His hands were so tiny.
Grasping for me, minutes after he was born. Grasping. Grasping.
Tugging at my heart.
Bonding within seconds. I have known him all my life. Now he has a face. Looking, searching, seeking me out.
Always. Those tiny hands.
Now those tiny hands are almost as big as mine. Still tiny to me. Still grasping.
Tonight those hands clutched mine and told me to go.
‘Go to your laptop Mummy’
He wanted to go to sleep alone. He didn’t need me to sit with him. The long night vigil. Boo bouncing around the room. Me sitting on the lounge beside his bed. ‘Sleep Boo’ ‘Put that down’ ‘No mate, it is night time’ ‘Get your hand out of Picachu’s eye’
‘Maybe your husband could make you a drink? Maybe your husband can make you a coffee!’ he suggested. All the while those hands pushing me, ever so slightly, away.
‘Go to your laptop Mummy’
I stroke his hair. His curls encasing my fingers. His eyes looking deep into mine. Like when he had tiny hands.
He reaches up to push my hand out of his hair. Gently pushing.
Eyes rolling. Sleep is near. His sweet breath filling my lungs.
‘Go to your laptop Mummy’
I push it. This is something I have waited for for almost 10 years, Boo putting himself to sleep, yet I cannot let go. I ask him if he wants me to sit with him.
‘No.’ he whispers.
I look into that beautiful face. The day has come.
All growed up.
I kiss his cheek. He puts his hand on my face.
His hand that is almost as big as mine. No more tiny hands.
No more tiny hands.
I walk out of his room. I turn to look at him.
‘Goodnight Mummy’
‘Goodnight my beautiful boy’
{ 54 comments }
Beautiful, Kelley. Heartwrenchingly beautiful. Hugs, babe.
Woah Kelley, what a HUGE day!!! Beautiful post.
Awww you made me want to cry.
Strange how the biggest steps our kids make forward, the important steps we want them to make, are the very same ones that can break our hearts.
Still, way to go Boo. You’re awesome dude
But, are you ready to let go?
It’s easier for the kids, innit?
Way to make me cry before bed!
Beautiful
)
Breaking my heart over here. Beautiful writing.
A truly lovely post….
Suze summed it up perfectly!
G
xx
I don’t know if I can handle all this humanity from you.
Very touching.
You biatch.
You made me cry.
(((Kelley)))
What is it about hands? I once wrote an entire post about my child’s growth from babyhood to adulthood as seen through his hands.
*sighs contentedly* aaaaaaaahhhhh
On the one hand I find this incredibly sad. It’s that moment that you realize a little piece of your child doesn’t need you.
On the other hand this is wonderful! I didn’t know whether to smile about this fabulous thing or cry at this event!
“Maybe your husband can make you drink.” LOVE IT!
Kelley, this is an absolutely gorgeous post. What a huge moment. Thanks for sharing it!
My kids and I will be walking in the Autism Speaks walk next weekend here in NY along with my students and their families. I will be sending up thoughts for Boo for being one of the amazing kids with autism who I feel I’ve come to “know” even in some small way.
HUGE MOMENT, Kelley! I am so happy for you both. A long time coming. Thank you for sharing those moments with us.
Any contact with Tonya yet…?
God you’ve just made be cry, biatch!
Way to go Boo!!
((hugs)) for you Kelley xx
very beautiful…
Beautifully written, Kel. You’ve perfectly captured those bittersweet moments of our kids growing up and needing us just a little bit less. Still, enjoy the rest!
Awww wow Kelley, that is just so well written!
beautiful. beautiful and bittersweet.
hugs to you and to boo.
This was so well written,sweet and tender…
a big smile
Beautiful.
Wow kelley…this is beautiful. What a big step for Boo.
xxx
Fucking eyeliner all down my face. I look like ‘Shirty the slightly aggressive bear’ with mascara everywhere. You made me cry, you biatch.
Awww Kel. {{hugs}}
Oh. Its so hard to let go…
Was SO not expecting to come here and cry!
So bittersweet Kelley…
*Runs to daughter’s room to pick her up and hold her while she sleeps…*
Nothing else
I know I am just repeating what has already been said, but yeah… beautiful. …sniffle…
*sniff* I think I have something in my eye. Do too! *sigh*
Oh Kelley, this broke my heart
What a momentous evening though. Rejoicing and aching for you all at the same time.
*hugs honey*
Wendy: Thanks gorgeous, I had a lump in my throat while writing it.
