So on Monday I left work (oh what a fucked up, pissed off, full of arsehattery day THAT was) and as I was walking out the door I mentioned that I was going to the doctor to get my test results.
‘Hey, wanna run a book on what I have now? I am thinking mono’ *insert maniacal laughter here*
‘Terminal hickeys’ shot back one of my new co-workers, who is really not a new co-worker as I have known him for years and years. So I am thinking new old workmate, or old new workmate, or dude that is just a tad creepy but I cannot put my finger on why…
I left work, got the hell child from school and made our way to the doctors surgery.
Sitting in the waiting room, again, with hell child losing his fucking shit, again, with people getting up and moving and muttering about my parenting abilities, again, we waited for the doctor to call me.
Not my new doctor who actually does TESTS and LISTENS TO ME and doesn’t just put everything down to a virus and a script for antibiotics, he is on extended family leave, today we get to see Vlad Putin.
Now good ol’ Vlad has met Boo before. But he seems to have forgotten, and is all ‘is he coming?’ and foot tappage and shit while Boo is running from one end of the room to the other and ducking in and out of the doctors room, ‘just give him a second’ I sigh audibly and this kinda annoys old Vlad and he goes and sits down.
Finally Boo calms down enough to enter the room and lays on the floor with his shirt over his head, randomly shrieking.
‘What can I do for you today’ Vlad asks, while shooting worried glances at Boo who has now purloined a tongue depressor and is having an afternoon snack.
Tasty.
‘I had some blood tests and I am here for the results’ I tell him in between shrieks. Boo’s, not mine, I am screaming on the INSIDE cause the last time I was here the doc was talking about some serious shit. Please be legionnaires or one of the other billion things he tested for…
‘Ahhhh’ and then he proceeds to explain all the tests in minute detail in very heavily accented English and I just nod and smile cause I cannot understand nor HEAR a fucking thing.
‘Wait. Did you just say Glandular Fever?’
‘Yes. And Whooping Cough.’
‘So you are saying that I DO have Whooping Cough and I ALSO have Glandular Fever?’
‘Yes, yes. You need to rest.’
Oh fuck me. Say WHAT? Can you not SEE WHAT IS WRITHING ON YOUR FUCKING FLOOR?
And lets not even get started about the shit waiting for me at work AND at home.
I sit there blinking at him.
Boo sits up and says ‘Mum, nobody likes you. Why doesn’t anyone like you? You have no friends. People hate you.’ and turns it into his own personal mantra, over and over and over and over…
‘You need no stress and to rest. And here are some antibiotics…’
Oh fuck me. Sideways. Again.
And then I start giggling. Which quickly turns into deep belly laughs. I try to explain to the doctor about the conversation I had just on an hour ago but the poor bastard can’t understand a word with the laughing and the coughing and the shrieking, tongue depressor nomming, ‘nobody likes you’ chanting child rolling around the floor with his shirt over his head.
I calm myself down and then ask him about painkillers for my shoulder. Ones that DON’T cause stroke. And he is all ‘well if you REFUSE to take them then I can’t help you and have you had an ultrasound and why NOT?’
And I am still reeling from the Glandular Whoop thing and getting a little annoyed at being told I am worthless by my son so I kinda snap back at him ‘nobody told me to’ and the fucker ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME! Like I am supposed to KNOW what I fucking need…
By now Boo has turned the shrieking and abuse up a notch and is now threatening to strip naked, so I bid the doctor goodbye, and get the fuck out of there.
We ALMOST get to the car when Boo spots his sisters (walking from the train to meet us there) and starts to remove his clothing…
So I look up at the sky (well the awning over the store I was passing and HOLY SHIT there is an advertising opportunity going begging there people, I should totally start an advertising under awnings company…) and think – cause who knows who could be walking past if I said it out loud, I dunno maybe Boo’s principal – ‘Hey universe, I haven’t had chicken pox! Bring it bitch!’
And at that moment the diarrhoea came back and I got my period.*
(Ok, maybe not that second, the diarrhoea started like an hour later and the other the next day, but that wouldn’t be as dramatic now would it?)
