I am channelling the devil.
This devil.
All that is evil in the world can be summed up in one word.
Martha-fucking-Stewart. Technically that is 3 words I know, but see how I put the little ‘-’ thingies in there? Makes it one word. Yes it does. Shit, I am awesome. I astound myself sometimes.
Look at that self satisfied smirk and those beady little eyes. You know she is thinking ‘You know I am better than you, I may make weird fucking shit outta dryer lint but you know you want to too’
Yes, Martha, I do.
I want the perfect Easter. Like Christmas and birthdays. Go look in the archives people, I am certifiable when it comes to the holidays and kids birthdays.
So when I googled, yes you think I would have learnt after the Hello Kitty debacle the other day, ‘Perfect Easter’ this biatch popped onto the screen and sucked out my brain.
And replaced it with Kelley happy homemaker. Who wants to blow eggs. Like, dozens of them.
I won’t say what MPS said, but he was not impressed. And a little jealous.
I mean what person in their right mind would make Egg ornaments?
Umm…
Moo decorated. I bought every freaking Easter egg in the known universe. And then had to scour other galaxies beyond the edge for more when they fucking melted in the heat.
Boo decreed that Easter is in fact on MONDAY, not Sunday and I cried thinking of how much money I would have saved if I waited to buy them on sale.
Too went Meh, whatever, just give me cash, I am going to my room to be all freaking Emo and shit and call me when the food trough dinner is ready,
and MPS rocked in the corner at all the cash I was spending.
Then we decorated eggs. Cause that is what you do.
There was the i egg…
Harry Pottegg…
Strong Badegg and Homestar runnegg (if you don’t know Homestar runner your life is empty)
Various purdy coloured eggs
and the Pièce de résistance…
the coffee bean egg
that has been dubbed the ‘vagina egg’ cause um, well it looks like it has a clitoris and I won’t let them call it that. And Vagina Egg rolls off the tongue so much better…
You think Martha would be proud? Or reaching for the smelling salts?
*******************
Will be drawing the winner of the pay it forward comp tomorrow sometime. Stay tuned! As well as continuing to fling the bling. I had some computer problems today so MPS on the threat of never having marital relations again if he didn’t fix the bastard kindly fixed everything for me, so I haven’t had a chance to visit all your blogs today. But I will be there ASAP.
If you are bored go and vote for me at the Bloggers Choice awards here, here and here or click on the humoUr blogs badge and find some cool blogs, not as awesomely fabulous as mine I concede, but you may be entertained while you wait. Or just hit refresh over and over and over like the stalker that I know and love. And if you vote for me I will put in a kind word with The Bun. I have his phone number you know, and I speak bunneh.
48 Responses to “I am channelling the devil.”
March 19th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Girl - you rock (or is that “blow”?)! Anyway I bow to your creativity. WAAAY cooler that Martha-(oopsIswore)-Stewart’s sterile creations.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Excellent!!
March 19th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
She has a criminal record you know! Should you be taking her advice?
Your eggs rock, by the way. Better than Martha’s perfect stinking eggs, any day! … and WTF were those garland things?
March 19th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
You are too fucking cool! LOVE the iEgg!!
Those wreaths scare me though. Way too freaky looking.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Martha looks like she had one of those garland things stuck up her…. Ask me a question.
So now that I have recovered from an empty life and know who Homestar Runner is, I congratulate you on your egg decoration. And blowing. Last time I tried to do that I went dizzy very quickly then fell down. The egg smashed and I didn’t have the energy to try again.
So Chez Magneto Bold Too is X rated now with all this blowing going on??????
March 19th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Hayden loves Martha, I am sure he wishes she was his Mummy.
I don’t mind the tree thing you got going there..the rest is a little scary for me
March 19th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
lmfao!!
You certainly do blow (in a rocking good way) lol
great job babe!
me? I got supplies then decided I couldn’t be fucked cos we aint gonna be home anyhow!
