Dear Eldest Child,
Household domestic duties
I am writing to you today in reference to our conversation this morning, 16 June 2009, when you expressed your dismay at an article of clothing not being laundered. I understand your dissatisfaction stemmed from your belief that your needs were not being met by a member of our household, triggering my letter to you today.
Under the Geneva Convention ‘rights of a child’ (as Part 1 Article 1 states: ‘For the purposes of the present Convention, a child means every human being below the age of eighteen years unless, under the law applicable to the child, majority is attained earlier’, so this would be YOU for the next couple of months anyway) the adults of your household are required by moral and lawful grounds to provide you with adequate food and shelter, also ensuring that you have the means to acquire an education to the standards set by the country of your origin. There is no provision that states that specific articles of clothing have to be laundered to your satisfaction nor that any other member of the household must psychically appreciate your requirements.
Upon researching your grievances, I came across ‘laundering’ but I don’t believe this pertains to your issue, as it refers to laundering of children and I am of the understanding that you prefer to bathe without the assistance of the person who which you hold this grievance.
Given the opportunity to reflect on your inference that I am in fact ‘lazy’ for not making the particular item available to you in the state you believe you have a right to find it, your general demeanour around the time of your statements, and my desire to live up to the expectations of my offspring, I have made available to you:
- a copy of the Geneva Convention and United Nations Declaration of the right of a child, with relevant paragraphs highlighted for your convenience. It is translated into many languages but alas, not Emo nor spoiled fucking princess
- clean drinking water from the tap
- nutritious food for you to prepare to your liking
- a box of laundry power
- the phone number of the local taxi service
- and a huge fucking BITE ME
And, on request, I can issue you with detailed instructions on how to use the washing machine (again), the oven (again), stovetop and microwave. The offer to kiss my arse is readily available also.
If you have any further questions or requests please forward these in writing to someone who gives a flying fuck, or consult with your local United Nations representative, whose number I would provide if I wasn’t so goddamn lazy.
Up Yours,
Awesome Mummy esq.
{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }
HA! I love it.
P.S. Laundry sucks. 🙁
Loralee’s last blog post..Help Loralee’s Looney Tunes recognize you at BlogHer ‘09!!!!!
Your eldest and my six-year-old clearly have a scary amount of attitude in common…! Does this mean I have another 12 years or more to suffer?
Kate’s last blog post..Teeny Houdini
Love it!
Am going to copy this out and email to my husband re his workshirts. I wouldn’t be so cranky about his shirts if he just put them in the damn laundry basket when he takes them off. I refuse to hunt under chairs, tables and various other items of furniture for his dirty clothing.
Will also save a copy to show Annie and Heidi as I’m sure they will one day have similar accusations and demands, they are after all their fathers daughters.
Love the last bullet! And yes, I’d definitely give her the letter, but I’d send it registered mail and force her to go collect it from the post office.
Robin’s last blog post..Sittin’ on the dock of the bay
This is the first letter to one of your children that hasn’t made me cry. Good luck with the whole – turns out I’m not your slave – angle. The UN, bringing in the big guns there, Kel. Nice.
Jodieodie’s last blog post..waiting
Take that, ungrateful wench.
anja’s last blog post..Public Service Warning: Don’t do drugs!!!
“It is translated into many languages but alas, not Emo nor spoiled fucking princess”
Bwahahaha … Oh but I’m glad I do kegels or I woulda been in trouble just now.
I am so saving this for the time when I need it for my own princess…..
Amanda’s last blog post..school cake stalls….
i hate laundry with the passion of white-hot lasers.
which is why i have tricked roo (hey, i just realized she fits in with your crowd!) to do it for me.
bow to MY awesomeness…
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Why my hair is prematurely gray, part II
That was fucking awesome. It merits framing and mounting in the bathroom.
Zoeyjane’s last blog post..On a news flash
Bwahaha!
Nice.
Nearly sprayed my monitor with tea from my nostrils, because I’m laughing so hard. Now if I could just get my 3yr old to read, my problem would be solved!