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
Not that this is in the slightest helpful at all, but you could totally run away to Florida. I have an awesome fold-out couch for you. Really, though. I have nothing else for you other than my deepest of sympathies.
And boobs: \@-@/
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..I lost 15 pounds and I’m giving it to you!
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I think we need to do a collection for one of those wellness retreats, you know the ones where they have 24/7 unshaped broadband, chocolate covered everything and a shoe store. And Ewan McGregor. And send you there for at least a month. Actually if Ewan was there, I’d be there with bells on… and little else…
Fiona (Ms Fifikins)´s last blog ..Saving the curtains
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You need pool boys.
And chocolate.
Maybe chocolate-covered pool boys.
Jayne´s last blog ..October is simply galloping away!
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There’s also the Scottish country getaway that is my place. You’d like it here… plus this is the town Ewan McGregor is from, so you might see him visiting his parents… maybe.
((hugs)) honey, really just so fucked off for you. xx
Marylin´s last blog ..Censoring
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Whooping Cough AND Glandular Fever? wow. I suppose you don’t REALLY need to be told this because you’ve got Boo and Boo probably tells you this many, many times per day – but Baby … You’re fucked UP!! Jeez. Just hit the RESET button, will ya? Start over?
lceel´s last blog ..100 Word Challenge – Lemonade
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oh man! I love it went doctors tell me I need to rest and avoid stress. Yeah, I’ll get right on that.
terena´s last blog ..The Audiology Marathon
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Holy crap Glandular Whoop or whooping glandular? What a fucking day!!!! Rest? Whats rest? We’re mums!!!
Gilz´s last blog ..Supwise! Supwise!
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What is it about doctor’s surgeries that turn kids hyper? You could have been describing one of my recent visits with Mr 8. (Well, except for the bit about the whooping cough and glandular fever). Don’t you love it when you’re supposed to rest? Like – are they going to organise full time babysitting, at-home care, and time off work? Totally think they should. Otherwise they’re just messing with poor, stressed-out Mums!
MrsDesperate´s last blog ..Beware the salami …
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#1 – Boo’s wrong. People do like you. I am people and I do so it must be true.
#2 – There is a rule that no two orifices (orifi?) may be running – ew – at the same time.
#3 – The dry, arid climate of the Las Vegas desert is perfect for resting and relaxing. Come on down.
perpstu´s last blog ..I’ve Got a Long Way to Go!
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Ummm…. at least it’s not chlamydia?
Seriously, I hope things improve soon. Hugs!
Kate´s last blog ..Eagle eyes
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You are awesome and have friends, don’t let Boo or anyone else tell you otherwise.
I always get terrible diarrhoea just before my period, they are linked somehow and it sucks.
What is it with Doctors and kids? My doctor chucked a wobbly the other day when Annie was refusing to go straight into the consulting room said ‘if you don’t want to see me then I don’t want to see you’ and we had to wait for a gap in patients to actually be seen.
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Hey universe? It’s time to shit on someone else for a while. Seriously.
Robin from Israel´s last blog ..Sky? What sky?
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Jesus woman! Can you just, like, I dunno, check into some health spa clinic thing for like 6 months? The hubby can handl all of it for that long, maybe? You need a bloody vacation, BAD.
Lilacspecs´s last blog ..Secret of the Ooze
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I think you should call the Guinness Book of Records, cuz I’m positive you’ve broken some kind of malady record there. At the very least, you might get some free guinness.
If nobody likes you, what are we all doing here???
Nan´s last blog ..Immigrant Songs
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You need chocolate. And like, vodka. And a shoulder (I meant to cry on, but hey, a new shoulder would be awesome).
Veronica´s last blog ..Writing from a corner, where I’ve hidden.
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i got my period during sex once.
not so bad, unless you’re a lesbian.
yuck.
i hope all the shit you have is highly contagious and vlad idiot is now shitting through eye of needle.
or you could always take him a sample in an ice cream container.
just in case he needs to test it.
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See now, if you lived in the United States, you would already be planning where to build your personal sanitarium, since you’d get mucho loot in the nasty sexual harassment suit that you’d practically be duty-bound as an American citizen to lodge against the creepy new/old worker guy and his gnarly hickey comment.
