The part of Awesome Mummy will be played by me – of course.
The part of the Loving Children will be played by the Damn Emos and the Tiny Terrorist
The part of Loving Husband will be played by that great lump of bastard lounging on the lounge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So the Awesome Mummy asks her loving children what they would like to eat.
The Loving Children respond ‘I dunno’
Awesome Mummy clenches her jaw and reminds Loving Children that the store is all out of ‘I dunno’ so think of something else.
‘Whatever’ respond the Loving Children. Loving Husband is no fucking help, he is rather partial to the ‘Whatever’ too.
Awesome Mummy makes a list to take to the mecca of under clothed, over muffin topped arsehats. She shows the list to the Loving Children.
‘What do you want to add? Something for school lunches? Dinner? Breakfast? Give me a fucking clue what you want!‘
Loving Husband adds ‘Big Screen TV’, Loving Children add ‘iphone’
Hilarious. Really fucking Hil-air-eeee-ooous.
‘I want to eat healthy like’ mutters the oldest Loving Child. After coming home from work at Hungry Jacks (Burger King) and sampled most of their wares with a pitiful staff discount.
‘Sounds like a plan!’ Awesome Mummy gets a little over excited. Visions of a list filled with food that will be eaten rather than added to the list of things to do – ‘empty fridge of rotten healthy foods and restock chocolate’
‘What would you like?’ she sets herself up for what is coming. But she stupidly thinks today will be different.
‘I dunno’
The vein in Awesome Mummy’s temple starts throbbing.
‘OKaaaaaay, lets start again’ she tries to sound happy and encouraging, but in reality it comes out a little like Reagan in The Exorcist.
The Loving Children and Husband look at each other and smirk. Awesome Mummy is losing the plot again. Fuckers
‘How about you think of something you like to eat, and I will put it down on this little piece of paper and like magic it will appear!’
Mucho rolling of heads eyes.
Awesome Mummy goes it alone. She menu plans. She checks stocks of toilet paper, washing powder, various soaps and lotions and ‘that time of the month’ supplies (in reality is it every day of the month save a couple) she brainstorms with herself about delicious snacks and the like.
She shops.
She hauls all the shit home cradling a double shot skinny latte in a milkshake cup.
She wrestles with all the bags, back and forth from the car, almost spilling her latte, while Loving Children and Husband sit on their fucking arses are otherwise occupied, unpacks all the shit and sits down to catch up on emails/blogs/Plurk/Twitter her breath.
Loving children wander in. ‘Oh Hi! I am hungry’
Awesome Mummy‘s head spins and she spews pea soup indicates that she has just been shopping and the cupboards and fridge are full.
‘Muuuuuum! There is nothing to eat!’
Awesome Mummy pours herself a vodka and orders pizza.
For herself.
Fuck ‘em.
{ 45 comments }
I spend a week planning a menu for a month, making a fucking grocery list, going to the store to shop for it, coming home and putting it away, for me and him, and he is all “why didn’t you get me some cookies or something like that” and I say, “I showed you the list and asked you to put what you wanted on there and all you added was AAA batteries and preparation H”.. shit
I’m not an Awesome Mummy.
I don’t do menu plans.
I rip food out of the freezer, whip it up, throw it in front of ‘em and should The Tribe dare to even think of complaining they get a growled “This aint feckin’ Coles cafeteria. Eat it or wear it – your choice.”
The Tribe have even learnt to enjoy Brussel Sprouts.
Coz I am Big Nasty Bitch Mummy.
I think that we should be able to sell “whatever” on eBay – it is in such demand.
So how did they survive on “dunno” and “whatever”? Did they survive? Do you care?
Not sure I would.
Cheers, Andrew
I shopped, I cooked, they ate. End of story. Then they grew up. They ate anything not nailed down, didn’t matter what it was. Then they got jobs. After that if they wanted what I didn’t have, they bought it themselves. I had such agreeable little darlings.
I reckon let ‘em starve! Damn emos will lose weight and get skinnier and have something else to be emo about. As for husbands.. Any husband who can’t get off his arse and make his own damn food has been married too long anyway. Short answer: Leave them to their own devices and they’ll eventually find SOMEthing to eat. Bugger ‘em
Yeah, I remember being that obnoxious kid who always said there was nothing to eat. My dad just said, oh well don’t eat then (he did get into a little bit of trouble with the school because I was a stubborn child and I just wouldn’t eat…then I would go to school and tell the teachers that I hadn’t eaten breakfast – what an evil child I was).
