We are obsessed with all things smelly in the Magneto Bold house.
Farts, letting fluffy off the chain, ‘Vince’ (when you let one rip you yell out Vince), cutting the cheese.
Poo, bowel movements, dropping the kids off at the pool, laying a cable, giving birth to a public service manager, touching cloth.
They all make us snigger.
Fecal murals, shit and toothpaste, Boo’s school having to buy emergency air freshener, farting so loud that he scared a bird – he was inside, the bird outside, songs to wipe my sons arse by, the social story I had to write for him… my blog is full of examples.
Yes, we are a family of 5 year old boys.
But it wasn’t always this for me. As a child I was not allowed to say ‘bum’ or ‘fart’, it was bottom and fluff. And only if absolutely necessary. I never heard my father break wind, and I am sure he didn’t take a dump in the 18 years that I was home.
And bodily functions were never, ever discussed. Like ever.
When I got my license and my first car I would drive down to the end of the driveway, hang my head out the window and scream ‘bum fart’ to my father, who would, smiling, shake his fist at me whilst shaking his head.
Kids these days.
My brother and I would secretly tell fart jokes and laugh and laugh. Till I peed a little and he would fart and then we would laugh and laugh until I vomited.
Good times, people, good times.
But because of this upbringing I was unable to let fluffy off the chain unless I was alone. Things like school camp, holidays with friends or family would render me writhing in pain. Unable to get any relief and feel like Violet from Willa Wonka.
I had managed to live with MPS for 5 years, have 2 children and never EVER break wind in his presence.
Until one day when I had to. Laying in bed after major abdominal surgery. I could not get up. He would not leave. I had eaten a shit load of fruit. So I placed my hands over his ears and took a while to over come the stage fright before finding relief.
I fell asleep with my hands over his ears.
I married a man who farts anywhere. As do his family. His mother actually farted in my mothers face once. In her defence MOTY was leaning down to take something out of the oven and MPS’s mother let rip centimeters away from her face.
A smelly one too. You can imagine MOTY’s face after she regained consciousness…
So what spawned this fart filled post?
This.
I played it over and over. And then over again.
Smootches to MyStarbucks for posting it first. It cracked me up. Like lots.
{ 38 comments }
That one I watched once. This one, over and over
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLj-I68hj9Q
Cracks me up every time.
I must be a five-year-old boy, too, because that video made me giggle. ;^)
Fecal murals?
I gots to show the pink shirted love slave that one! lmao
Oh, too funny – both the post and the video! The mother in law thing was hysterical! I can’t even imagine your mom’s face!
Very, very funny. Of course, in our house, with three sons and me …… the words ‘pull my finger’ could clear a room in no time flat.
Very funny Kelley The MIL fart was totally awesome I bet.
I have to laugh about farts because with twins in nappies I get double the mileage … the amount of times I have dropped a stink bomb and someone has said … ‘who needs a nappy change’ I couldn’t begin to count.
If I have to ‘cut the cheese’ in public I grab one of them quickly.
My Dad was the king of Farts and he didn’t care where he ‘cut the cheese’.
Thanks My starbucks is hilarious.
OMG! She farted in your mothers face? eek! How very unfortunate…for both :/
LMAO at that Bud Ligh clip! I’ve never seen that one before
It is so nice to meet someone who grew up using the word “fluff”. No one here has a clue what I’m taking about. I finally had to allow my son to say fart, his friends were picking on him. Thanks for the laugh.
Would love to swop fecal mural stories with you sometime – i have many!!
But am taking a blogging break. Keep up that laughter – its good for the soul!
All the best x
I have a sense of humour.
I can not under any circumstances laugh at fart jokes.
that said, the mother in law thing nearly got me fired while reading it at work today. I pissed myself.
Aaaah, love a good fart joke. There are lots flying round our house, despite being a majority of girls!
LOVE IT!
