Well it was the first day back at the salt mines office.
Relatively painless, as work days go. Most of the fuckknuckles were still on holidays, managed to complete what I needed without having to actually speak to anyone on the phone, amusing IM conversations, went for a slow hobble to the coffee shop for a bucket o latte, chocolate for lunch.
Awesomeness.
And then Marcus turned up.
I know he arrived cause A started calling him.
A collective sigh reverberated around the building cause Marcus had disappeared for quite a while and we were all glad. So fucking glad we totally wanted to throw a bon voyage morning tea for him but were afraid he may enjoy the attention.
Marcus is one of my workmates imaginary friends.
A is a very unusual woman. Harmless, I would even go as far as saying quite sweet, but fucking WEIRD nonetheless.
My first experience of A was when I came back from maternity leave after having Too. I was in a new team, learning new work, hadn't found my groove of awesomeness yet. Some would say I was quite timid.
I know. Blows your fucking mind right?
Anyway. I was unpacking my bag when I saw a flash of bright pink in the corner of my eye. I turned to see a rather large woman staring at me intently with her legs wide open. The flash of pink was her underpants.
The next time I saw A was at a work function. She was wearing a wedding dress. A wedding dress that was at least 5 sizes too small so it couldn't be done up at the back.
She was also wearing army boots. And no bra.
Fast forward 10 years or so and A's unusualness has become legendary.
- she tried to buy a decommissioned tank as a garden sculpture
- spent weeks leading a poor Real Estate agent around the town showing her million dollar houses and farms.
- bought a goat and a horse for her suburban yard
- stalked a police officer and tried to buy the house next door to him
- attempted to bring a Latvian man into the country to be her husband but changed her mind because she wanted him to bring a Latvian goat to be her goats bride. And apparently that was a deal breaker.
- stored her neighbours dead cat in her freezer.
I am sure there are more, in fact I am certain, but I am feeling a little freaked out just writing THAT list out.
Anyway, today we were all working away like the good little cherubs that we are, when the familiar call went out:
'MARCUS!'
*insert collective groan here*
Marcus, you see, is a rather naughty imaginary friend. Requiring A to chastise him constantly.
Marcus is a Latvian goat herder apparently.
Marcus also likes to accompany A to the supermarket, a high tea at a very flash restaurant in the city, the movies and ride the bus. Ensuring that A gets stellar service at any establishment and never EVER has to share a seat with anyone.
I am beginning to think that Marcus is a rather handy friend to have. I wonder if he has a brother. Named Eduardo the pool cleaner who wears nothing but a g-string on his tanned muscular body and is a fucking savant in the ways of pleasing a woman…
A, you are brilliant.
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{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
Yep. Scary. But brilliant. ROFL.
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If you can't beat the crazy, then join it.
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wow. just … wow!
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Brilliance often masks itself as a mental basket case. I present my L as evidence. There are moments when his intelligence and clarity stun me. Then ….well…..mental basket case.
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OK, I've worked with some strange ones, but A takes the cake.
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Um, wow?
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pass.
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Can I come and work with you please? It sounds like a real blast!
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How has she not been dragged away by the men in the white coats to spend the rest of her days at a funny farm?!
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What a scary scary woman!
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Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Oh, so sad to say I think I nursed her or her long lost twin once upon a time
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I need to hear more about A. She sounds kooky enough to provide a whole blog's worth of material.
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How wonderful, to work in such an interesting place! Can you have Eduardo accompany you to work, and could you claim for Disability Assistant? He could be like a seeing eye dog. I think you're on to something.
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Wow, you have been seriously holding out on us all this time. We need more A stories. Need them.
But seriously though? A Latvian named Marcus? It's just all wrong…
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And A remains employable? And I can't find a job? Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe I need to take an imaginary friend to my next interview…
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Yet A remains employable. And I can't find a job. Lovely. Maybe I should take an imaginary friend to my next interview…
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Yeah. Um, right. I just don't even know what to say. And she manages to get her work done okay? Full. On.
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Marcus the Latvian goat herder. I could write a book! Do you suppose she' copyrighted him? I could get in trouble, huh? Maybe that's not such a good idea. But if Marcus has a sister, let me know, 'K? Sometimes I get lonely, here in my cubicle, at work. I could use the company.
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Hmmm. Seems the Internet ate my comment. *blink* No. I'm not going to go there.
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That is more than a little scary.
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Wow. Freaky. Storing a frozen cat in her freezer is about the most normal thing on that list.
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ROFL
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See? If my workplace was as interesting as yours, I never would have left. Absolutely brilliant!
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OK wait. You're joking, right? Right??????
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Am I evil for wanting you to complain to her about Marcus flirting with and propositioning you?
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Love it
She sounds like quite a character
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I'm speechless. ::blink::blink::
Can I have what she's drinking? Cause that brand of crazy sounds like it might be fun.
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Holy cow, that would never go down at my work!
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rofl @ Krissa. Yes Kells, do it. You know you want to.
And as for the rest of your commenters: What is wrong with you? She sounds PERFECTLY normal to me. I know this as Marcus does INDEED have a brother named Guido who is Eduardo's identical twin. I just told Guido what you all said about A and he will be letting Marcus know.
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Wow – just wow. That takes eccentric to a whole new level of brilliance.
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I have had some very weird workmates in my long working life, including the guy last year who kissed me as I left after my shift was over, (um, yeah, that was creepy), but no one as weird as this A person. Maybe you should try to find out if Marcus is armed.
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damn. wow. that kind of freaked me out and thrilled me at the same time. i wish my first day back were half as interesting (or chill)!
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Holy shit,have fallen off my perch laughing.
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This is like a brilliant tutorial on how to get people to leave me the fuck alone. When the time is right, and I've had enough, I'll come back to this post. A lot.
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LOL! That is feckin scary like! XD
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Jeebus, the lengths people have to go to in order to out-Awesome you!
Still wondering why it was you wanted to keep this job.
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I liked this movie the first time it was made when it starred Jimmy Stewart and the role of Marcus was played by a very large rabbit named Harvey.
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Wow. She sounds kind of hard core. Dead cat in freezer? Yikes.
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oh dear, you just broke my head. Wow what an intriguing work place.
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Yeowza. 'A' really does sound like something.
I could seriously use a Marcus too though.
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I think you need to introduce this lady to your daughter's boyfriend.
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Cheers, Marcus! Can I bring your stunning brother to my next IEP meeting? All he has to do is sit there and back me up…
Life sure is interesting, no?
xo
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What Mad Woman said…can’t believe she hasn’t gotten canned for any of this!
Oh, and sorry for catching up my reading in reverse…just easier for me….
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