I woke this morning at the God awful hour of FIVE AM to get one of the Damn Emo friends, N* ready to be picked up. After another loooooong sleepless night with Boo.
This would be like day 3, or 5, or four hundred thousand, I don’t freaking know, I am not even sure my clothes are on the right way out. (I totally wrote wrong way out and then contemplated for a full minute before realising what I actually meant) So I am a little teeny weeny bit delirious.
The first thing to greet me when I got up at the God awful hour of FIVE AM was a massive mutant spider in the dining room. I hightailed it to MPS, blissfully sleeping in Boo’s room (Boo was in our bed. With the DVD going all night AND all the lights on) and punched him in the balls gently woke him to demand request that he murder the infidel get rid of the spider while 6ft N and I cowered in the loungeroom.
Unfortunately there was a slight hiccup. MPS in his well rested wisdom decided to use my bath scrubber on a stick thingy to annihilate get rid of said intruder. My bath scrubber on a stick thingy is curved on the inside. Not conducive to squishing to a pulp spider removal.
I poked my head around the corner to find MPS wandering around the kitchen, dining AND family room looking under things. I was all ‘what are you doing?’ and he was all ‘nothing’ and that is when it dawned on me that the fucker had LOST the spider.
Apparently he got it. Apparently he was carrying it outside. Apparently when he got to the door the spider was MISSING. I freaked the fuck out and he went Back. To. Bed.
Oh. Yes. He. Did.
So needless to say I have spent the whole day in terror. Jumping when I see light move across the floor. Avoiding the family room where the spider mysteriously disappeared. Imagining it hiding and plotting and Oh My Fucking God laying eggs. Millions of eggs to hatch and over throw the house and spin me into a huge web while I sleep and it laughs manically at me.
*hyperventilating*
My terror of this particular species of spider stems back from my childhood. I have killed red back spiders (poisonous) and white tails (flesh eating bites that do not heal) with my bare hands. Once killing a redback that was in Moo’s bassinet. But this spider the, huntsman spider, scares the living shit out of me.
Literally.
Pass the Depends.
And a mop.
And the air freshener. Better still, perhaps you should leave for a while. Take that fucking spider with you…
Anyway. My childhood. Trauma. Trauma by spider with a vendetta.
We were on holidays. I was six or seven. We rented out a beach house in Rye, Victoria with my Auntie and cousin. The oldies wanted us to go to bed early because we were going to the Rosebud Carnival the next day. NOW I know it was just cause they wanted to drink and dance to ABBA and the Bee Gees and shit.
I felt a ‘presence’ in the room. There was something watching me. I called my mother. She told me to go back to sleep.
Minutes passed.
I called my mother. She came in, rather freaking annoyed and told me to go to sleep.
Minutes passed.
By now I was rather hysterical, so she came in to shut me up so I wouldn’t wake the Golden Child to see what was wrong and she turned on the light.
Above my bed, inches from my head was a huge spider. Like in that movie. But this was HUGE and BLACK and ALL EYES and LEGS and OMG does anyone have a paper bag?
*deep breaths*
She sent me out of the room and when I came in she assured me she killed it, so I went back to bed and slept fitfully. Only to wake in the morning to see two spider legs on the floor near the door.
‘Don’t worry Kel’ my Daddy soothed ‘He will be halfway to Sydney by now!’
We went to the Carnival. It was awesome. I went on the Pirate Ship for the first time and loved every second while my Auntie vomited over the side. We ate carnival food and scored a shit load of showbags. Back when showbags were NOT like a down payment for a house in price.
Back at the beach house I was sitting with my back to the door, playing with my loot, thinking I was the luckiest girl on earth. Until I looked up and saw the look of utter horror on the faces of my parents and Auntie…
I turned to see a spider behind me, reared up to strike.
It only had six legs.
Now excuse me while I go and vomit after re-telling that tale.
While I am heaving up my lovely dinner of Tikka Marsala, Basmati Rice and Naan (no broccoli this time Mr Lady, just for you) tell me your story.
What scared the living shit out of you and scarred you for life cause your mother is freaking LIAR as a child that still scares the bejebus out of you today? I could do a who series on mine…
*N’s father is my Coffee Bitch. The same Coffee Bitch who holds my future at work in his girly man hands. Through my sleep deprived eyes I spied a smirk on his face. All day I have been obsessing wondering what that meant.
