April 2010

Robbie Williams, you are totally on my shit list.

After a long day of lugging RoboBoot around getting my ultrasound for the surgeon (surgeon. Motherfucking SURGEON), taking Moo shopping for a present for The Boyfriend for their one year anniversary (one year. One motherfucking YEAR. I was freaking knocked up with her at our one year anniversary) it was time for school pickup. I [...]

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The trauma I have to endure at the hands of my children when I am, essentially, a freaking cripple.

Too walks in the room… ‘Hey mum! Spiders… Head lice… You are now aware of the position of your tongue… You are now breathing manually… You are now blinking manually… You have lost the game.‘ And then she exits. Stage left. Leaving me looking around the room (spiders) scratching uncontrollably (head lice) and unable to [...]

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Letter to my family

My dearest Family, I am writing today to formally notify you that as of this evening I am parking my fat arse on the recliner in front of the television for the next three days and I am only moving to urinate, shower or get into my freshly made bed. {BTW, go and make my [...]

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Guess who’s back. Back again…

RoboBoot’s back, kick a kitten. Ratfucksonofabitch. But at least this time it is a knee high motherfucker, just in time for winter. I spent 8 HOURS in Emergency today getting prodded and poked, plastered and unplastered, coughed and spluttered on. If I get swine flu I am going to kick a litter of kittens. And [...]

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To all aeroplane travellers in the UK and Europe, I humbly apologise.

To those affected by earthquake, hurricane, famine, constipation, ingrown toenails and a bad hair day – again, please accept my apologies. It seems I am afflicted with a condition that causes catastrophe. And everything is my fault. After finding a doctor that didn’t need to google my symptoms and took me off those hellacious meds [...]

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Big.

We walk towards the school gate. His arm snakes around mine, hand resting on my wrist as he mutters something about Power Rangers. Taller than me now. Taller. That in itself amazing and heartbreaking and sadly expected. We get to the gate and turn left. Towards the classrooms. But not all the way. Not today. [...]

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Before I launch another Emo post about me being Emo here is a post where I whine and then demand you bask in my awesomeness and then send you elsewhere

Today I have taken a mental health day. A day where I can be as maudlin and sooky as I like and eat that Easter egg that is as big as my head. And then walk around the house with a big ol’ garbage bag and chuck out everything that has accumulated over the school [...]

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Don’t like no bitches.

kinda disappointed that there are no: Emo bitches Wearing a tank top with bra strap hanging out bitches Eating all the damn icecream and putting the empty container back in the freezer bitches Tramp stamp bitches Wearing dark lipliner with light coloured lipstick bitches Nomming all the chocolate bitches To see this list of NINETY [...]

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How I become an internet troll.

A few years ago I was doing some ‘comment storming’ as suggested by my good friend Andrew. I was laying on the couch in Boo’s room, desperate for him to go to goddamn sleep already will ya, a fan blowing a cooling breeze through the still muggy night. I was on a roll. Click on [...]

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11 years 5 months 2 days

As you know, I applied for a job that I wasn’t really sure I wanted. I knew I was perfect for it. I know the work, could just jump right on in and rock the shizzle out of it. After the applications closed, the manager called me into a meeting room for a chat. Niceties [...]