Time to revisit the ol’ social story. Boo has got himself a dose of the gas.
His arse is the original weapon of mass destruction.
If only his farts melted my leg hairs like they do to my nostril hairs I would save a freaking fortune in leg waxes, open my own salon and get Boo to fart in the clients general direction.
When I went into his room this morning my nostrils were raped by the stench.
Yesterday the kids were treated to extra play time while the classroom was aired out.
We are all ‘Duuuuuude!’
and he is all ‘Whaaaaaat?’
While we are all marinating in eau de Boo Poo.
It is like freezing outside and I have the windows open, my shirt over my nose and a can of air freshener slung like a holster at my hip.
Boo exclaims ‘My breath smells like winter!’ as he marvels at seeing his breath while inside the house.
And I am all ‘And your arse smells like arse’
Yeah, I marvel at my come-backage too. It is a gift.
So I broke out the social story from last year, from when his aide at school had to make an emergency trip to the supermarket to stock up on air freshener.
And handed it to my little fart factory.
Everybody farts.
People sometimes laugh when I do a loud fart. That makes me happy.
But I must not fart INSIDE.
I must only fart when I am in the bathroom or outside, alone.
I if I need to fart I need to ask to go outside.
Nobody likes to smell my farts.
I like the smell, but other people do not.
Mummy is very proud when I don’t fart inside.
He reads it, lets one go that makes his freaking CHEEKS ON HIS FACE wobble, and gives me that ‘whatevz’ look.
Goes into the bathroom. I hear the squeals of glee along with the rumble from his bum that makes the walls rattle.
I walk down the hallway…
DAY-UM!!! I can fucking TASTE it dude.
Take that shit outside. And don’t point it near a window for crissakes.
{ 42 comments }
Sometimes I fart, when no ones around
I can’t stand the smell, I just love the sound!
Wow…glory…I am fucking first on this amazing chicks blog for once in my life.
Sorry Kel, I know you’re cringing at that.
Wow, with three sons, this is like a regular thing.
In our house, the rule goes like this:
If you hear it you probably won’t smell it.
If you smell it, run for your life. Silent but deadly.
“my nostrils were raped by the stench.” Classic.
My second son is as lethal as Boo methinks. But he is a silent Arse-assin. He stands near you, quiet as anything, then moves away casually like to do something, leaving behind…THE STENCH.
He’s evil personified. He stinks – we all hate it, and alls he does is laugh. Turdlet.
And no, I am NOT stalking you. I just have no fucking life – OK?
Feed him like, water for a week.
My money’s on the cat vomit as the source of all things noxious and stenchful. No way would brownies do that.
Poor you! Poor Boo!
Huckdoll: And now it will take me longer to put you on my awesome blogroll as punishment. At least you didn’t yell first. Then I would be forced to spam you…;)
Kel: MPS is worse than his son, but give Boo something with dairy in it and it can peel wallpaper off the walls. Hmmmm, there is a career for him.
Shamelessly Sassy: No, quite traumatic actually. And no support groups for nostril rapage. But I bet there is porn about it. Rule 34 of the internet and all…
Suze: Arse-assin. That my lovely made me gaffaw muchly. Oh and I am totally stealing it as my own. Cause I am a biatch like that.
BoxBoy: I will send him to your house and YOU can feed him water for a week…
Kitty Polestar: Nah, he didn’t eat it. Methinks he did a little naughty snacking in the middle of the night. So nail him to the wall or gaffa tape to the bed?
Casdok: Boo the little turd is loving the smell. And the noise. So not poor Boo. Unless I catch the little bastard. THEN it will be poor Boo with a cork up his arse.
Give him some charcoal biscuits. it works on our dog.
I wouldn’t go with the gaffa tape, he’d chew through it I’m thinking. And the cork up the arse would be a lethal missile……..
I can just see the neighbours rushing in to join the celebrations when they hear corks popping…
Just like the wise Solomon, I was going to suggest charcoal. You can buy it in a drink, it’s what we A&E nurses shove down silly girls throats after a big night out (or in).
