As you know, I have been a little distracted and disoriented and discombabulated and that may or may not be a word.
But I am totally discaring and disinterested.
So I am thinking I probably should come up with something to a) stop people staring at RoboBoot and be all ‘wow that looks painful’ while they stop RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF ME causing me to lose my balance and contemplate carrying a switchblade b) ensure that I don’t get locked up in a rubber room for wearing my – albeit fabulous – clothes inside out and c) enable me to slice cheese without having to use my hands.
And I am pretty sure I have found the PERFECT solution.
Stick on nipples. NIPPLE ENHANCERS
For the longest time I have worn tshirt bras to hide nippliage to prevent car accidents and poking out eyes of unsuspecting Target shoppers. But seeing I am totally boycotting Target and their damn environmental ways and NO SHOPPING BAG FOR YOU forcing me to carry my heavily discounted lacy underwear and double dipped Cherry Ripes sans bag and I am not walking near any roads I am safe to don the distract-a-nipples.
I can see it now *cue dream sequence wavy lines*
‘Oh WOW that looks…’ *eyes move up and land on my distract-a-nipples* ‘um…’ *awkward pause and wide berth given*
I am eating at my desk and another annoying all staff ‘urgent’ email pops up. Distract-a-nipples to the rescue and they fly across my desk and hit the delete key.
I have forgotten to wear pants. Again. No-one bats an eyelid cause they are too busy trying to NOT look at my massive distract-a-nipples.
I purchase a spare and wear it on my side, or my forehead, just for the shits and giggles.
Oh the fun I could have with these things, and they are so LIFE LIKE
Look, one is bigger than the other. I probably should have locked the bathroom door before I started measuring my own nipples but HUZZAH one is slightly bigger than the other!
Gotta love a manufacturer that is all about accuracy.
As an aside, is it wrong and creepy that I discovered you could ZOOM IN on the picture on the website and I spent a disturbing amount of time staring at the models supersized nipples? Nah, I didn’t think so either.
So what would you do with your own distract-a-nipples?
{ 27 comments }
Bwahahaha. Still, they are probably more useful and waaaaay more attractive than the set of these: http://www.silverfernz.com/602-possum-fur-nipple-warmers.htm I received for my last birthday.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Dear Universe =-.
OMG! she could take somebody’s eye out with those things. I guess a cheaper way to get the same effect would be to stick an icepack up your t-shirt…
.-= Gnometree´s last blog ..SWF 4 – 46 Nine Photos in Nine Minutes =-.
I could use a pair, to distract onlookers from the fact that I have forgotten to do my hair, put on make-up, and that there is toothpaste on my shirt …
.-= MrsDesperate´s last blog ..A trip to the dentist =-.
I already have too much cleavage thanks to the boob god… if I wore those I’d never be looked in the face again!!
That being said… some days that could be a good thing! Think of how you could use them for good/slightly evil things!!
M
ps – pants backwards? Hmmmm must have been a very bad day…
OW!!!!
(zoomed in too far)
.-= spotrick´s last blog ..Things that confuse: RSS =-.
Enhancers!? Bullshit, they’re to camouflage the fact that her boobs point to the floor.
Pffft.
.-= Deeleea´s last blog ..Commencement =-.
I reckon you could wear em in your inside-out pants and pretend to be Lady Gaga!
Awesome!
Why am I salivating?
.-= lceel´s last blog ..Memorial Weekend Friday =-.
Fembot?
.-= People in the Sun´s last blog ..In Which I Keep My Hatred For the Truly Hate-Worthy =-.
where do you find this shit? You could take someone’s eye out with those things!
.-= Gilz´s last blog ..55 Flash Fiction Friday – Episode 6 – Flog Yo Blog =-.
Those are awesome! If your nipples point, y’know, down, you can stick those ABOVE, for that Oooh-my-nipples-are-perky look!
Or, you could stick them on your shoulders (under a T-Shirt) for added entertainment.
.-= Nan´s last blog ..It’s FRIDAY! =-.
I could purchase ‘les spares’ but I already have a built-in set behind the T-shirt bra!!
.-= Murfomurf´s last blog ..Gout- a very ouchy problem! =-.
Damn, i could have done with those when i was pushing the twin pram, maybe then they wouldn’t have stopped right infront of me stopping me to pour over my gorgeous babies and ask inappropriate questions like… are they ivf?
Only trouble now is if I donned these beauties they’d be more mid rift level and only good for carrying extra shoping bags and the like. sounds like fun though.
.-= Tracey´s last blog ..Finally something for me =-.
I know for a fact that I will be conquering the world with my distract-a-nipples in the very near future.
I have plans, man…. I have plans.
.-= Krissa´s last blog ..I need some new drugs. =-.
:yeesh:
I might take a pass thanks.
My distract-a-nipples are al nature-al. I spent most of my middle school time wishing I knew how to camoflauge them and you’re telling me I should have used them as a diversion. Wow, what a life altering experience. I shall never wear a padded bra again.
LOL you know I’ve read that Victoria Beckham uses those. I think to help hypnotise David not to stray!
My hubby would love a pair of those! Not on me, no, no, he’d put them on himself when he puts on that lacy black top that he wears when I’m not home……..(came home early one day and saw it, damn it’s not my size so can’t pinch it…)
I think I’d be inclined to show up at my kids’ super straight laced Christian school wearing them…just to see the Principal die of shock. Fun times!
.-= Mad Woman´s last blog ..Soapbox Saturday =-.
They are obviously used as a distraction because she is ugly as a hat full of arseholes.
I’m glad that I’m not the only one thinking about downward pointing nipples, but if you wre going to have those pointing up, you’d have to tape down your real ones, so as to avoid looking like a double nippled alien woman. That WOULD be distracting.
.-= Jo´s last blog ..hidden treasure =-.
I regret that I have but two eyes to be put out by those things
Those are awesome. I have no idea what you’d use them for, but they are awesome!
.-= Kath´s last blog ..And so I’m back =-.
I won’t wear them. those things are bigger than my tits
.-= terena´s last blog ..At last, a weekend at home =-.
I would have to wear mine a little higher than my actual nips to give the illusion of perkiness but then there’s the obvious worry of looking like a four nippled freak. Tricky.
.-= Ali´s last blog ..Documenting =-.
What. The. Hell. Just… no.
I needed a good laugh tonight and this certainly gave me a long, hard one…no wait, I didn’t mean…*cue evil chuckle*
Comments on this entry are closed.
{ 1 trackback }