… for it to finally hit me what Boo having Autism meant.
It took 3 years to cycle through the grief process to arrive at acceptance. With every new milestone reached or missed I cycle through again.
But at least I don’t get stuck in fix it mode.
Right now I think I have reached the next stage, the stage after fix it mode, whatever that is in my own personal grieving process, after the you know.
Just saying the word seems so foreign. So unbelievable. So wrong.
I am so angry. I am so sad. I want my family around me and I want them to leave me alone.
I forgot casual clothes day at school today, sending Boo in his uniform, and when I realised I broke down in the playground.
When I finished my coffee yesterday, fat hot tears streamed down my face with the realisation that there was no more and I couldn’t make any cause of my ratfucksonofabitch arm.
When I got home yesterday from doing a small grocery shop with a scowl on my face, I found my mother here. I ranted and raved and screamed and raged at the world for no apparent reason. As I was screaming I was shocked at the power of my rage.
In quiet times I go over that day in my head. The day before my birthday. Out shopping for a present wearing a sling, running into an acquaintance also wearing a sling. We laughed and traded war stories.
I have told the story a million times, to a million different people wearing white coats or blue nurses uniforms or shocked friends and family. In monotone. Like I am relaying a movie I saw. Except it is in the first person.
I was talking and all of a sudden I went blind in my right eye. I don’t know if it was black or white, I was too busy concentrating on trying to blink it away and focus my left eye. And speak. Cause the words were just not coming. I could see them in my minds eye, but could not form the words. I remember her saying something like ‘you don’t look good’ and I think I nodded and replied with ‘I need to sit down’
Or it could have been ‘cucumbers give me heartburn’ or ‘waw waaaaw waaaa’ but I know that I made sense when I ordered a latte and cheesecake at the adjoining food court cause maybe I had low blood sugar or something.
After 10 minutes or so my sight returned, my coffee was finished and I continued with my shopping. I went to many stores and bought pretty much anything that took my fancy (which is unlike me)
a diamond and peridot ring.
and then went home. About 7 hours later I got a headache. A mild pressure headache.
That is it.
If it wasn’t for MPS’s insistence that I see a doctor or at least call Nurse on Call (a telephone service here where you can, well, call a Nurse 24 hours a day) I would never have gone to a doctor. I would have just carried a snack in my bag with me in case I got that low blood sugar thing again.
I could be dead. I should have called an ambulance. Instead I went shopping for furniture.
So at 11.30pm we went to the local hospital.
to be continued…
{ 45 comments }
babe. We’re with you, in as much as that is possible, all things considered!
You know, you would be a very strange person if this did’t throw you out emotionally, so don’t go getting all meta stressed will you? We love you magneto!
oooooo, shiny!
Honey, thank the Gods for MPS, thats all I can say!
GoaldeeBug’s last blog post..Avenue Q
oooooo, shiny!
Honey, thank the Gods for MPS, thats all I can say!
Oh, and is that pic burry, or am I having a ‘you know’ as well?
GoaldeeBug’s last blog post..Avenue Q
well, it is a shiny thing, how lucky for you to have an MPS that pushed you to get it checked
sending lots of healing thoughts your way, sad that this means no sexy shoes for a while, but keep up your posts babe, you are full of teh Awsomeness!!
xxx you know where I am if you need me xxx
Karen (Miscellaneous Mum)’s last blog post..Adam’s Birthday Cake
It’s times like these that I wish I weren’t halfway across the world. I’m so sorry this happened to you but I agree with the others who said thank God for MPS. Much love and hugs for you, and I truly mean that. XOXO
Lynn (Walking With Scissors)’s last blog post..How the heck did THAT happen?
Glad you posted this, feel it is good to get things off your chest in your awesomeness manner! It is you, and that is why I read here regularly.
Sending you lot of positive energy to you across the globe!
Post when you can and have the energy, I am here when you are
So freaking scary…. but such an important story to tell.. for you and for everyone else reading.
katef’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – The Haircut edition.
Fuck me gently(I’m old). Do the medical geniuses connect the ratfucksonofabitch arm problem with the stroke in any way?
