Everywhere I look bloggers are bragging about meeting other bloggers and going to freaking BlogHer.
Biatches.
As I sit in my lounge room in the middle of freaking NO WHERE in Australia I get more and more bitter. And drunk. How am I going to achieve my dream of world domination with blogger block sucking out my snarkiness so I sound like a neutered chihuahua, and a head full of snot.
While I was hacking up a lung – such a lovely look, but my red splotched face complimented the cute red flats I am wearing so it is all good – I came up with a plan.
An awesome plan.
*insert evil laugh here*
Round up my biatches and get them to take me to BlogHer with them!
Firstly I spent a good few hours with my kids standing by, the bunny wearing a quizzical look, trying to stuff myself into a suitcase. Well more like hand luggage, cause this biatch ain’t going in the luggage compartment. I wants me some complimentary champagne (cause in my mind all bloggers travel first class) and peanuts.
But I kept getting my boobs stuck in the zipper, and whilst entertaining for my bastard children, I am thinking my yelps would perhaps raise the suspicion of the baggage handlers.
So if I can’t physically smuggle myself there, and I am just too freaking lazy to invent a teleporter thingy, I had to come up with another plan.
I listed my kids on Ebay. I just wanted enough to pay for a ticket to San Francisco and a pair of new shoes. Even the body snatchers weren’t willing to come up to my reserve. My kids have some awesome kidneys people! And their lungs are barely freaking used!
Arsehats were all ‘we can just snatch unsuspecting tourists off the beach woman, we don’t need your freaking expensive livers’ even when I offered to throw in a nice Chianti and some fava beans…
Another plan needed to be devised.
So after bribing begging pleading threatening speaking to some of my lovelies they have graciously accepted my challenge, I am going to BlogHer!
Wanna be in on the action? Wanna be in such great company as:
Jenny The Bloggess – I pink puffy heart her. She talked about Ninja’s in her last post. I want to have her babies. Little Ninja babies with her wit and my shoes.
Jessica @ Oh The Joys – like one of the coolest chicks I know. And Hot. So that would make her warm or like the flu or something. But good like. I think. My brain hurts. Oooh look, something shiny!
Erika @ Plain Jane Mom – this chick is awesome. Each week she is dedicated to finding fabulous posts from other bloggers. So that makes her like Mother Teresa or the Pope or something. But not scary looking. Or dead.
Sarah @ Slouching Mom – oh how I love my Sarah. Her posts are always amazing and make me feel a little illiterate like with all my like, swearing and shit. And like, talking like a like, Valley Girl or something. Like. Oooh! Something shiny!!!
Stimey @ Stimeyland – She has one of the first blogs I started reading religiously. And Stimey keeps telling me I am fabulous. So who can’t adore a chick with such fantastic taste. I mean come on! She is awesome.
All these amazing gals have agreed to take a picture of me to BlogHer with them. And stick me to their coffee cups (mmm coffee..) during the BlogHer sessions and their wine glasses (*swoon* wine) during the mad booze ups late night get togethers.
Will you take me too?
If you are going to BlogHer:
Email me at take.me.to.blogher (at) gmail (dot) com and let me know if you will deign to help a biatch out. I will email you a pic (a slightly larger version of my avatar, or the one of me scarfing chocolate) closer to the date. So you don’t lose it or forget or whatever. Then I will add you to my sidebar of my gorgeous lovelies taking me to BlogHer.
And what is even better you will be able to find other like-minded chicks to hang out with just by spying me on their cup, or emblazoned across their chest or whatever. Talk about an ice breaker! You can do like a secret handshake or phrase like ‘Hey biatch!’ or ‘Nice shoes!’ or ‘Oh. My. God. Kelley is so freaking awesome isn’t she? If she had a cult or something I would so totally sell everything just to follow her and lick her shoes’
Or not.
If you are NOT going to BlogHer (or if you are and wanna help me get more lovelies to join in the fun!):
You can still help me out. Cause you know you want to. Yes you do. Cause you love me. Yes. You. Do.
Ask your wonderful readers to email me at take.me.to.blogher (at) gmail (dot) com if they are going to BlogHer and wanna help out a caffeine fulled shoe obsessed Aussie Chick.
