Years ago, Too was running around the school yard during some school function thing that I was CLEARLY trying to avoid – hence the watching Too running around the school yard – when she slipped on a banana peel.
After OBVIOUSLY being the good mum as there were witnesses and checking she was OK, I fell the the ground with tears spurting out of my eyes convulsing with laughter.
I mean COME ON! WHO slips on a banana peel? That is like CARTOON FUNNY.
She still hasn’t forgiven me.
And I still think that is the funniest shit EVER.
There used to be a car insurance ad on the Tee Vee {MPS totally pronounces it that way. Stupid South Australian} where a guy pulls down the visor while he is driving and a spider drops down and hilarity ensues.
Turns out it is NOT SO FUCKING HILARIOUS.
I was driving MPS to the bus stop this morning and as I turned a corner I dropped the visor as the sun was in my eyes and a MOTHERFUCKING HUNTSMAN SPIDER DROPPED IN MY MOTHERFUCKING LAP MOTHERFUCKER!
I screamed and jumped out of the car.
Luckily that pull over-brake-put the car in neutral-pull the handbrake-thing is automatic to me now because, well MPS woulda caught that bus alright… with the side of the car that travelled across a 4 lane highway.
MPS tried to find the little fucker and could not.
I was standing in the MIDDLE OF THE FREAKING HIGHWAY losing my shit and Boo was all ‘was there a bug Mummy? Was there a bug Mummy? WAS THERE A BUG MUMMY WHERE IS THE BUG KILL THE BUG OMG KILL THE BUG MUMMY!!!!!’
I had to GET BACK IN THE CAR and DRIVE HOME with some marauding arachnid ready to run up my pants leg and dig its razor sharp fangs into my delicate flesh and be all ‘T’is cool dude. T’is cool. No bugs in our car’ while I was swallowing back the vomit and trying to keep my eyes on the road while my whole body twitched and convulsed and I pretended I was dancing to the music from the radio that was turned to static because Boo prefers it that way.
Once I got home and after I ran inside and checked that there was no murderous spider clinging to my clothes, I sprayed the car with half a can of fly spray and PRAYED to any deity that would listen that I got it.
And any of its friends that may be hanging out just waiting for their moment to scare the shit outta the chick that dances funny while holding her innards back together.
Fuck me dead, my life is like a situation comedy with a touch of daytime soapie but without the relief of an ad break.
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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
I googled huntsman spider. I wish I hadn’t. Ewwwwwwww.
and now imagine that fucker sitting millimetres from your soft pink girly bits. *vomit*
Frankly, I’m shocked that you managed to stop the car and didn’t shoot straight through the sun roof….or where one should be if you don’t already have one.
I totally get this. I am arachnophobic. The first morning that I had my brand new quilt on my a couple of weeks ago, I was making up the bed, and a freaking spider ran across it. I was torn between hitting it a shoe to kill it, and not wanting to kill it on the bed because then I would have a squashed spider on my new quilt. But, it got away before I could even find a shoe, so now I am sleeping with one eye open. I am so tired and need to sleep, but I KNOW there is a spider somewhere in that room. And there will be no sleeping until it is gone, or I proof that it is dead.
and you KNOW it is having babies… probably in your pillow.
*snigger*
oh, and we were in a souvineer shop today in Utah, and they had a huge freaking tarantula in a picture frame sitting on the shelf. A real one, but it was dead, but my daughter and I could not look at it or walk down that row in the store.
I totally get that. In one of the toy shops here they have a remote control tarantula. Freaks me the fuck out.
I got one on my neck ones in the car. FREAKY
OMG. I would have passed out. I touched one once and then promptly vomited on it.
NO SYMPATHY.
Before our snake? (A MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE. WITH POISON AND BITEY FANGS) We had a huntsman in the car. It ran across the back of my seat while Amy freaked out about the SPIDER OMG SPIDER and then disappeared. It’s reappeared twice since then.
KILL IT! OMG.
I once had a huntsman AND a bee in the car. I had to get a passing motorist get them (and my KIDS!!!!) outta the car.
OK – This is definitely the explanation for you psychic premonition.
ya think? I am the spider whisperer.
