I have blogged about Boo’s fascination with his excrement before.
The fecal murals that adorned our bathroom. The hallway. The lounge.
His insistence on running his hands all over my face, the haze of freshly squeezed turd wafting from those fingers precariously close to my mouth.
His reluctance to use toilet paper, preferring freshly laundered doonas.
For my overseas lovelies, it is like a quilt, comforter, blanket, duvet.
This is a doona after Boo has gone to the toilet. Actually it is two. Two of the three I washed today.
But today I am going to talk about my toothbrush.
Your toothbrush you say? What the fuck does that have to do with shit?
Those that have been following along with me for the last year (yes! I am almost there! Like 3 weeks away) will be sniggering and running their tongues over their clean teeth.
Boo found my toothbrush. Cause I hide it. Cause Boo finds my toothbrush rather useful…
I discovered the extra curricular activity of my toothbrush one sunny day. I was apparently in a good mood, but the sources were unreliable so take that with a grain of salt, and innocently wandered into the bathroom to find a sight that would send you screaming to wash your mouth out with acid.
Boo, leg up on the bath, scrubbing his sphincter with my toothbrush. Apparently queen sized bedding just doesn’t cut it sometimes.
So ever since my toothbrush has been in hiding. Cause that minty arse freshness is only achieved with MY toothbrush, every one else’s brushes are in a nice little container on the counter. Mine is hidden in the cupboard behind the hair dye and spare deodorants.
Occasionally I will find it on the floor beside the toilet. I retch, wash my mouth out until my gums bleed, and add toothbrushes to the shopping list. And think of another hiding spot.
He smiles innocently at me. He is all ‘whaaat?’
It seemed that he had gotten over the need for extra arse scrubbing cause my toothbrush had not been moved from its protective hiding spot. But my shiny toothed world would soon be shattered…
I found him putting the fucker back in the cupboard.
But he also had Moo’s toothbrush.
Bwaaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa!
So Moo and I are hiding our toothbrushes. In the pantry with the sweet potato. Cause we know he ain’t gunna be wiping his arse with that right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apparently I spent a lot of time sleeping with chicks at BlogHer. Nice, clean, non-shit-encrusted bedding. Bliss
Plain Jane Mom blogged about it here.
as did the lovely Crunchy Carpets.
So this is what clean bedding looks like then?
and I got to get down and dirrrrrty with Redneck Mommy (I love that girl forever), Jen (my new object of desire) and Jess (hawtness) when they went to a naked bath house.
and if you want a laugh please go over and check out my biatch Lunasea. What she did to me is the funniest thing I have read in ages. The chick is crazy but all about safety first.
{ 44 comments }
haha. I read this post to my husband. He nearly died from laughter. I’ll add toothbrushes to the list of things I need to mail you. I’ll put it right under Zebra Cakes and Cheetos.
well, we always knew it would just be a matter of time………. at least you aren’t alone in the arsebrush stakes this time
lmao
Sorry I couldn’t take you with me, but by the looks of things, you had a great time at BlogHer anyway!
Oh God. You’ve got to start keeping your toothbrush on your person at all times. Yikes.
On a lighter note – you had such fun at BlogHer this year, just think of the party when you actually go next year!!! Woo hoo!
Darls, I’ve nursed people with toothbrush fetishes that involve a hole other than your mouth or your arse, and the shyte only varied by the depth each day.
Hide your toothbrush in your handbag, that way you’ve got it with you at all times without wondering if Boo has suddenly conquered his fear of sweet spuds
i … am uncharacteristically speechless.
i’d consider disposable toothbrushes, i think.
I started retching halfway into this. Ew, eeww, eeewwwwww!!!!
Shamlessly Sassy: Yeah, and don’t forget the hostess cakes and all the other weird shit you girls talk about in front of me.
Bettina: Yeah I know… so where are all those replacement toothbrushes you said you would send me last time eh?
Missy: As did you! In the mens bathroom par-taying it up with my Jenny??? Apparently she could just eat you up with your cute little accent!
Latte Mommy: I keep buying the Lottery tickets!
Jayne: They put them in their ears? Huh? I don’t understand…
The planet of Janet: Awesome. I love leaving people with their jaws hangin’
Lilacspecs: Darlin’, I was retching before hand.
Just the mere thought is enough to make me change my toothbrush! *shudder*
Do they make single use toothbrushes? I think the should just for you!
So he only liked full quilts? Wouldn’t he prefer smaller easier to manage (wash) bits of quilt.
I’m going to need your help on this one. At what point is it insensitive to laugh? Or when is it completely laughable, yet it’s just one of those days and so you need a hug?
How about I just laugh and buy new shoes with you in mind?
Sweet potato to the rescue! Maybe you should get a few more and hide any other items you need to protect behind them. A lockbox isn’t a bad idea, either.
maybe my suggestion to keep a toothbrooth in your own anus for safekeeping wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
That is the best laugh I’ve had in a long, long time.
Don’t tell moo.
You and Moo should just leave the toothbrushes in the bathroom hiding spot that Boo already knows about, then he can continue to use them, meanwhile have a whole stash of new ones hiding behind the sweet potatoes. For you and Moo. Just make sure Boo never sees you with one that’s a different colour to the bathroom ones.
I’m glad you had such a virtual good time at Blogher.
Hey another idea! What about quilts patterned with sweet potato?
I’d definitely go with something lockable to keep the toothbrush in!
Can’t you get some sort of disposable ones, I’m sure I’ve seen em somewhere…
G
xxx
I’m sure we all said that we would send you a toothbrush so you had enough of them for a full year…
Sweet potato brilliance! I LOVE IT!
