You know when you sneeze and you go
1 is a wish
2 is a kiss
3 is a letter
4 is something better?
What, you don’t do that? You don’t go and demand random strangers kiss you because you sneezed twice. Or in your twenties ’something better’ was multiple, multiple orgasms and now it is just a hot latte or to not fart in public.
Just me then?
I have totally cheated and sneezed like, 12 times and then made twelve wishes. Lame arsed world peace like wishes and not for anything at all remotely cool. And now I realised I totally wasted them on lofty goals when I could have just wished for this:
and wait for it…. they come with a mask that you can Cut. Out. Yourself!
Like when you were a kid and you got the latest Barbie shit and there was like a cut out necklace on the back and while you were tearing apart the house trying to find the safety scissors, your brother ripped the box to shreds to make some fucking background for his Star Wars figures, so you were forced to cut off his white boy afro and a little bit of his ear and then throw the evidence in the washing machine. Then when your mum is all ‘What the hell is going on here and WHY are there pubic hairs in the washing machine’ you are still sobbing at the loss of the cardboard necklace that now not only has boy germs (and splatters of blood) but no amount of sticky tape is gunna tape that shit back together. Even if it is special Christmas tape with candy canes and little Santa’s on it. And now I am never going to marry Paul Stanley from Kiss.
Or is that just me?
Anyway. That sword would be totally awesome. It would put all the joy back into cooking for my loving family.
When they are all ‘we are hungry muuuuum’ and ‘when is dinner going to be ready? I am dyyyyying’ with those freaking whingy voices I can whip out my trusty BBQ sword and pierce their whiny arses and they totally wouldn’t know it was me.
Because I would be wearing the mask.
Carve a K in their arse like Zorro, but not a Z cause that would be stupid. Not being Zorro and all that.
I could go ON GUARD and whip the chocolate out of Moo’s hand, millimetres from her mouth and replace it with a radish.
I could go ON GUARD and swipe that chocolate for myself.
But not like this guy.
Cause I don’t speak Spanish. But I should. If I am going to be Zorro. Or can I be ninja with a sword like Zorro?
Now to go and stuff pepper up my nose and look at the sun. If there is an extra sneeze I will wish for world peace, I promise…
{ 45 comments }
Hi Kel,
I so want one too. And a mask just like that one. Let me know when you need a trusty sidekick and I’ll be there!
Cheers, Andrew
I totally would rather be like Puss In Boots from Shrek. Now HE’S cool. Is that some Antonio Banderas theme I have there? Cause I totally would love me some of him…
Anyway, did you know they (who ever the hell “they” are) say that a sneeze is like an orgasm of the nose. Build up, anticipation, and release. Yeah….ummmm gotta go, back later…gotta…go do something.
No, that totally happened in my house too – except it was a black boy afro here.
We used to play sado-masachistic Barbie.
Srsly she’d be tied to a dresser and the Luke Skywalker action figure would be all inappropriate.(skywalker action figure was more masculine than ken)
So I’m going to say it’s not just you.
Never heard of the sneeze – wish – kiss- letter – better thing; but then, I’m prowly the only one who hasn’t.
Hey, the First Annual Gulf Coast Autism Awareness Walk/Picnic was an amazing success today! They expected to have about 100 show up, and there were over 300 people who came out; a great time!
I always used my first wish to wish for more wishes.
Greedy and lame, Mom would have been proud.
OI!!!
Where’s my love and sympathy on chopping my toes off?
Ok, well nearly chopping them off, but still………
You *should* be wishing for my toes to be all healed and unchoppable.
oh, and for PSLS’s nuts to fall off as punishment for laughing at my accident that was all his fault anyhow. Arsehat that he is.
ROFL at Swiper
“awwww-maaaaan!”
I’ve never heard of the wishes. I’m totally making sure I dust around the appropriate people now
Andrew: As long as you hang back and bask in my awesomeness and wear tight red tights, you are on!
Suze: I loves me some Puss in Boots. I never got that ’sneeze is like an orgasm’ thing. I don’t particularly like sneezing…
Maria: Bwaaa haaa haaaaa! In the washing machine too?
