Dear Eldest Child,
Household domestic duties
I am writing to you today in reference to our conversation this morning, 16 June 2009, when you expressed your dismay at an article of clothing not being laundered. I understand your dissatisfaction stemmed from your belief that your needs were not being met by a member of our household, triggering my letter to you today.
Under the Geneva Convention ‘rights of a child’ (as Part 1 Article 1 states: ‘For the purposes of the present Convention, a child means every human being below the age of eighteen years unless, under the law applicable to the child, majority is attained earlier’, so this would be YOU for the next couple of months anyway) the adults of your household are required by moral and lawful grounds to provide you with adequate food and shelter, also ensuring that you have the means to acquire an education to the standards set by the country of your origin. There is no provision that states that specific articles of clothing have to be laundered to your satisfaction nor that any other member of the household must psychically appreciate your requirements.
Upon researching your grievances, I came across ‘laundering’ but I don’t believe this pertains to your issue, as it refers to laundering of children and I am of the understanding that you prefer to bathe without the assistance of the person who which you hold this grievance.
Given the opportunity to reflect on your inference that I am in fact ‘lazy’ for not making the particular item available to you in the state you believe you have a right to find it, your general demeanour around the time of your statements, and my desire to live up to the expectations of my offspring, I have made available to you:
- a copy of the Geneva Convention and United Nations Declaration of the right of a child, with relevant paragraphs highlighted for your convenience. It is translated into many languages but alas, not Emo nor spoiled fucking princess
- clean drinking water from the tap
- nutritious food for you to prepare to your liking
- a box of laundry power
- the phone number of the local taxi service
- and a huge fucking BITE ME
And, on request, I can issue you with detailed instructions on how to use the washing machine (again), the oven (again), stovetop and microwave. The offer to kiss my arse is readily available also.
If you have any further questions or requests please forward these in writing to someone who gives a flying fuck, or consult with your local United Nations representative, whose number I would provide if I wasn’t so goddamn lazy.
Awesome Mummy esq.