I am not ready.
I am so not ready people.
Most chicks my age are worrying about toilet training and kindergarten and Bratz dolls over sexualizing their girls.
Dang, those dolls are freaking slutty!
Me? I have a 16 year old. Or as she keeps reminding me, almost 17 year old. In my head she is just a freakishly tall 8 year old. With a smart mouth.
So the other night when I was driving her to work, she was all ‘So I have a new boyfriend’ and I am all ‘Oh, really?’ not really concentrating cause that fucking ‘I kissed a girl’ song is STILL stuck in my head and I was trying desperately to find the beat of Any. Other. Song. to override that freaking song in my head.
As she exited the car she casually mentioned that he was 18.
For my overseas lovelies, the reason this strikes terror in mothers of teenage girls in Australia is 18 is the legal driving and DRINKING age. He can like, DRIVE with my daughter in his car. He can BUY MY DAUGHTER ALCOHOL.
*Kelley picks herself off the floor again*
So I am sitting here doing something vitally important like searching Amazon for Ninja toys for my desk at work, and she wanders in, all sweetness and light. I am all awwwwww, isn’t she cute… hang on… she fucking wants something…
‘Whaaaaat? I ate all the chocolate biatch, suck it up’
‘Um, can M come over and take me for a drive’
For a nano second my brain doesn’t compute. I am struck dumb, while my brain catches up with my imagination and then I start rocking.
Then the wailing starts ‘No no no nonononononononononono…’
And the rocking gets faster. And the devil spawn child starts giggling. And Boo starts squealing and moaning and copying me and I am all ‘I cannot deal with this’ and she is all ‘giggle giggle you are too cute’ and I am all ‘nooooooooooooooo’
‘Oh.’ she says ‘You are serious’
You fucking bet your virginity on it I am ‘Yes.’
‘Just give me a few days to get used to it OK’
She knows me so well. As long as I get a couple of days to
mourn dwell come up with every possible bad scenario get used to it it will be all good. Like when she wanted to get a bikini, or go to the underage disco, or dye her hair…
I was 17 when I met her father.
Right now she is in the bathroom getting ready to camera whore. When I say that, I mean take pictures of herself looking like a MySpace ho and then forget they are on the camera and her poor mother sees them when she is innocently downloading
her own whorey photos for her blog innocent pics of bunnehs and food cooking and she accidentally on purpose deletes the whole lot and then is all Oh Noes! and she is all You did it on PURPOSE and her mother is all he he he…
anyway. She is purdying herself up. And she looks JUST LIKE the chick in the Wedding Singer. Not Julia Gulia. The other one, the slutty girlfriend Linda. I couldn’t find a pic of her, but just google Emo Chick Haircut and there you go…
as an aside: I totally looked like this as a teen. I had that exact outfit. Oh. My. Holy. Hell. AND the rings and bangles… Replace the bow with a metal heart and dye the hair dark red.
And WHAT is my child listening to while painting her face to look like every other teen since the dawn of time?
Poison. Alice Cooper. Metallica. Motley Crue.
Teens these days.
I totally understand them.
She is never leaving the house again.