Kiki: Scary. Barbie’s gimp was Batman in my house. He lived in a shoe box.
Coast Rat: Fantastic news!
Witchypoo: But the rules are that you can’t wish for more wishes. It’s true, the President said so, I heard him.
Bettina: Yeah, I know, I have been a baaaaaaaad little blogger. Letting my real life intrude on visiting blogs. How dare I?! The gall of me! Will be over ASAP to laugh and snigger at your unfortunateness.
Sandy: Especially if you have something *special* in mind for the ’something better’! *snigger*
I always sneeze like 18 times, no joke. Ask Buns.
Sooo sporting that mask on the last day of school. How ya like that dude?
SO!
It was YOU who was the masked BBQ-er who swiped the snags last week?!?!
And all this time we blamed the dogs….
whatever it is you’re on, i want some.
and i totally want one of those swordy things. as the queen of the bbq, i need one for knighting my subjects.
I always sneeze in threes but I don’t get letters… just bills.
Not sure I’d want to kiss someone who is sneezing but…
I was a victim of the safety scissors as well. I blame that incident for my present day baldness. My little sister was a tomboy and played with Divorce Barbie, it came with all of Ken’s stuff. Glad I finally got over here, your blog is excellent!
When they are all ‘we are hungry muuuuum’ and ‘when is dinner going to be ready? I am dyyyyying’ with those freaking whingy voices I can whip out my trusty BBQ sword and pierce their whiny arses and they totally wouldn’t know it was me.
Because I would be wearing the mask.
I can totally picture that.
As for wishes, if that worked I’d have millions. I never sneeze less than 6 or 8 times in a row.
I didn’t know I got things for sneezing. I have been missing out for years.
Now all I say to myself is –well actually I shout it to myself:
on the first: “KEGEL”
on the second: “KEGEL, KEGEL Beotch!”
on the third: “Damn.”
and then I head to the restroom to assess.
Or you could say En Garde (which is much more pretentious)
I do remember some sort of rhyme about sneezes, but not like yours and now I’m going nuts trying to remember it.
When DS6 was a baby he used to sneeze then kack himself laughing. The child/health nurse said that he was having an orgasm everytime he laughed. WTF??
Girl: Awesome! Take pics! And what is with your feed thing? Again, nada in my Bloglines…
Jayne: Nah, it was the dogs. I have been teaching them the ways of the Ninja.
The Planet of Janet: I am always like this. Ask my stalker.
Cellobella: You just reminded me to pay my CC bill! Thanks! Oh and now I just lost the game…
NukeDad: We didn’t get Divorce Barbie in Australia. Bloody Government.
Robin: So if that orgasm thing is right, then you would be one happy chick!
Deb: Bwaaaaa haaaa haaaaaa!! *deep breath* Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaa! Oh! Excuse me I need to go and assess…
Gnometree: There always has to be one smart arse. Yeah, I know it is En Garde, but if I started that shit the little French boy that resides here would want one too.
Dearest MBT
Presumably you
sneezed again
forgot your promise to wish for world peace and instead wished for a delicious Italian Hot Chocolate just like the one I am now drinking.
i assume you wished for one LIKE mine, rather than wishing for mine which would explain why mine is still here. So to help with what I assume was your wish… a recipe…
ITALIAN HOT CHOCOLATE
1/2 cup of cocoa or very cocoay hard choc
1/3 cup sugar
2 teaspoons of corn starch or arrowroot. Well fuck, i didn’t have either of these in my pantry, but 4 tsps of icing sugar did the trick.
2 cups of milk.
stick it all together, heat gently. Stir patiently. Wait
Oooh then it gets thick.
Drink. Rejoice.
ah choo
What has sneezing got to do with dressing up in a mask?
But I’m giggling to myself imagining whose teeny, weeny little sausage is on the end of the pitchfork.
Sneezing produces orgasms? For real? *hunts down the black pepper*
When I first saw that sword, I thought this was going to be about S&M and snot porn.
Yes, there is such a thing as snot porn.
I knew someone once who could sneeze on command. She must have had a shitload of wishes huh?