I would totally have literally shit myself. Yes, I would have needed to change my pants for sure. You have my everlasting admiration for pulling over properly and being able to get back in the car!
I know! I am such a fucking rock star.
Heh.
Ughghghghgh. This is why I will never ever live in Australia, and possibly never visit.
Tee Vee, heh
Heh, come in winter. No spiders or snakes then.
Our winter is like an English heatwave.
I hate goddam spiders! Florida has some huge bastages too. Did I mention I hate spiders?!
I want to find a nice little island with awesome wifi and no motherfucking creepy crawly fuckers.
And the Old Spice Man as my cabana boy.
You in?
Same thing happened to me. Doing 110km/hr down the highway. In an isolated area. Result? Large amount of black rubber snaking its way down highway with car skidding sideways. Finally rolled onto side and left highway to land up against a tree which stopped the ute rolling. The car righted itself. My groceries were all over me. I crawled out the window, on an isolated highway, feeling shaken AND stirred. This was in 1986 – way before mobiles and I didn’t have a UHF. A Greyhound bus pulled over and asked if I was okay, to which I replied “I think so, I appear to be alive”. So. he. drove. off. It was another 30 minutes before another car came along and I had to BEG them to drive back to the town I had just come from (about 5 km’s up the road) and tell the shopkeeper so they could tell my family.
Never did find the f*cking huntsman.
Holy Shit.
OK, you win.
I assume that this is the same huntsman who was stalking you by hanging outside your front door on the day of dread. Creepy.
IT WASN’T! The one on my front door was enormous.
I think they are nesting or whateverthefuckitistheydo in my ROOF!
*vomits repeatedly*
Okay, so we have harvestmen spiders we call “daddy long legs” and that’s what I thought you were talking about. See, “daddy long legs” aren’t even really spiders. They are in a different family, and don’t bite.
So here I was thinking, sheesh, what a wuss.
But then I googled huntsman spider. There was an uncontrolled expletive that jumped right out over my teeth. I’m SO thankful for lack of “bugs” bigger than a coin in our parts.
Also, how do YOU pronounce “TV”??
Too used to call those spiders ‘Daddy big feet’. I LIKE them. Cause if they are in the room then the bigger fuckers stay away.
And I pronounce TV without the extra vowels. MPS is all teeeeeeeeeeeeeee veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Idiot.
Your spiders are one reason I won’t live in Australia, I’m staying here in nice safe little NZ. The snakes are the other reason (shudder!). Are huntsmen the ones that run really *really* fast? ‘Cos I had one in my room once when I was over there and freaked out and someone told me they were a leading cause of car accidents and I had this image of them running across roads but of course they meant riding in cars and scaring the sh*t out of drivers. Well done for pulling over safely.
those are the ones. And they LOOK at you like ‘Imma gunna eat your FACE’
Thus the reason I no longer wish to live in Australia – and I don’t care HOW good lookin’ all them wimmin is.
you could always wear a can of bug spray in a holster.
That would be HAWT.
Apparently huntsmen are hugely dangerous because a lot of people DO leap out of the car without stopping first, so I’m glad your awesomeness prevented that.
And I wonder what story the huntsman is telling his mates?
well hopefully they are hanging out at the Pearly Gates having that chinwag because OMG I HAVE TO GO OUT TODAY!
I got a tiny burn when I was 4, and my parents laughed. I don’t know if that’s the reason (it’s either that or the trauma of holding candles in Hanukkah), but I know I’ve been scared of fire since my childhood. Which means that your daughter is now scared of bananas!
OMG Holy mutha tat’s a nightmare of mine!
OMG that happened to me when out driving with the ex one day – I almost jumped out of the moving car while he was peeing himself laughing.
Motherfucker.
Commiserations from someone who has almost had several car accidents due to spiders. And who never quite feels safe when driving in the country, because there is always a chance a venom-filled snake will get picked up by the tyres and slither it’s way inside. Even when passing a dead snake I’m all ”lalalala’ and putting my hands over my ears and shutting my eyes and lifting my feet off the pedals and … erm, yeah. Those things are dangerous!
Jesus! That happened to me once with a little bitty spider. If it was a huntsman I doubt I’d ever get in the car again.