That song has been running round in my head all week. Lydia the Tattooed Lady. Or rather ‘Chlamydia infecting my bay-beeee.’
Sing along with me now!
Or maybe not. He.
I suppose you are wondering what the fuck I am on about. Or perhaps you have run away screaming ‘UNSUBCRIBE! UNSUBCRIBE! She has finally gone too freaking far!’
Too has had a freaking cold whiney flu thing for months. Rendering her incapable of doing any of her household chores, taking her washing and rubbish out of her room, but thankfully she is miraculously damn freaking CHIPPER if a friend comes over or there is a sleepover/party looming. Yeah.
So I dragged the biatch to the doctor. AND Moo for good measure. Cause she seemed to have a dose of the Sleeping Emos too.
So we see this doc. At a bulk billing clinic (for the overseas lovelies, this means it is FREE. F.R.E.E. as in NO MONEY changes hands. As in ‘we don’t need your stinking cash, save it and buy shoes and lattes’. Na na nana na) which in the sticks means doctors that have just arrived in Australia, so their grasp of the English language is ‘interesting’
As an aside: Do not take this the wrong way. If I felt that the doctors were less than capable I would not take my kids there. I mention the ‘new Australian’ only because it is relevant to the story…
Anyway, the dude looks like Old Vlad Putin. Seriously. His Russian accent is thick, and I have to concentrate really really hard to understand what he is saying. All the while trying to get Boo to Shut. The. Fuck. Up. about the chicks creaming.
He asks the girls questions and they look at me pleadingly, not knowing what to say. I get every second word and try to put the pieces together while trying to make Boo keep his clothes on and desperately hoping that the doctors understanding of English is as limited as his speech cause Boo is on about the pussy wagon getting him lots of tit.
And then he says it. ‘We will test. She has Chlamydia. We will test.’ Too sniggers. Moo’s eyes bug out of her head and her jaw hits the floor. I try to act all nonchalant, like it is every fucking day some doctor tells me that my 14 year old daughter has a sexually transmitted disease after looking down her throat and checking her lungs.
Um, looking down her throat? *taking to my rocking corner*
That was last Wednesday. She had blood tests, but a little ‘event’ prevented me from remembering making a follow up appointment. Today we went for the results.
Damn Emo is healthy as a fucking ox. Well I don’t know if ox’s, oxes, oxii, are naturally healthy, it is just a figure of speech. Apparently. Whatevz. The biatch is fine.
And she doesn’t have Chlamydia pneumoniae the most common form of pneumonia.
Fucker needs to learn to say pneumonia. Some things you just don’t shorten K?
I love me some Kermit.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 55 comments }
Couldn’t you just kill the fucker?
I had no idea that was the medical name for pneumonia. Wow. LOL
Parenthood is such a joyous rainbow of sparkly love and happy trips to the park.
Wait..I must be drunk again.
OMG, you’d think they would change the fucking name. Wonder how many mothers (and fathers) have had heart attacks over that? How many boyfriends have been shot?
Stop the madness!
You had me on the EDGE OF MY FUCKING SEAT!
Only ‘cuz I was all sorts of itchy and trying to scratch the itch as inconspicuously as possible.
Damn crotch crickets …
Oxen, my sweet hooker heels.
*sniggers* Whilst working in the sprog launching area of the cess pit, some fucktard woman decided that Chlamydia was a classy name for her future croc wearing daughter. I didn’t have the heart to tell her…
well that sounded like it was an interesting GP visit………. certainly more interesting than my one with Dr Islam Alphabet where I just took in my empty pill bottles and pointed at the printer to indicate my need for repeat prescriptions yesterday lol
At least the doctor was free. it would be hell to have the worry about an STD and have to pay for it to boot.
You are, of course, justified in Tontine-ing the bastard in the car park after dark.
bwaahahahahahahaaa.
oh. i shouldn’t laugh, should i?
bwahahahahahahaaaa.
sorry.
OMG I just totally lost it when I saw the pic of Putin.
That is too fucking funny!
Not the ‘clap’ thing (too lazy to spell it out). Well, but in a way, it is. Having an 18 y/o daughter, I would have probably had myself a stroke right there in ol vlad’s office. Screw the clap, someone bring mama a defibrilator!
Laughing my jiggly little arse off.