And I would so want to be Swiper!
Geez, I’m glad I didn’t have a little brother. But on the other hand I NEVER had a proper Barbie Doll either. Can you tell how scarred I am by this?
I’ve got two black eyes, kid of like the pope, that eradicates the need for such a mask.
You got a sexy black hat to go with that mask Kel?
I need that sword!! Fantastic!!
It never works to wish not to fart in public with sneeze wish because you just sneezed in public so its probably too late.
Swiper….not swiping! (is that even a word?)
And btw….Gesundheit!
You made me think of the part in ‘Zorro the Gay Blade’ where Zorro carves a Z into a door and then looks at a old peasant and says “You recognize that famous sign?”
Old Man: “Si senior. It is a Two.”
Zorro: “That is a Z!”
Old Man: “But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a Two.”
And yes, I want a BBQ sword too
Hee hee! What a cool gadget!
LOL, pretend to sneeze and see what happens
Although I really do love you (you DO know that, don’t you?) I think I am really, really glad I’m not your brother.
Wait, you cut off some of your brother’s ear????
Dude, that hurts. I should know. I once let Mr. Hot trim my bikini line.
Sneezing will now be a whole new experience for me.
Oooo,now the mask, hmm, that could be so kinky ya know.
I’m more interested in seeing the brother’s ear cut off.
I love that cardboard necklace scene you just painted. Isn’t that what everyone’s Christmas afternoon looks like? LMAO!
You’re killing me.
Hey Anja…….. you can cut one of my brother’s ears off if you like………….
At first glance I thought maybe it was an electrical sword with a switch on the handle somewhere so everyone at a BBQ could cook their own snags while not having to breathe in great lungfuls of BBQ smoke. I wondered if YOU had invented it…….
You could even keep that outfit for after the kids were in bed *wink wink*
I am typing this on the way home from Sydney with my new broardband wireless and the freeway goers think I am nuts laughing at myself!
as long as you aren’t commenting and driving Tiff! :O
LAST!!!
I never knew stealing my sister’s toy boxes to make Tatooine outposts caused this much trauma. I must apologize to her. And you are totally nuts. Love it.
Hi I just popped over via maternal mirth. I heard that seven sneezes is equal to one orgasm. I’ve never gotten there…through sneezes that is. If you sneezed 12 times (wow, by the way) then you almost had two orgasms without having to do a darn thing. Congratulations!!
jodieodie: I was wishing for you to spill it. Do did ya? Oh and I wish that your cat didn’t pee in it before you drank it.
Anja: Methinks that those that think a sneeze is like an orgasm, have not actually experienced the pleasure…
Solomon: I have no doubt. And now thanks to you they will be coming to my blog looking for it…
Kath: Yeah but if she did them in threes, she would just have a shit load of paper to throw away wouldn’t she?
Tess: Oh my girls had EVERYTHING cause I was allowed to have was a barbie that my brother drew boobs and pubic hair on.
BoxBoy: So do you look in the mirror and bless yourself. And then slap yourself for being so 18th century?
Bettina: I don’t do hats. My ego is too big.
Jennifer: You sneeze and fart at the same time? Isn’t that impossible? You are a true multitasker.
Mrs Schmitty: Why thankyou. Cool that you knew how to spell it.
Instinct: Sadly I haven’t seen Zorro, but now I don’t need to.
Jenty: I did. Nada. Stupid freaking fake wishes.
lceel: I too am glad you are not my brother. Especially considering you keep asking to see my breasticles…
Ree: You did WHAT? You were drunk right?
Kel: glad to be of service.
Widdle Shamrock: *wink* oh yeah baby.
Anja: It was only a little nick. You could barely see it under his white boy afro.
Melain: Seriously? Wow, I didn’t realise my powers were that awesome.
River: I don’t invent, I steal ideas. I am awesome like that.
Tiff: Cause you don’t? I do it all the time, stand there giggling like a manic looking at the wall. Deflects attention from the child licking the floor you see…
VE: again, NO!
BusyDad: Golden Child? Is that you?
Kathy: I never do a darn thing. That is MPS’s job. And he does it well…
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