I broke a nail because the ratfucksonofabitch back door is broken.
The backdoor is broken because the universe hates me.
I know the universe hates me cause my blog has been down for 2 days.
My blog has been down for two days because my hosts hoster or somethingorother had a hissy fit and broke everything.
Everything was broken because I have ants in my keyboard.
I have ants in my keyboard cause they are the tool of the devil.
The devil is a tool.
I needed a tool today cause people are stupid and it takes 45 people and a committee to lower my desk at work, when I can just do that shit with a screwdriver and a spiked heel.
My desk needs to be lowered cause I had an OH&S assessment of my desk because apparently people that have a stroke and Marburg Sports Injuries cannot do their work properly without some consultant who charges $400 per half hour coming and raising their chair so high that their feet hang in the air and they have to climb into their chair and do a jiggly little dance and if they don’t like climbing into their chair and doing a jiggly little dance they have to email 45 people and the committee to ask WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL WITH HAVING TO CLIMB INTO MY FUCKING CHAIR AND DOING A LITTLE DANCE AND HAVE MY FEET HANGING IN THE AIR? and they email back saying that the $400 per half hour consultant must come back and tell them that my feet should be on the ground. So I just swapped desks with the guy across from me who is 6ft5 and cannot fit his legs under his desk and they are all ‘you can’t do that without consulting with the consultant and the committee’ and I am all ‘watch me biatches, don’t make me go all strokey on your arses’ and that shut them up.
Cause people are scared of biatches that go all strokey on their arses.
But their arses are not as big as mine cause fuck me dead if I haven’t packed on the weight lately.
I have packed on the weight lately because I did what the doctor said and been watching what I am eating and started exercising on the other tool of the devil – also known as thatfuckingtreadmillbastard – and trying to get some sleep and stressing about everything that is going on in my life and what the fuck isn’t stress supposed to make you all nervy and burn extra calories and shit but then again my mother did take me to her doctor to get me some pills to take the edge off and then I was following Chags Nameless Twitter Show trying to think of any other song than ‘Stacy’s Mom’ for the show about songs with mom in them and this song came up (fuck you youtube not allowing embedding of the song making my biatches click over cause you know they won’t and they will not know the awesomeness of the Rolling Stones and I would have totally had me some of Mick Jagger, but only when he was young before his lips went all freaky and not full and lush and OMG stop thinking about it Kelley *fans herself*)
and I laughed like a fucking loon and put it on loop while I took my little yellow pill and then didn’t feel anything anymore and was all ‘that song just isn’t so funny now and where is the cheese?’ and now I know why I look like I am about to give birth to triplets from my thighs…
Damn you cheese. Why do you have this hold over me?
And then I tried to open the backdoor and broke another nail so now I am thinking about shaving my head like Britney did. Which reminds me, I need a new umbrella.