So I went back to the doctors today.
Not to see Natasha, darlink, cause she is in witness protection jail not in this week. My Twitter bitches know all about that with my constant twitters ending in #ratfucksonofabitch. I saw someone new. Who didn’t resemble a cartoon character or former president.
But his name was a deli meat. So there is that.
He was all ‘Hi, how are you’
And I was all ‘fine and dandy thanks fuck-knuckle‘
And then he looked at my file and got this look on his face. Kinda like the look I had in the waiting room when I saw this woman wander out with her pants split up the crotch. A mixture of horror and sympathy.
Which is not a good thing to see on the face of a doctor who is apparently a mental health specialist too.
You would think that Lady Ga Ga would be singing his theme song, right?
‘So, have you seen the surgeon yet?’
‘Nope. Natasha Darlink was supposed to call to hurry him the fuck up. Cause HELLO??? See this swollen fucking appendage? I am pretty sure that it is impossible to gain weight in one arm yo.’
Or words to that effect.
He calls the surgeon. And, I am totally not shitting you, he is all ‘I have Kelley here and she is in excruciating pain and needs to be seen ASAP’
And he totally said Ay Sap. Which bugs the ever living shit out of me, but I will give him a pass cause the dude called the surgeon and gave me more drugs.
For free.
Apparently these particular drugs are not actually used for my particular injury, they are using them off label, and they are not on the PBS. So if I was to buy them they would cost me an arm and a leg.
Which is sorta a mute point cause if I gave them an arm and a leg I would be totally handing over the fucked up arm and the leg with the most cellulite and this weird fucking vein thing that apparently no one other than me can see, which I am convinced is probably an alien implant. And I wouldn’t need their stinking drugs.
But I may need a chair. Or to learn how to hop without giggling or without spilling my latte.
After the seeing the doctor I went and got a coffee and half a dozen chocolate chip hot crossed (or is it just cross? And while I am on the tangent, are they supposed to look like the cross? You know the one that they nailed dudes to? These buns had an X on them and if they were nailing dudes to crosses like that, one stiff breeze and that shit would roll down the hill and the dude would be all ‘whoa! Knarly dude’ and people would be paying money to go on that thrill ride donchathink? Yeah, me too) buns and came home to watch the whole of season 3 or 4 of The Hills.
It is OK though, the calories consumed from the thrill ride buns were cancelled out with the weight of the brain cells I lost watching Heidi sit in front of a mirror putting on lip gloss and Whitney take 45 minutes to string a sentence together.
My arse is numb from all the sitting.
I wonder if this post makes any sense at all.
Yes, I did have a nap in the middle of it.
Holy mother of God my house is a mess.
No outfit looks good with a sling.
And before I face plant the pillow I am sending MPS out to hire me some DVD’s, any suggestions? What about online shows? Help me peeps, I am losing my freaking mind here.
Or it could be the alien implant.
{ 52 comments }
I broke my wrist last year and I know every outfit does look like crap in a sling! If you want some good DVD’s to watch try and get ‘Love My Way’. Has Claudia Karvan and a whole lot of other great Aussie actors in it. I just adored the whole series.
Sowing The Seeds’s last blog post..Pink Ivy Leaf Geranium
Get some expensive silk in a kickass pattern and make a sling out of that. It could even match your shoes.
Feel better kiddo. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.
Robin’s last blog post..Salt and Pepper, Tagine-Style
I’m watching Farscape on DVD, if you like muppets and SciFi it is worth a watch
I have a teen working her way through Buffy at the moment if that recommendation helps……………
Mistress B’s last blog post..Sackcloth and Ashes
turn the bun around till ya get a cross!.lol..p.s, your whacked off your head on drugs awesome!!
I wish I was as funny as you when I’m on drugs. Instead I’m just sort of sad and quiet.
So drugs wouldn’t help me.
What were we talking about?
Kylie’s last blog post..Facebook: Tool of the Devil or Awesome?