And you will get some linky lovin’ in my sidebar too. Letting the world know how awesome you are. Cause you are.
Oh, and did I tell you you are looking hawt today? Like, if I was into chicks I would totally be into you. And guys, you are totally on my guys-that-I-want-to-worship list. I have the hooker boots and the body paint all ready.
Here are some purdy buttons to chuck on your blogs to show your lurve… and link back to this post or your own pimping me out.
{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Kel,
we can’t have you catching those things in the zipper…
I am not a grrl so the chances of me going to BlogHer are fairly slim… but if I was, I would surely take you with me 🙂
Good luck with it!
Best regards, Andrew
I wish I could go too 🙁 Brad said I should go, but I cant justify it, considering we are moving to San Francisco later in the year.
Hey, if we DID go, we could share a fabulous el cheapo room! But hey, they shoes would be amazing! 🙂
That’s no fair!!! I wanna go too! Biatch!
I’m about four of my sappy posts away from having estrogen levels high enough for me to qualify, when that happens, I’ll hook you up.
Andrew: Well you can always pimp me out on your blog to your US chicks. I know I can’t be your only internet admirer…
Goaldeebug: Or you could go over early and then wander the streets pimping my cause with one of those sandwich boards. Or dressed as a hooker. Your choice..
Mrs Schmitty: *snigger* if only I could be there in person!
Xbox4NappyRash: C’mon, you can do it anyway. A post about taking me to BlogHer amongst all that angst. It’ll be fun!
huh?
Is this some american thingy thing?
Yeah I know. what can I say. I don’t poke my head up to look at the cool kids ponds that often.
all i can say is that you better hope that i don’t hide in my hotel room the whole time. i’m thinking that you don’t want to come just to get a most excellent view of the ice bucket and plastic cups wrapped in paper, am i right?
xo
I so wish I was going. LE SIGH.
(I’m a week or two late on my USA TOUR OF DOMINATION. Boo!)
Hey, fellas, men can go to BlogHer. You don’t have to have estrogen to get in the door.
I’m not going to have as much fun as you want since I don’t go out drinking, but I’ll sure take you along with me. I’ll even take your photo having fun in lots of places. So send me whatever I need to make it happen. Maybe you’d like to stay a few days after and see the sights in SF with me, too?
You are such a nut! If I was going, you know I’d take you. *smootches*
I will be honored to carry you with me as I make an ass of myself all over San Francisco.
I would love having you with me! I’m totally stealing one of those buttons right now. And I will for sure be taking some Aussie Cadbury with me, cos the American stuff tastes like crap.
If I could, I’d buy you the plane ticket. But I can’t, so will some Entrecredits do instead?
BTW…
Tag you’re it!
You’ve been tagged for a meme. If you’d like to participate, the details are here.
http://www.randomblatherings.com/blog/2008/05/kathy-tagged-me-for-a-meme-so-here-goes/
I hope you enjoy it, and I look forward to reading your answers. 🙂
When Blogher makes it to Denver, you are coming. We need to go drinking. ; )
SHUT UP.
Why is this the funniest thing ever? Why are you SO MUCH MORE hilarious than me? I. Hate. You.
PS: I could DRIVE to Blogher and yup, still not going.
Dude, I’ll take you too! Whoo-hoo!
I’ll put you on my wine glass, but you better not crawl in.
You are so cracking me up. I’m totally printing out extra pics and posting them in the bathroom. As a tribute tho…not an insult.
I’m not going (being, y’know, a boy) but I do intend to crash as many parties as possible, since I live her already. Babysitters and wife permitting, of course…
You’ll be with me in spirit. Like a swizzle stick.
oh, man. i WANNA go.
i could be CLOSE enough to go.
but … alas … i’m not going.
otherwise, i’d TOTALLY take you with me.
I’m not going, for lots of reasons, but for now, I’ll just blame my empty bank account…
However, I’m always lookin’ for new fodder… I’m *so* putting you in my sidebar 🙂
Good luck!!!
(edited: screw it! I can’t get the button in my sidebar, so I’ll just give ya your own post… http://jodiebsblog.blogspot.com/2008/05/psa.html )
I would so love to go. The worst part is I’m a travel agent, so I keep looking up the fares to San Francisco several times a day and going, ‘Nup. Still can’t afford it.’