March 19th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
I have to pause for a second and let the wonder of the vagina egg sink in… And I know Homestar Runner, but I don’t really know who Martha-makeseveryoneswear-stewart is, I’ve heard the name before, but I have no idea who she is!
I get the feeling I don’t want to know too!
March 20th, 2008 at 1:57 am
You’re doing WHAT to eggs? I can imagine what MPS might have said - I know what I would have said - of course, suggestions like that almost always get me in trouble with Annie, but then, there are certain subjects about which I never seem to learn my lesson.
March 20th, 2008 at 2:42 am
I don’t decorate. Easter bunny comes and brings goodies, but that’s it. This year may be the first time we actually decorate eggs.
And thanks…now I need a shower after seeing M-F-S AND the vagina egg. LOL!
March 20th, 2008 at 2:49 am
HA! She does have a sadistic look about her… although I will admit that my obsession with green depression glass is SOLELY her fault. I love that shit.
AND I double your shout-out to homestarrunner.com, without Teen Girl Squad I would not survive! ARROWED!!
March 20th, 2008 at 2:49 am
“Pièce de résistance…” LMAO!
Don’t mind me and my $1 store bag o’plastic eggs
March 20th, 2008 at 2:50 am
Oh, and you’re blogrolled
March 20th, 2008 at 3:39 am
Hah, good one. I’ve finally graduated past the kids Easter decorate ordeal. Now they just want cash. What good little Americans…
I’ll bet I know what MPS said after the “Blow Eggs” comment…
March 20th, 2008 at 4:10 am
So…you’ve gone over to the dark side…
March 20th, 2008 at 4:48 am
I gave up on blowing eggs after I created a perfectly colored harlequin egg with black, purple, and red markers when I was in 6th grade. It took me 7 hours to do. It was beautiful.
My brother (dumbshit that he is) claims that he thought it was a regular hard-boiled Easter egg and broke it. (Um, a blown egg? WAY lighter than a hard-boiled egg, yes?)
My mother took his side. It was the last time I spent any time coloring eggs. Now they get dumped into a vat of food coloring and we call it good.
Me? Hold a grudge much? Why no, why do you ask?
March 20th, 2008 at 6:02 am
Shouldn’t the vagina egg be called “Ovum”? And I’m not going to make the joke about using some white frosting on it. I’m really not.
March 20th, 2008 at 6:12 am
Ok, so you can advise me on how to paint an egg… get me to the point where I can fertilise one and THEN I’ll be impressed….
March 20th, 2008 at 7:20 am
GEBUS… If the easter ‘bunny’ blows my eggs, I will put a farkin’ great hole in his sack.
March 20th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I have this love hate relationship with Martha….I look to her for creative ideas and then cursing her fucking existence when my shit doesn’t come out looking like hers.
March 20th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Kelley, those eggs you decorated are amazing! Girl, you have some real talent there. I just adore the iEgg with its little USB drive and Strongbad is pretty cool too.
March 20th, 2008 at 7:58 am
I’m not sure what to say. Part of me admires you. The rest of me is afraid. Very afraid.
March 20th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Shit woman! I’ve expended all my creativity making easter bonets for the parade at daycare. WTF? Shouldn’t they wait until the kids are old enough to do it themselves before they force us down this path?
Mind you, I have some craft activities for Hubby to do with the kids this weekend while I’m hibernating (study) or dying (flu).
March 20th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Okay, anyone that decorates for Easter has issues in my book!
The only decorating I do at Easter is my stomach!!! I line it with CHOCOLATE. LOL.
March 20th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Meg: Thanks. I so rock
Casdok: Shouldn’t that be Egg-cellent?
Goaldeebug: I assume they were her own eggs, bloated and empty like her head.
