I am having a terrible time with my little ol’ MacBook, the whirly giggy thing is going overtime and firefox keeps hanging and I am all DAMN YOU FIREFOX and then have to force quit and reopen the 400 tabs of vitally important stuff that I had open and then the whole cycle starts again and makes me wanna kick a puppy.
Good thing we don’t have a puppy.
And MPS ain’t home.
But, when this happened firefox logged me out of google reader and as I was huffing and puffing and being all surly about the damn inconvenience I noticed there was a list of ‘popular’ feeds.
After scrolling through endless copies of my blog posts (you know, cause I am so uber popular and awesome and shit, derr) I found some stuff that made me gaffaw. Mainly because it was toilet humour.
Cause that is how my inner 12 year old rolls.
Like the family that lost their dog. And thought it perfectly reasonable to leave a trail of urine to lure their puppy back home. Seriously, you have to wonder about the thought processes of the adults in the family to think ‘hey! Everyone else puts up lost posters and drive around looking for Fluffy! How about we strap Billy to the back of the car and drive around while he leaves a pee trail!’ and then little Mary was all ‘Muuuuuuum! I want a turn!’ Family’s urine bid to locate dog – via BBC
Perhaps they have been reading about urine power. I was particularly interested to read, when interested means OMG head explosion, that personal electronic devices could be urine powered. And you KNOW where my head went with that…and then I read further. ‘One molecule of urea, a major component of urine, contains four atoms of hydrogen bonded blahblahblah‘ Wait. Back up a second science dude. Urea?
Fuck me dead. There is piss in my face cream. My face cream brings all the dogs to the yard.Urine: A ‘Clean Energy Source – Discovery News
Then there is the tale of the two Russian chicks.
There is the chick who holds the world record of the strongest vagina. Apparently she heard ancient chicks inserted wooden balls in their ‘intimate’ girly bits to strengthen muscles. So she used glass balls. As you do, cause I would much rather glass shards over splinters any day. Meet the worlds strongest vagina – Scanner.
Not to be outdone by her fellow Ruski who yelled a bear and scared the shit out of it “Tatiana had attacked the bear from behind and dragged it away, she then shouted at the animal so loudly that it fled into the forest.” Russian woman beats a bear barehanded after it attacks her husband – MosNews.com
They definitely breed their chicks different over there.
And to end this bizarre little ol’ post I will leave you with a little edumacation.
How to open a banana like a monkey.
Go do it. You know you want to.
{ 29 comments }
Ha ha. Yay. In your face first person from last time.
Jodieodie’s last blog post..from the lounge room…
and I can’t play that banana video. This is Kelly after all. There’s no trusting it wont be gratuitously pornographic, and I get enough of that off line.
Jodieodie’s last blog post..from the lounge room…
Okay. I’m off to buy a bunch bananas now.
Who knew!
Momisodes’s last blog post..Away with the ladies
I have always opened my bananas like that. Now I feel like a frackin’ genius. (He seemed very smart.)
Tammy’s last blog post..The Happiest Place on Earth
Who knew? Thank you for this edifying post. I, too, have been opening a banana wrong my whole life.
Can we just pee on our faces? Sounds so much cheaper than Sothy’s Immuniscience Creme.
And do your Keegel’s for a way strong vagina!
Nan’s last blog post..But First, The Highlights…..
Urea is actually not pee itself. It’s a compound that appears in pee. It also appears in saliva. (I had a freakout when I discovered this whilst buying face cream with my mother, a biology teacher, who explained it to me.) So it’s not 100% revolting. Only, like… 80%.
Veronica’s last blog post..Wonderful Linkage:
Umm, well, alrighty then.