I’m thinking there are so many Aussie bloggers nowadays that we could have our own BlogHer conference Down Under. How about Port Douglas? Or the Barossa Valley? Or Club Med Lindeman Island?
Ok… my “edited comment was marked as spam. If this is in error, please contact the admin.”
aarrrgggghhhhh!!!
I’m tryin’… I really am!! 🙂
http://jodiebsblog.blogspot.com/2008/05/psa.html
(my sincere apologies if *three* comments show up… I’m havin’ a hard time here…)
Apparently, today just is NOT my day to be all fancy and proper and shit, so I’ll just tell ya to read my post called “PSA”
(tried linkin’, tried copying a button, tried standing on my head and chanting in Hindu, but it just ISN’T workin’! got chocolate?!?!?!?!?!)
Y’know, this could end up backfiring badly on you. I mean, what if people just stick your photo to their jeans pockets and run around yelling, “Kiss my ass, MBT!” ??? 😀
In all seriousness, awesome idea!
I’m not going.
And seriously? I’m not even sad about it. Because I’m much more likeable online than in person.
Everyone is good at something, right?
I’m not going to blogHer, but if you send me a picture, you, me and Annie can have a three-way.
Woman, you are the funniest person, I ‘know’ you make me laugh so hard!
Obviously not going but I wish you could. How cool would that be?
Like Moo said, I’m much more likable online, plus, you know, I’m a shut in and all. 🙂
Award for you over at my place, cos, i really do luv you.
Pardon my ignorance, but, er, wtf is blogher?
Yeah, I’m not too clear on what blogher is either,although I do have a vague idea. It’s a bunch of bloogers getting together for fun and chat at a pre-arranged venue? Yes? Because that would be awesome fun and you should totally go even if it’s only in photos on coffee mugs form. Photos on t-shirts, on shoes, on hats and handbags. One way, or another, you’re gonna get there. Wait for the Aussie blogher movement to start up and go to it, you’ll rock their socks off.
if I was going I would take you … only you can pull this off – you and your shoe/coffee and chocolate loving army.
Send me a naked photo of yourself. I’ll take it EVERYWHERE with me…
Bettina: Yes it is my lovely. We need to get us some binge drinking dancing on tables in the name of bloggy edumacation here in Oz baby!
Slouching Mom: As long as I am with you we will have a blast! Just don’t get my hair wet K?
Alyndabear: Major suckage there babe.
Virginia: Awesome! Can’t wait to go traveling with you. Don’t forget the latte stops.
Meg: *gaffaw* oh the fun we would have babe!
Stimey: Just remember to make an ‘arse’ of yourself, not an ‘ass’. You are in the company of an Australian.
Missy: Phew! Glad you remembered the chocolate. Thanks for taking me babe!
Solomon: Will be over ASAP. And you know I love ya.
Jen: More like when I win a bajillion dollars…
Mr Lady: Hmmm, why not? C’mon biatch spill your guts.
WhyMommy: Awesome. I can’t wait to share a drink with you. Take lots of photos of me smootching you.
Jenny: In your bathroom? Please tell me that your toilet is In. Other. Room. Oh and by the way, this morning while you were in the shower you missed a bit behind your ear. And I am loving the smell of that body wash!
DooDaddy: You know that boys are allowed. You can go with me anyway, just say that you are my carer. *gaffaw*
The Planet of Janet: Don’t be sad. You can still pimp me babe 😉
Jodie: Bwaaaa haaa haaaaaa! That was like watching a car accident, I just couldn’t look away… will be over in a sec.
Stella: Or my backyard. We have awesome playground equipment (disability equipment so in-des-truct-able!) and MPS makes a mean latte…
Naomi: As long as I get photos of said arse kissing I am happy, *snort*
Moo: I am even more awesome offline. I like stare at myself in the mirror and go ‘God I can’t believe how awesome you are’ and blow kisses and stuff…
Iceel: Congratulations. You are the proud winner of the OMG-spurt-wine-all-over-the-screen-and-myself award for today.