Because I’m suspicious.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Grace the Ateth
Of course you have to go through the process. Hopefully sharing it will help you go through it a little faster.
Give MPS a kiss for us, okay? When you decide you want him around again that is.
Ree’s last blog post..Days of Future Passed
eeeek
MPS is worth bottling for insisting you take care of yourself and see a doctor
Mistress B’s last blog post..Amusing myself
Was the buying anything that took your fancy a result of the stroke? No, I’m really serious. Is that sometimes a side effect or something? I mean, would you have bought that ring and gone on a shopping binge otherwise?
Dingo’s last blog post..How ’Bout ’Dem Apples!
That is so scary. Be kind to yourself. It’s a hell of alot to go through.
shelly’s last blog post..CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY I DYED MY FUCKING HAIR?…WELL?
Wow. And ((hugs))
Veronica’s last blog post..Dirty Nappies and Cheese
Interesting…I saw my Nanna have a Transient Ischaemic attack (TIA) once, it was a little bit like what you describe.
She glazed over and starting parroting “Somethings gone wrong, somethings gone wrong” – that was about all she could say, and was all disoriented. She was 82 at the time. We got her to a GP across the road and he sent her to the tertiary hospital straight away, where she recovered within 3 hours, but it was pretty strange to see her like that. It must have been REALLY weird in the first person.
I’ll be interested to hear the rest of the story. Hugs. Go easy on yourself, oh human, frail one (even if you are teh awesome)
Laura’s last blog post..Asking the question
What witchpoo said!
mama mara’s last blog post..Freaky Friday? Try Freaky Everyday!
I’m gonnae get mushy because you deserve it. I am very glad you are ok, I am glad you have a husband with foresight. I am so very glad it wasn’t worse. Take care of yourself. You are very much loved.
Well, the good news is… when you’re out of your head shopping you still have great taste.
Yeah. OK, there’s a good deal more good news than that. A LOT MORE.
But after a while you’re probably going to get tired of everyone who feels badly for you and cares about you telling you how fortunate you are. No matter how much you know it.
Krissa’s last blog post..Not toooo random…just varied.
Oh my Lord, lady. Scary, scary. We are so glad he made you go to the doctor!
Rachael’s last blog post..When Did This Happen?
“..should have called an ambulance”. Well, yeah, you can say that now, but at the time, how were you to know? Don’t beat yourself up over that little detail. And like someone else said, thank god for MPS insisting on the phone call that led to the hospital. Did you have to return the ring and other stuff you bought when you weren’t yourself?
One day at a time, babe. And meanwhile, remember you have many friends who are glad you are still with us. As they Americans would say, “we’re rooting for you”.
spotrick’s last blog post..Thoughts on interest rates
Just wondering who Spotrick is “rooting for you”… I’m here for you, too- I have had a friend who had a stroke at 38, when I was working as a lecturer- she was a lecturer in language teaching. The stroke DID change her slightly, but she did the same job and had the same life afterwards as before- except for the smokes! Her little stroke came on like a migraine, so she decided to drive home and rest. Realised halfway round a roundabout that she didn’t know where she was- stopped for about an hour (!!), then found her way home. Her husband met her and couldn’t understand what she was saying- so off in an ambo. She was just slightly weaker on the left side, but came back to work after 6 weeks and seemed normal to us. She DID talk more, was more open emotionally and occasionally made up words, but she didn’t notice! She went on to lecture for many more years, the students still found her OK and she NEVER smoked again (was a really light social smoker like you, previously). Apparently all the howling and wussy behaviour is a natural brain depression as the chemicals sort themselves out and will go away. SO hang in there, try to relax more, go for walks- no excuses and let MPS do more of the Boo stuff! I hope the Golden Boy is OK again, also and that Too is having a not-too-fraught time of it- delicate little Emo!
Kay/Murf/Grumba’s last blog post..Floundering
Go easy on yourself and I’ll try to go easy on myself and then we can BOTH get better!
God, Kelley. That must have been so scary.
tiff’s last blog post..RAK.
Scary.
I know we don’t get what we deserve, for better or worse, but if I could have wished a wish for your life, it so would not have been a stroke.
