Last week we went on a ‘team building exercise’.
The senior managers go on this shit all the time. Sometimes it is to a flash hotel overlooking the city lights, others an island on the Whitsundays. On one of these junkets they decided that in order to lift moral they should throw a few shekels the way of the people that actually do the fucking work and send us all on a day out.
A day to let us get to know ourselves and each other a little better. With free food and a little OMFG WE ARE DOING WHAT NOW? thrown in for good measure.
The memo sent out stated it was ‘rustic’ and to wear comfortable shoes.
Okay then.
So I wore jeans, a lacy top and these adorable cute little Mary Janes with red stitching. That totally went with my bag.
And a wrap. You know, for just in case we had to stand around outside waiting for the bus or something. It IS winter after all.
I need to interrupt this tale to say, I grew up in the city. I live in the country, but I am a city girl. I don’t do ‘dirty’ or ‘rustic’ or ‘camping’ or ‘instant coffee’ or any of that sort of thing. Roughing it to me is a 4 star hotel…
So anyway, we all pile into a bus and drive the hour or so to our destination.
We drive up a dirt road and I look out the window and quip ‘Oh THERE it is!’ pointing to a tin shed with no walls on three sides. I am giggling as I turn to my workmates and they all look at me like I have lost my mind and tell me that yes, it is and why are you grinning like a loon?
The look of complete abject horror on my face sent the bus load of officeworkers that have lived in the country for their entire lives into hysterics. One even choked on her own spit.
Cause she is classy like that.
We piled out of the bus, I am still thinking this is a horrible joke when the doors open and I see plastic garden furniture set up in the required U shape of our meeting room.
Wood chips on the floor. Tin roof with SKULLS of DEAD ANIMALS hanging along with rusty dangerous looking (what I surmised) farm equipment. A fucking DANCE FLOOR in the corner and plastic mugs next to a jar of generic brand instant coffee.
I. Am. In. Hell.
There is plastic up against the walls, blowing in the arctic winds and a huge fireplace the size of my lounge room burning with a fucking TREE in it.
Our senior manager is running around taking photos of everyone – probably as proof we turned up - and every single pic is of me looking at the roof. Checking for spiders.
By now my feet are iceblocks. My wrap is wound around my body and the only source of warmth is the forest ablaze near the door or *shudder* instant coffee. The trainer smiles sweetly and informs us we are about to take a personality test.
Fucking brilliant.
By now I am ready to cut a bitch, but I do the test and answer the questions the way I know they want them answered and I come out as an introvert people pleaser and pray that someone, anyone will come and save me from this horror.
Or at least has some rum to take away the pain.
We have lunch – apparently that is what they called the slop – and then are informed that we are to take on MORE work with less time and hey, we are getting new desks! Half the size of the ones we have.
Oh fuck me dead. What?
But the true horror was to come.
A team building exercise.
Oh yes.
I was teamed up with 3 others, one of which is the girl that sits near me that never ever stops eating. And likes to pretend that she knows what she is talking about by talking really loudly over everyone just regurgitating what someone else has said.
We had to throw an egg without breaking it using straws, string, balloons, tape and paper.
I designed an aerodynamic tee-pee construction with the egg tightly wrapped in tape with a cushioning lightly inflated balloon inside. It was fucking awesome.
The others tied fully inflated balloons to it to make it float.
???
We lost.
And fucker face stuffing idea stealing bitch told the manager that she designed the aerodynamic tee pee of awesome.
I lost my fucking shit. In a professional way of course.
And now she is not speaking to me.
So, despite the freezing ninja arachnid infested instant coffee OMFG say what are we doing now personality testing floor covered in bark that could totally catch fire if the forest rolled out of the loungeroom sized fire pit 8 hours sitting on garden furniture, I think the day was a success.
Now if I could only get the bitch to close her mouth while her face is in the food trough, life would be totally sweet.
{ 35 comments }
OMG, that sounds like a nightmare. Teambuilding is always such a joke anyway…I’m glad you were able to find some humour in it anyway.
Oh, lord. At least they didn’t make you do the whole “survival in the forest overnight” thing, with a person you always secretly despised as your “buddy” and one sleeping bag between you.
(Voice of little Mary Sunshine),It could always be worse!
Krissa’s last blog post..Bullets… not silver ones though.