Tiff: Be over soon, open the door for me OK. I promise I won’t let the world in… *gaffaw*
Tracey: Sorry it is a booze up of bloggers. Excuse me, what? Huh? OH! Um, I mean it is a very important learning experience for bloggers to learn how to pole dance, um I mean, make the most of blogging…
River: Yeah, and I will wear a Dooce tshirt to it! Bwaaaaa haaaa haaaaaa!
Babyamore: Fingers crossed! I hope so.
Mr Fab: Sheesh, you have a picture of my boobs… what more do you want??
This is such a fabulous idea! Love it, I’ll be glad to take you! This way I’m certain not to lose my wine glass!
I’m afraid the USA Homeland Security has informed me that even to take one of your nifty blog campaign thingys will require a passport, visa, 17 letters of recommendation, a note from your mom and mandatory strip searches at all airplane destinations. Welcome to the USA though…
Waah. Can’t go either. ‘Sallright. I’m sort of afraid of California. I hear it’s all shaky and stuff. Hmmmm…anyone think they’ll ever hold a BlogHer in Toledo??? ‘Cuz I would so. be. there!
“Sniff”
I wanna go to BlogHer too….I feel so unpoopular not going 🙁 *sobs*
You & I should have totally hung out there!
I’ve added your banner to my sidebar at Momisodes!
I’m not going either, I’m too poor.
We should do some sort of blog carnival for everyone who isn’t going so we can feel special too!
There are times, it sucks to be here in Australia, because we don’t exist to SOME countries 😛
Or does that mean it’s other countries that suck? No idea.
Anyways, good on you for getting there anyway you can, you go girl 😛
I’ve done two family posts in a row, so I think I might be qualified to go.
Jennifer: Fabulous! I am partial to red wine, but I will allow white…
VE: Do I have to strip search you? I don’t know if I could stomach it…
Greta: I am all ‘is it in California?’ yes, I am that clueless..
Sandy: smootches. You are now on my ‘Bloggers I want to lick’ list. With Ree
Gina: That would be fantastic. We should talk.
Suze: *gaffaw* Oh I hear ya!
Diesel: You know guys can go. But then again given the estrogen you have been splashing your blog with I think you should send Grundir. They may mistake you for a woman.
I don’t go to BlogHer … maybe one day. I’ll support you, nonetheless, like an 18 hour bra – no, wait – 21 hour. I’ll give you an extra four more hours of support (and no poking you with underwire).
BlogHer sounds like my worst nightmare. Meeting people? In a strange social setting? And they’re all female? And I’d have to talk to them? OMG. I think that would finally crack me. I’ll think of you tonight when I have my Jack and CokeZero. I’ll even toast to you. But that’s as far as it goes.
I think I am going to BlogHer next year.
Girl,
I’m kinda jealous you never asked me.
I’d so do dirty things to your pic while I was at blogher.
Sniff.
Pout.
Sniff.
Well of course I will! 🙂
I’m half dead and half asleep right now, but I will do everything I need to tomorrow…
email, etc. 🙂 woot!
Holy shit.
I had no idea you were doing this.
I was going to do exactly.the.same.thing.
FUCK ME IN THE GOAT ASS.
*cries*
Glad I saw this post before I went public with it and sounded like a COMPLETE COPYING ASSHOLE.
*cries some more*
oK sweet, I will take you. And have a drink in your honor. Grabbing a pic of you and wish you could go, you sound like a blast.
(found you from Missy’s blog, after I clicked on the badge in her sidebar…just hopping around)
T.
What fun!! Count me in! I’ll have to figure out a way to keep you with me the whole time, probably the camera bag. 😉
I’ll take you. Putting the button on my blog for you!
Ok, I got it up!! (That sounds dirty, heh.)
I was thinking a photo card that I could face towards the speakers…
I’ll take you!
LOL! You are so silly. I’m not going either and I’ve been a bitter biatch too. Luckily I have a friend taking me to BlogHer as well, lol! I could use more lovelies!
I emailed you.
However I’ll have to be the one holding your hair while you vomit, since I’ll probably be the only sober lady taking you.
does this mean i will get to drink with you FOR REAL? err– i mean, MEET YOU?