I’m actually thankful that my kids aren’t evil like me. And as long as we always have Cookie Crisp in the house, everyone under age 18 is happy.
Does Awesome Mummy wear a cape and red hot pants?
Let them eat Tofu.
Seriously, let them starve.
2 or 3 days later they’ll come to their senses.
Go on strike.
That means, no cooking, no cleaning, no catering for every whim. Then wait for some smartass to ask why something isn’t done.
Works a charm.
Karen: I say you smear some plain cookies with the Preparation H and tell him they are the latest from Oreo.
Jayne: And Awesome Mummy enjoyed her solitary pizza and those fuckers ate ‘whatever’.
Andrew: I must admit they do get it from me though. I NEVER know what I want to eat but at least I don’t make it someone elses headache.
River: Oh Em Gee. You did. Lucky biatch.
4ft: Too right. I have given up. Fuckers can starve! Um, hello Miss works-for-childrens-services of course I will supply fresh fruit and vegetables and all the healthy shit that kids need, and not purposely just buy shit they don’t like. It is OK, you can put the pen down now…
Kylie: My teens often go to school with no lunch. The stuff is there, they are just too lazy to put it in their bags. So they spend their own money on food. Suckers!
Solomon: That is a plan! And rockin’ boots. Gotta have rockin’ boots.
Spotrick: Now come on, that is child abuse… (I actually like tofu. Shhhhh)
BoxBoy: They have to have sense to come to it.
Kelly: I couldn’t. Cause they WOULDN’T CARE! I swear they would live in a pit of writhing bed bugs if there was WiFi.
Cook them something special.
Croc-pie.
Imagine their faces when they bite into one.
They may be more suggestive in future.
Going on strike worked a treat for me, especially when I cooked a delicious meal for one and ate it in front of him. Hah! Now he thanks me for whatever I manage to cook up.
Sadly I do this myself – go to the store, spend a shitload of money, buy oodles of food, and then gorge myself on potato chips because “there’s nothing to eat”. Sigh.
If I only had Awesome Mummy around…
brilliant post.. and so bloody true..
There it is right there – the whole problem with consultation. Being consulted is a privilege not a right. It’s time for totalitarianism baby. Ask only you what it is you would like. These younguns and sooky hubby will just have to suck it up.
What is inedible in your house? Inedible here includes a big bowl of fruit on the kitchen table, bread and bread’s variations, cheese (except parmesan), vegetables, boiled eggs, pistacchios and any combination of these.
We got a bread maker, and my hubby who gets marks for being a non couch dwelling, uxorious type has been baking loaves daily, since. Gorgeous.
My poor deprived son decided to spend his pocket money on the little luxury he most pined for – shop bought bread, and not that awful home made stuff.
The problem with the stuff they do like, is it evaporates.
My children accost me on the way from the car to the table, and start riffling through the shopping bags, while I am still carrying them. That shits me.
When i was still on junior wages, one of my pizza making colleagues made a pizza for the janitor. This janitor expected freebies. My colleague didn’t appreciate it. He made a pizza using the sock off his foot. Janitor took pizza away. Came back and through it at colleague.
I say you start running things like the nasty pirate wench you are – “hoist the sails, scrub the decks or there’ll be no slop for you tonight, you scurvy pirates! Arrrrr!”
Ah, the dreaded “What do you want?” query. I ask it nightly. My kids stare at me and say nothing, and my husband always says, “I know what I want, but we don’t have it. No kidding. Thus I just asked, “What do you want?” Again. The answer always then becomes “Whatever.”
Interesting how no one really ever likes whatever when I get it made.
Psh…let them all fend for themselves. Buy everything you like. If they don’t like it too, then they’ll start coming up with suggestions.
I’d help you carry the groceries, but the airfare is too much for me. It seems you’re on your own there.
Thats sounds like my story!! Except, I’m mama/irrational bitch, the loving husband is a lanky whiner, and the loving children are/is just one cute little 7 year old. But other than those things….its all about the same!
I’m moving to Australia. You call is ‘washing powders’. I love it.
Best meal you ever had, I bet. Anything with a side of “well FU then” is always mucho deliciouso!
Aww hunny, you are teh awesomeness!
((hugs))
Mine are like River’s kids.
(sorry…)
I make mine cart the groceries. In fact I never, ever have to cart groceries in from the car. Tis the PSLS and kids job. They damn well know there is food in the house that way
lol
I’m with Robin – the most indecisive one in the house. Course my kids are younger but I’m already sick to death of “cheerios” or “nutra-grain” when I ask what they want for dinner.
