The 10 Commandments

Remember on New Years Eve, while sitting in the sweltering heat, getting drunk on my own while MPS was out ‘doof doofing’ aka DJing at a club, on our anniversary no less, I wrote a little post about the 10 Commandments I was going to enforce in the coming year?

Well lets just see how they are coming along hey?

Chez Magneto Bold 10 Commandments – May update:

1. Thou shalt not sit on the toilet with the door open, fan off, and use all the fucking paper without replacing the roll.

And no freaking using-up-to-the-last-square-and-then-ripping-some-off-the-new-roll- so-you-don’t-have-to-replace-it shit. Or I will whip you with the toilet brush. Just after I have cleaned the toilet.

Oh, and while I’m on the subject. For all that is good on God’s green earth FLUSH! There is nothing worse than someone else’s piss splash back.

Hmmmm, well tonight I needed to ‘use the facilities’. I went into the main bathroom. A turd smiled up at me while it was bobbing with its friends, the excrement covered paper on the floor beside the brown streaked blanket. I decided to go to the ensuite instead. Distinct smell of urine and No. Fucking. Paper.

So we can safely say Commandment numero uno has been broken.

2. Thou shalt not complain that you have nothing to wear and then empty your floordrobe in the laundry, expecting The Almighty Mummy to wash it all. Including the shit that is still freaking folded. Be warned, you pull that crap and I will return it to your room. After I have farted on it.

I better stock up on beans cause I gotz me a lotta farting to do. My biatches emptied their floordrobes in the laundry today.

3. Thou shalt do what I say. When I say. End of conversation. I can rain war and pestilence and no freaking phone credit or internet access on your arse.

Well even I will concede that those were lofty goals…

4. Thou shalt not touch Almighty Mummy’s computer. Unless given permission. And asking me while I am half asleep or before my first bucket-o-latte does not constitute permission. I am not held responsible for anything I say during these times. Or when I am holding new shoes. I am speaking in tongues, not saying yes to you.

I can give a big ol’ tick for that one. And a smiley face. Got nothing to do with the fact that the biatches got new computers for Christmas that were upgraded a few days later…

5. Thou shalt open freaking EYES or move shit when looking for things. Standing in the middle of the room waiting for said item to jump out at you will not work. Unless it is the back of my hand. That’ll work.

Still working on. But it has been mad fun saying ‘here it is!’ and wacking them upside the head. While wearing some big arsed rings.

6. Thou shalt put away clothes properly. This does not mean the end of the bed or on the floor. Unless it is in your own room. Then I don’t give a shit what you do as long as said clothes do not end up back in the laundry. See Commandment #2.

again… see Commandment #2.

7. Thou shalt not ask for money within 6 hours of saying no to the Almighty Mummy. The Almighty Mummy has a looooooong freaking memory. Any reference to elephants will end in tears. Yours. When I take away your ipods and replace your Emo music with my favourite techno. (this will be hard to enforce as we actually like the same music)

I have circumvented this one with ‘Get a job!’ to Moo. Too has a shiteload of money. I often run to The Bank Of Too when I haven’t had a chance to get to the ATM.

8. Thou shalt do homework before playing on the computer. Oldest infidel, you are in VCE now. You have homework every night. Yes you do. I will ring your teachers. And invite them over. And they will come cause I can be very persuasive. Infidel-that-was-born-second (cause apparently ‘middle child’ fucks up psyches or somesuch. I prefer using my own methods) you don’t get off easy. Your friends got more honours than you did last year. What the fuck? I don’t care that you got six A’s and the rest were B’s. More study for you. *snort*

Internet has been ‘limited’. Fuckers got around it by playing Sims.

9. Thou shalt not walk in the room and start talking at me when I am blogging. This really really pisses the Almighty Mummy off. You will walk in, kneel on the floor with eyes averted until your presence is acknowledged. Wear knee pads. It could be a long wait.

This commandment rocks. They walk in, they speak, I point to the ground and they wander off mumbling something about ‘loser’ or whatever…. fuck me dead I just lost The Game…. and so did you.

10. Thou shalt love everything that I cook. And then praise the Almighty Mummy for her culinary prowess, even if it is soup. From a can. That you reheated yourself. I bought the bastard and you will bow to me.

Bowing is a bit light, but they ain’t whinging. As much.

11. Thou shalt not stand in front of a full fridge and/or pantry and bitch that there is nothing to eat. I am not a fucking mind reader and the store doesn’t stock ‘I don’t know’. I asked. They don’t. Have an apple.

This one is still doing my fucking head in. I even drag them to the supermarket with me and they are all ‘I dunno’ and ‘chocolate!’ and shit.

So I buy shit loads of apples. With a sign on the fruit bowl ‘Fresh and tasty I don’t know’

Problem solved.