Audubon Ron’s last blog post..Now-Hear-This
If you can do that with the banana, MPS is a luck man.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Mr (or Ms) Fitz of science
Okay, so I put the one glass ball in and tie a second one to it and then … do what, exactly? Really, need a little guidance here. Am feeling a bit silly with a glass orb dangling betwixt my knees, and also I think my postal carrier just saw me and will have to take a leave of absence so he can get hypnotized by someone who can erase the image of me, waddling around like a demented human pendulum, from his memory banks.
mama edge’s last blog post..The art of parental strategery
Ow, ow, and more ow! I hate bananas…good thing I’m not a monkey!
OMG, that banana thing is amazing! I’ll never struggle to open a banana again.
Kimberlee’s last blog post..LA Times: What if TMZ Had Been Wrong?
Lemons grow better when you pee on them and standing in a bucket of pee cures chilblains.
Go on, you know you wanna…
Jayne’s last blog post..Gangrenous Penis… Sat’dee July 11
I gotta go pee now. And eat a banana.
Krissa’s last blog post..She’d never make it as a maid.
Um. Is it weird that I’ve always opened bananas like that?
Just call me apegirl.
Ree’s last blog post..Haiku Friday – The Mammogram Edition
Wow, I didn’t know they recommended blogs. So now I checked it and they recommend a daddy blog called “The Wind in Your Vagina.” It’s like Google can read my mind!
People in the Sun’s last blog post..Sookie!
Oh noes. Yes I have no bananas! I will purchase and try. Beefcake has the banana opening part of his brain missing and is often found swearing and yelling in the kitchen, mangled, firmly sealed banana in hand, he will be thrilled.
Pfft. Now, if you could peel a banana with your vagina, *that* would be impressive.
BTW, that Russian site is a mine of interesting stories: e.g. “Woman blasts off boyfriend’s penis with firecrackers” was particularly affecting.
spotrick’s last blog post..Authors ready to throw the book at online pirates
@mama edge, I think the idea of the two balls is the second one acts as a weight, dragging on the first one, and you have to use those muscles to hold the first ball in. If the muscles are really slack, the weight of the second ball will just pull the first ball straight out. So exercise the muscles until you can hold it in, then use a heavier “weight” for further training.
No, I don’t do this. Kegels are enough for me.
her vagina muscles are in the guinness book of WORLD records and she STILL calls them ‘intimate’ muscles?
fuck me.
i think she should hold the record for the worlds dumbest cunt.
seriously though:
do you think she could break a penis with that thing?
now that i want to see.
seriously.
Sammi’s last blog post..Fence
forgot to say:
for a natural flea treatment for cats, *apparently* you can use urine.
is that why you hearing people look like your pissing with your mouths when you call cats?
Sammi’s last blog post..Fence
I met a couple of hippy’s in India once who were right into ‘urine therapy.’ But personally, I’m not that keen on drinking my own pee!!
Sowing The Seeds’s last blog post..Amanita muscaria
Have just shown the kids the banana video. Sadly couldn’t show them the other one. That woman is scary!
dizzymum’s last blog post..Soup and swine flu
Somehow, through this whole post the word MANEATER kept running through my mind. Enough to give one shivers.
lceel’s last blog post..Seconds – more taste
Can I first just say how stunned I am at the number of videos there are teaching us the proper way to peel a banana? Then can I say I hope the lady with the World’s Strongest Vagina ate bananas after her workouts because potassium is great for rebuilding tired muscles.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)’s last blog post..i remember when you couldn’t wait to love me, used to hate to leave me
OHMYGOD I WANT THAT VAGINA!!
bejewell’s last blog post..The Mall
So glad I stopped by. My brain is still trying to figure out how all these things are related even though you told us they are not related, though.
Kel’s last blog post..Fried computer, my just dessert
Darn. Now I wish I liked bananas.
Robyn’s last blog post..A few patterns that I really want or may die without
dude, i learned about the woman with the glass balls in her hoo-ha right after my daughter was told to do KEGELS as part of her physical therapy for a back injury.
wtf?????????
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Weekly Winners: July 4-11
Do not be ascared of the urea … we is growin our foods in it.
Amanda’s last blog post..The final results for Semester 1 are in…
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