I have been in an aeroplane three times in my life.
The first was when a boyfriend decided that he would ‘surprise’ me with a joy flight.
By the time we got to the airport, I was so relived that we drove PAST his parents place and didn’t go in to meet them that I didn’t really take much notice of the tiny itsy bitsy light aircraft I was about to risk my life in.
I spent the majority of the time in a silent scream while staring at the GROUND that I could see through the partially opened door.
Flying tip No. 1: Make sure that your motherfucking door is motherfucking closed before the stupid motherfucking pilot takes off.
We flew over my parents property for a few minutes while my brother tried to hit the plane with rocks.
We left when it was clear he was going into the shed to find his slug gun.
Flying tip No 2: Do not fly over hostile ground with teenage brothers armed with slug guns.
The second time was when MPS and I broke up because HE was afraid of commitment. So I called my previous boyfriend and accepted his offer of an all expenses paid holiday to Queensland.
That’ll teach him.
{and it did}
I spent the entire flight in a silent scream as the five year old child in the seat in front of me kept tormenting me with a song about how I was going to die in a firey plane crash. Her father clapping along because WASN’T SHE JUST SO FREAKING ADORABLE?
Flying tip No 3: Do not tell five year olds that you are afraid of flying. Five year olds are fucking fearless and can smell YOUR fear like a hidden lollypop. They will go for the jugular.
When there was a slight change to our flight path and we flew over WATER I nearly fucking passed out.
Flying tip No 4: If you are terrified of open water, EVEN IF YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FLYING OVER LAND get an aisle seat.
And Valium.
The third time was when we took our girls to the Theme Parks in Queensland when they were 4 and 2. I spent the entire flight in a silent scream while both the girls succumbed to gastroenteritis that hit moments after lift off.
Both ends.
Both kids.
In an enclosed space.
Flying tip No 5: don’t travel with children.
Now I am about to embark on my fourth trip in an aircraft.
But I am more wise now.
And will have no kids in tow.
And a handy stash of Mothers Little Helper.
With the promise of margaritas at the other end.
So as long as I don’t think about how the plane could CRASH or fly into the sea where a GIANT SQUID is just waiting to drag me into its lair to slowly devour me while Octopus’s Garden plays on loop in my head it should all be good.
Flying tip No 6: Take pharmaceuticals. Lots of them. And don’t listen to the Beatles.
Except for the White Album. That was fucking AWESOME.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
You can do it!
I find wine helps.
And that is why this lil black duck will be shifting her arse via
broomsticktwain and vroom vroom car.With Mothers Little Helper at hand.
And if you hit turbulence put on your headphones, play soothing music, shut your eyes and pretend that you are in a car going over rough terrain.
I would love to go flying in a small plane. Of course, because I do get motion sickness, I’d be sure to take Dramemine.
Not too many margaritas now.. I will be stone cold sober when I meet you!
I used to be like you – Xanax and champers cured me x
I tried Valium once for flying. I took 2 an hour before takeoff…it was a 1 1/2 hour flight. It kicked in when I got off the plane. So I was stoned off my head AFTER all the terror of flying. Total fail.
these are excellent flying tips.
Just keep chanting to yourself, “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da”, and don’t think about, “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?”, cause… that ain’t where it’s all going on.
Have fun, girlfriend!
The plane won’t crash and you won’t die and you WILL get to meet me at the other end. Awesome.
I’m with you on that … except for me it’s being a passenger in any vehicle travelling on a highway.
Planes, I’m all good with. …
The promise of margaritas at the end makes any motherfucking journey worth while
The White Album was fuckin’ awesome but so are you. You can do it…Just think ice-cold Margaritas with teeny weeny umbrellas on the other side. Oh fuck it! Just order half a dozen on the plane too.
Have fun!!!
I am counting on you to make the Margaritas – don’t disappoint me by becoming Octopus poo.
Ps My 4yr totally believes seaweed is octopus poo.
My flying tip is this:
On your first international flight, asked to be moved so you’re not seated behind drunk college kids who throw stuff at you for entirety of the flight.
The last time I was on a plane we took one of those little tiny things to the Bahamas. The flight there was okay and the flight home was okay… but the landing at home was a totally interesting experience. The cockpit on this little thing didn’t have a door. And I was seated all the way in the back in this seat that was where the aisle would have been if it wasn’t in the freaking back. So I had a clear view of the window and an equally clear view of the approaching ground.
I cried when we landed safely.