So my doctor wants me to go on antidepressants.
He was all ‘I want you to go on antidepressants’
And I was all ‘Um, yeah well no.’
And he was all ‘Well I think it is a good idea and it will only be for a couple of months or so’
And I was all ‘Well, no’
And he was all with the sighing and the ‘well it is your decision’ and shit.
And I was all ‘Yeah.’
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against antidepressants and probably 90% of my friends and family are on them and I KNOW that they need them and I totally ride their arses about taking them and looking after themselves and therapy and all that shizzle.
Antidepressants have their place. I know more than I care to about them and the risks and benefits, but I know that they are not right for me at the moment.
I know what works for me. When I find myself sitting staring at the wall and the dark thoughts consume me and I feel like my chest is in a vice and I can’t possibly get enough air in my lungs and I can’t stop thinking thinking thinking I just take a look around me.
And my house will be in disarray.
And I haven’t exercised in days.
So I force myself out of my chair and turn up the music and start cleaning something.
Which turns into something else.
And then my thoughts start racing about rearranging this, or cleaning that, or painting this or baking and I feel lighter and there is no room for the dark thoughts.
There is nothing I can do about the situation that brings me down – that sends me to dark places where I never dreamed I would go – but when my surroundings are in order, when I have pushed my body to the limit, I feel the natural endorphins rushing through me and I can see clearer.
Recognise the dark thoughts for what they are – what if’s – and be prepared with logical and well researched solutions for when the time comes.
So no, dear doctor, I will not be going on antidepressants.
Not now anyway.
Does this make me delusional?
A control freak?