{ 59 comments }
Last night when I took the dogs out, I was greeted by a HUGE spider hanging from the eaves right in front of my front door. Luckily I had some cardboard for recycling next to the door, so I, er, relocated the spider. But then I wanted to throw up. Blech. I also use the vacuum cleaner to suck up spiders in the house. Then I can’t approach the vacuum for a while after that. Gack.
Oh, but you asked what has scarred me for life. Well…wasps. I got stung on the foot once as a kid while washing the car, and I stay the hell away from wasps and don’t walk barefoot in the grass now. It was especially nice a couple of years ago when I discovered a wasp in my house (on the inside of the bedroom window screen). After that episode, my sister told me she’d seen the wasp fly upstairs earlier. WTF? And she didn’t tell me and/or help me kill it?? Super nice.
Wow. The way you told that story freaked me the fuck out.
And I’m not even afraid of spiders.
I used to have this nightmare, for years and years, about a GIANT lady. I could never figure it out, but it was always the same and I was terrified. I mentioned it to my Aunt when I was in my 20’s and she told me this story:
When we first moved to the States I was about a year old. My parents decided to take a trip across the United States to figure out where they should settle (they decided on Houston, go figure). Apparently we saw the Statue of Liberty up close and personal and I was terrified. As a one year old. When I described my nightmare to my Aunt, she said I was describing the Statue of Liberty.
Pretty odd huh? But after she told me what it was I never had the nightmare again.
People who keep tarantulas freak me out. When I was in the Marines, we were sleeping outdoors on a training mission in Southern California and one of our guys woke up with the side of his face swollen as large as the rest of his head. He’s been bitten by a tarantula – which we found, a while later, nonchalantly strolling across our campground. He didn’t make it.
The tarantula didn’t make it. The guy was okay after a few days. Tarantula bites aren’t usually fatal.
Those spiders are massive (in a sort of cool way for me since we don’t have them in the states.) I escort most of our beasties outside but those huntsman spiders are wicked fast. We had a Christmas tree one year in which a spider had lovingly deposited her egg sac. We awoke three days after Christmas to a tree covered in gossamer webs and baby spiders. Shoom…out the door with that thing. We still find those damn things in the house years after.
Sorry I have no fears left over from childhood to share though.
oooh – oooh – I’ve got one!
My parents house is next to a pretty wooded area, so I was pretty accustomed to spiders and such in the bathtub. Didn’t love it, but could shoo them away without freaking out. But one night I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, stumbling about as one is wont to do, was ready to sit on the toilet when I felt a little unnerved and turned on the light (THANK GOD!!!!!) There was a RAT in the toilet! Trying to crawl out!!! It must’ve made its way through the sewers or something. Anyway. I’m pretty sure I screamed to wake the dead.
I’m sure it goes without saying that I’ve never since gone to the bathroom without turning the lights on and taking a quick glance at the toilet bowl.
I bet you won’t, either.
This is the same problem I have with grasshoppers. One jumped on my nose when I was in elementary school, and proceeded to have a full on stare down with me, refusing to jump the hell off my nose despite my screams and flailing about the playground. I hate those green bastards, and still take a wide berth around them when they’re out hoping around.
When I was 12 I stepped on a yellow jackets nest. They swarmed out and I got stung about 60 times on my legs. My legs swelled up huge, and I had to get shots which made me sleep for three days. I have been terrified of all bees since then. Luckily, I have not been stung again.
I am also afraid of spiders, any and all of them, no matter what size they are. I once went to a laundromat to wash my clothes because there was a huge spider in front of my washing machine.
And, my daughter is also afraid of spiders. She used to live in an attic apartment. She went out one day and left the windows open. when she came home, she picked up her mail and was busy sorting through it as she walked into the apartment. One of those huge, ugly, black and yellow writing spiders had come in and made a web while she was gone. As she was not paying attention, she walked right into the web. She said she could feel that huge spider on her back, and started screaming and jumping up and down, trying to get her shirt off. The man who lived on the first floor came running up the stairs to rescue her, as he said it sounded like she was being raped! As funny as the story sounded when she told it to me, I did not laugh because I would have been the same way, except that I would have had a heart attack if that had happened to me.
oooh all those comments just freaked me out!!
i had a fear of escalators, and a completely irrational fear of falling and of heights.
the fear of heights is because well, i’m high up and the ground is soooooooooooo far away. the fear of falling is bought on by the fear of heights because i dont want to fall and go splat.