Robin: Moo saw them and said ‘We could make them Mum’ and then sent herself to her room…
Gemshit: It has always been X rated, you have just not noticed. As for Homestar, we love us some Homestar here, we have tshirts and toys and DVD’s…
Leigh: Oh it has been SO much worse! One year we made posters and bunny ears for all the toys.
Bettina: But how is the bunny gunna find you????
Kath: Do not go to her website. She will suck out your brains and force you to go to the nearest craft and hardware stores to spend your wine money on stupid shit that you won’t finish.
Iceel: That Annie is a patient saint of a woman. So much like me really… *snort*
Jen: Hope you had a long enough shower to remove the hopelessness and failure that M-F-S inflicts.
Sensitiva: I love you!!! Teen Girl Squad is AWESOME! I even have a tshirt with ‘I am in love with every boy’ on it. Boo likes me to sing Marizpans song about bees… and we have our own ‘Kick the Cheat’
Sandy: Piker. Come on over to the dark side… we have chocolate. Dark chocolate. And thanks for the blogroll add. Will have to get off my fat white arse and do mine!
VE: Yeah, Too just wants cash. Moo wants cash AND chocolate and Boo wants a hamburger. Weirdo.
Mr Fabulous: You coming with? I have some extras…
Ree: Babe, you are scaring me. Either you are a very well resourced stalker to know everything about me or we are the same fucking person. I knew there was a reason why I lurve you, it is like lookin’ in a mirror
Solomon: Bwaaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!
Xbox4NappyRash: Sorry mate. I have this little voodoo doll and I am not taking the pins out of the scrotum until I am finished fucking with your head. Seriously, I am sending baby vibes to you so freaking hard that a vein is popping out the side of my head and I will end up with ananeurysm…
Anja: *snort* the bunneh has a basket. Or were you referring to the other sack?
Alison: Photoshop does wondrous things…
Riayn: I can’t take the credit. I am just the art director. My minions do the work. MPS has a Fine Arts useless piece of paper and the kids take after him. I can draw stick figures.
Tracey: Cool. That is what I was aiming for. I want my peeps terrified of me, make sure you comment on every post or I will come and fuck with you in your dreams… bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa!
Kin: smootches babe. The flu sucks, and you are insane. Can you imagine the MESS that you will come out to if you let a man and kids loose with craft supplies?!?!?!
Lightening: How long have you known me???? Why are you surprised? *snort*
March 20th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Martha-fucking-Stewart. The technical term for that is “tmesis.”
Un-fucking-believable, I know. Makes me like the Martha-fucking-Stewart of word words.
Dd.
P.s. We made an egg wreath, too.
March 20th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Your eggs are wonderful. The iEgg complete with firewire? Divine.
March 20th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Shit a freakin’ brick. And I also rolled to the right to do it… I shall never read your blog without my contact lenses in place again.
I thought you said:
“I will fuck you in your dreams”
Then I re-read it and said to myself,
“fuck with or fuck, no problemo, but she better get me maggot with some roolly good wine first”
March 20th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
LOL You are one talented gal!
March 20th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Doodaddy: Doodaddy has a potty mouth today! 30 odd words and 3 ‘fucking’s! Awesome. Oh and I need photographic evidence of your egg wreath.
Magpie: Isn’t it awesome!
Anja: You mad lifting-right-cheek-to-fart chick! It took me a few minutes to work out what you were talking about!
Beth: Nah, my minions are, but thanks anyway!
March 20th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
How talented are you then?
Eggselent eggs!!
March 20th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I’m not sure the words ‘vagina’ and ‘tounge’ should be used in the same sentence in a post about Easter. But that’s just me.
My favorite egg is Harry Potter for sure! You kick the Easter Bunny’s ass.
March 20th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Coffee Bean Eggs eh? You may be onto something there………
I always thought martha Stewart was a little old tight-permed hair granny type. Just going by her name that is………
March 20th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
You already do…..
March 20th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Tiff: yes they are rather egg-cellent aren’t they!
Melain: Will kick it if he doesn’t bring me enough chocolate that is for sure!
