Boo doesn’t want a Birthday Cake.
Those of you that have known me for a while will know I am all about the birthday cake. And just in the last week I have discovered fondant.
And my heart sang. Cause dude, that shit is GLUTEN FREE and MILK FREE and fuck me dead has no artificial shit in it.
Who knew?
All these years I have been struggling with your basic icing shit, piping and smoothing, decorating cakes that have taken me MONTHS (OK, hours) to make when I could have just rolled out that shit and cut it? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
Next… fuck THIS week, is mammoth birthday week. Starting with my Daddy on Thursday, Moo on Sunday and Boo on Monday. And I had all the cakes planned baby.
Dad tells me he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday this year (the whole dead father thing, whose birthday is… oh FUCK, the same day as Boo’s party. Shoot me.) but Godammit I already had his cake planned.
OK. I can deal. *sob*
Then Moo is all ‘I don’t want to spend my birthday with you freakshows, I am going to a concert in the city and BTW I need you to drive me to the train station at 6am Sunday morning’
What? No waking you up with Marilyn Monroe’s version of Happy Birthday? No special breakfast? WHAT? No fucking CAKE!!!
*rock rock rock*
I was sitting on the couch with my Boo, trying to explain that he cannot grow shorter and no, the Jews are not partial to Christmas trees, and dude, I don’t know how to say hot dog in Hebrew, when he announced he didn’t want a birthday cake.
I was all ‘WTF?’ and threw a million ideas his way. All his favourite things in cake form. Hell, even cupcakes dude. Just let me stay up all night making you a freaking cake! Pleeeeeeeeeease!
Nope.
Boo does not care for the Happy Birthday song. To say that is an understatement. Just the sight of a group of people surrounding a cake with candles sends him into a tail spin. We leave birthday parties before cake. I mean it is not as if he can eat the fucker anyway…
Let me paint a scene of how much Boo despises the off key celebration of the birthday recipient. Too’s birthday party. 20 odd kids, half of which had not met the awesomeness that is Boo. They start singing. Too has a look of utter terror on her face. Boo comes flying into the room hysterically screaming, making a bee line to destroy the cake that is causing the singing. I tackle him to the ground while he screams and punches and kicks and fucking BITES me.
*crickets*
‘Just finish the song for Gods sake’ I mutter through clenched teeth while taking a punch to the eye for the cause.
Cause, dammit, he doesn’t like the song but you don’t even wanna KNOW what would happen if you didn’t finish the fucking thing.
So the group of terrified tweens finish the song and slink outside. Too with her face burning comes over where Boo is starting to calm down. I start to apologise to her. She leans over and whispers to Boo…
‘Are you OK mate?’ and gave him a hug.
And my heart swelled with pride and pain. Much worse than any freaking kidney punch could do. But dammit I was sore for a couple of days.
So, yeah, no Birthday song. But we always have cake! Pappa’s cake on the 23rd. Home party cake on 26th and 27th and then bigger cakes the following weekends for their parties.
But no-one wants a cake now. And I have all this fondant. And piping guns and mats and cutters and new cake pans and OMG it is so NOT FAIR!
*sob*
I am gunna make myself a damn cake. And it will be fucking awesome.
Pity I don’t like cake.
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Me! Me! Me!
I want a cake.
I want a cake that says I am TEH AWESOME! Because I am
Fondant huh? Where do I find me some of this amazing stuffs?
Well I’m doing a cake for MIML™s birthday on Thursday and it is going to be the geekiest chocolate fudge cake you have ever seen. And it will rock and all the psychiatrists and social workers and psych nurses and that that come to his party (at my place) will be able to analyse me for weeks because his age will be in binary and I suspect a whole lot of them will wonder how I could believe he is 100011.
I’m making a birthday cake this week, too. I have no idea how to deal with fondant, so it’s buttercream all the way.
I’ll gain at least 5 pounds just licking the icing off my fingers while decorating it.
You can make me a cake anytime.
Or my niece, because seriously, the child freaking LOVES cake. At her little friends party she tripped and fell face first into one. Everyone was all “Awww poor baby” but she was like “Wha? I’ve never been happier in my life!” (Or she would have been if she could say that at 1.) Srsly. She didn’t cry or anything, just started licking bits of cake off her face with a mahoosive grin.
