This morning, after a night of hacking up a lung with The Sickness That Is Not Whooping Cough Anymore But Something Entirely Different But We Just Don’t Know What It Is So Suck It Up Princess And Reduce That Stress Already, my eyes flew open at 7.46am
Which is really 7.38am. Which I know immediately, thus negating the setting the clock a little fast to get me moving quicker in the mornings thing. But I makes me do maths early in the morning reducing my risk of Alzheimer’s.
So ‘Go Me!’
(and yes, this seems to be the post of capitalising Everything.)
So some of you would be all ‘Well that is OK, 7.46 is a respectable time to be getting out of bed when you are hacking up a lung with The Sickness That Is Not Whooping Cough Anymore But Something Entirely Different But We Just Don’t Know What It Is So Suck It Up Princess And Reduce That Stress Already, all night. And to that I would say Nay.
As in no. Not like a horse. But I was screaming like a fucking banshee cause it was 7.46, no 7.38 and we have to be at the train station in 22 minutes!
And while I can get ready in 22 minutes, with time to spare to just stand and marvel at my awesomeness, my family cannot. Boo especially. It takes approximately 7 minutes and 32 seconds to convince him to get in the shower. Another 5 to convince him to get out of the shower. Three to chase him around to brush his teeth and answer his questions, in Japanese, while he is spitting toothpaste all over me.
And don’t even get me started on how long it takes to dress him, with the taking off and foot goes in the pants leg three times before he can actually pull them up… people should bow to me that I don’t start drinking in the mornings.
Anyway, I run around waking everyone up and now it is 7.45 and I am wondering how the fuck I am going to get this happening when MPS suggests he call work and tell them he will be in late.
Breathe a HUGE sigh of relief.
Get Boo in the shower and MPS grabs the keys to take Moo to the train station, kisses and hugs and ‘have a WONDERFUL day’s ensue and they run out the door. I collect Boo’s uniform and start walking down the hallway to set his clothes up in the order of demand on couch in the lounge (don’t even go there) when Moo comes flying in the door screaming hysterically.
Cue my head exploding with thoughts of twisted metal and MPS having to be cut out of the car and OMG I am not even dressed and the ambulance guys will be here any minute…
Turns out, as Moo was getting in the car she smashed her head on the door.
So now, instead of thoughts of blood and ambulance men seeing me without a bra, I am resigned to the fact that the last day I have on my own without children before the HELL of school holidays will now include Moo wandering around all Emo.
By now I have a little caffeine in my system, Boo is ready and I drive MPS to the bus stop. Across four lanes of peak hour traffic with Boo screaming ‘Stop the car!’ ‘Start the car!’ ‘Don’t drive!’ ‘DRIVE MUMMY DRIVE!’ and get him to school just as the school bell rings.
Kisses and hugs and send him in the classroom to see that there is a fucking SUBSTITUTE TEACHER AND HIS AIDE IS NO WHERE IN SIGHT!
I look up to the heavens and give a death glare. Fuck you universe, I mouth.
Just as the principal walks by me.