And how about: stepping on a duck and crop dusting? We’re all about farts and poop (pinching off a loaf) here. Life with two boys…
That video is hysterical. I got it via email the other day. I laughed so hard!!! I grew up in a famiy where we were to say BM and expel air. ???? um, okay. Poo and fart crack me up, too.
oh.my.gawd.
can’t.stop.laughing.
i live with the fart kings. i married one, gave birth to at least one other.
we’re fun at parties.
So funny!
DH loved it.
House of 3 males here so we live the life of gas – though it is little Miss B-B who is the champion at the moment, the way she starts everyday, a stretch and a bit of bugle-but! … pmsl
I laughed until I wet my pants. That is the dumbest video but I sure loved it.
In my oh so tedious occupation, I am always knee deep in crap for asking the wrong questions.
After some poor bastard has gone under the knife, often they have issues cranking out a bog bastard. And moi, who is always in the shit, only the depth varies often gets chastised by the senior surgeons for asking questions like:
“Have you hung a turd today?”
Gebus, it’s kid’s ward. They look at you kinda vacantly when you ask “Have you opened your bowels today?”
To a 9 year old kid that sounds like,
“Have you ripped out your bowel and taken a peek inside?”
But I do try to be more ‘professional’ in the adult wards. (you may stop sniggering now)
We had an elderly woman who had constipation up to the eyeballs, and she had been given metamucil, coloxyl, everything short of a gunpowder enema to shift that megaturd. One of the nurses gives her a potion of every laxative known to mankind and some chocolate bullets to munch on after ingesting the foul brew.
I ask her the next day,
“Mrs. *****, have you had any progress in opening your bowels?
She looks at me gleefully and says,
“Opened them! I think I shit King Kong and the Empire State building”
It’s so hard to suppress the urge to piss yourself laughing, sometimes.
Oh mah holy hell. The laughing made me, um, pook. (Because the word fart is just too 3rd grader!)
witchypoo: Oooh that was hilarious! Now watching all the fart Youtubes…
Beth: glad to see I am in good company.
Mr Fabulous: But of course! The latest designer look.
Bettina: love slave in a pink shirt. An oxymoron?
Madmad: Funnily enough, they never got along…
Iceel: *snort* when my brother had friends over it would clear the house.
Trish: *boggle* you use your children as decoys??? I would never do something like that *snigger*
Sandy: to this day MOTY thinks it was on purpose. A statement if you like…
Jean: Oh and we used to say ‘nuggets’ for poo. Was hilarious when they brought out a cereal called ‘golden nuggets’ my brother and I nearly died laughing in the supermarket with my mother sporting a cats bum face.
Casdok: Will miss your wonderful posts, but totally understand. I am terrified of that stage of life for Boo. Will be thinking of you.
XboxforNappyRash: well that was a fart joke. So gotcha. Farts are funny.
Guera: Boys think they have the market cornered. You should hear one of my girlfriends! In MCDONALDS no less! I fell to the pickle encrusted floor.
Jen: Stepping on a duck and crop dusting? Well I never…
Ann: I think the more sheltered the childhood the bigger the reaction..
The planet of Janet: MPS is world re-known for lighting his fart and setting fire to his arse.
Angel: What a sweet little angel girl. *snort*
Mary Nacey: Funny stuff. When he said he was going to drop the kids off at the pool I lost it. My dear old Auntie says that!
Anja: *gaffaw* I love old people like that!
Ree: Pook? C’mon release your inner 3rd grader.
OMG you’re only the 2nd person I’ve heard use the word “Vince”!
Around here the menfolk of The Tribe “drop their guts”.
Thanks for the vid, lmfao.
Ah yes, we weren’t allowed to say fart either. If Mum suspected that one of us had let a silent but deadly rip, she very nicely asked us if we needed to go to the toilet. Fair dinkum, can’t a girl just have a no-strings-attached fart?????
And love the video, very good. Then I went on to You tube for the aerobics one and got stuck watching all the others. Very funny. I laughed like a 5 year old boy. Just don’t tell my son about those videos on You Tube.
