I broke a nail because the ratfucksonofabitch back door is broken.
The backdoor is broken because the universe hates me.
I know the universe hates me cause my blog has been down for 2 days.
My blog has been down for two days because my hosts hoster or somethingorother had a hissy fit and broke everything.
Everything was broken because I have ants in my keyboard.
I have ants in my keyboard cause they are the tool of the devil.
The devil is a tool.
I needed a tool today cause people are stupid and it takes 45 people and a committee to lower my desk at work, when I can just do that shit with a screwdriver and a spiked heel.
My desk needs to be lowered cause I had an OH&S assessment of my desk because apparently people that have a stroke and Marburg Sports Injuries cannot do their work properly without some consultant who charges $400 per half hour coming and raising their chair so high that their feet hang in the air and they have to climb into their chair and do a jiggly little dance and if they don’t like climbing into their chair and doing a jiggly little dance they have to email 45 people and the committee to ask WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL WITH HAVING TO CLIMB INTO MY FUCKING CHAIR AND DOING A LITTLE DANCE AND HAVE MY FEET HANGING IN THE AIR? and they email back saying that the $400 per half hour consultant must come back and tell them that my feet should be on the ground. So I just swapped desks with the guy across from me who is 6ft5 and cannot fit his legs under his desk and they are all ‘you can’t do that without consulting with the consultant and the committee’ and I am all ‘watch me biatches, don’t make me go all strokey on your arses’ and that shut them up.
Cause people are scared of biatches that go all strokey on their arses.
But their arses are not as big as mine cause fuck me dead if I haven’t packed on the weight lately.
I have packed on the weight lately because I did what the doctor said and been watching what I am eating and started exercising on the other tool of the devil – also known as thatfuckingtreadmillbastard – and trying to get some sleep and stressing about everything that is going on in my life and what the fuck isn’t stress supposed to make you all nervy and burn extra calories and shit but then again my mother did take me to her doctor to get me some pills to take the edge off and then I was following Chags Nameless Twitter Show trying to think of any other song than ‘Stacy’s Mom’ for the show about songs with mom in them and this song came up (fuck you youtube not allowing embedding of the song making my biatches click over cause you know they won’t and they will not know the awesomeness of the Rolling Stones and I would have totally had me some of Mick Jagger, but only when he was young before his lips went all freaky and not full and lush and OMG stop thinking about it Kelley *fans herself*)
and I laughed like a fucking loon and put it on loop while I took my little yellow pill and then didn’t feel anything anymore and was all ‘that song just isn’t so funny now and where is the cheese?’ and now I know why I look like I am about to give birth to triplets from my thighs…
Damn you cheese. Why do you have this hold over me?
And then I tried to open the backdoor and broke another nail so now I am thinking about shaving my head like Britney did. Which reminds me, I need a new umbrella.
{ 30 comments }
Hey!! At least you sound like the regular biatch who writes in here! It’s funny how when the doc tells you to take time out and relax that you do it then stress out about the weight you put on! It’s their secret weapon to keep you going back to them for yet another different kind of pill to make you more lively while you’re relaxed, so you will exercise and then you need an anti-inflammatory because your muscles are all inflamed from the unaccustomed exercise and then you have to rest and then…
Kay/Grumba/Murf’s last blog post..Gotta talk about Tassie!
Did you see Shine a Light? Awesome Mick Jagger footage as a youngun…
Sounds like a bitch of a day!
Deidre’s last blog post..Date number 5 – Mr. Slurpee style. Alternate title: Environmental guilt
Whoa, That sounded almost like a nervous breakdown.
Anthony’s last blog post..Find Freelance Editor Jobs and Work from Home
No day can ever be so bad that someone applying wax to my eyebrows and ripping them off won’t make it worse. So what if I look like Sleek the Elite.
I presume one has to start the waxing process with a couple of those Bacardi Bruiser thingies?
Chookie’s last blog post..A Sense of Entitlement
I don’t even know where to start with that….
But I have a really cool umbrella that like has a air flap to allow fresh air in while you’re under it so you don’t get all hot and sweaty. You should totally get one of those!
Oh My God – I am SO in love with you. Can I come to Australia and be your sex slave?
I love OH&S people. Did I mention our Library has to throw out 14% of the collection because the top shelf is too high?
Want cheese now.
(And .. welcome back, Awesome!)
spotrick’s last blog post..Late
Don’t hate on the $400/hour consultants. After taxes we really only get to keep about $200/hour.
Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..Protecting My Endless Love
If you’re going to go Britney, promise me you’ll keep your drawers on, especially if you have to hike yourself up to your office chair! Ladies like us need to keep some things a mystery!
