Dear Family,
Sunday.
Mothers Day.
Day of mother worship.
Mother. That would be ME.
You know, that chick that does your washing and feeds you and drives you around and shit? Yeah, well she wants a freaking day off. And that day is gunna be Sunday.
And this is the way it is goin’ down.
Sunday morning, I ain’t getting up till I am READY to get the fuck up.
I don’t care if Boo has painted the walls in his own excrement or has eaten half a jar of peanut butter with a twig he found in the garden, or if you are hungry or your favourite *insert some article of clothing that from the piles and piles on your floordrobe you have decided is essential to your very exsistence to wear today here* is missing or has a stain or your sister/father/brother/bunny is wearing, DO NOT wake me.
And Moo and Too? You are taller than me. So this burnt toast, soggy eggs shit doesn’t wash with me anymore. I ain’t choking down a crappy breakfast and watery freaking coffee any more. I want good stuff. Cooked properly.
Hmmmm…
I am thinking poached eggs, yolk still a little runny on an English muffin with wilted baby spinach and mushrooms, juice, latte and chocolate dipped strawberries.
Brought to me HOT when I deem it acceptable. And not in bed. I hate eating in bed. I have always hated eating in bed and I especially hate eating soggy eggs and burnt toast in bed with 3 bouncing children. I think it is time you knew…
And MPS, you don’t get off lightly. Yes, Boo bought me some shit at the school Mothers Day stall with the money that I GAVE HIM. That is really cute and sweet and whatevz, but buddy? If that is all I get then this year I am goin’ all postal. I will remove your testicles, dry ‘em out like this:
and give them to my mother as earrings. Oh yeah.
And I wanna see receipts. Lots of ‘000’s. Capisce?
Oh, and before I start my list of demands wish list, I will warn you. Yeah, it would be all funny and shit to buy me a pair of crocs or those fucking fur lined bastards, but I am telling you now, we have a big back yard. The ground is soft from all the rain. And I need some upper body exercise. Are we clear? Blood and bone is brilliant fertilizer so I have heard…
MOTHERS DAY WISH LIST
(photos while wandering the isles of Kmart today with Boo):
Wii Fit.
Yes, I do realise that I will have to share.
socks, I want some cute socks to keep my feet warm while I lounge with my feet up reading blogs work on the computer.
notice they are 20% OFF! See I really do care about our finances…
chocolate
well derr…
Kitchen Aid Espresso Machine
a girl can dream can’t she? It would look so purdy on my bench next to Mia the matching mixer…
tulips
*swoon* I loves me some purple tulips.
never ending cups of these…
And everyone at my beck and call.
I need a tissue? It is here before I realise I need it.
Hugs and kisses to be administered every hour.
TV is MINE! I am watching me some Dexter and you will Shut The Fuck Up. I don’t wanna know unless you are bleeding profusely, and you can’t clean it up faster than it is pumping out. And then go to your father…
….and finally. I am not cooking. At all. All day. I am not setting foot in the kitchen, except to inspect your handiwork in cleaning it.
Love,
Your loving wife and mother
xx
To be honest internets, I would be happy with:
and not having to do any dishes.
Happy Mothers Day to all the mummies out there! Hope you have a wonderful relaxing day with people you love. Or at least tolerate. Guys spoil your woman and call your mother. On the telephone. And if your mother is no longer with us, think of her on Sunday and spoil your woman even more.
Cause a happy woman is a horny woman.
Peace out yo.
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Seriously? I’m happy with lotsa coffee, pancakes and sleeping in. Do NOT tell them that though or you will die.
Have a good one on Sunday
You deserve it.
I LOVE your preferred gift choices, especially that yummy looking coffee maker. I’m hoping you get all you wish for, especially the non soggy breakfast. I’ll be pancaking it, but I have to cook my own since my kids don’t live with me anymore. Mmm, pancakes with warmed apple sauce.
I think you’ve helped me crack this no fucking baby shit.
FOUR testicles.
I hate breakfast in bed.. *shudder*
I have put my order in..
1. I am not to be woken up. But when I have had a sleep-in.. then…
2. I want bacon and eggs for breakfast.. cooked properly..
3. then … I will be happy..
The best I can expect is to declare Mother’s Day a “fend for yourself day” in cooking. I miss the structure of school when the teacher would supervise the making of cards. I love home made shytte. Male children only seem to acknowledge Mother’s Day when their wife reminds and prods them. The one at home has no wife. The other one married a psycho bitch.
I will die a lonely, bitter old woman.
Suze: You too babe. And that goes for the murder too.
River: The espresso machine is like $1400! Hope you enjoy your pancakes!
