My dearest Family,
I am writing today to formally notify you that as of this evening I am parking my fat arse on the recliner in front of the television for the next three days and I am only moving to urinate, shower or get into my freshly made bed.
{BTW, go and make my bed}
For your comfort here are a few tips:
If you are hungry, find something to eat. If there is nothing you desire in the pantry or fridge, walk down the driveway and turn left, keep walking until you see Safeway. Purchase food and then walk back in the opposite direction.
If you need something to wear, your clothes are in the laundry. Probably all over the floor where you left them. Put them in the big white thing in the corner and press the ’start’ button. Wear wet or dry on that funny thing that spins around in the backyard – your choice.
If there are no plates or cups left, immerse them in water and then dry them. AMAZING ISN’T IT? Just like new!
For your future comfort and safety I suggest you follow these simple suggestions:
RoboBoot and I require a clear path between the bathroom, the bedroom and aforementioned recliner. So don’t drop shit on the floor. Actually, don’t EVER drop shit on the floor. I can’t afford a maid and neither can you.
If I ask for something, find it. Don’t be all ‘I dunno where the straws are’ and then I go in and MOVE ONE BOX out of the way and find two packets of straws staring back at me. I may not be able to catch you now, but I hold a grudge. And I need a straw in my diet Pepsi Max. With some ice.
Keep me well supplied with chocolate and coffee. This is a no brainer. You KNOW what I am like without my coffee, add being stuck in a chair wearing a motherfucking uncomfortable immobilising boot and completely whacked out on pain killers and you do the math.
If I call you, come immediately. It may be an emergency like I have fallen over or need the DVD changed.
I strongly urge you to follow the directions above as this is just a taste of what will happen if I don’t rest this motherfucking ratfucksonofabitch Achillies. You think this is bad? If I totally snap the bastard – and if I don’t rest it and let it heal it WILL HAPPEN – I will be in plaster and a WHEELCHAIR.
That means I will not be driving your arses anywhere. And I will need spongebaths and help to go to the toilet.
Think about that. Horrifying isn’t it?
Now where is my chocolate?
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Freakin hilarious!!!! (and SO true)
If they know whats good for em…….
Laura Jane´s last blog ..This and that, the update.
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I hope they read your blog
Get better soon!
Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Learning to share
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Those kids better wait on you hand & foot this weekend. I think the threat of sponge bathing you will ensure that this will happen.
Riayn´s last blog ..Why You Need To Support Gay Marriage
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You tell them!
It must be so frustrating being stuck in that thing…
XA
Amanda´s last blog ..Plodding on
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Google the old B&W nursing images of sponge baths and bed pans they will have to empty.
Then assure them it’s nowhere near as bad as it looks in those pictures.
It’s farking eleventy hundred times worse (and the smell curls your nostril hairs but after a coupla days they won’t notice)
Jayne´s last blog ..Important message – Field of Women
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Oh yes! Definitely explain about bedpans!
Chookie´s last blog ..Garden Visit: Leuralla
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Has been a long time since I commented but had to say this post made me smile and made my day.
Can`t wait til Noah can reach the fridge and bring me wine and chocolate. Because that is totally why I had a kid after all!
Lulu´s last blog ..Four months…
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You’ve inspired me to NOT get up right now and clean the bathrooms as was my half-hearted plan. Stand (make that sit) strong, lady!
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog ..one small step…
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Oh, you should totally print out pictures of bedpans and sponge baths, and hang them everywhere! Terrifying!
Nan´s last blog ..Foolproof? Is Not What We Need Here
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BWAHAHAHAHA! Only 3 days? I think you need a full week.
Karin aka perpstu´s last blog ..I’m Having a Sale…In My Garage
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*High five*
Sometimes us women just need to put our foot – or RoboBoot – down.
Have a wonderful weekend of sitting xo
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Don’t give in to the temptation to totally slit your throat, since it’s the second episode of Roboboot- I might not be so strong. Suckage to the max- good luck!
Murfomurf´s last blog ..Hippity hobbitty, back to my hobbies!
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Yeah. Go and look for those straws with your LOOKING eyes.
Oh, sorry, did I just tell your kids what to do? Forgive me, I forgot myself, I thought I was talking to my partner….
RubyTwoShoes´s last blog ..Dr Phil is here to help
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I know there are some frightened family members in Australia tonight. And they should be.
Way to crack the whip, Kelley.
Krissa´s last blog ..Henrietta is in hospital
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Best day of my life was the day my son learned to make me a cup of coffee!
Jo´s last blog ..Catching Up.
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I agree with everything they ^ all said. But don’t just call the kids, get a bell and ring it every. time. you. need/want. something. That’ll keep ‘em hustling.
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::Open-Apple: and pressing “PRINT”::
I am now officially gimpy too.
But only because I’m tired and don’t give a crap this week.
Possibly even next week.
In fact, I’m laminating this and shellacking it to every door in this ratt-hole house.
I’ll erect a shrine for Saint-Kelly of the gimpy and disenchanted, tired mothers. They can worship you; I’m taking the week off.
Jessica´s last blog ..Guest Post: " WEDNESDAY"
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Sorry, that was KellEy. Damn @%$%#%! sticking, don’t type keys!
Bastards.
Jessica´s last blog ..Guest Post: " WEDNESDAY"
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Isn’t being a mom a blast? ;D
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ROFL OK stealing that….
Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella´s last blog ..Win 1 of 2 copies of “The Salt Book” with 7 Gourmet Salts!
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Seriously, get a bell. Or a megaphone like that dude from Extreme Makeover Home Edition…Ty. Then they’d have no choice!
Mad Woman´s last blog ..Lest We Forget
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Those noodnicks need to recognize their mother is the mothertruckin queen of the universe.
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PMSL
Did they listen?
Hows the foot feeling this morning xx
Joyce´s last blog ..Anzac Day
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cc: Aunt Becky’s Family.
Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Go Ask Aunt Becky
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Well…. did they respect the rules this past weekend?? They’d better have, boy, ’cause I get the feeling that you could blast them backwards up he damn stairs with just the force of your GLARE.
WarsawMommy´s last blog ..Four Years And One Day Ago…
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Let me know if this works. If so, I’m printing it out and hanging it on the fridge.
Burgh Baby´s last blog ..His Life is Just SO Horrible
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Hope it worked. That last bit is rather highly motivating.
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cc: pixiemama’s family
Dude. I hope they listened long and hard, especially when it came to the straws, chocolate, coffee and the not dropping shit on the floor. Oh, and the rest of it.
xo
pixiemama´s last blog ..therapy (or, am I really dead inside?)
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