Growing up, my parents had this KISS poster, complete with Gene Simmons’ blood-covered-tongue-protruding-mug … at the BOTTOM OF THE BASEMENT STAIRS!
There was also the ONLY downstairs washroom in the basement. Everytime my little pre-schooler ass had to make #1 or #2, I had to pass this effing poster.
I would get to the bottom stair and literally LEAP ACROSS THE BASEMENT IN ONE BOUND from that stair to the bathroom door. Somehow my kiddie-mindset was that as long as I didn’t set foot in front of the poster, I was safe from Chaim Witz and his disgusting tongue.
There … that’s my fear. Spiders? Meh. I can sooo handle me a spider! In fact, I try to set the spider kind free ‘cuz they eats all the other buggy’s I despise, like ’squitos and gnats.
I freaking HATE haunted houses. When I was about 5 we went to a local amusement park and there is a haunted house. My older cousins took me in and at one point there is this freaky witch that chases you and the WITCH TOUCHED MY FACE! So I am permanently scarred and REFUSE to go into haunted houses. I am even afraid of the one at disneyland. I know.
Oh I hate spiders and clowns too. Mostly because of the movie/book “IT”. For a while I didn’t even like baloons because my dad thought it would be funny to float one downt he stair while a friend and I were watching “IT”. I know. Evil.
Holy fucking shit. I never, ever, EVER should have googled that spider. Not ever. Now I will never in my life be able to visit Australia. Holy crap.
My own fears? Haunted houses (yes, even the cheesy little kid ones where you ride through in a tram) and scary movies. They showed us The Fall of the House of Usher one rainy night at sleepaway camp and to this day I have an irrational fear of being buried alive!
I hate all creepy crawly things but roaches in particular. When I was growing up my mother and I always lived in apartments. I was about 8 and we had a nasty family that lived upstairs. Because of their lack of cleanliness, we ended up with their roaches! I was in bed one night when I felt something on my inner thigh. I jump up and turned on the light and there was like 4 roaches crawling on my inner thighs with one IN my panties!I am pretty sure that would freak any little girl out! I now have a 5 yo Autistic girl who takes great delight in playing with all the wonderfully little creatures! She even has fake ones that look so real that when she leaves them out and I see them I almost have a fucking heart attack! And she thinks it is the funniest thing to see Mommy screaming like a little girl! Damn kids!
I’m with ya girl…
Spiders are the only things in this world that make me act like I should have breasts and a waxed private area.
Scream like a little bitch, I do.
I feel for ya…
“I went on the Pirate Ship for the first time and loved every second while my Auntie vomited over the side. ”
I HATE THAT RIDE.
That’s the traumatic experience of my youth that stays with me today. I will NEVER, EVER ride that ride again.
Now, I must go vomit. thanks babe.
I just googled your spider and now *I* want to puke. So when are you moving out?
Did you hear about the guy who went to some tropical country, and an insect laid some eggs in his head? Or the woman with the blowfly maggot in her forehead? They covered it over with some vaseline, and suffocated it.
My mom has that spider 6th sense thing too.
I’m from the US, and I just googled Huntsman Spider. I am not sure if I am about to vomit, or start crying. I sort of feel like I might cry out of fear and I am not even in Australia. I don’t blame you – I’m not sure what I’d do if seeing a spider like that in my house was an actual possibility.
Well, damn. Now I’m even more afraid of the damn things than I was before – and considering one nearly gave me blood poisoning, that was hard to do.
smooches
My parents (and thus me also) lived in Nigeria, Africa until I was 7yo.
I dealt with scorpions in my shoes, killed a snake before I was out of nappies and all sorts of fun and games. But spiders. :: shudder ::
When we moved back to the Gold Coast we lived on the outer edge of a new suburb. Lots of displaced critters made their way through our backyard and sometimes into our house.
