… for it to finally hit me what Boo having Autism meant.
It took 3 years to cycle through the grief process to arrive at acceptance. With every new milestone reached or missed I cycle through again.
But at least I don’t get stuck in fix it mode.
Right now I think I have reached the next stage, the stage after fix it mode, whatever that is in my own personal grieving process, after the you know.
Just saying the word seems so foreign. So unbelievable. So wrong.
I am so angry. I am so sad. I want my family around me and I want them to leave me alone.
I forgot casual clothes day at school today, sending Boo in his uniform, and when I realised I broke down in the playground.
When I finished my coffee yesterday, fat hot tears streamed down my face with the realisation that there was no more and I couldn’t make any cause of my ratfucksonofabitch arm.
When I got home yesterday from doing a small grocery shop with a scowl on my face, I found my mother here. I ranted and raved and screamed and raged at the world for no apparent reason. As I was screaming I was shocked at the power of my rage.
In quiet times I go over that day in my head. The day before my birthday. Out shopping for a present wearing a sling, running into an acquaintance also wearing a sling. We laughed and traded war stories.
I have told the story a million times, to a million different people wearing white coats or blue nurses uniforms or shocked friends and family. In monotone. Like I am relaying a movie I saw. Except it is in the first person.
I was talking and all of a sudden I went blind in my right eye. I don’t know if it was black or white, I was too busy concentrating on trying to blink it away and focus my left eye. And speak. Cause the words were just not coming. I could see them in my minds eye, but could not form the words. I remember her saying something like ‘you don’t look good’ and I think I nodded and replied with ‘I need to sit down’
Or it could have been ‘cucumbers give me heartburn’ or ‘waw waaaaw waaaa’ but I know that I made sense when I ordered a latte and cheesecake at the adjoining food court cause maybe I had low blood sugar or something.
After 10 minutes or so my sight returned, my coffee was finished and I continued with my shopping. I went to many stores and bought pretty much anything that took my fancy (which is unlike me)
a diamond and peridot ring.
and then went home. About 7 hours later I got a headache. A mild pressure headache.
That is it.
If it wasn’t for MPS’s insistence that I see a doctor or at least call Nurse on Call (a telephone service here where you can, well, call a Nurse 24 hours a day) I would never have gone to a doctor. I would have just carried a snack in my bag with me in case I got that low blood sugar thing again.
I could be dead. I should have called an ambulance. Instead I went shopping for furniture.
So at 11.30pm we went to the local hospital.
to be continued…