Mocking bastard Mika Stalker-man.
So I got on the scales this morning.
Then I went to the loo. Stripped naked, took off all my jewelery and hair tie and got on the scales.
Stood on one foot. No difference.
Got off, did a little jig to rearrange things. That same freaking number staring at me.
Then I went into the kitchen gathered up my hair, laid it on the kitchen scales, decided the fuckers weren’t working and subtracted 2 kilos from the total on the bathroom scales.
Still not a number I was hoping to see.
They must be broken.
And some bastard is shrinking my clothes. Cause my jeans weren’t that ’snug’ a few days ago. Well they were snug, but must have been in the process of being freaking shrunk by the arsehat that is shrinking other items of my clothing.
I pondered this while eating a donut. With a glass of water of course cause that nullifies the calorie content of the food consumed with it. Sheesh, to I have to teach you people EVERYTHING?
And that Mika bastard? Everywhere I go that high pitched squeal follows me.
Trying on clothes in a local boutique (they were tagged wrong of course, damn I wish they would get it right!), fucking Mika on the musac crooning ‘Big Girls, you are beautiful!’
Waiting in line for my extra large double shot skinny latte and contemplating a Texas muffin. Bastard screaming in my ear ‘diet coke and a pizza please, diet coke I am on my knees’.
Sitting at the drivethru with eleventy hundred teens all talking and squealing at the same time in the car, contemplating drowning my sorrows in a bag full of fries. ‘Walks into the room, feels like a big balloon’
You trying to tell me something you little turd?
Driving to school to pick up Boo. ‘ You take your girl and multiply her by four…’
‘IT IS A FUCKING BREATH MINT YOU BASTARD!!!’ I scream at the radio. Even with the windows wound up a pedestrian whirls around and stares at my car.
OK. OK. I am carrying a little extra padding. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Mika. I swear I will wring your scrawny little androgynous neck.
Tomorrow. I will start my diet lifestyle change tomorrow.
I have to finish the donuts first. Cause there are starving children in Africa and shit. So I can’t, like waste food you know.
Now where am I gunna hang my clothes if not on the exercise bike?
{ 42 comments }
You need a talking scales…
Oh, you are VERY brave. My scales only get 1 shot to get it right. If they stuff up then I stuff them back in the bottom of the cupboard and drown my sorrows with chocolate!!!
LMAO! I was reading this post aloud to DH cos I was laughing and he asked what I was laughing at and when I read the bit about where you’re going to hang your clothes, DD8 said “In her wardrobe. Duh!”
My scales are broken too.
And? The large cheeseburger meal from Hungry Jack’s today? IT WAS AN EMERGENCY, OK? Fuck.
The Flake Luxury (crumbly milk chocolate Flake covered in Dairy Milk milk chocolate)that I’m savouring right now? It’s all about self-care.
and I can’t possibly be expected to go the gym after dropping that damn axe on my foot and breaking my toes now can I?
The double chocolate kitkat was a sanity saver for making it through the supermarket without killing someone
That hateful hateful song was ALL the rage in Belgium right when I moved here. I hate Mika now. That was 27 (12ish kilos?)pounds ago and I still can’t find clothes that fit here. But it was ten times worse when I’d be looking longingly at cute clothing with that scrawny f*cker Mika blaring that song in my ears.
HATE!!
Put your clothes on the floor? Think of all the calories you could burn doing clothes dodging tricks at 3am.
Mika’s an arse… like he’s really being sincere in his song eh…? Grr!
shit, kelley. how do you expect me to eat my hot fudge sundae — uh, i mean my carrot sticks — with all this racket????
I cant find my scales… I think they are underneath the 5 kilo box of chocolates I bought at Cadbury’s the other day…
*whispers* who is mika???
I hate Mika. So much. Thank the goddess we haven’t heard much of him over here recently.
Mmm… donuts… hot fudge sundae… and my freaking mother is on a diet so we only have vegetables and shit in the house. (There is a tupperware container of weird brown stuff in the fridge. I fear it may actually BE shit.)
I need to go to the shop.
This is freaking hilarious!
I have half a birthday cake and a Father’s Day pie sitting in the fridge. I feel morally obligated to eat it. It is wrong to waste, after all!