I could never tell my husband this story as he would freak out and hide all of our toothbrushes. My husband – father of four and a soldier – has an unnatural fear of shit.
Safety First?? Hah!! She was just strapping you down to protect the random Sailors, Marines and Shoe Salesmen she would happen to drive past in her car.
Oh no! And I thought my former roommate’s cat licking my toothbrush was disgusting!
I…I don’t know what to say. Oh yes I do!
BWWWWAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAA!
Okay, sorry.
I think river had a great idea. Leave the butt scrubbing toothbrushes for him and the REAL ones hidden. He’ll THINK he’s using yours. Or you’ll THINK he’s not. He is clever. You may really never know.
BWWWWAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAA!
You clearly win.
Everything.
doesn’t that hurt? I would think it wouldn’t be pleasant, but then again, I’ve never tried to scrub my asshole with a toothbrush.
woman, you are a saint.
Sorry, Greta cannot comment today. She is still in a fetal position sucking her thumb from reading this. ;0
Oh my goodness!! LOL I have never heard of such. Too funny.
OK, so you love and lust after all the other chicks, but *I’m* crazy? Actually, I take that as a compliment.
My toothbrush is clean. I think.
*note to self- Visit here BEFORE or WELL AFTER having lunch.
ACK!
I suppose a toothbrush can be more effective than using a Bidet.
I read this whole thing with an expression that resembled my, “that baseball is about to hit my face” expression. I am scarred for life on your behalf.
Now I shall click on your links and go read stories about you that will surely make me wet myself with laughing.
So when everyone in the house has sweet potato patterned doona covers, what next?
There was a European king / royal person who would wipe his arse with live soft, downy birds. (I’m thinking it was ducks or geese.)
Better warn teh bunneh, she could be next. Give her a sweet potato body guard, too.
Farckle nuts. You mean you only love me forever? I’m not your new found object of desire?
Dammit to all hell.
I tried so hard.
And the next time I get annoyed with my hubs, I’m sending Boo his toothbrush.
Heh.
Dude. I don’t even know what to say to this. I need to go rinse my mouth out with some Listerine. Or bleach.
Okaaaaaaay.
I am NEVER going to complain about the twins using my toothbrush to scrub mould from the shower again.
Ever.
Hey babe
I saw this extraordinary thing and of course thought of you. I thought you might share my equal part stomach turning nausea and sheer, delighted, disgusted amazement at the width and depth of human endeavour. Plus it’s about poo and sex. mmm mmm together at last.
http://www.lemmingtrail.com/mb/148377/
ewww, that is just SOoooo bad!!!
but interesting that you refer to the comforter as a “doona,” since that’s what it’s called in danish–spelled “duna”. perhaps the danish crown princess who is really australian has had something to do with it?
Robin: Good thing they have light coloured bristles eh?
Leigh: Now wouldn’t that just make my life easier? Face washer sized arse wipers?
ZoeyJane: You may laugh at my misfortune. God knows I do.
greytfriend: Do they make lockboxes big enough to put Boo in? I would put air holes in. I promise…
BoxBoy: Glad to hear I can entertain you. Oh, and I am not fond of the scent of my own shit surprisingly.
River: You may be on to something there girl!
Myst: But where is the fun in that? It is like a lucky dip…
Veronica: But did you? I think not.
Kylie: Send him here. Sorta like a Shit Boot Camp. He will be cured or sent mute from terror. Either way you win.
lceel: You know me far too well.
Dingo: Well that is because it is!
Mrs Schmitty: *snort* you are right. And, gah!
A Whole Lot Of Nothing: Was there any doubt? I always win. At everything.
Moo: Yeah, I wondered if it hurt. But we are talking about the child that eats furniture and pulls out his own teeth…
Greta: Bwaaa haaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa!!! Move over…
The Diva’s Thoughts: Yeah, it would be HILARIOUS, if it was YOU!
Lunasea: It is a compliment. My best friend is known as ’scrubber’. I love me some crazy lunatic chicks. Like you. Like totally. Mwa!
Sandy: Don’t give him any ideas woman, God knows how he will rig up one of them.
Melain: Have that image of you cringing in my head now. He he he
Kitty: You are brilliant. Know where I can get sweet potato wholesale?
Redneck Hotness: You are not my new found object of desire. You have been for years. Even before the internet. Or electricity. I think we were lovers in a past life.
Karly: It burns, but it burns so good.
Tiff: You know kids pee in the shower don’t you…
Jodieodie: Why? Why? Why share that with me? God. Ewwwwww. Duuuuuuude.
julochka: They were called that (it is a brand name) well before our Mary married your dude. And yes, it is rather foul, but funny. When I step outside myself and pretend it is someone else. Like Moo.
I want to laugh, vomit and hug you all at once. You probably wouldn’t want that though.
I’m laughing, I’m crying … but then I’m laughing again. Wow Kelley! You are my new favourite blogger.
i mean, we’ve already been naked together, might as well get to know each other.
You want to sleep with me in Chicago? I’m more than happy to take you on my next trip.
I am so happy that at least, hopefully soon after whatever damage control you have to do, upon seeing any type of mess of this sort, that you can say to yourself “well, this will make for a hilarious post.” You deserve more, but I’m glad you at least have that, you wickedly smart girl!
Okay, I admit I had to follow Jodieodie’s link. Unbelievable. Speechless. In utter awe of Jodieodie that she knows of such things. OMG just doesn’t cut it. Wow.
I am DYING here. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages! I need to visit here more often.
He needs his very own electric toothbrush, with cheap replaceable heads.
And I think I threw up a little in my mouth…
I’m never going to look at a “Reach” toothbrush in quite the same way ever again. A little bit green, I turned.
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