There are just no damn words for how much I’d pay to see your face when Vlad told you your 14 yr old was a diseased whore.
LOL.
I think I popped a few grey hairs typing that sentence b/c we both know my turn is fucking coming.
Sigh.
Um, but what about the mono?
I’m sorry, I can’t type because I’m laughing so hard there are tears blurring my view of the screen.
Classic.
Umm, I think this is where I say “yay”?
But I won’t tell you my real reaction ROFL. Oh, wait. Woops!
If my GP told my mother I had Chlamydia at the tender age of 14, I would have not seen the light of day until I was 21.
Did they find anything wrong with Too and her persistent flu?
Oh yeah, this is my life! In Syria my daughter had smallpox (chicken pox/varicella). There have been others but I can’t remember them all.
My doctor’s visits now usually consist of me trying to guess what it is my children ACTUALLY have. And that’s become a problem with even the native English speaking doctors.
What the heck? What is wrong with that doctor?!
Heheheheheheeee.
Too funny.
I’m glad the Emos are healthy though.
And hey, it could be worse. I went for a pap smear and the doctor barely spoke English and then scolded me for not speaking Dutch.
Cause yeah, twat vocab 101 was my very first subject in Dutch class or something.
At my local clinic I see a different doctor almost every time I go there. They all ask me why I’m there (umm, I’m sick), what symptoms do I have, (this, this and this), then I’m told it COULD BE this or it COULD BE that, we can’t be sure, I’ll write a prescription for such and such, if you don’t get better, come back. I might just as well head to the nearest jungle and find a witchdoctor. Luckily I don’t get sick often.
Oh man, that is too fucking funny. Definitely not something to shorten.
When Itai was 4 he came home from preschool one day talking all about gonnorhea. Umm… WHAT? You were talking about WHAT??? I nearly shit myself trying to figure out how to approach this one. Thankfully I tried the “what did they tell you about it?” approach first.
Turns out, they were talking about “gan iriya”, the Hebrew name for public preschool – where all the children would be heading the following year.
Lost a full year of my life over that one, I tell ya. Not to mention got a number of new and expensive to hide gray hairs.
Um, oops! I suppose at least he didn’t call it community acquired chlamydia and say that plenty of young people in town had it! I also hope he isn’t telling patients who present with an STD that they have pneumonia and need to wear a condom!
Hahaha…
Her dad should have taken her, oh to see his face.
‘Your daughter has the clap’
Andrew: I hope the Government pays him in onions.
Maria: Obviously neither did I! And NO-ONE I have spoken to since did either. Stoopid head doctor.
Kiki: I love it when you are drunk. You are a little nutty.
Lunasea: Methinks most doctors would have the sense to say pneumonia…
Maternal Mirth: Crotch crickets? Crotch crickets? OMG. Bwaaaa haaaa haaaaaa
Anja: You have such a way with words woman. You should be a speech writer. For the government.
Bettina: OK, you win then.
Karen: Good point. The docs you have to pay for have like an 8 week waiting list. You get what you pay for I guess!
Jayne: Thank you for the permission babe… can I put a brick in there?
Janet: It is totally funny. AFTER the fact.
Auds: Yeah, an 18 year old at COLLEGE! How is that working for you? Are you out of alcohol yet?
Redneck Mommy: And I am waiting babe, I am waiting. Oh and the *gaffaws* and the *sniggers* and the commiserating bottles of vodka/wine/beer/vanilla essence/anything we can get our damn hands on.
ZoeyJane: Moo had Mono. I am just waiting for Boo to get head lice and we can call em crabs and I have the trifecta!
Latte Mommy: I love it when my misfortune makes you cry. *snort*
Kin: *snigger* You hid it well.
Riayn: Nup. Nothing. Just a virus that has been doing the rounds. I know someone who has had it for 4 months!
Kylie: SMALLPOX?????????? Girl, you win. I hand you the trophy. I would have died then and there.
Rachael: The English language I believe.
Lilacspecs: When I was in high school the teacher taught us all the swear words after we reached a B. Highest scoring class in the school. I used to know twat in German. Not that that would have helped you or me.
River: I hear ya! They go through docs in this clinic like I go through shoes. They have a FUCKING AWESOME Sudanese doc there right now. Won’t be long before the city clinics nab him. *sob*
Robin: Oh bwaaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa! Girl, I have to email you about some of the shit Boo is obsessing on about Israel.
