So you have all been waiting with baited breath (OMG that is so funny! It is like a play on words that only I will get cause only I knew where I was, oh and my family, and my credit card provider. Those bastards knew EXACTLY where I was) to find out where on earth my awesomeness was.
I was going to be all ‘Only Aussie entrants biatches’ but I hate it when you US chicks pull that shit and get me all excited about winning something and then I have to pull the disappointment face that goes with the disappointment noise that is kinda like ‘pwoar’ and MPS is all ‘oh shit, what have I done NOW?’
Even when he is not home.
He has dog hearing.
But not when it comes to babies crying or the washing machine finishing or Boo covering the walls in toothpaste at 2am.
Where was I? Oh yeah, where was I!
Some of you may remember our little foray into the world of ‘family holidays’, well we upped the anti and went somewhere HOURS away from our home.
TO THE BEACH BIATCHES!
Lakes Entrance to be exact. (not Summer Bay as I told BoxBoy and got him all in a lather. I am such a bitch. And he is so damn gullible) We stayed HERE
For two whole nights.
It was a little cold to go to the actual beach, but we were in the general vicinity.
We did family things, and had family dinners, and fought like a sonofabitch had incredible bonding time…
and next time I am totally going on my own.
I kid. I kid. A little.
The highlight of the trip for Too was going out for breakfast. She lost her fucking MIND over a full breakfast of sausage, egg, bacon, tomato, mushroom and thick toast. Poor deprived child has never been out for breakfast before. Probably because she is a lazy biatch and won’t get out of bed in time to go something we should do more often.
Moo loved going to a fancy schmantzy restaurant on a boat that was on water that was from the ocean and had to cross a fucking BRIDGE over the fucking water that was from the fucking ocean and there were fucking BOATS mooring at the side of the fucking restaurant, boats that have been on the fucking ocean and people stepping off said boats that had been on the OCEAN, the OCEAN people… breathe breathe.
Come to think of it, I think Moo enjoyed freaking her mother out more than anything. The mother that is terrified of the OCEAN and bridges across the OCEAN and BOATS and restaurants that are on boats on the ocean that serve fucking BUGS and PRAWNS with their heads still on and are looking at you all ‘why Kelley why? Why must I be murdered?’
See those trees in the distance – don’t look at the ocean, OMG the OCEAN PEOPLE!! Full of sharks and fucking house sized octopuses and Crocodile Hunter murdering bastards with SPEARS – Lakes Entrance has a little kinda river thing, but don’t be fooled it is fucking DEEP and full of sharks and fish with murderous intentions, and then over that sand barry tree filled thing is Ninety Mile Beach. So called cause it is like Ninety Miles long. Apparently. But we don’t do that old fashioned American measurement shit so it could be like 4 kilometres for all I know.
Anyway, I told Boo that it was Rumania. And he was all ‘I don’t wanna go to Rumania!’ and I was all ‘well eat your lunch and we won’t send you to live with the Rumanian’s… Hey look! There is a Rumanian! Hello Rumanian person, would you like to eat a little boy?’
And that shut him up and I could drink the only half decent latte in the whole of Lakes Entrance
WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE? This is supposed to be a resort town and they cannot make a fucking latte to save themselves, seriously before this the best coffee I had was at McDonalds drive thru. *shudder*
but it came back to bite me in the arse cause then we couldn’t go to the actual beach cause Boo was terrified of the Rumanians salting him up and chucking him on the BBQ.
I have no idea where he gets these ideas from.
The highlight for Boo was feeding the seagulls. The kid nearly took off with his flapping of excitement and his squeals of rapture could be heard from space. I hope there are no Rumanians on the International Space Station. Cause it would suck being in the middle of space and get a hankering for BBQ.
My heart almost exploded out of my chest with the cuteness.
My favouritist part was the broadband internet.
I kid, I kid. A little.
This is probably why MPS and I vowed to next time get a fucking babysitter and go by ourselves. To somewhere where we don’t have to share a bed with a sleepless child with a penchant for watching Futurama over and over again and pushing his nappy clad arse up my left nostril. Oh and Damn Emos Damn Emoing all over the place.
So that is where we were. I tried to add a poll thing but it didn’t work and I went to the poll thing forums and they were all ‘you need to unplug all your thingies and change your theme and then try again’ and I was all ‘day-um I don’t have time for shit like that can’t I just say I had a stroke and someone will do it for me? Oh, that doesn’t work on the internetz cause I am talking to a dude with no arms or legs who is moving the mouse with his mind, has dyslexia and a nut allergy? Never mind…’ and I backed out quietly.
Good thing I told them that my blog was Dooce.com. I am so clever.
So anyway, I couldn’t choose a winner. Cause some of you were right, some were living in fantasy land like BoxBoy and thought I was in Summer Bay and some were just fucking funny. I managed to whittle it down to these eight for you to vote on.
No darts were involved. Or bribing (no bribing! Bitches should know that I can be bought)
A. Purgatory. ~ Mellissa D
B. Nuthouse? … hm no white walls, eh. Well, random guess is the beach. ~ Estelle (first right answer!)
C. Oh no, wait a mo, you aren’t sitting behind a window looking out onto Amsterdam’s fine red light district are you? ~ Womb for improvement (Holy Shit this cracked me up!)
D. Church? Haaaaahahahaha. I dunno why I find that so funny. But I do. ~ Karly (because I would be like that movie Dogma, everything would cease to exist)
E. You have moved in with MOTY! I win, admit it! ~ Goaldeebug (this made me LOL and then get a cold scared feeling all over…)
F. You know we belong together… ~ XBox4NappyRash (only because it creeped me out until I realised it was a Summer Bay reference and then I was all bwaaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaa sucka!)
G. …Where did we find Pinocchio? According to the experts at Shrek 3, he was last seen far far away. No. Far too obvious… He did appear earlier in Shrek – in the swamp…. ~ JodieOdie (cause day-um that was a freaky long comment and we ate pizza from a restaurant called Pinocchio’s! And that is AWESOME!)
H. Summer Bay? or Cadburys! Wherever you are I hope it’s awesome ~ Myst (had to give Myst this one…)
So my lovelies, in the comments vote for your favourite answer. One vote per person.
Unicorns and puppies can vote multiple times.