BTW I tried finding a photo of a “chocolate covered pool boy” for your viewing pleasure, which led me to a site that defined the slang term “chocolate dipped man meat” in disturbing detail and oy. That’s one minute of my life I wish I could take back.
mama edge´s last blog ..Flatulent poetry: Or, how I learned to stop worrying and love the Mom
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Geez lady. You cant catch a fucking break! Come here to me my pet, and I will take good care of you. We’ll do nothing. Like NOTHING, and I’ll make my husband and boy wait on us! Doesnt that sound fanfuckingtastic?
Sarah´s last blog ..Like a kick in the crotch.
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Oh no…I had mono a few years ago and it was HORRRIBLE. What they do not tell you is that you need rest, yes, for like an entire f-ing YEAR. It really took me that long to feel totally normal again. I would get home from work as a teacher around four and literally sit on my couch, with my mind numb from exhaustion, but not sleepy, until bed time. It was like I had a limited supply of energy for the entire day and when it was gone, I was done for the day, try again tomorrow.
Halala Mama´s last blog ..Daddy Daycare
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Hugs Woman!
I know how hard the actual “rest” bit sounds, but you have 2 x teenage girls, give them a bit more responsibility and take a bit more time out for you. Rest in the form the doctor means isnt going to happen when you have kids, let alone a “Boo”, but you are going to have to make some changes somewhere, because we all want you to stay Awesome and that means you need to take extra care of you.
Hmm well in saying that I better go eat breakfast and then get my arse into gear and go to work, thankgod for morning clients who reschedule letting me slowly ease into the day (even if it means several hours less pay this week, I am too tired, sick etc to care really).
More Hugs & wish you some very nice shoes, chocolates and coffee!
(oh and have had mono and whooping cough before, although not at the same time, both are shitfull but you are an amazingly strong and resilient woman and you can get through this, just accept that it takes time, and be nice to yourself!!)
Erin!´s last blog ..Midnight Ponderings
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Nobody could EVER accuse you of not being interesting. Ever.
Silver lining?
Del´s last blog ..Torture
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Fuck….what else can happen? As if any mother can ‘rest’ when they’re sick. It gives me the shits too…..tho not literally like you.
and you do have people that love you…..
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I used to get the dial-o-reah occasionally when I was having a particularly bad period. I mean, of course, right? that would be the time to have it. When you feel like your life force is running right out of you till you have nothing left to give, why not the shit, too?
Krissa´s last blog ..Do you want the good news or the bad news?
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Why? Just, why? Why does the world do this stuff to good people?! I’m so sorry about the sickness. That sucks!
Rachael´s last blog ..Lift them Up
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Dear God, Kelley has had enough crap thrown her way this year. Please start sending her lots of money and happy and fun and quiet and relax and calm instead. Amen.
Amanda´s last blog ..Prac starts tomorrow
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Oh dear. Whooping cough seems to be so common in grown-ups these days they shouldn’t have to do the blood test any more… it’s rife in Adelaide as well as in your throat- does your throat resemble Adelaide- full of churches? Let Boo yell that!! At least the ossy-faygus has been spared greater indignities![?]! Chug that sophrusticration and get the girls to practice being Chief Physician!
Periods and diarrhea? Get the bl**dy womb out for Ceiling Cat’s sake! It’d do you the world of good!
Grumba/Murf´s last blog ..An internet rendezvous
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Wow! Wooping cough AND Glambular fever, and yet you still carry on and go to work. Woman, I bow before your Awesomeness!
I had the Gladular fever many years ago (Kay had just moved in with me, poor girl!) and was too crook to do anything for 6 weeks. And the night sweats! Ugh! Kay used to wipe me down —
— with a wet flannel and put a fan on me. I felt frozen, but my temp was way too high.
Stay safe!
spotrick´s last blog ..On the precarious nature of our lives
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Ma lady of maladies…i salute you and also hear you…what a bummer. You must be seriously run down or maybe …horror of horrors…getting older!
