So I came home from work all happy like to be leaving the damn office behind for a THREE DAY BREAK cause it is a PUBLIC HOLIDAY WEEKEND in Australia for AUSTRALIA DAY!
And I was all W00T and Yee-haw and this is so freaking awesome and I am totally gunna sleep in every single day and eat nothing but fruit and lettuce and be so healthy while I am sleeping all weekend and I might even put down that awesome rug that I got to cover the shit stains all over the carpet and seeing I am going to be eating fruit and lettuce all weekend I can totally have a whole thin crust pizza for dinner with a side of 2 bottles of awesome wine, one red one white, cause I can’t choose which one I like better and anyway white goes with the cheese and red with the sauce and I am all about wine going with the food in the way that is deemed appropriate in my head.
And then I came home and was slapped upside the head with reality. Reality being Boo in a mood and yelling and yelling and screaming and screaming and OMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL? Smells like burning plastic and it is coming from his arse and then I remembered that he ate my phone charger and my belt.
And why oh why wont he eat vegetables but prefers to nomm on stuff that doesn’t flush, and then I remembered that he was eating soap yesterday and I was all AWESOME cause that will give the little bastard a good clean out AND clean the toilet and that is one less thing that I need to do this weekend.
And I totally high fived myself.
And Boo was all ‘why are you high fiving yourself again Mummy?’ like I do it all the damn time or something.
And then my BFF called and was all ‘WTF bitch? What have you been smoking?’ and I was all ‘What?’ and then she told me that Tuesday was in fact NOT her birthday and I had called FOUR TIMES to wish her Happy Birthday and was all ‘where the fuck are you scrubber?’ when I left messages and had emailed myself at work, at home and made MPS put a reminder in his phone so I wouldn’t forget to call her like I did a couple of years ago, and she was all ‘It is January you nutjob’ and I was all ‘oh.’
And you KNOW I will totally forget her birthday on FEBRUARY (or as I like to call it the month after January cause you all know how much I hate spelling February) 19. Remind me biatches? Cause it is the best day of the year. Cause then I am the youngest AND the awesomest.
And that makes me smile.
Now where is my damn pizza.
This huge brain dumpy run on sentence post brought to you by the prospect of a 3 day weekend when in reality I will be woken up early, be fucking cranky the whole damn time and cursing myself for eating that pizza. And the wine thats name escapes me cause I had to hide it and drink it out of a coffee mug lest the Damn Emos spot me and be all ‘can we have a taste’ or ‘are you getting drunk’ or ‘ewwwwww put your bra back on Mum!’
Oh and where did all the subscribers go? Over one hundred of you decided to leave in one hit? Fuckers. We don’t care about them do we? come back We are all awesome without them come back We don’t need them come back Cause we are awesome in our own little cliquey cult, right? come back.
And now my damn stalker will email me and be all ‘the post is tooooo loooooong and you need to change your background colour… and what are you wearing?’
*falls into a dead faint*