Yeah, I know I only posted a couple of hours ago.
For a chick who blogs like sporadically, another post is a fucking huge thing.
But shit is shit and shit needs to be shared.
Especially seeing I lost mah Mothers Little Helper in Sydney.
Fuck it.
Boo’s school has a new vice principal. Nice dude, easy on the eyes, bit of a distraction for the mums.
Tis all good.
But new people means new challenges and OLD fucking discussions fought again.
He met me at the school gate today.
Boo fucking ROCKED his assessment today. He kept saying shit like ‘seeing Boo is high functioning’ and ‘because he does so well on tests’ and I nearly headbutted him.
Fuck.
The years of ABA, discreet trials, verbal behaviour therapies, social stories ad nauseum while Boo and I were joined at the hip have given him the tools to cope and learn. But he is still severely Autistic. He still needs me to dress him.
He still paints my motherfucking walls with faecal murals.
He still can go days with little sleep, full on Rave Parties in his room at 2am.
He still has a CARS score of 46. Regardless of his astronomically high IQ.
He is doing amazingly academically thanks to splinter skills and Hyperlexia.
He works FUCKING FANTASTICALLY in a one on one environment.
Roll that shit together, along with him having a slight temperature with which his stims disappear and he can concentrate longer and OF COURSE HE IS GOING TO ACE THE FUCKING TEST.
And then he dropped the bombshell.
Boo got in to the Specialist School. Not the one I wanted, but another one that takes kids regardless of IQ.
One that I was told last week that his language deficit was too great for him to be even considered.
He starts transition next term. Fourth of May.
May the fourth.
May the fourth be with you. Too fucking right.
I am in two minds about this. While it means he will learn life skills and actually have a SCHOOL to attend, it is also a school that takes violent and unmanageable kids.
Emotionally broken kids, mixed in with the kids with disabilities.
And it is an hour bus ride away.
So while I was digesting this, Boo comes flying out of the classroom sobbing his heart out.
Kids gather around me to tell me that Boo has been sad all day and him being sad makes them sad.
I hug a few of them, tell them it is OK and Boo will be OK and catch Boo’s aides eye.
Fuck.
We discuss what went down – Boo lost his shit AFTER the assessment and begged to go home but considering he has had so much time off in the last week he HAD to stay there or he would never want to come back (she knows him so well, God I love that woman) so she had to bear the brunt of it all day – and Boo spends the time weeping on the couch in a neighbouring classroom.
We get to the car and he is building up to a meltdown.
Open the door.
Shut the door.
Open the door.
Shut the door.
Open the door.
Shut the door.
Open the door…
And then the screaming starts.
ALL. THE. WAY. HOME.
Out of the car and to the front door…
Open the door.
Shut the door.
Rinse repeat.
I walk inside and he takes off out the door.
I know he is going to just hide behind the garage and wait for me to make him come inside so I think, no.
I am NOT going to go out there. I need to extinguish this behaivour.
So I make a coffee.
And then go out to get him.
Let him stew for a minute, he may even come in of his own accord.
I go outside and he is gone.
I stop breathing.
My whole body shakes.
I start running.
I can’t find him.
He is
GONE.
Through my panicked tears I call him.
The neighbour across the street stares at me like I have grown two heads.
I don’t fucking CARE.
I am calling his name.
I think I may be screaming.
I don’t know.
I don’t CARE.
I run down the street and I can’t see him.
My mind is going a million miles a minute.
He can’t cross the road by himself.
What if there is a dog?
What if someone tries to speak to him?
What if he just wanders into someones house?
I can hear crying.
I spin around.
It is coming from me.
As I turn to hear where the crying is coming from I see a form in blue laying on the grass in the park a few doors down.
And there he is.
Laying there and looking up at the sky, oblivious.
I try to slow my hearbeat.
I wipe my eyes.
I walk up to him and he smiles at me.
‘Come on Boo, lets go inside’
He slings his arm over my shoulder and we walk inside.
We will have the talk about not leaving the house without mummy another time.
I sit on the couch and try and catch my breath while he strips naked and smears his body in mustard.
As you do.
Welcome back to reality Kelley.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Glad he is okay, and that there is the offer there of a school, if you decide that, ultimately, it is the right choice for Boo, but it sounds like it is a tough decision to make.
And, hopefully that mustard is American, cos that English stuff is kinda hot and might sting 🙂
oh shit sweetie…………….life sneaks up and bites us on the bum when we least expect it,
massive hugs
I know a shcool like that.
There are pros and cons. As you know.
I hope it works for you guys.
Oh jesus freaking christ, with a side serving of heart attack on a stick.
My worst nightmare is Heidi wandering off and I start to panic if I can’t spot her within a couple of minutes of her going out of eyesight.