Seriously this is what long term stress does to our bodies….my hubby came back from his long service leave [after being in stress leave for four months before that] in the UK with a lump on his forehead. Everyone thought he hit his head or something …people here thought I hit him…he has shingles so lets hope you did have chicken pox when you were younger Kelley.
On a positive note….I can’t wear high heels anymore cause I need new knees…cause I wore high heels for too many years so those Bally sandals you loved are going begging for a new home….what size are you? They would seriously cheer you up some….and might get you some action…they don’t call em fuck shoes for nothing!
magikquilter´s last blog ..You just can’t pay some people to have fun!
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Really 2009 can go fuck off. You could totally write a book about how 2009 completely fucked you over. I’m beginning to think that you may be making some of this shit up, actually, because seriously…you have the worst luck of anyone I’ve ever encountered.
*mwah*
Ali´s last blog ..Happy blog birthday to meeeeeee!
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fuck. me. dead. over. a. barbed. wire. fence.
hugs
MistressB´s last blog ..oh for the love of holidays!
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Yeah. What MistressB said.
Jesus H Christ on a cracker. Vlad….you’re a dickhead. A DICKHEAD!!!! DO you hear me? (should you take a copy of the above post and point out to him JUST how stoopid he is?)
Staggering year Kelley, just staggering. (Jaw still on floor)
Laura´s last blog ..In a spin
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You need a little humor.
So this homeless bum, could be my brother, all smelly and dirty and hungry and dragging his leg b/c its broke and don’t work, goes into a church for 40 days and 40 nights, drags himself up to the altar, looks up and yells, “Why me, why me?”
On the 40th day he does it again only this time a bolt of lightning comes down and fries him right there and then a loud voice comes out of the heavens, “Cuz You piss me off.”
No moral of the story. That’s it.
Audubon Ron´s last blog ..Rainy Day Gumbo
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Bloody hell woman!
Would it help if I told you your site is looking totally awesome?
Probably not.
You already knew that.
But it is.
Hope you get better soon. (and tell your boss from me that he shouldn’t come west of the Nullabor)
Cellobella´s last blog ..A postcard from Roebourne
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I don’t think I’ve managed glandular fever as well, but I officially have whooping cough now too. And I’m writing the official complaint this weekend about the doctor who pooh-poohed it a couple of weeks ago. Back when antibiotics would have helped and before I infected quite so many people.
Incidentally, are you planning to put in a complaint about your boss and that dodgy job reclassification that looks awfully like victimisation?
Chookie´s last blog ..How to Get Rid of Cabbage White Caterpillars
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I love the way doctors are so realistic about people, too. At my six-week checkup after the Twig was born, I was quite anaemic due to birth complications. The doctor (yes, a woman with children) asked me if I felt tired. Um, my first baby is six weeks old…
Chookie´s last blog ..How to Get Rid of Cabbage White Caterpillars
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I am truly speechless. WHAT THE FUCK is glandular fever?
{{hugs}} and [[kisses]]
ree´s last blog ..Haiku Friday – Here we go again
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I have no idea what Glandular Fever is either…I have to look it up…want to come to Lilacspecs and CBs wedding?? A week in the States away from EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING might help…I’m working a couple extra jobs to pay for all the ‘wedding expenses’ including our trip to Belgium for their reception, but I could find a way to add you to my expense list…whatdayasay? Pittsburgh in May is quite nice!
p.s. yes, the red menace is just an inconvenience…the uterus is apparently quite happy with all these extra hormones..due again on Monday!
Hotmamamia´s last blog ..Biopsy is back and…
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FUCKING MONO!!!! I am just going to reiterate what everyone else said…FUCK THAT SHIT, you have sooooooo had enough.
PULEEZE take one of us up on our offers and let us get you some real rest!
Oh, and Boo has never been more wrong in his little life…WE ALL LOVE YOU and wish that there was some way, just some real way that we could help!
Hotmamamia´s last blog ..Biopsy is back and…
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OH.MAH.GAWD. Woman! This is crazy, you need to catch a break! You need a lot less drama and a whole lotta rest. I hope you get some.
Karen MEG´s last blog ..Friday Fragments – What, second day in a row?
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