What is with people? I mean really. Fuck me dead they irritate me.
When you pass someone in the hall and say ‘Hi how are ya!’ it is meant as a greeting. Not a fucking invitation to dump all your sorry arsed woes on my fabulously shoed self.
Imagine me, at work, fabulously fabulousing.
I get up from my desk, to pop into the photocopy room. I pass idiot-number-1 on my way.
‘Hi, how are ya’ I casually fling in their direction while powering to the photocopy room, a million and one things going through my brain. Cause I am a woman and I can do shit like that.
‘Well…’ starts the fucker and follows me into the photocopy room to offload their issues with someone or something or whatever, I am not freaking listening you idiot. I am photocopying and writing a shopping list and an email in my head, and wondering if I should change a sentence in the document I am writing and admiring my shoes. Your silly little issues do not interest me.
I finally shake idiot-number-1 and get back to my desk. Coffee bitches phone rings. I group pick up, do the ‘corporate approved speil’ and the voice on the other end says ‘Hi Kelley! I was looking for coffee bitch’, I distractedly say ‘Hi idiot-number-2, how are you!’
‘Well….’
Fuck me dead. I spend the next 10 minutes trying to strangle myself with the headset cord and slamming my hand into the desk drawer to dull the pain. Did I mention that idiot-number-2 is my managers manager. Yeah.
I am trying to match each coffee with a glass of water. Cause I am all healthy and shit. So this necessitates numerous trips to the bathroom throughout the day. I walk into the bathroom just as idiot-number-3 is washing her hands.
‘Hi, how are ya!’
‘Well…’
And she proceeds to tell me her woes while I am in the stall…
AND waits till I get out, wash my hands and then follows me to my desk, all the while blabbering on and I am all ‘leave me the fuck alone’ with my eyes and she is all ‘I do not speak eye language’ and keeps going and going and going until I stab her in the head with a letter opener am saved by the phone.
‘Corporate approved speil’
‘Hey girl, how are ya!’ one of my biatches from across the hall replies
‘Well….’
Now I even irritate myself.
{ 53 comments }
how am i? thanks for asking.
i’m actually a little depressed and waaaay overwhelmed cuz i have too much on my plate and …
oh. never mind.
oh.
and FIRST!!!!!!!
You suck Janet.
Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaa
I would like to say how much I like those shoes, except that it might sound freaky and creepy and weird.
I generally will stare blankly at someone after they keep on about whatever crap they’re blathering about until they give me second where I will say ‘Oh I’m sorry I didn’t hear you, you thought that was interesting..’
Then if I had Hulk hands I would smack them screaming HULK BORED!!!
Actually I’d never say that I’m too polite and thus often bored by people.
Since you ask, I’ve got a sore back. And neck. And my Hubby is taking me out for dinner. Oh, well his boss is. And the baby has a tooth coming through and I have to pack and I have no time, and those shoes are gorgeous – almost as nice as mine.
Oh, wait, you weren’t serious?
I’m not a shoe person, but damn I love those ones. They’re gorgeous.
So, how am I? Well,……………………………………………………………………………………………………..,oh sorry, I’m fine, thank you. How are you?
Try saying the opposite of what she’s saying. If she’s moaning about her husband, say stuff like “I’m sure that’s not true. He seems like such a nice guy…”. She’ll soon find someone else to moan to.
And talking while you’re in the stall? Freakyyyyy!
Srsly? In the stall?
And my husband doesn’t get why that’s weird.
Surprisingly (or not really, since I’m a stay at home mom) people, other than my children, don’t usually complain to me.
Apparently I’m unfriendly.
Yeah. Are you sure you don’t have a desk in the next staff room??? This sounds so like Monday to Friday…
Lucky you weren’t here. I could give you an earful right now. Just kidding!
I’m lucky I can stay out of people’s way at school
and once again I have serious SERIOUS shoe envy!
you need to find a closed-end standard greeting, I think. something like “Hey, it’s nice to see you today” and just keep on trucking.
Don’t they know the answer to “How are ya?” is
“Yep good thanks” preferably in a flat tone of voice, head down, keep walking type of a way???
Bloody outh – didn’t they go to school?
Ha ha!
G
xx
some people just have no manners!
Sheesh!
Seriously???? OMG, we had this problem with my Grandmother when we took her to church on Sunday’s. Everyone would say, “Oh, Ms. Hunter, it’s SO wonderful to see you (and your 100 yr old wrinkly ass still alive) today, how have you been?” I finally retrained her to say, “If I were any better I’d be dead already!”. Cause NObody cares about an old woman’s hemorrhoids, ESPECIALLY on a Sunday.
And I was totally thinking the same thing visualizing you marrying the shoes, except it was what shoes *I* would wear to the wedding. I would be invited, right???
I am so unfriendly that I wait until someone greets me that way, then I say “I’m good,” and walk away. I’ve been practicing that for years and it works wonders. Of course I don’t do that to folks I do care about!
How weird would that be? Marrying your shoes but wearing other shoes to the ceremony. It’s like having an affair at your wedding. Tacky.
xoxo, SG
Why is a trip to the coffee room an invitation for a meeting? I agree: switch to “Top O’ The Mornin’” or something.
