Of twits and twats Tuesday

 Today’s instalment of the Magneto Bold Too made up memes is Of Twits and Twats Tuesday.  This is actually something I found in my drafts folder, full of 10′s of hundreds of fucking drivel wonderous nuggets of bitchiness.

I went to school with a guy named Twat. 90% of my school was either Greek or Vietnamese so I assume he was Vietnamese. There was another guy called Fook. And Fook ‘n Twat (say it fast) hung around together. But Fook went and changed his freaking name and ruined the joke.

Bastard.

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We had a guy friend O, who hung on our every word. We let him hang around cause his friend was H.O.T. English guy, just off the boat, with the sexiest posh accent. Made me slip slide off my plastic chair I tell ya, whenever he had to speak in front of the class. We nicknamed O, Fugly. He thought it was fabulous and signed his name that way for ages. Until some biatch told him what it meant. And ruined the joke.

Biatch.

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As a teen I used to babysit a 6 year old girl. She spend most of her time with her finger up her nose. I told her if she kept doing that her head would cave in. And she needed to pull her ponytail high up in the air to prevent this happening. She started getting arm cramps from holding up her hair. Her mother took her to the doctors cause of the pain in her arm….. and the joke was ruined.

And I was never asked to baby sit again.

Stoopid child.

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Whenever the song ‘Four to the floor’ came on I would tackle my girls and make them press their foreheads to the floor. Got to the point where as soon as the song started they would throw themselves to the floor, forehead pressing the pavement, to ruin my fun.

But one day on the school bus the song came on and Moo dropped to the floor. In front of her friends. Bwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaaa.

Pavlov Emo

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I threaten my mother constantly with making her a ‘Bitter Almond Tart’, she is all ‘that would be lovely!’ and my father and I roll around the floor laughing.

Then she told her sister about it.  She asked me why I would want to feed my mother arsenic.  My father and I rolled around the floor laughing.  MOTY has stopped asking me to bake for her.

Un-nomming inheritance spender

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One day it was raining heavily. We were all gathered around the window at work marveling at how heavy it was all of a sudden. One woman, I will name her Too-Stupid-to-Breathe-and-Chew-Gum (TSBCG), commented that it was raining cats and dogs. I turned to her an said ‘You can’t say that any more. The Humane Society decreed that it is animal cruelty and not politically correct. You now have to say raining chairs and tables’.

‘Oh!’ says TSBCG ‘Sorry!’

And now TSBCG comments about the furniture raining down. No freaking sport in that though. She is an idiot.

Fish in a barrel

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Shoe of the day:

These gorgeous babies were bought for me by Moo.  With her own money.  Let me repeat that.  A teenage girl, out with friends in the city, spent her own money on a pair of shoes for her Mummy.

Cause I am that awesome.