I have been quiet of late. Shit, lets be honest, I have been quiet since my little ‘incident’ back in March.
I see my blog rankings plummet and I am all fuck it all another fucking thing to add to the list of fucking fuckups that this fuckknuckle of a year has thrown my way. Whine whine whine.
Every little thing is pissing me off. I find myself raising my fist at the heavens and screaming ‘Oh COME ON! What NOW? Seriously what the fuck do you want from me?’
This morning was no different. Last night I fell asleep in my chair. I have never EVER done that before. I took the day off yesterday after getting dizzier and lightheaded more and more over the last week. I lay there in the dark this morning wondering what the day was going to throw at me, knowing that I was going to have to take the goddamn day off work AGAIN today and then face the stares and whispers at work again on Monday. They saw me deteriorating earlier in the week, and then there was the very loud questioning about why I walk down the stairs so funny and did I hurt my hip? Oh, that’s right you hurt your BRAIN so is THAT why you are limping down the stairs! And I sat there and took it and tried to fight back the anger tears and the urge to jump out of my chair and wrap my hands around her insensitive fucking neck.
So I got out of bed and did the bare minimum that was required to get the kids off to school and not have people running screaming if they were unfortunate enough to run into me in the process. After dropping the girls off at the train station and almost getting into TWO car accidents with fuckers that obviously only have a licence to drive the Wiggles car, I found a strange car in the driveway and two tradies in the yard fixing the back door.
Without prior warning.
Boo lost. his. fucking. shit.
Cue shaking fist at the skies.
Once he was calmed down and shipped off to school I returned home with the intention of curling up on the lounge and trying to slow the fuck down so my head would stop spinning,
To sit on my comfortable lounge. Turn the heat up. Wrap myself in a blanket. Maybe make myself something to eat.
In my home. A home my children will return to, have dinner and then get into their nice warm beds.
I got up and made myself some toast and put on some socks and realised how fucking lucky I really am.
I have been focusing on the negative. The things that are going wrong, when the right is staring me in the face.
I am truly lucky. I have everything I need. I have wonderful people in my life. People that call or email just to see how I am doing or just to say ‘hey’, people who send me stuff in the mail just to make me smile, like Girl Scout Cookies, or Matzo Ball Soup or amazing photos that I admired on their blog or a silly book that made me giggle like a loon.
I have amazing guest posters that have dropped everything and come to my aid, writing amazing posts to keep my blog ticking over. I still have MORE! OMG I love these people.
I have a workplace that allows me to take time off without the threat of losing my job, free medical care (or heavily subsidised) and medications that are literally saving my life.
I have internet access, a phone, a nice warm shower whenever I want.
I have everything. And I need to fucking appreciate that fact.
I am grateful.
Right now, at this moment I am mostly grateful for skim milk in a bottle. Cause I don’t have to go out and squeeze some cows lactation devices so I can have a latte. And I don’t know which kind of cow produces the skim milk, and knowing my luck I would go and get one of those strawberry milk cows and strawberry milk just RUINS a latte.
So what are you grateful for today?