So very very glad for you both that he is okay.
Fingers crossed that the new school turns out to be good fit for Boo.
Gosh you must have been frantic!
May the Fourth Be With you indeed, my dear!
Makes you want to scream.
At Master 12’s diagnosis, I was told he was moderately Autistic, but when he was with ME, he would be deemed mildly Autistic because of how I managed him and the environment I provided.
The only time we knew he had ear ache would be when he lay his ear on the floor. We would take him to the docs and it would be screaming red and doc just couldn’t understand why the lad was fussing in pain.
When WILL these people get it?
What a decision to have to make.
Squeeze in a few marguaritas before you decide.
((hugs)) Kells. Reality bites sometimes.
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap and double crap.
For everything.
(((hugs))) Hope you don’t feel pressured to make a decision about the school in ahurry xxx
My heart was racing as I read that. Watching the sky is a wonderful end to the fear.
Sorry the assessment went so well. :-/
You need a “Terrified me into hiding under my Blanket” (or would snuggie be more appropriate? :-p) rating in your choices.
The school sounds like a decision that’s gunna torment you.
Have a nice day?!
Oh geez, my heart was in my mouth the whole time… Glad he’s ok!
Glad you are too 😀
Wow. Conversations like that must be as fucking annoying as it gets. I’m so glad you found him and he is ok. You know, I bet people would pay good money for a mustard body wrap. It’s probably ultra cleansing. Leaves your skin with that fresh mustard feel.
Jesus christ, I stopped breathing. Reality is a bitch. xx
All I got is hugs babe.
Hugs.
Can you give the other school a trial, or visit it yourself on a day when the students are there to check out whether you think it is a good fit? If it doesn’t work out, what are the other options? Does taking this option close any other doors that you might want to keep open?
How does Boo feel about any of the new schools? Is any of the options easier/better for him?
{{{HUGS}}} I hope everything works out well with the school. If your state is anything like this state, funding for kids who don’t “fit” the system (whatever their needs/abilities are) is almost non existent. It sucks!!! Will they pick him up in a taxi? I know the school I worked out before we got married had all the kids delivered in taxis. Mind you, it wasn’t a huge town so they were probably only in a taxi for about 10 minutes or so.
I love that this amazing child has been given the gift of you as a mother. You truly are an inspiration to me. Sounds sucky I know, but it’s true and I really want you to know that xx
Oh babe. I didn’t realise I was holding my breath until I got to the end and needed to take a breath. Reality is a Bitch with a capital ‘B’. Big hugs.
Crikey Kelley, you scared me almost as much as Boo scared you. I’m so glad you found him safe and not too far away.
I hope the new school turns out to be a great move.
Holy Shit Kelley.
How fucking frightening.
Glad that Boo was safe and that you’re ok (are you ok?)
Hugs x
Hugs and a large glass of something wet.
xx
I’m glad Boo was okay and hope you are too.
‘He slings his arm over my shoulder and we walk inside.’
The way you wrote this is amazing. But this sentence, this one got me.
reality is a fucker
hugs and kisses and street corners
So pleased you found him & he was OK – you must have been terrified – I was terrified for you.
Good luck with the school thing – is there any chance he will get into the school you want?
I’m glad you found him safe and sound. And all the best making the decision that’s best for you both.
That one had me going. Glad you found him.
banned
OMG. I nearly died reading this. That is a harsh re-entrance into the world of reality.
Thank God he was on the grass.
You know… I used to do that, ALL the time. It was my “comfort place” when I was a kid. Lying on grass, being walked over by ants, looking into the vastness of the universe and becoming an athiest 🙂
xoxo
Oh my God, oh my God, OH MY GOD! My breath hitched and I had that horrible ball of fear in my gut whilst reading this.
My boy is 13 now, and still I worry. He appears so “normal” but he is so very vulnerable.
So glad you found him, so glad he is okay, so happy to send mustard ANYTIME!
Still trying to quell the anxiety inside…
Ah crap Kelley!
I’m taking deep breaths for you myself. It is pure terror when your child runs off like that.
As for testing and school, how much say do you have over it? There can be huge differences between an autistic child and a child with emotional disabilities. Yes they may struggle with similar things, but how you help them can be so different. Not to mention the concerns about being with children who may be violent.
I’m going through that feeling that there is no “right” place for Noah. The school and I don’t see eye to eye on what his “disability” really is. I don’t think how they are teaching him is the best for him, but I have yet to find something different.
Gulp. SO much to think about, so many things to do… and then to have him disappear!
Hope there was chocolate in the house.
Oh shit. Mine does that too. No words, just hugs.
PS, I get told by the paediatrician and psychologist that it’s a good thing. That C. is comfortable enough to unburden/freak out/express his fears with me. It never seems good at the time …