So yeah… I bet your cakes are just TEH awesomeness.
You can make me one
)
I like chocolate and carrot best (not together, though…)
It could be a Hello Kitty cake!
Aww shit. I’m another over the top birthday-caker, fondant and all, so I’m feeling your pain like a physical wound.
There are a lot of things Maya doesn’t like / won’t eat, but thank heavens cake isn’t one of them. She spent literally months pouring over my cake books before finally deciding on that pink princess cake (be still my girlie heart).
If he doesn’t want the cake would he accept fondant sculptures? Same thing, just without the cakey bits? Does he like tactile play – things like playdough? Because once it’s kneaded fondant can be rolled around and played with like playdough – he could even “write” on a sheet of it with a stylus-type stick. Might help him feel more comfortable with the idea.
PS “Naknikiya”. Hot dog in Hebrew is naknikiya.
PPS If you do find your cake victim, err, recipient – fondant sticks on MUCH better with a layer of buttercream underneath to hold it on. The buttercream can also serve as “glue” to stick on cut out shapes and other decorations.
Hey you can send it to me – I have the same birthday as Boo – I could tell he was an awesome guy!
And… I’m really crap at making birthday cakes so it would be really appreciated.
I do the cakey thing every birthday but mine always manage to look kinda shit so I’m pretty sure that my older kids will start refusing cakes soon too. I get satisfaction from making them though so I reckon you should just go for it. Make a cake to die for and then let them all come begging for cake once they see how AMAZING it is!
Make them cakes anyway. Kiddie cakes. Take them up to school. Borrow some ugg boots for the cause and embarrass the shit out of them for daring to deny you the joy you get out of making cakes.
What? No, since you ask, I’ve never done anything like that to my kids.
Girl you totally cracked my shit up yet again! Personally, I am all about the cake making too, but would hyperventilate even *thinking* I had THAT MANY consecutive cakes to make!!! But that’s why you rock and I aspire to be a mere pebble in the light of your existence
.
I too found fondant this year and had the entire actual Barbie doll goes in the top of the cake & the cake is her sparkling floral art with miniature hand made fondant Spongebob’s on the trim dress all planned out, along with $130 worth of fondant and related supplies UNTIL hubby announces 2 nights before that he WILL NOT eat fondant! (<–Look! THe world’s longest run on sentence! LOL) Not even that new whipped icing everyone is using. Especially not *that* kind. Of course not, he will ONLY eat the home made icing made with confectioner’s sugar & shortening. But it wasn’t even his damn cake!
It was Pink’s 2nd birthday and I was NOT about what it taste like, I was impressing the 40+ friends & family members from the original baby shower list! I’ll have to dig up a pic of it (I had WAY more pics of the cake than the birthday girl heehee!), you would be so proud!!!! I had to look away as she dug her greasy lil hands into the front of it destroying Barbie’s gown! Maybe you could dye Barbie’s hair to match Too’s and add a little eyeliner..that would be awesome!
Do you think the cake would stay fresh if you mailed it to Colorado?
I made birthday cupcakes for my students because two of them have birthdays over the break. They thought I was completely nuts. And only one of the birthday recipients said “Thank you!”
Anyway, I went with the whole buttercream and sprinkles thing ’cause I’m not that great with the decorating. Fondant sounds awesome though. Must get some.
I may try Boo’s tatic for my 40th birthday party.. kicking and biting sounds like the way to go for me.. tell ‘em thanks for the idea.
$42 to ship the cake to me.
Do it, and no one will get hurt.
Fondant scares me. My 13 year old wanted a severed arm cake for his party last Friday and he wanted us to use fondant.
And my 15 year old hasn’t wanted a cake in years. She doesn’t like cake either, so we do brownies instead. I still try to decorate it like a cake though!
I am totally all about birthday cakes. Whether they want one or not, THEY.GET. A. CAKE. PERIOD. And, I insist that we go to restaurants on birthdays so that the waiters all come over and sing (off key of course as they all do) for the birthday celebrant…MUST embarrass the shit out of them…YES! I sulk for a whole year if I don’t get MY FRICKIN CAKE on my birthday!!!