I have been training new people now for 6 weeks. 6 horrible, crappy, arsehole infested weeks. I am so ready for it to be over. It fucking irritates me that when I am supposed to be training someone, that they look at me like I have spiders crawling out of my ears when I correct something they have done wrong, after they SAY they have read the book twice and have been at the hands on training for 4 days. Come on, arseholes, it ain’t that hard.
i would have reacted the exact same way. sorry you lost the egg exercise and got design-dissed by the eater.
you’re hilarious and totally going on my blogroll. i need profanity like you for my street cred.
ogladi’s last blog post..Sunday Farting – Type P
I lost it at, INSTANT COFFEE *pukes*
There have been times I have felt a little glimmer of sympathy for you; strokes and shit will do that. But GOD DAMN… INSTANT COFFEE. Have you recovered? Don’t they know that is listed under an extreme form of torture in the Geneva Convention?
I shall now sit in the corner and shudder. That’s the worst horror story I’ve read for ages.
anja’s last blog post..All my customer eat pussy.
face stuffing fucker totally deserved an egg or twenty in her face.
or cracked over her head.
or thrown up her arse.
team building exercises are worse than arse crack fluff.
which, incidentally, i believe is actually better than instant coffee.
Sammi’s last blog post..Funny stupid person
I would have DIED being in that place. I am with you sista, four stars is damn sacrifice.
As for the bitch, she knows she is a pathetic excuse for a human being already.
But it would indeed be nice to cut her anyways.
Gina’s last blog post..Friday Poll
“team building” ftw! lmao
Next time someone says that, punch them in the pancreas.
Let’s declare a fatwa on all this HR Six Sigma Thinking Hats Myer-Briggs bollocks.
spotrick’s last blog post..Authors ready to throw the book at online pirates
Tin roof spiders :: shudder :: nightmares
Are they trying to build the team spirit by making all the employees wanting to commit homicide at the same time?
Team building. Pfft! Waste of f***ing time if you ask me.
When forced to go on such exercises, ALWAYS check the venue. That way you can either be sure to dress appropriately, or have a migraine and stay home while someone takes notes for you. You know; who wore what, who spent the whole time flirting with the manager, who vomited from the foul coffee….
If you can’t get out of going, stash some edible food and decent coffee in your overly large bag, next to the bars of chocolate.
P.S. I like instant coffee. Drink it every day.
I don’t mind roughing it on occasion, in a beautiful setting (no fugly tin roof and SPIDERS thankyouverymuch), but good god do I hate team-building exercises. So so so glad I now work from home, 10,000 miles away from my boss and coworkers!
Robin’s last blog post..Summer Stock Sunday #4 – It’s not all fun and games
yuck. i totally hate that shit.
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Stream of unconciousness
Aha, finally — an advantage to my working in a particularly cash-strapped bit of the public service. No team-building!
I suggest someone might need their ears ripped off about the inadequate dress information. Bet you weren’t the only one half-frozen.
One day I’ll tell you about the Christian camp I went on one winter in the Blue Mountains… where they employed Satanists in the kitchen.
Chookie’s last blog post..A Drive in the Country
Shouldn’t that be “Kill me now my Lord, Kill me now”
Mistress B’s last blog post..8 Reasons Why Cooking Is Great For Kids!
I could totaly not f**king do that. Ever.
Firstly..that place LOOKED LIKE SHIT..
Secondly..I HATE PEOPLE, therefore have no interest whatsoever in “team building”. I am in awe that you did not get a cab the f**k out of there.
shelly’s last blog post..FLYING INTERSTATE FOR CHRISTMAS- or how to get fucked royally by VIRGIN-or QANTAS
I can cope with most things, but hate “team building” with a passion.
My worst memory of a “team building day” is laying on the floor of a place very similar to your “retreat” and having to do Wei Lani Yoga with my supervisor and the boss. …and hum some sort of energy yoga thingy. Awkward.
…and after the humming we returned to the plastic furniture and Fat Ken (his preferred nickname) broke a plastic chair and got wedged in it.
Fun times I tell ya.
Amanda’s last blog post..school cake stalls….
Bloody hell… glad I’ve not had to go to anything like that! >_<
Marylin’s last blog post..Picking myself up again.