However. There is always the fact that people often make good life altering changes on the back of health problems, that they might not have otherwise done.
Jo’s last blog post..funny men
Fark, fark, fark. Have dealt (in a clinical way) with people recovering from stroke (at varying ends of the spectrum) but I have never had anyone describe the actual experience so vividly.
With you here reading, honey,
x
Ali’s last blog post..“I don’t care”
Thank God for MPS! And for you being persuaded to see someone about it!
Chookie’s last blog post..Recognising Autumn
I think it is truly fascinating to read your story. And you may save others by letting them know.
I would probably think little of it as well. Low blood sugar, or too much time on the elliptical.
Kylie’s last blog post..So That’s Why!
Ahmygoodness. Damn!
Audubon Ron’s last blog post..Just When We Think We Have It Hard
Its probably little consolation but I’m sure everything will work out fine in the end.
BMWmotorcycle’s last blog post..Late February/March Pictures
I gots nothing. Keep going.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Someone’s been sleeping in my bed
The waiting sucks. How ’bout you post the next part RIGHT NOW!
Darls, you’re still going through the grief process but now it’s for your circumstances, not Boo.
(((hugs)))
Jayne’s last blog post..I’ve got a lovely trivial bunch of history coconuts, see them all March standing in a 27 row…
I haven’t commented before, but I’m glad for this story. Strokes in someone so young are not something I have thought about before. I’m 35 and my gynecologist won’t put me on birth control because of the risk of stroke (I apparently have other health conditions that put me at higher risk.) I didn’t think much about it but your story is causing me to take it more seriously and it’s been helpful to have your first person account so I can be watchful of some of the symptoms.
And I agree with other commenters. Don’t be so hard on yourself. And it’s right that often things like this cause one to make positive health changes. Your story is helping me think for the first time of changes I can make now, so thanks for putting it out there.
This is so fucking scary. I am beyond grateful that you are OK. And that you did go to the Dr.
For serious.
Huge effing hugs(but not to tight, cause I dont wanna break you)
What a clear description…do you realize how amazingly intact your brain is darlin?? I have no doubt you are in fine hands with MPS…
You are doing us all a great service telling your story Kelley, thank you.
hotmamamia’s last blog post..Here it is; edited for your gratification and time; drum roll please…what’s on your mind?
Give MPS a big hug from me.
Smart man (you don’t have to tell him that bit if you think it will swell his head).
Amanda’s last blog post..Damn thing was obviously on a suicide mission (WARNING – GRAPHIC MAY OFFEND)
How scary. I’m glad you’re okay now. All I can say is wow. If it helps or matters at all, my thoughts are with you.
megan’s last blog post..mad money, funny money
I Love MPS. I’m glad you listened to him.
Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..Heads And An Arm Are Gonna Roll!
My heart dropped reading about your ordeal. Thank heavens for MPS.
On the edge of my seat to hear more.
Can you jump right to the good parts? Did you live or die?
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]’s last blog post..The creatures on my face
I am surprised no one has asked – did you find the furniture you were looking for? Seriously though, it is not surprising that you are grieving right now. It sounds as if you are going through the various stages all at once, the rage, the tears – Lets hope this means you will be able to get it out of the way quickly
I certainly hope so. It is a good sign in one way – your energy levels must be returning – before you would have been too weary to feel like this.
Angie – wish I could have come up with a comment like yours
Sueblimely’s last blog post..Best Thunderbird Addins To Save Time
Wow, you really went through a lot. It’s such a good thing to share though, what if someone is having those same symptoms and decides to google them… “shopped like a mofo, have headache, eye went out, talking nonsense”…. Then they’ll get your story and know to call an ambulance!
Glad you did. Thanks, MPS.
Nan’s last blog post..YIKES!
Sheesh Kelley! I don’t read for a while and this happens.
Sending you my love, take care of you
xxxx
A
Thank goodness for MPS. He’s a sensible chap. Love the shiny thing – maybe you could consider a career as a personal shopper. There might be less pancreas inserting to be done.
Barbara’s last blog post..91/365 – Feeling Better
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