I’m not gonna ask you to mail me a cake….no, no, no…. you can make it for me in person when I come Down Under
Mmmmm. Cake. Actually, why don’t you just cover yourself with icing and mail yourself to me. o.k. Forget the icing. Just you. With no icing. Or anything. Yeah. We could celebrate Thanksgiving or something.
I say make a cake anyway and tell Boo that you just felt like it.
The way boo feels about ‘Happy Birthday’ I feel the same about anything by Bono.
Oh my goodness. I can totally relate.
My son went through a stage of being terrified of the happy birthday song. He would start screaming and crying. I THINK it was the flames on the cake that terrified him, but we never figured it out exactly. He got over that, but new fears crop up all the time.
Last night he asked me if we could skip trick or treating. I said fine and was actually relieved. I didn’t want to deal with the whole find-a-costume-thing. He told me he’s scared of kids in scary costumes. So then he said he also wants to skip passing out candy as well. I’m fine with it, but it seems weird to me.
It’s like one year he loves something and is all excited and the next year he wants nothing to do with it.
Make yourself a big fucking cake, and decorate it because it was your GIVING BIRTH DAY, and you are entitled to celebrate that any way you want to. And if they says “I didn’t want a cake” then all you have to say is “It ain”t your cake, it’s mine.”
Just tell them it’s a late one for my birthday. But since I live in the states, you’ll just have to eat it there…with no birthday song of course. Just a little off-tune whistling.
1] Fill icing gun with fondant.
2] Point gun at mouth.
3] Pull trigger/squeeze bag/whatever.
Instant party (in your mouth).
[Just writing that makes me feel dirty.]
My birthday is next Monday and I want a cake.
Who in their right mind doesn’t want a cake?
Oh, that’s some serious disdain for the birthday song. LOL. It’ll be okay though Kelley…there will be other birthday cakes.
I’d love to know how to work with fondant.
Last year my daughter started a trend of cookie cakes. Just not the same!
My birthday is next month but I’m turning 40. I don’t want to celebrate 40. BLAH.
I swear we could be long lost cousins or something!
I have no idea how I ever landed on your site, but I’ve been visiting without comment for a couple of months. Just wanted to say “hi,” and “i think i (heart) you” and “your writing is hilarious” and other sappy chick stuff.
oh. and I don’t like cake either, but after reading the word cake 150 times in your post, I’m suddenly thinking “cake.”
I’ll take a cake, please. ESPECIALLY with rolled fondant – they’re so damn pretty.
Oh my heart breaks for you. I can see the singing Happy Birthday scene clearly as we have so many similar scenes here.
I’m sure his bar mitzvah will go more smoothly cakewise – there are just a few awkward years before they become little men
I say go the fondant, make the unbirthday cake and sing Yom Holedet Sameach til you lose your voice.
Just make the damn cakes anyhow…………if you make them they will eat!
Ignore everyone else and just make ME a cake… A chocolate frog cake, with sparkly tadpoles and a miss Piggy off to the side just in case you feel like doing the whole Kermit thing… But I don’t like green icing so you would have to be a bit tricky there.. Well maybe i could like green icing if it was peppermint flavoured..
Yum a choc peppermint frog cake… thanks heaps Kel.
Well that’s one of the many joys of sugarpaste. You can just make the decoration without the cake. You don’t even have to eat it as it will harden like cement and ‘live’ forever as a permanent decoration to celebrate the event.
Works for us anyway.
Cheers
Oh man, that sucks! I feel your pain. It IS all about the cake!
If it helps you any I love to eat cake! Think it would travel to the US?
I think you should start my cake now. Birthday is May 6th. I don’t like cake either, but I imaging that you could make me a vintage 1965 Mustang. RED. Convertible – with an actual working convertible top. Just stick some kind of automatic battery-powered thingie in there.
See the things I do for you woman?
Hey! I’ve got a wonderful idea… Seems my eldest shares your Pappa’s b-day. I suck at baking and haven’t a clue what fondant is (although it sounds heavenly!)… see where this is goin’??? Wonder how long it’d take to get from ‘down undah’???
(oh, how I’ve missed my daily fix here… I’m baaaack and will try very, very hard to be a better reader. damn life – gets in the way, ya know?!?!?!?) xxx
No cake?!?!
Dude, make it anyway. If you roll out the fondant, they will come.
So forget the cakes and just eat the fondant. But dip it in melted chocolate first.