When MrGnome worked for the railways, all the blokes used to try to own up to the rankest farts. Just smells like fart and wafts awasy: no-one would own it. Smells like a cesspit that has been drinking beer and eating curry: Everyone would want to own that one!
(That reminds me of a story that I meant to blog!)
What are you feeding that boy? You might want to rethink his diet!
The thing that sucks..is when you smell it deep down so that you can actually taste it..
Ew
It took me soooo long to read this post – the tears in my eyes kept me from reading and the farts kept me from breathing (sometimes I fart when I laugh) too deep and then my son walked into the room and said “Gaw, DAD, you Dog …” because when we had that little dog he could KILL with his farts and you just kept hitting me with things like ” CHEEKS ON HIS FACE wobble ” and it got even WORSE. I have to go to the bathroom now.
my boys would fit in nicely at your house. can i send them?
My daughter is the evil pantless witch..she comes and sits naked on you and lets one rip…
so not only do you smell like ‘gina..you have the flavor of FART too…
He doesn’t blame the bunneh? That’s the M.O. for the people around here. Blame each other, the dog, or one of the cats.
On the other hand, my farts smell lovely. Kinda like lavender. snort.
Laughed and laughed at this… especially the picture.
Are you sure he’s not pregnant? The description sounds just like what being with child has done to my previously inoffensive and innocuous bum.
eww…
Cheers
BC
ha… being the only female in a house of 3 boys… I don’t know what fresh air smells like.
I have to admit, I was a little confused at first, with this being the first time I’ve been to your blog. I looked at the guinea pig and was all, “why doesn’t she just unload the little bugger on some other poor, unsuspecting family?” Then I realized you were talking about your son and decided that pawning him off on strangers might land you in jail.
Ever read “Walter the Farting Dog”? Maybe you should hook him up to a fart catcher and have him do something useful with his farts, like blow up balloons…
At the moment, I feel for Boo. I really, really do.
PS~ I like that you write him a note about farting protocol.
Ewwww! And LOL, that was very funny!
OMG! Teach him to turn on the bathroom fan for crissakes! And, yeah, WTF is he eating? Probiotics! Get them into yon child! LOL! And candles. Lots of candles! But not chocolate scented candles…you don’t want to taste chocolate farts. Ewww…
Oh my God that is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my fucking life. I WANT IT.
Dang, what’s that boy been eatin’?
You should write to the producers of Big Brother and offer them Boo’s services to get the housemates out of bed in the morning……………. I’m quite sure they’d bolt at the first whiff if forced to be in a giant dutch oven with Boo
Sounds like the eau de boo poo comes from a diet of baked beans and prune juice. Wonder if there is anything you can eat to make farts smell better. A touch of lemon juice squirted over his food and he may create a ‘home made’ air freshener? You could then bottle it.
Solomon: Wouldn’t that cause stains to my walls during the fecal mural sessions?
River: And I suspect gaffa tape will not flush. Dammit!
BoxBoy: Or point his arse in their general direction. Arsehats are pissing me off today.
Gnometree: Sounds like when my brother would have friends over. He was only allowed in summer so we could keep the windows open.
Mrs Schmitty: I am suspecting he is sneaking food with dairy in it.
MP: Oh God, I know! And then the smell gets stuck in your nose…
lceel: I can just imagine you sitting there in a darkened room, green haze surrounding you…
The Planet of Janet: No. And no.
Crunchy Carpets: Bwaaaaa haaaa haaaaaaa! Smell like ‘gina. *snort*
Ree: No, he likes the smell. Is rather proud.
Babychaos: Well he was pregnant a few months ago. Told everyone. Apparently he couldn’t do what he was told because of his pregnancy…
Ange: I hear ya babe. Between Boo and MPS there is a permanent haze..
Walking with Scissors: It is a hamster. It was funny to me. It is supposed to be a take on ‘your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries’ the line after ‘I fart in your general direction’ from Monty Python. Never mind… lots of shit is funny in my head and people are all ‘you are so freaking weird woman…’
Maternal Mirth: Boo takes everything that is written down as law. Good thing he doesn’t read my blog…
Jenty: It is better today. Seeing I have boarded up his room with him in it…
Jen: *vomit* chocolate and fart.