Ness @ Drovers Run’s last blog post..Sugar, Peanut Butter, and Harry Potter
I really need a copy of this for my Eldest too.
Brilliant letter, simply brilliant.
Tara R.’s last blog post..First kiss…
You hit the nail on the head there, Kelley. Persons who don’t like your methods of laundering, cooking etc, can damn well do their own! Same rules applied in my house too, when the kids were younger. Until they started buying their own clothes, then they were assigned a laundry day and did their own.
LOVE IT!
Veronica’s last blog post..This Shit Sucks
Next time, wash it and shrink it. (My step mother did that to my favourite cardigan – I never let her touch my clothes again)
Womb For Improvement’s last blog post..It’s A Fit Up (Or, how to start a fitness routine in 9 short months)
I LOVE YOU! You always have the perfect way with words….I think you should also present her a bill for your services and deduct payment from things like the PROM GOWN or other future ditties! Brilliant!
hotmamamia’s last blog post..NOLA, yet one more time
You are so on the right track here!
I once went on strike for two weeks (underappreciation)I would make delicious suppers for one, and eat them alone. Now, I get big thanks when I cook supper.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Leftovers from 2007
*snort*
Love it…. I wish I had come up with it myself several years go!
GoaldeeBug’s last blog post..Graduation
Brilliant!! I can’t tell you the number of times I have heard SWMBO exclaim, to any one of three sons, “WHO do you think you’re talking to?” … Which would be followed immediately by any number of different sounds … anything from “Sorry Mom” to whatever she had in her hands hitting the wall, floor, etc. Sometimes there was the solid (and satisfying) thump of ‘found target’.
They did, one way or the other, get the message.
lceel’s last blog post..Sunday in the park
Such eloquence. Take that kiddo.
The perfect post. One for the album.
A round of applause for the author. (the crowd goes wild)
Laura’s last blog post..Blondes have more fun
Each of my children was introduced to Mr. Washing Machine on their 12th birthday, given instructions on his use, and were thereafter required to do their own laundry or it didn’t get done. They are all three still alive to tell of it today, some 25 years later. My son was the one who didn’t get it, and went to school many days in dirty pants because he just did not believe that I wasn’t going to do it if he didn’t. He caught on after a few years, though.
Karen’s last blog post..Remember Wednesday
Love it!
Chookie’s last blog post..The Great Pea Experiment
First there was the American Declaration of Independence by Thomas Jefferson. Then the Emancipation Proclamation by Abraham Lincoln.
And now, Kelley’s International Parental Freedom Decree. You, my dear, shall go down in history for this one.
mama edge’s last blog post..Did I really say that?
Damn, you’re good.
No, wait. You’re awesome.
Ree’s last blog post..Letters from Monday – Part 2,372
I am pinching this and saving it to present to my eldest child as needed lol
Mistress B’s last blog post..Screw Up Tuesday!
Printing this off, laminating it, and tucking it away for a not so distant future when I feel it will be necessary to highlight these bullet points to my own!
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)’s last blog post..he’ll always be my beast of burden
Ironically, I am currently avoiding doing my child’s laundry by reading this!
She’s four and can’t quite reach the knobs, so I will refrain from giving her this letter for at least another year. (or should I just buy her a step-stool?)
MaoMao’s Mommy’s last blog post..I Belong To You
Bravo!!! I needed this giggle this morning – you are indeed the most awesomest of all Moms!
Can you write one for my 11YO?? Also, can you send a big BITE ME to him as well. You’re way more scary than I am, but also AWESOME (with awesome sauce).
Maternal Mirth’s last blog post..Move’in On Up
*smirking*
Damn right, too!
And you can bet that as soon as my kids are tall enough to reach the dials, they’ll be doing their own laundry as well. They’re 6&7 and have been helping me with various laundry things for the last two years.
Amazing to think your eldest actually believed it was YOUR job. *snicker* / *shaking my head*
Miss Ash’s last blog post..Selfish
I am saving this for when I have a teenager.
This is fabulous!
terena’s last blog post..Goodbye Hug Bear
AMAZING!
I’d love to send this to my brother, since he tortures our mother similarly.