I loath net curtains because as a child that is often the first place you’d notice the huntsman spiders. They loved the damn lacy net curtains. Worst was one the size of a dinner plate, even my non-spider fearing mother refused to go near it and we called in the pest control guys to deal with it.
Next worst would be in the shower on day and a spider egg sack burst. There is me, naked, wet, vulnerable and covered in tiny baby spiders.
Okay I have to go throw up now too.
I am revisiting this one in just a little bit.
Damn Kel, your story is far more harrowing than mine. I didn’t even see the spider. I just woke to a strange stinging on my wrist and when I went to the bathroom to check it out, I found a huge, red, round, welt-like bump on my arm. After pouring peroxide on my wrist, I discovered two more bites: one on my shoulder and another on my leg.
Of course that was a bit freaky, so I spent the next couple hours sleeping on the sofa to avoid the spider that could have still be entangled in my bed covers.
Stupid spider. :/
I remember HUGE huntsmen in the thunderbox (outside loo in a small shack far away from the holiday house )at doyalson (small coastal town) on school holidays when I was a …. and there was no other facilities… shudder a trip at night was horrendous, I feel for you Kelly!!
Ha! Spiders I can cope with. I can even relocate some spiders with my bare hands (freak you out a little, hrrm?) It’s things *without* legs I have issues with.
When I was small (wasn’t walking yet, so definitely under one), I got between a mummy brown snake and some baby brown snakes. MY mummy disposed of said brown snake family and I was left with a lingering fear of snakes. It’s just that in *my* infinite wisdom I have extended this fear to slugs, snails, worms… The unexpected sight of a HOSE coiled in the grass gives me a quiver of anxiety, too! Tragic, huh? I extend an understandable and semi-rational fear WAAAAAY beyond, lol.
I have the spider thing too. I would have to move to a different house. I’m entirely serious.
Stimey would have to move to a different house. I would have to move to a different continent.
I live in the USA’s far north, where the bugs are small and the butts are wide. My biggest fear in childhood was that I would wet my pants in public. This was strictly a winter fear, because it was next to impossible to remove multiple layers of winter clothing in time to use the potty. I can still hear my third-grade classmates roaring with laughter as I ran through the halls, leaving a trail of winterwear and peepee dribbles. Snow pants still give me the heebie-jeebies.
Oh no…. that would have freaked me out too. I would have been all paranoid all day long wondering if it procreated somehow. Eek.
You just reminded me. We brought a caterpillar home from our hike. I have to check it out and make sure the little bugger is still in the pail.
I’m so sorry about the spider freakout. For me its centipedes – here in Hawaii they are venemous and disgusting, and they bite you because they ‘can’, not because they’re defending themselves because we’re always running away from them when we see them! They tend to climb in bed with you while you’re asleep and then bite the bejesus out of you. The sting…omg…BUT…I’m responding because when I was a little girl I too went to the Rosebud Carnival! We lived in New Guinea, but our relatives had a house at Dromana…As I recall Rye was a surf beach? But the carnival…we dreamed about that damn carnival in between visits to Australia…LOVED IT!
NOW I know why you have been avoiding my blog. Here I was thinking that you’d gone off me. How could that happen, I thought to myself. I’m so farkin’ lovable. *smirks*
Can’t understand the spider phobia, myself. They’re fuzzy and velvety and so freakin’ beautiful. When they crawl on your hand you get the most electrifying tingle. Watching them spin their webs is hypnotic.
Kelley, face your fear. Touch the spider! Feel the spider! Love the spider!
Please tell me that you were FUCKING JOKING with that spider hunting your six year old ass down? I am going to have NIGHTMARES. Damn you.
And last week? There was a big spider on the wall behind my bed. I killed him and then I died and then I slept with the lights on that night.
I’m freaking out and I don’t even know what that spider is capable of!
Please know…there are NOOOOOO poisonous spiders in Scotland. There are many in The States. I live IN THE COUNTRY in Montana. They love Montana. I never killed a spider in my life till I came to America — now they all die, deadly or not.
And, we have the guys come out and spray the house with non-toxic spider poison… *shudder*
I hate the convenience of Google. Somethings are better left unknown.
