Apologies in advance to the
geeks fans of Lord of the Rings. I have not seen it. Nor read it. Or tasted the breakfast cereal. And the underpants that make you feel special are not my cup of tea. But I am sure your mum makes them nice and soft for you and folds them just right, next to your jammies…
When I get excited about one particular thing. The most wondrous purchase a woman, or tranny, can make, apparently I sound like this guy.
And the geeks repeat it back to me. And giggle so much it dislodges their WiFi connection and they start screaming in tongues about losing shit on WoW or something. Meh. Stoopid geeks will never know the ultimate pleasure. The pure bliss and little shaky shiver that goes through my spine as I walk in the store.
The tingles that flutter in my belly as I remove my old lovelies to slip on the new, sparkly, shiny, OMG the rapture when I stand up and look in the mirror.
And right now the End. Of. Season. Sale.
Excuse me. I need to compose myself.
Everything half price. Or less… Oh the colours! The styles! The shapes and patterns and embellishments and oh Goddess… I can barely contain my excitement and lust.
But there is one little fly in the ointment. One coitus interruptus that leaves me panting wanting more but ends in bitter disappointment. The tingle of excitement dissipating into despair.
End of season sales mean the most popular sizes are gone.
And my size is ‘most popular’. Dammit.
So those abso-fucking-lutey stunningly orgasmic orange shoes had to stay at the store.
But these didn’t.
Do you see that? Flats. Flats people! My first pair of winter shoe flats.
And Oh. My. Fucking. God. These are awesome. And gorgeous and make me feel horny just wearing them.
See even that hairless rat agrees with me.
And lastly… Kelly likes shoes… like for serious that is what this is called.