Gah, the bathroom talker! The bathroom talker is the worse! I die a small death when I walk into the bathroom and bump into a coworker. I’ve been willing to forego my needs just to back out quickly!
Arrghh!! Everyone in Cork asks you how you are every time they see you…even if it was two minutes ago…and now my kids do it…one of the other managers asks me a thousand times a day how the fuck I am, it drives me mad! What are you supposed to say?
Anyway, as you ask, I am fine thanks, living in a wee free household as my little bundle of autism has decided that he actually really knows how to wee in the toilet, even though making puddles on the kitchen floor to splash in is fabulous fun!
I’m with you. I can’t understand why people seem to think I care about their issues.
I’m a cold-hearted biotch and don’t care at all!!!!!
Kelley…let me take a few minutes here on your comment section and tell you about my problems. You see it hurts when I urinate…
Hah! As if… I wouldn’t interupt you with all my damn problems, I’d just stare at your butt when you weren’t looking…
“fabulously fabulousing” – That really needs to be your new blog title
Tee hee…
I vote that instead of saying, “How are you?” as a greeting, you say, “I’m fabulous?”
Love your blog. You remind me of how my bff & I talk to each other. Thank you.
There should be a button in every stall so that we can flush stall talkers. And…I thought eye language is a prerequisite for any job. Damn, you gotta get that bitch fired.
You really need to stop talking at work.
BTW – You loose.
Well…. I’m extremely tired and cranky today but I do love your shoes… One time I was shopping for shoes and-
Uhhh… you were being sarcastic here right?
I hope you didn’t get blood on those fab shoes after you stabbed the idiot.
They are BEEEEOOOOTIFUL!
Love the shoes. And I hate when people talk to you while you are in the loo! At college they are always doing it and it’s like… Hello? Trying to pee here?
And, I’m brilliant thanks for asking, how bout you? XD
PMSL! It’ll be much less stress for you to just say hi in future
You are too funny!
So..how are ya?
lol, well you did ask …..
I’m right on the border of direct antisociability and too-much enthusiasm. So it’s a toss up, depending on if I actually give a shit about the person. If I do, it’s all “hey, how’s it goin’?” If not, it’s a simple “hey” and I keep going. If they ask me how I’m doing and I don’t care to ask them back? I simply say “Fine, thank you.” I seriously never have this problem.
Thank you dear Kelley.
“….and she is all ‘I do not speak eye language’ ” I was rolling on the floor, girlfriend. Awesome. All of it.
Well, seeing as how you’ve asked…
Just kidding.
This was brilliant! And your shoes? Most fabulous, as always.
If they were smart, they would at least have the decency to admire your shoes first. I learned the hard way and now mostly just say, “Hey,” and keep moving. If I don’t, I get bombarded with their computer issues.
Even if one is wheezing and shaking uncontrollably, the correct response to “hihowareyou?” is “fine thanks”.
The only exceptions are: “call an ambulance/police/fire brigade”. Appreciative comments on those awesome shoes may also be appropriate.
At last now I know where my old EA moved to – she had a degree in boring people senseless with her stuff. Hope she stays at your work!
First, I LOVE the shoes. I wish they were mine. Second, I called my friend yesterday and her hub answered the cellphone. We talked for a few minutes. He sounded like he was in a cave so I asked where he was. He was IN THE BATHROOM! Now that is weird.
Hey Mag Warrior!
worked with a chinese lady once, she had a fantastic assortment of really offputting monosyllabic grunts. Man you didn’t dump your shit on her. One of those chinese “HRRRNTZ” or “ERRRRNKS” and you backed away slowly. Truely inspired conversation technique.
Not whilst your in the can. I hope you don’t suffer from a shy bladder cause then you have to creep back when co-worker has gone and risk bumping into another. Its a vicious circle.
Those shoes would so go with my outfit today. Please send them.
Can you spare me 5 mins??!
I am not a shoe person, but i do love those shoes.
Those are some fabulously lovely shoes. I think I have one of those faces people spill their guts to too. Sometimes it’s informative, others, just plain uncalled for.
When the fuckers start, respond with DILLIGAF.
And when the subsequent ‘huh?’ is uttered, you sweetly say “Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck?”
Confusion blended with an ass-ripping. It feels so good.
I’m so with you. Don’t need a dissertation, just say fine or sucky or today blows. And please gimme them shoes!!!
K-K, You are TOTALLY a *****Pr0n star****
Having spent the first 5 years of my working life in the medical reception industry I’ve learnt NEVER to ask ‘how are you’. I’ve also fine tuned the art of responding to the question ‘how are you’ with a ‘fine thanks… now lets change the topic conversation starter’ because you never ever ever respond to the ‘how are you’ question with a ‘how are you’ back at the person who asked.
anja-DILLIGAF-haha, I love it. I’m so going to have that printed on a t-shirt. With your permission of course.
Dude. I would TOTALLY marry those shoes.
Although, being from Utah, you may not want to use this as a measuring stick of who (and how many) to marry. ;P
I. Want. Those. Shoes. Now.
Oh, by the way…how are you doing? hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
okay. I want to make out with your shoes. I’m a size 40/41.
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