Or the tantrums when I tell them there’s actually … dum, dam,dauummm… vegetables on the menu.
Give me some “dunno”‘s and “watever”‘s anyday!
Don’t you FUCKING hate that! UGH! I have to go shopping tomorrow. My kids don’t say whatever, they say, “candy, ice cream, and cookies!”
I hope the pizza was awesome and they didn’t even get to eat the crumbs from the floor
I’ve always said, “If you say it with conviction, people will believe you”. Heh. We had the occasional days of “whatever”. I usually made whatever I wanted then, but made enough for everyone. I’d start eating, they’d say “that looks nice”, then I’d say there was plenty more in the kitchen, go and help yourself. Things were better when they learnt to cook. They’d all take turns choosing a menu and cooking it.
Wanna trade? I’ll whip some ‘i dunno’ into the emos and you can have my secret seven. No?
I hear baked beans are good and cheap and it’ll help with heating. Also good to change bath’s into spas.
They will want to have input soon enough if you only have a cupboard full of beans.
BoyBoy: So are we talking about the man eating animal that is made into shoes and handbags or the abomination that will survive a nuclear holocaust on the feet of the cockroaches?
witchypoo: you know MPS did that to ME tonight! Fucker.
Robin: Dammit woman I want potato chips now… and I just went shopping… and we have none in the house…
nicole: Sad innit?
jodieodie: MPS makes Boos gluten free bread. My cupboards and fridge are overflowing with food and the makings. Good shit and easy crap. Lazy bastards.
Latte Mommy: Bwaaaa haaaa haaaaa! I mean Arrrrrrrrrrr!
fadkog: Mine like ‘whatever’, well they tend to eat it, but I get sick to death of having to discover whatever whatever must be.
Jim: Thanks for the empty offer Jim. Lazy bastard. Can’t you swim?
Sarah: The names change but the situation is played out all over the world. I wonder if the Queen of England screamed at her kids ‘What the fuck does one want?’
Maria: Well what do you call it? Stuff to put in the washing machine to wash the clothes like?
BusyDad: Dude, you got it in one.
Marylin: Smootches back atcha
Frogdancer: Bite me… oooh that can be Friday nights dinner eh?
Bettina: But how do you hide the chocolate then?
Kin: I will ask you in a couple of years and you will slap yourself around your head.
Mrs Schmitty: And girl we say ‘lollies, icecream and biscuits’ seems only icecream is universal…
Marita: The fuckers can vacuum it off the floor!!! Yeah. Right.
River: Mine say they will cook and then lose interest 10 minutes before they are supposed to start.
Tiff: Bwaaaaa haaaa haaaaaaa! You crack my shit up. And girl, you are game serving baked beans in winter! Must be cold with all the windows open.
At some point “I dunno” will be added to the food pyramid, right along with “You decide”, “whatever” and the all time favourite, “Let’s order pizza!”
Dude. You kill me.
After hearing ‘there’s nothing to eat’ one too many times, this awesome mommy gave the job of food shopping to awesome daddy.
Now you sound Just. like. Annie. except she doesn’t speak Australian.
Mummy what are you making?
Food.
What kind of food? Is it for supper? Is it noodles? Is it……
Edible.
Oh.
Eat or starve. That is my motto.
I’m passing you an oatmeal/cranberry/chocolate cookie. Fresh from the oven. Enjoy.
Good for you, Toots. I hope you drank it straight and enjoyed every mouthful of the pizza. Smooches.
Perfect. That’ll show ‘em.
Let them eat cake. What? Is that not good for them?
Ironically, I’m the one that does all the grocery shopping but I’m also the one who will open the newly stocked fridge three hours later and wail, “There’s nothing to eat!”
I could cook frigging fried, gold-plated chocolate and my kids would still hate it.
fuck ‘em all.
And oh, by the way? “great lump of bastard?” I am submitting that to that Blogtation site because that is fucking HILARIOUS.
last time i got “i dunno” as an answer, my head spun around 360 degrees, i spewed pea soup and growled at my demon spawn.
had a family meeting. menu planned with THEIR input. if they had no input, i wrote in “cereal for dinner.”
funny how fast we had a plan for the week…
Good for you! I point out the stack of frozen Lean Cuisines and the microwave.
Oh, wait. Mr. Hot points them out. When I say “I dunno”.
Take yourself out for dinner and a movie…at least once a week… make whatever YOU WANT the rest of the time…they’ll figure it out! Oh, buy a new pair of shoes each time too.
Sooooo, things go like this even on the other side of the world … hhhmmmmm … amazing.
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