BoxBoy: Nah, they are sliced in half. While attached. With a rusty butter knife.
frogpondsrock: Snap!
witchypoo: Boo didn’t make anything this year *sob* and high school doesn’t do that shite so no cards this year for me either. You won’t be lonely, you have me. Bitter yes, but not lonely.
I tried to convince Phill that since I own a cat, that technically makes me a mother and I should get presents.
Unfortunately he disagreed.
Poop.
I think we should move in together. We’ll share the Wii Fit and I have plent o chocolates currently….like good chocolates…like delicious chocolates….like chocolates made with wine and some without. They are GOOD. We’ll live off Chocolates and lattes because really, thats all I need. I would kill for any type of breakfast that didn’t involve pancakes NOT made from a mix…..and my husband not leaving for work at 7am and leaving me alone with my children all day.
Come live with me….you can bring 1 child.
I hope ya get everything you want hon! You deserve it! but Damn You Woman!! Now I want a frickin MacD’s breakfast!
Sorry. Alison. Line forms to the left. She’s going to live with ME, first. And she will Never. Be. Horny. Again. And she will be HAPPY, because, contrary to the opinion stated above, a happy woman is a woman who never gets the chance to be horny. Ever.
Have a good one, Kel, I’ll be thinking of you while I’m preparing the new vegie gardens for the extra *blood and bone* that will forget what Sunday is – it’s a safer bet than Phar Lap streaking home in this year’s Melbourne Cup
Mmmmm, coffeeeeee. Oops, sorry, I’m dreaming of that fancy red coffee machine. It would look so nice next to my…. wait, I can’t say that yet. Sorry.
Happy Mother’s Day and I hope you’re spoilt rotten!
ahhh, happy mother’s day. As usual, my husband works on mother’s day (actually the whole weekend), and I am required to drag my kids around to vist the grandmas. Yippee. But I have a night to myself tonight, visiting my sister (sans kids and hubby), so I’m good.
That kitchen aid thing looks like a dream…
All I can do is snort!
You’d want to see a doctor about that, or a vet…
I think with Boo not shooting anyone at archery that you’ve already got your mother’s day present this year
They always bring me breakfast in bed, too. This year I’d just love some peace and quiet…. do NOT talk to me…. but I have to cart everyone to MY mothers…. sigh.
Oh, but Happy Mother’s Day babe. XXOO
Please call Dummy. Tell him what you can teach me to do to testicles.
Happy Mother’s day…? There’s a holy one we do in my country in about March, nice to know we’re so totally out of sync with the rest of the commercial world.
Every time you say “floordrobe” I chuckle.
Cheers
BC
It was Mother’s day here like yonks ago (March), so I won’t be buying my mum anything on Sunday. But I bought her a toastie maker for her present in March (She’d been dropping hints to her boyfriend like forever about one), would that have passed the Magnetboldtoo approval?
But I didn’t cook anything for her. I love her too much for that.
Well put. My Mother’s Day? Still up in the air, but there damn well better be groveling. ; )
there’s still room on our spa weekend.
i’m just sayin’.
and i’m angling for an iphone.
Happy Mother’s Day. I’m hoping for Wii. Or a clean house. I’m not picky.
Happy Mothers Day for tomorrow.
I saw chocolate shoes with matching handbags in K-Mart yesterday and thought of you. They looked like kick arse little chocolate high heels that you linked to a while back.
As for me I have all the in-laws coming over to celebrate Annies 5th birthday. That means I get to spend today cleaning the house and tomorrow cooking for them. :: sob :: Only reason I consented to do this is the anniversary of my MILs death is next weekend and too darn close to Mothers Day for my FILs mental health. So here we go wrapping him in the comfort of the family (or mass murder / suicide).
Mothers Day – $5 presents from the school mothers day stall in the morning, then running around screaming at kids while I try to make my house clean enough for my grandparents to visit & baking something for afternoon tea while DBF sits & watches TV. Oh & then spending the evening sorting & ironing washing while trying to get some work done for Monday. Would like to give it a big mess this year. IN fact every year – normal year involves going out to breakfast at the ungodly hour of 8.30am on a SUNDAY to suit my aunt – I am nor refusing to go anywhere at 8.30am on a Sunday morning.
My ideal mothers day would be to take the papers and go somewhere for breakfast without children where I can sit & eat something yummy & drink lots of good coffees all made by someone else. Then no one whinging or talking to me for the rest of the day unless I talk to thwm first. A girl can dream.
“Cause a happy woman is a horny woman.”
I’m going to needlepoint this into pillows on our bed and one for the wall. And maybe even something to hang from the rear view mirror of his car.