Boondock Saints, Day Watch, Night Watch, Bad Taste, Black Sheep,Mad Max 1 & 2 (skip 3 it’s the ugly little brother no one admits to liking), Circuitry Man 1(not 2, it’s dreadful)Curse of the ‘49er (so bad you’ll cheer the gratuitous bloodshed).
Jayne’s last blog post..When Thursday General Talks Trivial History February 26 You Better Listen To Him
Something to watch: Life On Mars (the british version because the american version — big surprise — pales in comparison.) It’s kind of weird and should go nicely with the drugs.
Outfits that may go well with a sling: spy-themed outfit. Because doesn’t Daniel Craig look nice when he’s all hurt & slightly vulnerable? Plus it would give the mental health specialist an opportunity to put his training to use.
You sound eerily like me when I’m on my Percocet.
I recommend Veronica Mars and Faulty Towers. Two completely different ways to go, I know, but the first two that came to mind.
Hope you feel your arse soon!
Umm, yeah.
J’s last blog post..No, I really do like that in my vagina.
I’m gong with alien implant, but that’s just me.
Auudubon Ron’s last blog post..Am I the Same Blogger?
oh shit, the new season of the hills kicks off next month so that means we can start downloading again – yay.
Also, did you see the vid on the net of dumbass audrina’s house being broken into? Oh and the new season preview thingy shows Lauren and Heidi making friends… and Spencer punching his sisters fella – madness. I can’t wait! I do hope Lauren doesn’t give in with the whole Heidi thing though – she’s a bag… and Spencer is a bollock!
I’m watching Ghost Whisperer now too – having to download it though because apparently only Americans can see shit early.
Also, Eli Stone (kind of a rip-off of ally mcbeal but it’s good) and NCIS – fan-fuckin-tastic!
NB – too much drugs will make you grow testicles – eugh!
Glad you got that all taken care of and such. For online shows, I’d totally recommend stuff like: Grey’s Anatomy, House, Desp Housewives, Life On Mars, Lost, The Fringe and all that jazz. Most of those are on Abc.com. For free. Yeh, um. We don’t have cable.
Ashley’s last blog post..30 Weeks Pregnant, You Say?
Your doctor’s name is Bologna?
I was once going to write a post about “ay-sap” vs “A S A P”. I can’t believe anyone says “ay-sap”, but yes, I’ve heard it spoken aloud.
magpie’s last blog post..Snow
I may have snorted a little at crucification victims rolling down a hill on a windy day. Oh who am I kidding, there was a full blown guffaw!
I hope the surgeon can fix you up soon!
Good old Doctor Pepperoni, always sorts out his patients with mind numbing drugs.
womb for improvement’s last blog post..Respeck ma authority! (uh-thawr-i-tayh)
Wow, I take a break from the rest of the world and come back to find you talking surgery??? WTF happened and why do I feel strangely guilty for missing whatever it was? Have you seen the American commercial of the Mom in the supermarket with her arm in a sling and everyone asking her what happened and she makes up a different sports injury every time till she gets to another Mom in a sling and they both say “Hard water stains?” and giggle? That shit ain’t funny at all but roller coaster pastries are! Hope you feel better soon!
O’Neal’s last blog post..Two Year Olds,Titties &Tears
Can’t feel your arse?
Time to give hubby the treat of a lifetime methinks…
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Empty boxes
Boxboy said:
“Can’t feel your arse?
Time to give hubby the treat of a lifetime methinks…”
*sniggers* Now we know why Boxboy isn’t hitting the target. The Irish have no sense of direction.
anja’s last blog post..The ‘religious right’ is an oxymoron and a half.
I don’t know what you’d like to watch, but here’s my list:
= Every movie with Heath Ledger in it
= The first 8 episodes of Twin Peaks followed by the final. The rest are crap
= The entire Gilmore Girl series
= The entire House Series
= Then for good measure, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Hercules and any other post 1980 but pre-Pixar Disney animated movie, cos they are awesome to watch while taking pain medication.
Holy Shit! I don’t actually remember hitting publish on this post. I remember ruminating about the whole X on the buns thing…
These drugs fucking ROCK!