And no, boys don’t have the market cornered – we just let them think they do.
A no-strings-attached fart. *falls off chair*
That’s farkin’ brilliant.
Jayne: Yes the girls discovered the joys of Vince when we lived in the middle of nowhere, Horsham. About the only *gaffaw* worthy memory of that horrible place (apologies to those from there, it was a shithole, but pretty)
Gemisht: *snort* I got stuck on Youtube and started watching all the vomiting ones too.
Anja: LOL, I have this image of you falling off your chair, farting and then rolling all over the floor.
In our house the girls fluffed and the boys popped off. Always seemed a bit odd to me since it was exactly the same…er…product.
My wife has perfected the art of the non noisy toxic gas emission version. We always blame the dog.
River: Like the whole underwear thing isn’t it? I had ‘frillies’ and my brother ‘underpants’ same freaking thing really! He is in the Navy now so probably wearing frillies.
Colin: Alas no dog here. Could blame the rabbit or MPS’s favourite the ‘barking spiders’
That video is priceless. My parents were divorced when I was growing up. My dad didn’t mind breaking wind in front of us or discussing it. However, in my mother’s house you were absolutely not allowed to break wind unless you were in the bathroom. So we would come home from his house after a week or two there discussing the smells of poots and laughing about them,which made my mother want to strangle us. But it was all pretty hilarious. To this day, we still taunt her with this.
hahaha. Violet! You’re turning violet, Violet!
we are all about the farts over at case de martell too
Thanks for the education babe – I must have been living under a rock
“cutting the cheese”, “dropping the kids of at the pool” I had no idea… So glad my kids never did squad training – could have been embarrassing. LMAO at your MIL 
During the many many hours my brothers and I killed riding in the back of my parents’ lavender mini-van with the pink swirly pinstripe, we would sub out all of their favorite songs with fart lyrics. My parents loved Roy Orbison best of all.
Anything you want
You fart it
Anything you need
You fart it
Anything at all?
You fart it
Baaaaaaabbbbyyyyyyyy
LMMFAO!!!! I’m evidently a 5 year old as well.
And your poor mom!
LOL – I can’t wait to share that with my sister.
Amanda: you sound like my kinda chick. Nothing like tormenting the parentals.
Ali: Sad isn’t it. Instead of discussing world issues we say ‘hmmm, that smells like corn chips’
Meg: sheltered life my dear. Touching cloth is one of my favourites, courtesy of my crazy auntie.
Maggie, dammit: Firstly I lurve your name, cracks me up. And your comment? Bwaaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaa
Maria: She deserved it. Wish I could do it to her myself…
Magpie: *snort*
OMG – I just hacked up a lung reading and watching.
I AM a five-year-old boy. Or at least I played one on TV. We are fond of viewing each others turdage and popping into each others room at night to dutch oven other family memeers.
However….I am going to share a most intimate and deadly secret….farting into a pillow.
Fart into a couch pillow etc. without anyone else seeing you. Then walk up to one of the kids and point the pillow where you farted and ask “Hey! Is this new cologne/perfume I smell here? What is it?” The methane gas is concentrated into that one small area and it is hot and stinky enough to singe your nose hair.
CAUTION – Methane is an asphyxiant and may displace oxygen in an enclosed space.
But it sure makes me pee my pants laughing!
I cannot believe I missed a farting post!! I thought I was on the early fart warning system…
CLASSIC POST!
My Dad had a story about this girl he dated once. They were taking a train to the city and as they walked up the steps, he walked behind her. At each step she let one rip, all the way up the stairs.
He could only be a gentleman fo rso long, and finally pissed himself so badly he had to sit on the steps to recover LOL
Clearly like pretty much everyone else commenting here, I have a mental age of three and a half years old. It made me laugh out loud.
Life is just too short for the embarrassment of trying not to fart in front of your nearest and dearest. Giving birth to a public services manager… that’s a classic.
Cheers
BC
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