Deeleea: I know! Exciting and heartbreaking all at once.
Suze: He is an awesome dude. Now Murphy better fucking stay away…
witchypoo: *snort* you found me out. As much as I bitched and moaned about having to sit with him hours on end, now I am all ‘I wanna sit with him!’ Just can’t please me..
Mellissa: consider it a facial.
Missy: thanks babe. Wait till you have your own.
Myst: It was bittersweet to write. That is the wonderful thing about blogging, you can share these tender moments with the world
BoxBoy: How about bite me arsehat? Feel better now? Or, I am really a robot drone just typing random words to suck you in to the subliminal advertising – buy more stuff!! buy more stuff!! – or not…
Jayne: All part of my evil plan my lovely..
Robin: I think it is because their baby hands are so different to ours. Soft little dimples.
frogpondsrock:
And then there is our babies having babies….
Alison: I know, it is so hard to let go of something that has become so much a part of my life, but on the other hand it is so wonderful. A real milestone.
Liz: Wow. Thanks! Be sure to post lots and lots of photos!
Coast Rat: Life has been soooo hectic I haven’t had a chance. Will shoot you (and her) an email asap.
Marilyn: thanks babe. I loves me some internets hugs.
Ange: and bittersweet. Still makes me a little um, something in my eye, just thinking about it.
Guera: No on to wiping his own arse….. *snort*
Jenty: awwww, thanks babe, I came straight out and wrote it with tears streaming down my face. I am such a silly bint.
The planet of Janet: ooooh more hugs. keep em coming, I think I may need them tonight.
Sorrow: squeeee! Out of lurkdom again! Awesome.
Marita: um, same as I said to everyone else, *gaffaw* thanks
Genaine: I know! It is so awesome. And a little bit sad…
Karen: ditto as to Marita
Anja: Bwaaaa haaaa haaaaaaa! Have you met Gloomy bear? He is more awesome, covered in blood.
Ree: thanks babe
Tiff: God, isn’t it?
Sandy: And then I go to your blog and you have pics of tiny hands!!!!!
Bettina:
back atcha
Kel: And I am repeating back to you what I have said already
Thanks.
Beth: *gaffaw* I love that you remember that!
Gnometree: I know! That is exactly how I feel. If only we could carry smilies around in real life.
Goaldeebug: It is such a huge thing, I am so glad that everyone gets it!
Sweet sad milestones always leave me teary eyed. Congratulations Boo.
God you can write.
I have tears in my eyes. You must be so proud and sad and scared and happy and, and, and…
hugs to you and your beautiful boy
beautiful post love, so well written, i have tears in my eyes.
sleep tight boo.
just beautiful.
Its funny how we look forward to all those steps but don’t want to lose the little boy in the process.
Itty bitty little sweetie! We’re about to turn 8 in my house. No more kisses before the school bus comes. {pouts}
Great post – moved me. Sounds anodyne, I know but there’s really nothing else to say.
Cheers
BC
Oh Kelley, I was so happy for the both of you, and yet I cried too, because I know how hard it is to let go sometimes.
Dude, you rock. And so does Boo.
Beautiful.
Beautiful post. Not at all what I was expecting (came for a laugh), but what I needed… Thanks for reminding me of the important stuff.
Real men don’t cry…but I hired a fake one to cry in your honor. Nice post…
Awwww,
I got goosebumps and feel all sentimental now… or is it just mental ??
sniff, I get it Kelley, I KNOW what that means.
BIg moment. Yay and (((hugs)))
Rapt for you both
Big, big moment. So lovely… yay Boo.
I loved the sweet little grasping hands – aww how cute.
Yes, it is a big moment in time when you baby no longer needs you 24/7. Bittersweet, yes and sad beyond measure but at the same time I bet you were celebrating his awesomeness at letting you go (and laptop time).
Boo is so cute
Wow! What a big step in his little life. You wrote this very beautifully.
Oh my god, Kelley…no fair. You make us laugh and cuss for weeks then you throw this down, melting our (my) icy cold heart(s). Beautiful. I love both sides dearly.
Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle.
http://tinyurl.com/6rc8fx
Oh, my heart. Some days I wish that my almost-eight-year-old would put himself to sleep at night but then I think about how sad I’ll be when the day comes that he asks me to leave the room. This was beautiful.
That was superb. I think I cried. Thank you.
Oh man, and I thought that it’s bad that my 2 year old doesn’t want to be rocked anymore… they grow up just when you’re not expecting it.
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