My story? My mom’s shithead boyfriend’s rosehaired tarantula and my 4 year old arm. And then a night at the ER and anaphalactic shock. Spiders and me don’t mix well – or at least haven’t for 23 years.
This wasn’t a childhood scaredy thing, but I AM a very tiny person, OK? Years ago when I was a little university tutor living in a flat by myself (oh and there is ANOTHER scaredy story there concerning men in black leather jackets…), I went away to Europe for the Christmas holidays. I had engaged a lovely male friend to live in my place and look after my cats (he wasn’t any good at it I found when I returned to a catpee-soaked pile of newspapers in the laundry tub…). Anyway, eventually I came back to discover that this young guy I had innocently left in charge of my place was a COCKROACH LOVER!!! He kept pet ones, went out hunting and collecting new ones and EVEN HAS ONE officially NAMED AFTER HIM!! EEEEEEErrrrrggghhh!!!! EVer after I was terrified that his cockroaches had stayed behind and would end up in my bed, so every night I carefully shook out the bedclothes and took everything off the floor and put it on shelves and stuff and went to sleep shuddering. I had to move house.
Slugs. I hate slugs. Ewwww.
I hate mice. To cut a long story short, I had to live in a house once whilst the occupant was on child sex charges (he wasn’t there) and he kept birds… Oh bugger it Think I’ll turn this into a blog post of my own!
Sorry to disappoint you Kelley, nothing in my childhood scared the shit out of me and nothing scares me now. As children my brother and me would wander the paddocks around Port Pirie and play with small snakes we found. Copper coloured things with a black diamond on their heads. My brother even took one or two to school in his pocket and let them loose in the classroom, just to get out of school for the day.
Huntsmans are harmless, they mostly live in trees and eat fruit. They come inside looking for water when it’s really dry outside.
Huntsman spiders – the only good one is a dead one.
Moths. That’s right I have a fear of moths. I am doing better now, but in my younger years the sight of a moth in a room would see me screaming a rather girly scream and running out the door.
I have no idea why I am so terrified of them.
I remember when I was, I dunno 7 or something, and my bedroom was one of those sleepouts (closed in verandahs) and I woke up one morning to find a spider web from wall to wall, ceiling to floor across the foot of my bed. And the mother fucking bider was sitting right in the middle of it.
Of course that horror was nothing compared to when I was 19 and the big-as-my-hand hunstman dropped onto my face while I slept………..*shudder*
oh spiders
A few years ago the boy refused to get in my husband’s car as there was a massive huntsman on the lose in it. ‘Pider!!!
For weeks this went on until we forgot about it and life continued on it’s merry course.
Meanhwile husband went away for work and his car was in the driveway parking my car in! I drove the kids to school in husband’s car, not remembering that there was a ‘pider on the lose in it. Fine. easy.
It was on the way HOME from school that afternoon that the ‘pider came out to scare the crap out of us. The kids screamed from the backseat and I nearly drove off the road! I kid you not. We quickly made it home with hair on the back of our necks up on end, like the huntman’s hairy legs!
You should have seen the next twenty minutes of me with a mop, the ‘pider hiding behind the visor, scurrying under the dash! Couldn’t get the sucker out.
Then it occured to me to get MY car OUT of the driveway so I wouldn’t have to drive the ‘PiderMobile anymore.
It did show up again a number of months later – we named it Giovanni and it lives in the side mirror.
I am very much like you about the giant huntsman. ZOMG!
A clown scarred and scared me as a kid. My aunt and uncle once took my cousins, my sister and I to the circus. Before it started we were sitting in our seats and I turned to my right only to have the crap scared out of me by the damn clown sitting there.
I have never taken my kids to the circus… stupid clowns.
You need chip mittens to kill those things
nnnnGICK! The HUNTSMAN spider is the ugliest dang spider of them all! I’m pretty sure I would have wet my pants in that situation.
I am making a conscious decision NOT to google that puppy to take a look cause I think if I did, then I would never come back to Australia and I’d rather be dead than never visit Australia again….
