So today is the day.
The wedding of my best friend from high school and her beau DudeWhoHasTheSameNameAsMoosBoyfriend and also happens to look like Bono.
But without the money
And the attitude.
Or those stupid arsed glasses.
Where I am the oldest bridesmaid in history.
Except for the other two, who are older than me.
Besides the flower girl, I am the youngest in the bridal party.
The wedding is at 3pm.
I am getting my hairs did at EIGHT AM.
It is going to be 30C.
And humidity in the bajillions.
Did I mention that the wedding is outside?
I will be wearing skin tight taffeta
That is NOT skin tight around the top of my back.
So I look like a hunchback.
With puffy sleeves.
Oh my screaming Achilles.
We are walking on grass, bare earth, a rickety hastily built wooden plank walkway and then extremely slippery ‘decor’ concrete.
In shoes that would qualify me for the mile high club
If I was so inclined.
Methinks there is no getting lucky in skin tight lilac taffeta.
But there will be lemon tart
And chocolate mousse.
At a buffet.
I am having twelve
Aiming to bust outta that damn dress by 8pm.
And then no-one will notice my purple makeup
And the limp.
From those motherfucking shoes.
But I will plaster a smile on my face
And pretend it doesn’t matter.
So my friend can have the wedding day she has always dreamed of.
Cause I am THAT fucking awesome.