Yesterday I emailed my girl Deb, from Deb on the Rocks and asked her to do a guest post. Cause I am sick of my whiney poor-me-ness. I was all ‘Girl, do me a guest post cause I suck’ and she was all ‘Cool’ and I was all ‘Awesome’ and she was all ‘Awesome’.
So without further Awesomeness, here is my biatch, Deb. Love you long time babe.
Darling Kelley invited me to romp around in her blog for a guest post, which was extremely exciting to me. She’s my divine, brilliant Aussie hottie, and I’m a devoted fan. And on top of the siren call of her own fine, sassy booty, perpetually pumped up on high heels and caffeine as it is, being an American dreaming of escape I have a deep and abiding lust for all things Australian stemming from my teenage years watching Prisoner: Cell Block H. (AKA Prisoner in Australia and Caged Women in Canada, but Cell Block H to the U.S. and U.K. That’s a little free trivia for you!)
This imported soap opera featured a gang of motley, manipulative but often loveable female prisoners and the dirty screws who screwed them or kept them from screwing each other or watched them screw each other. Viewing women’s prison drama as a teenager probably says more about my sexual inclinations than about Australian culture, but the twisted wires are all mixed up in my cerebral cortex, which is a long way of saying trying to imagine Kelley’s voice makes me uber hot even though I know she’s not a working class incarcerated woman in the 80s.
Remembering the warm feeling I had listening to the Aussie accents of Bea and Frankie going at each other’s throats, I decided that instead of just writing a guest post, I should travel to visit Kelley and then I would be able to write a post for Magneto Bold Too while actually IN Australia. This would help me get the tone right. Also, it would help me cover up the fact that I have never written a guest post before and have no idea how to do it. (Note to Kelley: you popped my cherry and are very special to me and I will never forget that. Never. Sorry if anything got stained.)
I figured I would leave on Friday after work, and plan to stay for 6-20 weeks so that I can celebrate New Year’s before all of you in the States, because that would own. I’d be all “Happy New Year!” and the Americans and Canadians would be “Shut Up, I’m just eating a bagel for breakfast on some random day in late December!”
I hit submit on my flight search, and of the 356 ticket combinations, $2359.92 was the cheapest.
Unfortunately that ticket required 4 flights, a stop in Auckland, New Zealand, and 29 travel hours, which should be a day, but with time differences they said I would arrive at 8:30am two days later–or earlier–than my take-off, I’m not sure which.
I can’t show up at Kelley’s house for half a year smelling like four planes and two days into the future or past! So I pushed some buttons and boiled my itinerary down to 1.86 travel days and three planes in first class for only $9,333.33. Add a few pairs of shoes for Kelley and some American treats like Little Debbie Zebra Cakes and Swiss Rolls for Boo and the Emos, and we’re looking at ten grand. Maybe I would even need another flight or bus fare, too, because I don’t know how far away Wentworth Detention Centre is to the Magneto Bold household. All of that might be hard for me to come up with by Friday.
I was thinking about asking on the blog for donations to send me over, but then I thought we might want to save that Paypal button for gathering dough to bring Kelley over to the land of unlimited Little Debbie Cakes and other mediocre consumer goods. Good idea, huh?
Which leaves me high and dry without a trip, without a guest post to offer and more importantly without the chance to live out my long-awaited fantasy of bunking up with a bossy Aussie who regardless of her wicked crimes – and they are many because no spleen is safe from her – has a heart of gold and kisses of fire. For now we’ll have to remain long-distance loves, separated by bars and oceans and the dirty screws who keep us caged women. Someday, Kelley. Someday we’ll be free to walk each other’s continents: you in the high heels of your choice, and me behind you, watching your sassy Aussie booty. Dreams do come true.