*snort*
Now where did my bra go? Freezer?
Aww poor you, no high fives then huh? *hides*
Hmmz, DVDs… HEROES! With you being all fked up on drugs as well you’ll love it.
Mmm, Buffy. And Stargate Atlantis, the man candy, my god! Youtube comedy. It’s gold. Smack the Pony. That Mitchell and Webb Show. Michael McIntyre. Tommy Tiernan. Father Ted.
Hon, what IS wrong with your arm? Do we know yet?
I know you’re drugged up and all, but it’s a moot point, not a mute point! And they’re hot cross buns, and yes, it’s THE cross, they’re Easter buns. You’re probably not supposed to eat them til after Lent.
Hope you get better soon sweedie!
Jo’s last blog post..home again home again
OOo, I forgot Green Wing, it’s genius. And Black Books.
I agree with Robin. A kick-ass silk sling that matches your shoes is the way to go.
And be glad it’s not your ankle or foot ’cause then I’d send you Crocs. Big orange ones. With Jibbitz in them. And I’d laugh evilly.
jen’s last blog post..What price sanity?
The Princess Bride. Stardust. The better Star Wars movies. Errol Flynn as Robin Hood. Pride and Prejudice — go on, you know you want to… The Thunderbirds. Wall-E (it’s my 3yo’s favourite, and one of mine too). Indiana Jones, back before Harrison Ford had the mid-life crisis. All the LOTR movies in order. Send Boo (with small camera strapped to ear) for an extended visit to MOTY…
Chookie’s last blog post..How To Grow Vegetables from Seed: Ingredients
jesus christ! i cannot get past this post title. now I am laughing my ARSE off reading this. very funny. ARSE is one of my top 5 words of all time. good luck!
http://momofboxer.blogspot.com/2009/02/open-letter-dear-school-council.html
raino’s last blog post..Open Letter: Dear School Council
That drugs are doing wonders! You Rock on them anyhow! And, your bra might in the freezer, if not try the fridge crisper?
Hope you get all fixed up real soon!
For Christmas I bought my son the whole series of Sopranos and The Wire.
If these two aren’t your taste, get a whole series of something that intersts you and watch from start to finish.
He also got Lost from a friend who downloaded from start to now, and is loving it.
eileen’s last blog post..Working On A Dream
Sorry you are in pain. Glad you have drugs. Not sure about the arse part. I CAN feel my own arse, and probably need to, as no one else has done it for a while!
dizzy mum’s last blog post..Fancy A Perky Nana?
did you see Dr. Baloney or Dr. Pastrami?
Send drugs.
Ree’s last blog post..Crappe Part 2,382,372
did you see Dr. Baloney or Dr. Pastrami?
Send drugs.
Oh dear. Is it bad if I actually understood what all you said and feel as thought I could probably translate to other earthlings?
I hope the Dr’s pull their shit together and work some miracles on you.
Krissa’s last blog post..Apparently this is boob themed.
Oh..on the DVDs I have to agree the sopranos is awesome and Buffy.[ xpesially while stoned on drugs] Also the aussie series ‘Love my way’ is totally awesome.All 3 series on DVD.
Wow – you can even make your own agony into some funny for us. That takes true dedication and some serious drugs.
Glad you get to keep all your appendages (even the dodgy ones).
As for thing’s *I’d* watch:
Life on Mars (yeah – British version is way better than US one)
Sea Change (makes me laugh every time)
Doctor Who (well I did say it was stuff *I’d* watch)
Pride and Prejudice (assuming replaying the wet shirt scene counts as watching it)
Gilmore Girls (Lorelai is damn funny)
Spicks and Specs
Thank God You’re Here
hmmm maybe something with ninjas …
Monkey Magic (at least I think they are ninjas)
Amanda’s last blog post..Annoying things your inlaws do….