Maria: You know I spent like an hour making that picture? I am so lame.
Queen of Shake Shake: Raccoon and boot, apparently.
Bettina: *snigger* good idea! I could make a fortune hiring him out to wake people in the morning!
Sueblimely: Hmmm, good idea. We know that foam makes his turds look like polly waffles but doesn’t change the smell, lounge chair stuffing bulks it out a bit. Perhaps it would diffuse the smell…
LMAO!!! I swear woman, you need to do some comedy show writing. I’m rolling over here reading your this post and can hardly breathe
Is it safe to light matches in your house
The Spouse and Feral Beast laughed so hard at you – please note, laughing at you, not with you!!! – they both let several rip. I think they’re on Boo’s side….
Sounds just like my flipping mother… we always tell her, you should bottle that and sell it to the MoD as military warfare. Boo should try doing the same, I hear theres a lot of money to be made in weaponry!
Ree – lavender scented eh? Mine sometimes smell like tomatoes after eating homemade spaghetti sauce, which I think is unfair since I eat WAY more chocolate than I do spaghetti, but haven’t yet managed a chocolate fart.
I told the spouse to “suck a fart and die” the other day. mmmmmm..
Maybe you can bottle Boo’s farts and sell them…
cheers kim
Sandy: My family don’t think I am funny. Neither does the bunneh.
Jayne: Did you get a free nose epiliation?
Kath: That and his high pitched squeals that cause ear bleedage… I think you are on a winner there!
River: Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaa! and ew.
Frogpondsrock: suck a fart and die? Noice. So he was all romantic after that I take it?
Suck a fart and die. I’m so using that at work tonight.
Gebus, Kelley… that boy of yours has talents that are indescribable. I think you should videotape his farting prowess and tell him to make a documentary of his “sphincter symphony” for his dear, sweet Grandmother. She would just love it.
Better check today’s trivial history, Kelley – I’ve found Boo’s perfect career!!!!
Bwahahahahahahahahaha
Put down that frying pan, Kelley!!!
Oh…and you Lose The Game
I just have to tell you that MrGnome ate Bully Beef for lunch, then we went to a bbq or tea where large amounts of onion and chilli patties were consumed on top of a large amount of beer. I could feel farts (the bed shook). They were the worst smelling farts EVER. I got up to go to the loo at 4am and came back into the room and nearly choked. I have had the windows open all day….
Hey Dollface
OFFTOPIC
Hubby has been a dish all day to day. Firstly he was the one who got up during the night to attend to vomiting child. Then he woke me with cup of coffee. Despite being a firm aetheist and generally recompensed singer, volunteered to come to church with me to help my choir perform, probably saving us from doom. Then he washed up, hung out clothes, sang me swoony swing songs, and generally beed best hubby ever. Of course the only reward worthy of such uxorious behaviour was to view your lovelies of a few posts back. He giggled but was a tad disapointed that you were clothed. Perhaps the internet has given him unrealistic expectations? Your gals were art after all.
Anyway, the domestic minutia of life is getting to me at the moment. And I was wondering how you manage? How much time do you spend on your housework? I seem to be able to manage most things but not everything. For eg, if I mop, I can’t shave my legs. Or, if I got to work, attend to my family, clean my house and self actualise, I don’t sleep.
oh Yes – I hope the brownies had the desired impact on MPS.
JodieOdie
I have two boys here who could give Boo a run for his money, i think. They do what is lovingly known as the Dutch oven here… they close their bedroom door at night, with the heater on full bore and then give it the natural gas touch.
When I open the door in the morning it’s like,well, how can i explain it? Have you seen that scene in backdraft where the firefighter opens a seemingly innocent door and is then engulfed by out of control flames? Yep, that’s a good visual, except it’s gas and it’s invisible and i don’t actually die, i live to go through it again the next day.
alex used to knock me out of bed.
I feel your pain. A tiny bit of your pain. And I’m glad I can’t smell his farts all the way over here.
hehe, that was a classic, Boo sounds like a real character.
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