I got a paper cut at work today.
So I wandered over to Coffee Bitch and was all ‘OMG my finger hurts’ and NO SHIT everyone stopped work and stared at me.
And so, as is my way, I declared that I had lupus of the finger and couldn’t possibly work the coffee machine myself, so someone better get on that I will be waiting at my desk…
Because, well OBVIOUSLY.
And then a chick walked up to me and was all ‘I have a stomach ache. What are the symptoms of appendicitis?’ like I am a fucking DOCTOR or something. So I told her that she probably needed to do a big fart and point her arse anywhere but in my direction.
Then other fuckers were bothering me with their fucking problems, some of which I TOTALLY walked into because of my stupid way of offhandedly saying ‘Hi, how are ya’ as I pass people in the hall.
OBVIOUSLY I don’t actually fucking CARE how you are, but they are all *sigh* and then rattle off their shit and I am all ‘sorry to hear that, I have to go and sit down because MY STOMACH EXPLODED just recently…’ and sometimes that shuts them up.
Other times I have to listen to their banalities because I am a fucking nice person and haven’t yet mastered the art of brushing someone off without punching them in the neck to make them stop talking.
AND THEN there are the fucknuckles that are all ‘Oh Kelley! You are getting so SKINNY! Are you OK?’ and it is all I can do to not rip their intestines out their anal cavity because:
1. I am not fucking skinny
and two OMG FUCK OFF I AM NOT TELLING YOU SHIT even if you heard that I had cancer/liposuction/whatthefuckever is the latest rumour about why I have had so much time off. I don’t give a shit about your troubles and therefore I am not going to tell you mine.
So after getting home from the ASYLUM that is my workplace I decided to walk to school to pick up Boo because I needz me some endorphins. You know to combat the raging HATRED OF THE WORLD that is about to blow my head clean off.
And halfway there my belly is all ‘Oh no you di’nt!’ and my simple but stylish but clearly not suitable for walking in Mary Janes are all ‘we are with you sista!’ and started rubbing the fuck outta my foot…
So CLEARLY the whole fucking world and my own body is fucking pissing me off.
Methinks it will be best if I stay inside tomorrow.
I am planning a hangover of EPIC PROPORTIONS.
P.S. I am painfully aware that this post makes absolutely no sense but I am going to post it anyway. Because I can. And probably shouldn’t. BUT I CAN.
P.P.S. Re the planning the EPIC hangover, right now I am totally crushing on low carb Solo and Vodka. Not too sweet and gets the job DONE MOTHERFUCKER. Share with me your favourite alcoholic beverage, preferably something I can hide in a SpongeBob Squarepants drinking flask and take to work. OBVIOUSLY.