I hate spiders too but have learned to kill the crap out of them to save my children…hate yellow jackets, I was stung once on the arm and had a bad reaction (we had a nest of 6,000 of them in the wall above our front door a couple years ago…shit you not, 6000 of those fuckers)and they were a mere thin layer of paint away from busting into the house…we were actually on the evening news about it!!!
But what scared the shit out of me the most as a kid…there was this science fiction creepy movie called “Invasion from Mars”…the bastard martians landed in a country field and buried themselves underground under a country road and set up a whole city. Then whenever some poor unsuspecting person crossed over said road, they got sucked into the road (like quicksand) and the matrians would jump on them and drag them to an operating room and put a little lightbulb at the base of the person’s neck and then controled them by martian remote brain control! I COULD NOT step out of my bed anymore ever without feeling the floor to see if it would sink…I COULD NOT walk on an unfamiliar road without being afraid I would sink into the martian lair AND I HAD TO CHECK MY NECK every single morning for years (I think) to make sure there was no little light bulb there…DAMN science fiction movies!!!
This would be the reason my husband won’t take the teacher exchange paperwork and make it a reality…
I’m never going to see your side of the planet.
=(
He is freakin terrified of spiders. Me, after the google photos. I am too.
shudders… thanks a bunch!
I’m going to have nightmares now!
For me, it was frogs. I hated them. They were all over my house growing up- in the grass, streets, walls, and trees. One day I was swimming in a pool (chlorinated) and when I opened my eyes- DEAD FROG in my face. *DIES*
GAH
I hate that I’m scared of spiders.
As I used to say as a teen (living out the back of my parents’ place where they couldn’t hear me scream), I can cope with any spider narrower than my shoe. Bigger freaks me, regardless of logic and rationality.
Oh well. At least I’m not scared of butterflies.
I’ll take a spider over a bat anyday. Bats give me the creeps. Fangs and all….
As far as childhood…the classic clowns, santa claus, people in masks.
I can really relate to the huntsman spider fear Kell, I hate them too! I can handle all the others but Huntsmans are very very scary! A few weeks ago I was driving home with my two kids in the car along a country road near home. It was just twilight when I saw something out of the corner of my right eye. I turned to see a massive huntsman right on my drivers side window!! Well I skidded into the gravel, freaked out, jumped out of the car and wondered what the hell to do! It started trying to escape, ( he knew I was on to him!) Lucky I had me a long handled shovel in the back!!
Poor spider!
Hope Boo is sleeping better!
Does it scare you that the baby is gonna BE a spider for Halloween this year?
Oh my god oh my god. I HATE spiders. And the bigger and darker and hairier, the worse.
I also hate crickets. And it’s cricket season. We get these huge mutant black crickets in our finished basement that look like gigantic spiders…AND THEY HOP. Fucking high, too.
Brrrr.
It’s definitely spiders for me. Spiders and hitch hikers.
Huntmans are freaky and big and we used to get them all the time in the house where I grew up but it’s the funnel web that gets me the most. I had a recurring dream when I was a kid. It was chasing me and I was throwing bricks and anything I could get my hands on on the damn thing but it would just re inflate and keep on running after me. I’ve passed the gift of spider phobia onto Noah (and we squeal like stuck pigs together).
As for the hitch hiker… It was when I was about seven I think there was a string of poeple being murdered after being picked up while hitch hiking. My mother told us the story one day when my brother asked why she never picked a hitch hiker up. My life was never the same again.
I am scared of spiders because my mum is terrified of spiders. When she was about 12 or 13, she put her mouth under the outside tap to get a drink and turned it on and got a mouthful of huntsman. That’ll scar you for life.
Wise Widdle Shamrock say to grasshopper “there is nothing to fear but fear itself.”
Just wanted to let you know that when we came back from our trip yesterday, we found a healthy-sized huntsman in the kitchen. The Geek used the Twig’s Bug Catcher to collect it, and yes, the Bug Catcher was only just big enough. BTW, I think huntsman spiders are really cool, though I still wouldn’t like one walking on me.
spiders and snakes…I usually scream and run the opposite direction
Sent over here by Heinous and OMG! I had the creepy crawlies before I got here but now… now I’m uh-skeered to go to bed!!
Chris’s last blog post..If You’re Nuts, You’re Squirrel Bait
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