are making my uterus blister.
It seems to be the right of passage of a mother.
My birth story is worse than your birth story sorta thing.
Whenever a woman gives birth they love to tell the story of the birth in minute detail. No mind that her grandfather has turned an unhealthy shade of grey, grandma has that purse lipped look of a cat about to defecate and her husband/lover/significant other is rolling their eyes at the over exaggeration of the PAIN! and SUFFERING! and the INEPTIUDE! of the nursing staff as she was FORCED! to deliver her own child by cesarean section with a rusty butter knife swiped from the food tray they brought for everyone else but her.
Oh and the STITCHES! and HAEMORROIDS! and PAIN!. And all without PAIN RELIEF cause she is a fucking hardcore hero.
Well guess what biatches? My birth stories are worse than yours (well except for Boo, that was a dream birth – planned caesar, bonding and feeding him while they stitched me up) my pain was worse, my doctors were complete and utter fuckwits – except for the anesthetist with Moo, he was faaaaabulous and looked just like Kenny Everett and I had visions of him jumping on the table screaming ‘all in the best poooossible taste!’ and he had druuuuuugs and shit loads of em! Which might or might not led to me thinking he was Kenny Everett…
And I died.
So there. Take that biatches.
I win.
Na na Nana na.
My anethestist.
So you think I should submit this to the carnival Lotus? Nah, I thought not *snort*
And just for the record, I didn’t actually die – I actually came very close – but I didn’t die. Cause then I wouldn’t be here writing this would I? If you do actually want to hear the birth tales let me know in the comments and I will bore you to death and make you want to rip out your brain and scrub it clean to remove the horrific images regale you with the tale.
{ 45 comments }
Go on, share it with us. You know we want to hear it.
I dunno, some birth stories are pretty awesome, but you have to know your audience. Mine for example are fabulous, but should never ever ever be told near a pregnant first-timer – my first birth was a real Keystone Cops experience, complete with breaking beds and shattered test vials (but ending up oh so lovey-dovey and empowering) and my second was born in the back seat of my car in the hospital taxi stand! If you tell them right they’re hysterical.
Oh, and glad you didn’t die
.
I dare you to submit it!!
Oh bring it on!
Not that I’m playing – My birth stories are a walk in the park compared to all that butter knife action.
Someone once asked me what giving birth was like… My reply was…
mmm, “Imagine shitting a watermelon whilst some bastard chainsaws your stomach open!!”
There you go Kelley I shared mine.. now you share yours..BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
cheers Kim xxx
Yeah, but were you back at work 3 days after a caeser? I didn’t think so
I love reading birth stories – not that I’m the slightest bit bitter after having 4 caesers, but I find them interesting. Go figure…
My first epidural was too high – felt like I couldn’t breathe. After the birth the prick came and said “I’ve got some bad news for you”. Turns out I’m negative, baby was positive & I had to have an injection of anti D (or something). Fucker! You just DON’T say “bad news” to someone that’s just had a baby. Like a tiny prick is going to worry me after all that….
It’s only been 17 years next month, you’d think I’d be over it.
To all those preparing to give birth; you’re going to die so just deal with it. Slap a lily in your hand, we’ll wheel you to the morgue – you’re going to die.
And epidurals? BEST drug known to man!!!!
hold on here…u mean to say that the stork has nothing to do with it?
my wife wanted me to be with her in the operation room when she delivers, which is in the next month; but i took a rain check….i think i hve done my bit of contribution to this whole thing…
Kelley, I am glad you didn`t actually die! Because then where would I get my daily giggles?!? I have read some of the other birth stories and sure everyone seems happy once the baby is in their arms but the part leading up to that scares the crap out of me….It sounds like your birth story would do nothing to deter my thoughts?!?
Tys….my fiancee does not like blood but if I ever have a baby I am making him be there. If I have to give birth then he has to be there….Is your wife understanding of your decision?!?! hehehehe…
I’m a little curious darling….do share.
Go on – tell us how you rose from the dead. That’s a good Easter story!
You died? That would explain a lot…
LOL! I haven’t seen Kenny Everitt for years….
bring it on, girlfriend!!!
Please don’t give us the real one. That one should live on forever as I imagined all the earth mothers out there spitting out their herbal tea as they read it.
but you should fucking hear mine!
Yowsers. Oh, go on. Please?
