Some times stuff happens that you have no control of.
No matter what you do, that freight train keeps coming – filled to the brim with small nuclear warheads of pain nestled in a metric fuck tonne of shit.
And you just stand there and watch it coming, helplessly clutching the phone where the disembodied voice on the other end informs you that yet another train BIGGER and FASTER than the current one barrelling down in your field of vision will arrive sometime soon.
No estimated time of arrival, cause that would be CONVENIENT, just giving you the heads up.
I am well aware of the devastation the flooding in QLD and in my own home state of Victoria. I am painfully aware of the cyclone baring down on the QLD coast that will hit land in the middle of the night – predicted to be the worst cyclone in our history, big enough to cover the entire United States.
I know. I know.
I FUCKING KNOW.
But I do not have the capacity to comprehend any of that, right now my eye is on that train of pain and shit and surprises that is hurtling towards me as I lay here crumpled on the floor wondering what I did to deserve this.
How can I make it stop.
I would do anything to go back in time, with the knowledge I have now, to lessen the impact.
Maybe I couldn’t have prevented this situation.
Maybe I couldn’t have done a damn thing and this is the course that my life must run.
{if you believe in that shit}
Maybe I would be sitting here anyway, writing vague blog posts full of pain and emotion but no facts.
I cycle through the stages of grief on a daily – some times hourly – basis.
Sometimes having a brief respite where I can smile and try to forget the train in my minds eye.
But it is always there.
Hurtling towards me, like the one before it and the one before that, the headlight blinding me and reminding me to never EVER forget.
So I light a candle.
And watch the flame.
And breathe in deeply to inhale the sweet scent.
And will my heart to slow.
Focus. Just focus.
And breathe.
{I will be posting the links and thanks to the peeps that have chucked in a few shekels to sponsor my trip to the Aussie Bloggers Conference over the next few days. I love you guys.}
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Consider a few more shekels thrown in 😉
Love you. Lots of hugs.
Hope everything is ok xx I have no idea what is going on, but it sounds bad and I hope you have some reprieve from it soon.
Want me to send my stalker to you? You could do with some lovely letters I am sure. They brighten my day anyway. Not.
Wow, you must have gotten the same call as I did re: the bigger truck filled with more pain headed your way. Today my respite was wine after forgetting I had taken painkillers. 🙂
Hope the Aussie blogger experience is amazing for you, you deserve the most amazing experience possible.
Yep, the weather is scary.
….but so is other shit.
….and when the other shit is in your face and exploding, that’s pretty much all you can see.
Like apparently western Queensland also flooded last March. I had no idea. Something went on in Haiti??? South America??? Earthquake or something??? Me = No idea.
My own Big Bubble of Grief had me locked away from the rest of the world when that other shit went down, and frankly … that other shit was happening to someone else….and as we know, the shit that happens to someone else pales in comparison to the shit exploding in our own face.
…and it’s all we can do to keep breathing in and out.
Hugs babe.
I wish I knew what to say.
“I hope you’re alright” doesn’t seem like enough.
Please be well.
((((hugs))))
I’ve got nothing but words and a shoulder for you, hon xxx
Breathe.
Getting over those anxiety attacks can be challenging.
Breathe.
Like you say just breathe. You will get through it. The sun will still come up tomorrow and you get a fresh start.
When you feel overwhelmed….Just breathe *hugs*
Breathe. Good advice. Hugs from over the border.xx
Hugs Kelley. I realy wish you could tell someone about this big evil thing that is eating at your soul. Someone who has listening ears and a big heart. No solutions to give, just a shock absorber. Just keep breathing and know we love you.
Oh babe. I’m going to light a candle for you and send you lvoe and hugs. <3
Not much you can do hold On
and know you are loved…
This is possibly the best blog post I ever read.
As you know I live 16 miles (25 km) north of where Hurricane Katrina hit landfall. That also happens to be 16 miles from where the BP oil spill landed. I don’t have any words other than get the hell away from that clone, it’s a category 5. Katrina hit landfall at a cat 5. This is what it looks like after.
http://ducksmahal.com/2010/11/01/the-tempest-of-the-century/
Sending you lots of love. Take care of yourself, you hear? *hugs* xxx
Fucking trains! Candles lit and sending good vibes.
Sounds bad Kel. Sounds really bad.
It sounds terrible and I’m hoping that you have someone that you can talk with it about and if you don’t and you want to, I’m happy to be your shoulder.
Hugs.
I love you and all I can do is wish all things wonderful to start raining down on you.
I wish I could do a lot more.
xoxoxoxo
candles, hugs. whatever you need babe.
xox
I’m so sorry. Sometimes all you can do is burn a candle and breathe and hang on one more minute.
Hang on babe….
Sending you love and good vibes
as the fab Metalica say, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a freight train coming your way. Feels like that sometimes doesnt it.
Really hoping things improve for you soon if not light the candle and flip the train the bird.
I’ll light a candle for you too. I will think of you and pray that things get better.
Glad you have a place to go to slow down and focus. Keep breathing and keep swimming. x
My prayers are with you and your family, Kelley.
Sending you positive thoughts and hugs.
I am so very sorry Kelley. I wish I could fix it. I really do. It seems like you have been having horrible times for way too long. Lately my mantra is .(because shit has hit the fan fairly decidedly here also) is to remember what Winston Churchill apparently said: “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” Sometimes it works to say it to myself. Sometimes it doesn’t. I hope your young’ un’s going back to school went ok.
I am sorry Kelley. Hope everyone is ok – or will be ok soon.
But do you have SOMEONE to talk to?
I’m sorry it’s the kind of problem it is.