Here’s some of my favourite dvd series:- Buffy, Angel, Farscape, Stargate, Stargate Atlantis, Harsh Realm, The Dresden Files, Dexter, Chuck, Firefly, Dr Who, Eureka, Bones, CSI, Conviction, Crossing Jordan, Life, Torchwood. (Movies? I probably like a lot of stuff you’d hate.) There’s the Serenity movie which goes with the Firefly series, The Peacekeeper War which goes with the Farscape series, The Ark of Truth and Continuum which both follow Stargate.
You need to cover the sling with your Supermum cape.
Woo! Kelley on drugs is even more awesome funny than normal Kelley!
Um … if you have any spare …
spotrick’s last blog post..Meme games
Tell Dr. Bologna-Salami to call me AY-SAP because I’ve got some swollen bits and need drugs, too. Also, I’m TIRED of feeling my ass and will take all the help I can get.
KTHXBAI
Oh, I am sooo glad you did hit publish! Good god, you are funny.
Kel’s last blog post..Chin ups
That must be some goooood shit he gave you.
lceel’s last blog post..The Kid – front to back
Oh! Have you seen the Real Housewives of NYC? It’s like the Hills, but everyone is married and twice as old
Momisodes’s last blog post..Your Love Is Better Than…Caffeine
Lost your mind and gained an implant = sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
As for DVD’s I’d recommend ‘little miss sunshine’ if you’ve not already seen it, but buy it rather than rent it then you won’t get fined for a later return when they rush you off the funny farm.
things can only get better.
Cheers
Maddy’s last blog post..Another fine mess
My surgeon has a first name; it’s O-S-C-A-R, my surgeon has a second name it’s M-A-Y….you get the picture.
If you do have to go under, don’t forget my hellish experience. Two words. BITE. BLOCK.
NukeDad’s last blog post..The Off-Season
OMG you are so awesomely weird.
I will have visions of jesus rolling down the hill yelling “Knarly dude!” for forever.
I think the double drugs are messing with you mind, Kel.
Seriously.
tiff’s last blog post..My daughter’s keeper.
Duuude, the sling fashion thing is definitely a problem. Do you have any awesome scarves that could double as a sling?
Nan’s last blog post..CARNIVAL TUESDAY…. And Real Life Strikes Back!
First time here tonight and you are cracking me up
Midwest Mommy’s last blog post..A Typical Moment
As i lost my mind sometime ago i am of no use!
Hope your feeling better soon.
Casdok’s last blog post..Update
Oh, you saw Dr. Tongue??? I hope he was a hottie…at the very least he DID call that surgeon and made progress in that department!
You need to laugh honey….these are the movies I watch when I need to laugh….
Airplane; Hot Shots; Hot SHots part Deux; Space Balls; Big; Sister Act; (if you can laugh at Jewish humor- The Frisco Kid); Jewel of the Nile; Young Frankenstein; High Anxiety; any Pink Panthers; Meatballs
You will not feel your pain after a day of watching these cause your face will hurt from laughing and that is the best medicine of all!
Feel better, babe…designer sling is in the wings for ya!
hotmamamia’s last blog post..Wedding update
You do realize that now that you have a sling, you totally need to frump up the rest of your wardrobe, right? Like by adding on some Crocs? I couldn’t help it. I had to say it.
trannyhead’s last blog post..It’s Not You, It’s Me
I’m so sorry about the arm…I hope the surgeon gets going ASAP.
Try watching Nip/Tuck…When I was sick last year I did a marathon of 4 seasons in like 3 days.
P.S. This post was HILARIOUS!
Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..Just Ignore Those Subliminal Messages
The Wire. Televisual crack. If you start watching it be prepared to zone out and finish all 5 seasons. I hate cop shows, and i hate to describe it as one but this is genuis.
Ermmmm what else tv/streaming wise?
The IT crowd
The Mighty Boosh(will go really well with drugs!)
United States of Tara
Arrested Development
Green Of Eye’s last blog post..Vena Cava
The Wire. Televisual crack. If you start watching it be prepared to zone out and finish all 5 seasons. I hate cop shows, and i hate to describe it as one but this is genius.
Ermmmm what else tv/streaming wise?
The IT crowd
The Mighty Boosh(will go really well with drugs!)
United States of Tara
Arrested Development
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