I hang my clothes on my treadmill.
I can’t stand waisting food either. I have to eat the left over everything off my kiddos plates!
Who’s Mika?
And…if anyone cares…?
I lost 10 pounds after reading ‘Skinny Bitch’.
So there.
I have been eating all day long. But I’ve had two bottles of water, so thanks for the validation that *that* cancels out the kazillion other calories.
And yea, who the fuck is this Mika shit anyway?
I had to google Mika. Methinks it’s better that I stay ignorant of the Mika.
Meanwhile, I just give my scale a good shake before I hop on. But seriously, why do we torture ourselves? If the clothes don’t fit, that’s just an excuse to go out and buy some new awesome stuff. As long as you can still wear your shoes, who cares?
Have a floordrobe like Moo and Too?
I’m really glad I don’t know who Mika is.
I’m doing Physical Therapy for my hurt ankle..it’s embarrasing, the most workout I’ve had in a year and it involved up and down 4 stairs and stading on one foot.
I guess if I did MORE of that I might shed a few lbs.
You and me both.
I’m starting the miraculous surgeon’s soup diet today. Apparently if you stick to it you can lose 5kilos in a week. I figure that it’s got to be easier than exercise.
That same sadist who shrinks my clothes? Makes me delicious burgers and carrot cake.
“I swear I will wring your scrawny little androgynous neck.”
Pure genius. Good thing I decided against that Oreo or the crumbs would have been sprayed all over my keyboard. What is that guy, 65 pounds soaking wet?
The only Mika song I’ve ever heard is the Grace Kelly one. I’m thinking that’s a good thing!!
Can you pass me the donuts, Kelley? I need to put on weight.
I find it’s easier to avoid confrontation. I don’t own scales. One less thing to scream obscenities at in the mornings.
I fucking LOVE Mika. So much that I didn’t read this post or any of these comments lest I see a diss towards him and I had to bring out the virtual beatdown.
Don’t fuck with my Mika.
Let me go relax….take it eaaaaaaaaasssyyyyyy.
Awe, sorry about your frustrations! I have the opposite issue but I wont go on about it too much!
**Goes off to google Mika**
I have a sign on my fridge:
“I am really a size 10 with a layer of fat to keep me warm.”
Last time I laid eyes on my scales they were flying through the air into a rubbish skip – they work GREAT for discus throw, which should be the new Olympic sport
Just tape the number you’re looking for across the window on the scale. Voila!
BoxBoy: Cause yeah, that would make me REALLY fucking pissed off hey?
Lightening: It is tomorrow. And you freaking say CHOCOLATE to me? You hate me right?
Tina: Your kid puts her clothes in the wardrobe? Shit. Mine think it is a storage room for unwanted crap and dirty clothes.
Tracey: Again with the chocolate… I am thinking I need some medication of the cocoa bean variety to get over this lifestyle change thing.
Bettina: As long as your hands are busy no arsehats can die.
Lilacspecs: I know he was trying to say love yourself as you are, but fuck me dead it makes me feel like he is directing it to me!
Veronica: Brilliance. Pure brilliance!
Marilyn: Who knows. And personally I PREFER Diet Coke to the real stuff. And I aint gunna drink it with an apple am I?
The planet of Janet: Fuck woman… *off to check if there is any icecream…*
Frogpondsrock: You been living under that rock woman? Here, knock yourself out… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89GB7z_Ogt0
Kath: Shit in your fridge? Sounds like my house…
Mama Zen: But of course! Right now I am baking a cake for MPS’s birthday… fucker smells wonderful and I don’t care for cake!
ohmommy: Soon the kids will be older and pinching food off yours. Damn nomming Emos…
good&crazy: You lost weight just reading a book? Or was it so bad that you had to burn the calories tearing it into little tiny pieces?
Ree: Damn right it does. You look awesome!
Kel: and that is why I love my shoes so much. My pretties don’t care how fucking bloated I am, they always fit perfectly.
Solomon: *snort* why not! Awesome..
mp: Apparently screaming burns a lot of calories. I am planning on doing that quite a bit..
Frogdancer: So what you carve off a limb and make soup out of it? I reckon I could lose 15-20 if I hacked off both my legs…
witchypoo: Carrot cake has a vegetable in it, so it cancels out the calories. Lettuce in your burger? Neglible calories cause of the water AND vegetable content. Awesome.