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)’s last blog post..kick off my sunday shoes
i think you’re a figment of my imagination, or that my alter-ego is writing your blog while i sleeeeeeeep…
pixiemama’s last blog post..wish i may
*snorts* The devil is a tool and cheese is one of his greatest works. I should know, I could park a car on my thighs that have grown to excess cheese consumption. Posts like this are why I love you so very much!
Kelley and Lceel, sitting in a tree. K.i.s.s.i.n.g.
snirk.
Ree’s last blog post..10th Birthday – Past In Polaroids 22
Oh, you totally need more wine and cheese. Shit.
Your breakdowns are actually quite funny
Mick Jagger? Really? I’d sooner wax my whole head, during which I’d make a big pouty face and look just like Mick.
mama mara’s last blog post..More IEPPIES!
just FYI, the hoohah about your desk, that’s what happens when you work for the government.
Everyone else’s bosses are secretly hoping the low chairs will give their staff strokes so they will go away before the creditors turn up and shut the damn place down, crisis style.
totally loved your post. this place suddenly feels normal again.
estelle’s last blog post..DIY Stick It To The Man
I have wild dreams on cheese.
Don’t ditch the cheese, apparently it’s not so bad if you eat an apple with it (Feck knows why)
WiddleShamrock’s last blog post..Musings ~ Resentment
I freakin heart you, you looney biotch!
Mmmmm, Cheese. If I could I would eat a pound a day. However, I like to be able to poop. So I wont be doing that.
Sarah’s last blog post..To whom it may concern.
Chuck the little yellow pill down the friggin’ drain, FFS, you’re feeling too much coz you’re GRIEVING.
How do I know this? Let me count the ways …..Boo, your stroke, your Dad’s vision, your grandparents recently dying, MPS losing his DJ gig, Moo doing VCE, your new job and longer hours and guilt for not doing more for Boo and crap and what the future holds for him.
ENOUGH!
Keep taking the yellow pill and you’re just delaying the inevitable process you need to go through to deal with life.
Grab yourself a BIG block of chocolate and nom on that, not the yellow pill.
Jayne’s last blog post..Friday is Fish Day, get the spuds chipped May 8
Holy Shit Kell. This is getting out there even for you. Ditch the pills. hugs
Mistress B’s last blog post..Who done it?
Ok, I think we need to keep you away from the umbrellas and definitely away from the hair clippers!
Katie’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Thank you so much, now that is going to be in my head for a week. At least.
Karen’s last blog post..I’m Not Having What You Would Call Good Luck With Ordering Online
This post is the written word equivalent of a crazy improvised bebop jazz solo. Take it out there Kel.
Now you just need a jazz nickname. ooh ooh. “Broken Nails”. Yeah.
Jodieodie’s last blog post..Thanks Bill Gates
Some Pills are freaky. I was on some big fat red ones years ago that turned me into a total labotamised zombie. Carazzeee. ;-P Only took them for 2 weeks. I didnt like being a zombie. Loved the Zoloft though
…Now I’m on nothing and have to go through this gut wrenchingly miserable and stressful existance SOBER…except for the occasional vodka with a codeine chaser *snort*. Some-one tell me whats so farking fun about that!
shelly’s last blog post..I HEART DEXTER…
Mmmm cheese…. Wait, what?
(((hugs)))
Baby’s
gotback! Kelley, so good to have your foul-mouthed royalness back on your own blog. No one has a voice like yours. You rawk, biatch.<3 T.
T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..He left me, and it wasn’t a midnight train to Georgia
Bloody committees and consultants. They get paid a gazillion dollars to come in and look at something for a few minutes, then say exactly what we’ve known all along. Hey Deb on the rocks, only $200 after taxes? Gosh that’s harsh. (Yes, my tongue is firmly in my cheek here.)
Anyway, once your desk and chair are properly sorted your job should be easier, yes?
All weight gain can be blamed on any medication. This is because most pills are labelled “take with food” every four hours. That much food is bound to add a pound or three. The gummy bears and chocolate have nothing to do with it. After all, you ate them before and didn’t get fat, right?
That sounds like a wild ride…
Kimberlee’s last blog post..Power Tools and Moving In
Meanwhile…you still have a broken nail?
Jo Anna’s last blog post..THE SAIA AND CHAGO SHOW – EPISODE 6 – THE MOTHER’S DAY SHOW
Is it just me but where exactly does the waxing come into this post? Checked three times as I am having a week like your day this week.
It is about the only thing that didn’t happen to you by the look of it! You are amazingly sane considering all you have been through…angry bitch means sane… otherwise if you had totally lost it you would just be snivelling in the corner and Kelley does not do snivelling.
Looks like you better kill those ants one by one…you could take your frustrations out on them!!
magikquilter’s last blog post..So Close and Yet So Far
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