NO CAKE wanted, you say??? …and you say that you have allergy-friendly fondant that Boo can eat???
Hmmmm….
Maybe he’d go for a big bit of decorated fondant with No Song-Provoking Candles anywhere near it. (After all, its the lit candle that provokes the singing at most birthdays).
… and YOU ROCK for even considering making so many cakes in such a short space of time …. speaking as the person who always got half a birthday cake (always minus the bit we’d eaten 2 nights previously at my Dad’s birthday), having one’s own birthday cake is fabulous and Your Dad, Moo and Boo just don’t know how good they’ve got it.
What the hell? No one wants a cake? Are they CRAZY!? I want a cake… every day.
How could they NOT WANT CAKE??? They can’t really be serious… can they? Turning down cake should be a crime.
On a side note… send me some cake!
Damn it, Kelley, make an October Unbirthday Cake, a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party cake, a Melbourne Cup Day cake, an OMG It’s Only 5 Days Til Xmas and I Haven’t Bought Any Pressies Cake.
Then get as high as a kite on your fondue stuff and paint the kitchen with your piping guns
Good for you. Make your cake. And, um, eat it too.
This brought back an excellent memory of South Park, when Cartman states that once he hears the first line of ‘I’m Sailing Away’ he HAS to finish it.
You know the one I mean? Can’t find a damn link to it though. Tsk. Typical.
How about making a Roulade? It’s not exactly a cake? Everybody loves Roulade. Or is it Parfait? Shut up, donkey.
My birthday is this weekend. Send me a fondant cake!
You know what the best stuff is?? That Icing that looks like Marzipan but tastes like chocolate!! I had it on my wedding cake, pity the marriage wasn’t as good as my double fudgy mudcake. Fuck that cake was nice. You can make me a cake. I always appreciate cake.
FOr the love of God! Seriously? After I hear via Plurk for ages how you are rocking the fondant. How dare those brats you birthed. Spawn! And, damn did I giggle out loud at the thought of hot dog in Hebrew. Hee hee. I think you need to go straight to Festivus and air the grievances. You have a few you could scream out.
I can have some of it!!!:)
hehehehe
But you can’t turn another year older if you don’t have a birthday cake !!!!
It’s true !!!
Threaten the suckers. Eat cake and like it or there will be baby pictures shown to boyfriend – the sitting on the potty one or the snot caked face. For young master Boo, leave a note on his door. Eat cake, love cake or there will be “Happy Birthday” on high rotation played into your little ears.
It’s your time, Kelley. Birthdays aren’t for the children. It’s for the mummy to remember why they allowed themselves to get knocked up and have aliens claw their way out their cooter. Torture the kiddies. You know you want to.
We all like cake over here. You can send it our way
You could be sneaky – use something that he does like and create shapes out of them to make a “cake”. My youngest was the same and although I do not normally bake I would enjoy making weird and wonderful birthday cake creations. I got round it by using donuts which he did like – its amazing what you can do with them – stand them up, stack them – you can make all sorts of things.
He also hated the whole birthday cake experience when younger – his reaction was to throw up. After he did it all over the cake one year, although we would go through the donut cake making process he was not actually present for the blowing out candles bit for a couple of years. Then I decided to give him a get out. We talked about it before and agreed that we would do the cake close to his brothers bedroom (which is off the family room). This way he could make a quick escape anytime he wanted. After this he managed to tolerate staying for the cake.
I can SO relate. I wrote about my son’s “rules” here: http://jodireimer.blogspot.com/2007/01/happy-bird-day.html
Hang in there! …..and Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you….and I’m not going to finish… LOL
i plan on linking to you just as soon as i figure out how. you test the powers of my pelvic floor like no one else.
Nip on over to Jessica at ‘oh the joys’ to pick up your award dearie.
Cheers
NO CAKE?!?!? I would surely die. I feel like that the whole premise behind celebrating birthdays is… CAKE. Well, I have a problem with cake anyways. I eat it ALL if it’s in the house, even in the middle of the fucking night, so maybe it would be a good thing if someone hated cake in my house. But no, sadly we are driven to achieve bigger and better with each birthday. My daughter turns one tomorrow…And (omg) cake is freakin’ da BOMB. Here we come holiday poundage. Fiercely comin’ at ya!
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