Veronica’s last blog post..Excuse me, Bitch??
Oh my goodness!!!! Hahahaha!! This is priceless.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts’s last blog post..Oh Boy My Weekend….
To prove what a good guy I am.
I’m NOT making the obvious joke here.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Rear view mirrors
Apparently I’m lazy too. According to my 17 year old son.
I’m saving this letter to show him the next time he feels hard done by. Thanks.
Frogdancer’s last blog post..Living with Evan4.
Awesome. I accidentally puy my husband’s prescription sunglasses through the washing machine AND dryer because he never goes through his pockets before dumping them in the hamper. Perhaps this is a handy household hint for you to try?
MrsDesperate’s last blog post..Our night at the museum
Oh yeah, she should be happy you did her laundry. Mom doing the laundry was a luxury I was no afforded once we had a washer & dryer in house. Let her ass wash her own damn clothes if she’s going to take it for granted. She’ll either learn to appreciate or learn to wash her own shit.
Kimberlee’s last blog post..Interview with Book Author: Claudia Hall Christian
Heh! Kelley, I see you’re back on the horse! This reminds me of one I did called “Dear child of my loins”. You said it girl!
Krissa’s last blog post..Henrietta’s night in hell… at 74 degrees.
Don’t worry, this stage only lasts a little while until the offspring learns to launder their own clothes but it feels likes a century!
Jayne’s last blog post..June is sixteen going on seventeen…
“Sorry – Can’t hear you”
Works for me…
Sammi’s last blog post..Seriously?
I’m voting you President For Life of the Mother’s Rights Association. We will publish many learned dissertations as above. And get funding. And? pass LAWS.
Nan’s last blog post..Angst and the Suspicious Parent
OMG Not only am I still PMSL, but the hubby also thought that was great, thanks for the laugh…and your awesome letter writing skills!
Joyce’s last blog post..Weekend Cooking
Excellent! Please tell me that you really delivered this letter to Eldest Child.
Dingo’s last blog post..Take This Oreo And Shove It
That’s it? I would have been in the washer spinning around with said article of clothing had I even alluded to something like that. Of course, my mom was always on the hunt looking for any excuse to smack me senseless. Apparently my dad pissed her off quite a bit. I had to go to three years of counseling when I got older to clear all those violent memories. The electric shock treatments didn’t work. Meds and primal scream helped a little. One thing I really missed while wearing a straightjacket was picking my nose. I’m sorry, where were we…
Audubon Ron’s last blog post..Did I Ever Mention the Story of How My Mom and Dad Made the News?
I’m not very good at laundry. No matter how well I check, there’s always a kleenex in a pocket.
HereInFranklin’s last blog post..The things I’ll miss…the things I won’t
LOL
BEST LETTER EVER!!!
LOL
UrbanVox’s last blog post..Who’s afraid of chages?!?!
May I copy and paste this onto all of my teenagers’ bedroom doors?
Pleeeeeze
tiff’s last blog post..Micromanage or bust.
MUAHAHAHAHAHA: Kelley, please adopt me. If my mother handled me like that when I was a teenager (i.e. socked me a glass of shut the eff up every once in a while) at most I probably would look over my late teens with less horror, at best I would be a damn sight better at laundry.
estelle’s last blog post..Dinky DIY’s Guide to Pirates
Will you write one of these from me to my husband?
Bows down in awe of you … once again.
cajunvegan’s last blog post..I Believe in Witches (WW 82)
Perfect!
Kel’s last blog post..Manic Monday
Have printed to give to my eldest next week when she pulls it on me for not washing her favourite jumper.
What, I can give that to a 5 year old can’t I?
Kin’s last blog post..Everything and nothing
Awesome. That’s all I can say.
Meg’s last blog post..Economic crisis
That? That right there? That was fucking awesome!
Thank you.
Mad Woman’s last blog post..Random Tuesday
Please tell me we can print this out and use it as needed – (with full citation to your good self of course).
I have exactly 29 days until oldest princess is 18……
I love it ..yes letter of the year for ‘Teenager’ Mom of the year.
I want to post a copy everywhere for my teen to see.
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