Walking with Scissors: Boo was obsessed with that Grace Kelly song. I liked it until the forty billionth time on loop.
Anja: I have a friend like that. She cannot put weight on. We are considering going to lipo and transferring mine to her.
kitty: See I am a glutton for punishment. That is why I am friends with BoxBoy.
Maria: I didn’t say anything mean about Mika. Much…
Dirty Laundry Diva: Wanna come with me, my GF and Anja? I think I have enough for everyone!
Widdle Shamrock: And now so do I! *gaffaw*
Jayne: Hmmm, contemplating…
lceel: Brilliant. But I am thinking a pic of Mika with a stake through his forehead might be better.
I love Mika! AND Robbie Williams!
Blasphemy!!!!
Divorce & illness are good for weight loss
It’s what I do when I start piling on the pounds!
Using your treadmill for hanging clothes would probably avoid it getting dusty too…must try it.
And just to make your day..
YOU’RE BACK ON BLOGLINES!!!!
your last 4 posts came up (and some other bloggers that I didn’t realise weren’t working either…got me some reading to do)
I hear if you break the food in half all the calories leak out. Keeps my conscience free and easy.
OK… I LLLOVE that you called him a turd. I am laughing my ass off over here. In fact, I’d better help myself to a doughnut before my ass is completely gone.
I thought of you today and this post just reminded me.
It was a t-shirt that read,
“Drink your coffee. There are sleeping people in Africa you know”
Anyway.
I’m on this new lifestyle change too, starting on Thursday. Lets bitch at each other about how miserable we are.
I’d love a talking scales with an accent, like penelope cruz, “Oh get off me, you are too big!”
Would make my fucking day.
Bloglines seems to have woken up and dumped a couple weeks worth of your ‘insight’ into my reader, so all is well with the world again.
Are they regular donuts or Krispy Kremes? And who the heck is Mika?
My fridge magnet reads “I’m not fat, just too short for my weight”
K: SQUEEEEEEEE!!! Bout fucking time..
Tiff: Off to break a block of chocolate into tiny little pieces… should be negative by then.
Melain: Bwaaaa haaaa haaaaa! I am totally using that.
Huckdoll: Oh! I want that shirt! Tell me where you saw it and I will buy one in extra freaking tubby fat lard arse. I started today, and spent 3 fucking hours at Boo’s school packing pies and slices for fundraising. And ate a banana. Pretended it was a pizza.
BoxBoy: Yeah I emailed Bloglines and said some little man was whining and they felt sorry for me and fixed it. Cause whiny little men are rather annoying. I can send you a recording of me saying ‘Fuck off BoxBoy’ if you like.
River: *swoon* Krispy Kremes… unfortunately the closest one is like 2 hours away from me.
River:
I’m hearing you – for sure.
Imagine my delight when my weight shot up 6 kilos in a month – thrilled to bits!!!
AND I’d cut out sugar as well……
G
xx
Hey Kel: I ran into Tonya a couple of days ago and she told me she had just returned to work this week, after being off from having knee surgery from a Tae Kwon Do accident, right after the Autism Walk in Biloxi. So if your email is in her stack, she’ll get to it this week or next, and respond back to you.
Have you noticed how that big girl song is just a little bit too much like Dolly Partons “9-5″
“Tumble outta bed
And I stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
And yawn and stretch
And try to come to life”
No? Just me then? Okay.
I love your excuse to finish to the donuts … I eat all the leftovers here too for that reason.
‘butt’ I did dust off my bike with my butt … I ride while eating my klinkers and watching TV.
OMG…you are toooooo funny!!!! I had tears rolling down my cheeks reading this….my f-ing scale is broken too, but then, so is my self control! Found you through Lilacspecs and I am so glad!!!
p.s. Lilac and I were in Australia and New Zealand for 21 days in 2002…I soooooooooo want to come back…I adored it there…Australia especially!
em… i love if mika stalked me it would be great achely he did stalk me it seemed like it anyway’s i was in this shop down clacton and nearly every shop i when into i heard mika and DONT SAY MIKA IS A SHIT BAG or anything ok hes not
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