Well it was the first day back at the
salt mines office.
Relatively painless, as work days go. Most of the fuckknuckles were still on holidays, managed to complete what I needed without having to actually speak to anyone on the phone, amusing IM conversations, went for a slow hobble to the coffee shop for a bucket o latte, chocolate for lunch.
And then Marcus turned up.
I know he arrived cause A started calling him.
A collective sigh reverberated around the building cause Marcus had disappeared for quite a while and we were all glad. So fucking glad we totally wanted to throw a bon voyage morning tea for him but were afraid he may enjoy the attention.
Marcus is one of my workmates imaginary friends.
A is a very unusual woman. Harmless, I would even go as far as saying quite sweet, but fucking WEIRD nonetheless.
My first experience of A was when I came back from maternity leave after having Too. I was in a new team, learning new work, hadn't found my groove of awesomeness yet. Some would say I was quite timid.
I know. Blows your fucking mind right?
Anyway. I was unpacking my bag when I saw a flash of bright pink in the corner of my eye. I turned to see a rather large woman staring at me intently with her legs wide open. The flash of pink was her underpants.
The next time I saw A was at a work function. She was wearing a wedding dress. A wedding dress that was at least 5 sizes too small so it couldn't be done up at the back.
She was also wearing army boots. And no bra.
Fast forward 10 years or so and A's unusualness has become legendary.
- she tried to buy a decommissioned tank as a garden sculpture
- spent weeks leading a poor Real Estate agent around the town showing her million dollar houses and farms.
- bought a goat and a horse for her suburban yard
- stalked a police officer and tried to buy the house next door to him
- attempted to bring a Latvian man into the country to be her husband but changed her mind because she wanted him to bring a Latvian goat to be her goats bride. And apparently that was a deal breaker.
- stored her neighbours dead cat in her freezer.
I am sure there are more, in fact I am certain, but I am feeling a little freaked out just writing THAT list out.
Anyway, today we were all working away like the good little cherubs that we are, when the familiar call went out:
*insert collective groan here*
Marcus, you see, is a rather naughty imaginary friend. Requiring A to chastise him constantly.
Marcus is a Latvian goat herder apparently.
Marcus also likes to accompany A to the supermarket, a high tea at a very flash restaurant in the city, the movies and ride the bus. Ensuring that A gets stellar service at any establishment and never EVER has to share a seat with anyone.
I am beginning to think that Marcus is a rather handy friend to have. I wonder if he has a brother. Named Eduardo the pool cleaner who wears nothing but a g-string on his tanned muscular body and is a fucking savant in the ways of pleasing a woman…
A, you are brilliant.