I think I am a pretty good mum.
My kids beg to differ. Especially when they are sick.
I have a very low tolerance for sickness. You will get a bit of sympathy, maybe a hug, but if it drags on longer than a couple hours I am over it. Totally.
I am all ‘What? Go to bed or something. Get out of my face. And for God’s sake don’t breathe on me! I don’t want your germs.’
Meh. I will give them medication and stuff. Throw a couple of cloves of garlic in their general direction. Maybe a bucket.
I just don’t do sickness well. The nurse maid thing bores me.
And then there are the secretions. And the projectileness. From every orifice.
Too has been sick for the last couple of weeks. Has had the last 3 days off school, waking around 4pm all confused and cracking my shit up with her ‘What day is it!’ and ‘Is it morning or night?’ and ‘Where are my *insert some freaking weird random fever induced item*!’
And wanting her Mummy. Awwww. Just don’t breathe on me. Good thing she is like a head taller than me so I can avoid making contact with the germ factory that is her general head like location.
A few years ago, Moo was pulling the ol’ ‘I am too sick to go to school’ thing and I was all ‘You will catch that freaking train or I will drive you to school. In a leotard. And heels.’
This went on for
months weeks. She was a right bitch (hormones and genetics) and I was rather relieved that she was coming home and going straight to bed.
Finally, after screaming match after screaming match I took her to the doctor. Well first I threatened her with going to the doctor. The ‘I will take you to the doctor and if there is nothing wrong with you I will rip you a new arse and then fart on your pillow’ threat. I told her she would have to have blood tests and shit.
She was all ‘OK’.
And I was all WTF?
Turns out she had Glandular Fever antibodies. Meaning she had Glandular Fever. And was getting better.
So I was sending her to school with one of the most debilitating viruses you can get. Something that can send the strongest of people to their sick bed for weeks, if not months.
So she thought she had something up her sleeve. A ‘bad mummy’ card to pull whenever she liked.
She underestimated me.
Now when she complains of being sick I just tell her to suck it up. Cause she functioned with undiagnosed Glandular Fever, she can cope with anything.
And for fucks sake don’t breathe on me.
Thankyou everyone for your kind words about my Grandfather. He is being discharged from hospital today – no beds – fuckers – but hopefully they will be able to find a local place soon. Yes, I know what the place is, I just don’t want to think about he ‘h’ word right now. Smootches to all of you… unless you have a cold.