Thanks for the idea!
Happy Mother’s Day!
Wow – those are some awesome earrings your mom is getting…
Ouch.
If you’re going to have your pink peek-a-boo hole ripped to shreds by an alien with a head like a bowling ball there had better be presents, lots of freakin’ presents.
Now I see there is bugger all in the way of presents, I’m not getting my tender bits torn apart for some screaming shit machine.
Bastard surgeons won’t give me a tubal ligation at my age. *grumbles*
“a happy woman is a horny woman”, why don’t men understand that little fact. And I would love purple tulips. They rock.
Katie: Do you clean up shit? Do you provide food and shelter? You are a mummy and deserve gifts. Tell that cat to pull its weight and make you breakfast.
Alison: Bugger that, I am bringing NO children. And chocolate and latte? Chocolate and coffee are technically vegetables and then there is the milk….
Marilyn: *snort* I was all ‘I could go me some hash browns..’ while I was writing that.
Iceel: So a lobotomy does that does it?
Jayne: I mean HOW CAN THEY FREAKING FORGET???
Kin: Ooooh sounds exciting!
Ange: Hope you have a debaucherous night out with the girls. I am making MOTY come here! Bwaaaa haaaaa haaaaa!
Girl: I was going to make a crack about crack cocaine…
BoxMan: About the balls or the horniness?
Bettina: Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaa! But just think of the awesome shots and blog posts I could have got. *sigh*
Ree: You too my lovely. Yes, a nice steaming cup of ‘leave me the fuck alone’ would be wonderful.
Maternal Mirth: *snigger*
Babychaos: A holy one? Really? Cool.
Kath: If my kids bought me one I would have bashed them around the head with it. But then I don’t want one. Like I didn’t actually WANT a George Foreman grill for Valentines Day…
Jen: Groveling only happens when you put the fear of death in them. Have you done that yet? need some tips?
The Planet of Janet: Mmmm iphone. MPS is all ‘I get good presents for your mother all the time I deserve an iphone’ to Moo and she is all ‘yeah, no’.
Shamelessly Sassy: Considering the clean house would have to be done by you the day before, I would go the Wii…
Marita: 1. Squeeeeee at the shoes! 2. Happy Birthday Annie! and 3. postpone Mothers day. That way they can get cards and shit on sale and you get more!
Kelli: Your ideal mothers day sounds like mine. Your normal one is EXACTLY like mine. But not this year! I have a blog and I am not afraid to use it for mass humiliation.
Huckdoll: and to you too! What a fab idea, perhaps make one for the teachers too.
Magpie: might have to buy her something now… there is a white box in Moo’s room!!!!!!! Not that I am snooping or anything. It is clearly visable under the piles of clothes in the corner of her cupboard….
Anja: and you will get even more bitter once you have children.
Jean: Doesn’t matter how many times you tell em. Men think breathing = horny. Or naked is an invitation.
OH. My. Gawd…
“I need a tissue? It is here before I realize I need it.”- You are hilarious!
LMAO that you took a photo of the socks on sale at the store
Hope you get it all plus the egg McMuffin
I SO want that Wii fit…guess I would have to get the console first though.
I hope you have the best mother’s day, Kel.
Mothers Day…well nobody deserves it more than you!
I am thinking poached eggs, yolk still a little runny on an English muffin with wilted baby spinach and mushrooms, juice, latte and chocolate dipped strawberries.
Hello!
Me want. but, I’ll take the McDonald’s take out, too.
Happy Mother’s day, girlie. xo.
Sandy: You know what is cracking me up? You Americanized ‘realise’ into ‘realize’ did you realise that you even did that? Hope yours is awesome too my lovely.
Tiff: Come over anytime and we can play it together. With Midori Splices in our sports bottles.
VE: *boggle* were you like, being nice, or is there something I am not quite grasping here…
Ann: You too sweetie. And breakfast sounds fab doesn’t it. I got my camera all ready to document the day.
Happy Mothers Day, hon x
Guess what I did last night? I taught my children how to make bacon and egg muffins.
I’d better damn well get some for breaky in the morning!
I HAVE THOSE FUZZY SOCKS!
They are the coolest. Happy Slave Labour Day!
Karen: thanks babe! Hope yours was awesome too!
Bettina: *snort* today I taught Boo how to use the vacuum!
Mr Lady: Now I do too! We are like twins or something…
lmao!!
You’ll be getting woken up by telly tubbies trying to vac your face off in the middle of the night now!
LMAO – there is no one like you Kelley !
Glad you had a great one …
that’s one thing to be grateful for I suppose…
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