Ms Fifikins: *snort* He DID tell me off for Moo not being on the pill…
BoxBoy: Oh YES! THAT would have been hilarious!
Dude needs his ass kicked to within an inch of chlamydia.
And then the clap. Er, I mean, a round of applause.
Gawd. I woulda smacked him down with the chair.
Dear sweet freaking god! If someone said that about my daughters when they are 14yo I’d be hitting the nearest liquor outlet asap.
Newish here and had to comment on this post as I’m laughing at situation…..
Personally I think you rise above it brilliantly. I love the way you attack the issues head on.
Classic. It reminds me a bit of when an uncle passed away and my grandmother was telling people it was syphilis instead of encephalitis!
Jackass.
He’s got quite the bedside manner, eh?! Glad she’s healthy. Does this mean she’s made a miraculous recover at home, too?!
Bwahahah…too technical for his own good. You should give him a punch…oh, did I leave off the ‘to the nuts’ part?
Next time you see Dr. Putin, smile genially and say “Otsosi, mudack!” When he gasps in horror, you can say, “Oh dear, did I get that wrong? The nice lady on the internets told me this was Russian for ‘Good afternoon, doc!’”
(Of course, when I told you this, I was lying. You’ll actually be saying, “Blow me, asshole.”)
Tseluyu!
send Vlad here! I’d love him to work in the clinics my loose cousins go to. Maybe they’ll quit having their welfare babies if he scares them with something like that….bwahahahahhahaa!
I had Chlamydia once. In my ear.
I’m kidding.
Just stumbled upon your blog and it had me laughing outloud. Guy needs a dictionary or something…glad you didn’t deck him or anything. LOL
I can haz std…LOL…rotfflmao..
I wanna know if the damn Emo looked alarmed.
Aside from the miscommunication humor…I actually watched the video and LMAO…Kermie does rock the house!
Holy crap, that’s funny!
Aw, fuck a duck and make him quack. Like when I was a little girl and my pediatrician told my mother I had herpes.
It was a fucking cold sore. On my lip. Geez.
Um, yeah, how about telling the doctor to try not to freak you out. You’re poor daughter must have been mortified.
Dude, I’m a nurse, and I had no idea that was the clinical name for it. Probably because they didn’t want to teach us how to SCARE THE CRAP out of people.
(p.s. So sorry I’ve been absent. My folks are still here. And yes, I’ve lost my mind…a few times.)
oh dear lord, i just peed my pants.
Fucker needs to learn to say pneumonia.
I laughed unforgivably hard at this. PS. When do you want me to mail you those zebra cakes?
There are no words. Poor child. Poor Kel. Oh, hell. How could he do that to you?! And, because you wanted it: Damn Commie.
Maternal Mirth – Are they the regular ol crotch crickets or the more vicious saber tooth crotch crickets? The latter are running ramped down her in the south!
Holy crap! Until I got to the end of your post, I was thinking, “Is there some other way to get Chlamydia that I don’t know about??” I guess the answer would be no. ;^) (So was it fun telling your husband that the doctor thought your daughter had an STD?)
Glad your daughter is okay!!!
Ha ha, you should have let Boo get his kit off…some of the docs my little ball of autism has seen have been scarred for life by his antics…it would have given him a taste of his own, er medicine.
My husband went to the docs last week with a sore/swollen/white throat that will not go away, and the doc gave him antibiotics, did a swab and told him he would tell him what he had in a week!!
I took one look and said ’strep’…and we have to pay for that!!!
They gotta make a name like that to make us peasants feel ignorant…
Damn medical people. Where’s my scalpel?!
My husband is on herpes meds right now. It won’t stop being funny. However, 14 year olds getting told by Dr Kevorkian that they can haz STD’s? BRILLIANT.
mmmm, I love me some kermit too…
That’s the diagnosis FREE gets you? The clap?
Huh.
Ree:- cold sores are herpes, just a different strain to the genital type.
When you said it was in her throat i was like “what the fuck? oh dear . . .” glad to hear it was just pneumonia. well, not GLAD, but you know what i mean . . .
Holy Cow! This doc (Dickhead) is lucky to still be breathing…. pretty big freakin mistake to shorten that down to what he did….
So, has he recovered from seeing you or did you leave him still breathing?
Comments on this entry are closed.