(p.s you feeling okay at the moment? Do you need hugs? Here’s some lovin’: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx)
You didn’t shit on the table. The beauty of a caesarean.
Why do they leave that detail out? *giggles*
When some earth momma wants to give me the placental ponderings of her pussy being pureed, I always have to ask…
So how big was the juicy turd?
Psst… you still have pussy moderation happening. Go the fucking irony!
You can’t do all that pushing without everything coming out.
Hehehe… Kelley, I would have so loved being in theatre when you were giving birth. It would have been a farkin’ hoot.
I wanna hear it, I wanna hear it! I love birth stories, all the gory details
I didnt shit when I gave birth but I did pee when I had Zack, oh, and Max shat all over me when he was born… his shits still go all over the feckin place when iI change him… it’s like he’s mocking me the little sod!
So, how much blood did you lose? Two liters here, hon. Talk about almost dying.
hehehehe I have just come back and watched all of the Kenny Everett clips… thanks heaps kelley..The look on parkys face is priceless…
cheers Kim xxx
Veronica: But do you REALLY?
Robin: I still win. Bwaaa haaaaaa haaaaa!
Casdok: You evil evil woman. I pink puffy heart you.
A: There are some truly hardcore people out there.
Kim: I liken it to trying to digest crushed glass.
Meg: No but I moved clear across the state 3 days later. I WIN! LMAO
Queen Goob: But apparently you are not hardcore unless you do the caesar yourself sans drugs.
Tys: Get in there you freaking wimp bastard. MPS looked over the curtain and said ‘Hey Kel! I can see INSIDE you!’
Lulu: Babe, this is what I am getting at. Some chicks lurve to go on about how hardcore they are. Look it is one day (if you are unlucky a few days) of pain for a lifetime of gut wrenching emotional terror.
Alison: Only a little curious?
Guera: Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaa!
VE: Yeah and Lucifer says hi. He is really looking forward to meeting you.
Solomon: Neither had I! But I swear this guy looked just like him.
Janet: I am afraid I am building up the story a bit. A you do…
Xbox4NappyRash: You should hear MPS’s version of it. She was in pain, they gave her drugs and then I had a nap.
Karen: LMAO. Nothing a good nights sleep and a rocket up my daughters arses wouldn’t fix. Thanks for the hugs.
Anja: Oh but I did my lovely… and so did Moo.
Marylin: You are a sick woman.
Magpie: SNAP! I mean, I like lost ALL MY BLOOD and then I had to go and steal some from all the babies that were getting their heel pricks done…
I think my tame little birth story (I thought it was tame. Only a few hours of actual contractions. Grocery shopping! Wet pants.) reduced the world population crisis by at least 2 or 3 kids (musta been the stitching part.)
Tell us. (Well, tell me anyway)
You died?!
Damn, I hate having the ending of a good story spoiled for me
Pop the popcorn and I’m there with bells on Mz Kelley
I am amused by this because I have a little note on my computer reminding me to write my birth stories to share on my blog. Maybe I’ll pre-warn you not to read.
On the plus side, I plan on going less for the “I’m heroic and suffered a great deal” and more for the “my water broke all over my doula’s face during my first delivery.”
True story.
If you don’t link this to the carnival? I will.
*snort*
I’ll admit to being curious about your birth story, but only because you have such… colorful… ways of expressing yourself. Most people start on the birth stories and that’s my cue to shoot myself with a tranquilizer dart.
Ree: I am thinking the suspense is better than the actual story.
Jayne: Pass me some of that popcorn. With salt. None of that icing sugar shit.
Stimey: Awesome! You had a doula? I am so jealous. I had my mother hysterically screaming the whole time.
Sarcastic Mom: *gaffaw*
Melain: Me too. I am all yawn yeah pain yada yada, what did you expect? Like a freaking paper cut?
Me too, me too! I wanna hear your story! Cos mine are so boring I haven’t bothered to write them. First baby, longish labour because I was misinformed about the whole pushing thing, 2nd, 3rd, 4th babies all popped out like peas from a pod. 3-4 hours labour, no dramas, one pethidine injection for each of the boys. That’s it. Home in 3 days, took the 2nd child grocery shopping on day 4 (with the 2year-old of course)and was told by many little old grandma types that I should still be in hospital.
I’ve been thinking of writing the story of my second birth, which goes something like this.