I’ve been on a ‘humour in the workplace’ day….
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..The nuts & seeds of the matter
I am dying here. What a comically bad outing. I’m really sorry to laugh at your pain. What was your company thinking? Times like this I am super glad I work from home.
Stimey’s last blog post..The Image For My Guest Review on Another Site is Right Here
That sounds awesome, don’t know what you’re whingeing about. Good on you for not letting bitch take credit for your design.
Ali’s last blog post..….And now with only a slight delay I present to you the kitchen of blood, sweat and swears
yaaaaaaaaaahahahhahaha. really, what do you expect? the suckers had to send you to a shithole to prove how tough times really where. it looks like a terrible nightmare from the scout camps of my youth… i could even taste the slop as you described it. urghhh, and those granuley styrofoam cups of instand. i think i just gagged a little.
estelle’s last blog post..DIY Guide to the Biennale
DID YOUR SHOES SURVIVE???
Sorry, I have to think of the shoes, you know.
Ree’s last blog post..Sharing Saturday Returns Again
Oh the joys of messing with people because my dearest awesomeness, part of what I do for a living is EXACTLY Myers Briggs tests and team building exercises. I’m the guy who makes you do things.
The one I love is when I blind fold people, tie them together and lead them through a maze that I keep changing on them as they bump into shit and crawl their way out. At the end I ask, “Now what do you suppose the message is behind this exercise?” Then I listen to them go off in elaborate explanation and all the while thinking, “Nope you dumb shit, I’m just getting my rocks off fucking with you.”
Somehow at the end everybody has a great day. I’m still not sure how that happens. People actually pay me to do this to them.
Audubon Ron’s last blog post..While the Little Woman’s Away…
I hate teambuilds and I’m always dressed inappropriately for them too!
Jeanette’s last blog post..Weekly Winners – a Bratz party
Sounds like an unqualified success to me. Glad to see you’ve properly bonded with your toughing team mate.
womb for improvement’s last blog post..World O’Pain
Team building is another title for “torment the poor bastards on an equal level for once and make everyone so miserable they’ll eat each other just to escape”.
Glad to see you didn’t give in to the temptation!
Jayne’s last blog post..Chuckin’ a tanty coz Mummy says I can’t have my own stately mansion, hmph.
Ah yes, I get to do a park day with the marketing reps who never talk to the underwriters unless they need a huge mega favor. The rest of the time they ignore us and close the elevator doors in our face while we mess with their renewals. Now, sometime next month during summer in Chicago, I have to go to the park, eat a barbeque lunch and play team building games. My friend on the committee won’t tell me when this will be so I can conveinently schedule my son’s dental work on the same day. And things will be EXACTLY the same the day after this fiasco!
Jennifer A’s last blog post..So, why has Jennifer been so quiet for the past couple days?
Come on.
Be honest.
You loved every minute of it.
WiddleShamrock’s last blog post..Fortuneately…….Unfortunately
I am so glad this firm is too tight to send us on teambuilding exercises!
This could SO be a sitcom.
lceel’s last blog post..Reruns
Team.building.exercise. *shudders* No fucking way. I hate that shit! Your shoues sound VERY cute though!
So, did you find out what type of personality you have?
Suzy’s last blog post..An Anniversary – Part 3
So, let me get this straight. They get five-star island luxury, and you guys get a freezing, spider-infested shed in the bush. And the final insult? Instant coffee.
Dud, you should have ‘twisted’ your ankle in those shoes and taken a week off work for that!
MrsDesperate’s last blog post..Look out Auckland…more Aussies are coming!
And for that you will do twice as much work with half a new desk??? Was I the only one to pick up on that juicy tidbit??? The whole thing sucks donkey balls…I think I might not have even gotten off the frickin bus! TIme for a promotion….
Hotmamamia’s last blog post..Want a peek at my stomach? How about my colon? My feet?
Actually, I just spent the equivalent of two days at a ‘retreat’…in meetings from 8Am- 5PM…really roughing it I tell you….here’s the place….http://www.toftrees.com/
And all was not lovely as I had DEAD SKUNK smell wafting into my room every night through the air conditioner!!! Eau de skunk did not mix well with my usual deodorant or cologne either!
Hotmamamia’s last blog post..Want a peek at my stomach? How about my colon? My feet?
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