River: She eats granny types for morning tea, with perfectly whipped cream.
Tracey: Awesome!
March 21st, 2008 at 1:30 am
LOLOL I remember doing those sorts of decorations when i was a kid. No way am I doing that now, especially when my crafty child, who would LOVE to make those, is anaphylactic to egg yolk. You can just imagine the horror of the decorated egg for the rest of her life if it put her in hospital. We shall stick with entering every easter bunny colouring in competition me thinks.
Mine are very practical, because neither of them can have just any ole egg, they have to have the expensive stuff to avoid the shite they cant eat, so they have worked out that they can have a 145gm egg for $7 or they can have 2 x 450gm blocks of chocolate for around the same price (if we find it on sale after easter).
They have chosen to wait for the after easter sale in the hope that noone else will want to buy blocks of chocolate and they will be on special then (and also the store bought heaps of the good dark chocolate eggs this year, so Lil Miss Boo is in hope that noone else will like them and they will be markedly reduced after easter.
March 21st, 2008 at 1:33 am
Oh and make sure you save some of the blowing energy for MPS for his easter morning present, am sure he will appreciate the gesture.
oh I am bad tonight lol, but couldnt help it, mine is currently walking around wearing my purple dressing gown and nothing else hehe a purple robed bunny for me for easter with minimum calories - yummm!!!!!
March 21st, 2008 at 1:36 am
Hehe but then again on this blog I am pretty sure I couldnt possibly shock anyone, not after Kelley is already through with them mwuhahaha!!!
Is why we love you Kel!!
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HAPPY EASTER HAPPY EASTER HAPPY EASTER HAPPY EASTER HAPPY EASTER
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March 21st, 2008 at 2:52 am
Looking at the coffee bean egg….
“Oh, so THAT’s why they call it a clam…”
No kidding, I said that out loud. Yikes.
Happy Easter!!! (The eggs look great, btw!)
March 21st, 2008 at 3:31 am
You’re a crazy artist, girl. Awesome! Even if your egg-blowing habit is a little freaky.
March 21st, 2008 at 8:30 am
So when are you changing your name by deedpoll to Martha?
Fantastic job !!!!
HAPPY EASTER. Lent is over !!!!!
March 21st, 2008 at 10:22 am
We haven’t decorated our eggs yet, but your eggs are kicking the shit out of my eggs. And they will continue to do so until Easter.
March 21st, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I loooove the iEgg!
March 21st, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Those are fabulous! I love the Harry Potter one!
I simply buy the stuff that’s at Target and my son is happy enough.
Cuz he doesn’t know any different, and he certainly won’t ever be seeing these pictures, either.
March 21st, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Erin!: “Oh and make sure you save some of the blowing energy for MPS for his easter morning present, am sure he will appreciate the gesture.” But wouldn’t that mean that the paint wouldn’t dry in time? *blinks innocently*
Candid: *snigger* I tend to turn you all into raving talking to yourself weirdos…
Candy: *snort* I am all about the freaky.
Widdle Shamrock: It is over is it? Man, I forgot all about my giving up thingies… think Mr Lent will forgive me?
Stimey: Yay! I love the thought of my eggs being the farmyard bullies. Now give me their lunch money.
Dawn: Pretty awesome huh? Wonder if Steve will want to market them?
Gina: *snort* evil mummy you…
March 22nd, 2008 at 7:25 am
Martha ain’t got nuthin’ on you, friend.
March 22nd, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Martha has been to the Big House, she’s a crim, she’s baaaaaad…they just haven’t got around to charging her with murder of the household budget, good taste and commonsense yet!
September 9th, 2008 at 10:58 am
hi– great post (and site overall). i just voted for you in the bloggers choice awards (all categories)! if you would, could you return the favor? i’m currently in 5th place & only need about 2 dozen votes to be bumped into 3rd!
http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/37026
thanks
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