We drove to the hospital at 7:00 AM. At 8:00 AM, they escorted me to the operating room. At 8:30 AM they administered the epidural. At 8:45 AM they removed my son from my uterus and sewed all the appropriate body parts back together. At 10:00 AM I nursed him. End.
But something tells me that’s not what Lotus is looking for
@lulu : damn! u gals do know that I will faint, especially since shes going for a C-section. I will forever look at the baby and go ‘alien’
@kelly: iam chicken abt this…its one time the wife is gonna hate me intensely for wht shes going thru and there are knives there…not a great combination.
Bubba’s birth was OK but my recovery was awful. I don’t want to relive it through text! Moosie’s was fine, I recovered fine. You already saw his video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOa3Vho_Hww
I don’t know if I will ever finish Bubba’s cause it just wasn’t a positive time.
Good grief!!! You died? Honey, you have’splaining to do
And yes, you should totally submit!
Go on, now you gotta tell us. You can’t give us an ending like that without explaining it.
Both of mine were fairly uneventful, but both kids got the timing wrong.
Anja’s hilarious. I’ve never written mine, just the stats: 9#8oz no meds, 10#6oz, no meds, tubes tied.
River: Bitach. *snort*
Candy: Pretty much my third was like that. But with more conversation.
tys: Oh please take a camera in. I wanna see photos of you lying on the floor…
Ange: You can always turn shit around to be funny. You should hear the story of my MIL funeral, it is hysterical! (well now, wasn’t at the time…)
Sandy: No I didn’t die. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone cause then I won’t win the ‘my birth is worse than yours’ competition. I never win ANYTHING!
Gemisht: Might…
Deb: See, another freaking hero with no drugs. I had em all baby, even the ones I was reacting to.
See, I think mine are pretty darn tame – although I did end up with a broken tailbone. Meh – it happens. Still farkin painful – for a YEAR afterwards….! WTF?!
Anyways…..
@ Anja – is that how my midwife could tell I’d had roast chicken for dinner???
oh Kelly you are always telling it like it is and I bet yours would be a ripper to read.
You have us all is suspense.LOL at Guera’s comment.
Ok, I gotta hear this story now!
I’ll even let you win even if you didn’t actually die cos you is one funny biatch.
I don’t recall shitting with my babies but thanks for reminding me of that extra detail to terrify first time mothers with
mwaahaahaa
I may have passed a bowel motion, but I hear mine smell like roses !!!!!
One VBAC, and 3 c-sections. Great drugs.
And really, that’s all that matters. The great drugs.
I think my first pee after DS1 is probably a more intense memory than the birth.
Kelly: Well I am so not telling my birth story NOW! Seems all of my wonderful original maladies were not so freaking original after all…
Trish: believe it or not I was a shy and retiring soul at once stage.
Bettina: You are evil. I likes ya more now.
Widdle Shamrock: I hear ya sista. It is all about the drugs.
Emma: Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaa!
GAWD. Sorry to make your uterus blister.
Really? You died?
Kid #1… Water broke, nothing else happened. Got induced the next day, called the midwife names, discovered pethedine makes me spew, swore a bit. Just under 4 hours from start to finish.
Kid #2… Had contractions, ignored them, water broke, changed my mind about having a baby, dragged kicking, screaming and cursing to the labour ward. Discovered I couldn’t swear and suck on the gas at the same time. Chose to swear. Swore a lot. One hour and forty minutes of denial and cursing. Job done.
I am very efficient at having babies.
As somebody in their first pregnancy who is already bitching and complaining about it on an almost semi-professional basis there’s just NO WAY I’m going to go into giving birth remotely prepared for what’s about to happen. For a start, that would involve me hoisting in just exactly how much pain I am likely to be in during the whole process! Jeez! It’s scary enough without actually knowing… read somebody else’s experience…? You’ve got to be kidding.
BTW looking at the comments, I’m also glad you didn’t die and I was born in a hospital but only from the shoulders downwards, my head appeared in the car on the way!
Cheers
BC
You died? :O
You know mine already …. no dying, pretty straightforward.
#1 – 13 hours, pethidine, spewing, epidural, cutting – ouch
#2 – 4 hours, hospital for 20 minutes, no pain meds (no time), tearing – ouch
#3 – officially 56 minutes – at hospital for 4 hours, pethidine, spewing – no ouches at all afterwards really – felt fine – maybe because it was finally a pink one
xxx
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