Happy Birthday self.

by Kelley

I was going to write a letter to myself for my birthday. I always write letters on birthdays.

But not this year. This year I have gone through some of my old letters. With a box of tissues to wipe the tears of sadness and the tears of mirth. I have revisited my life.

Man. What a life.

The years of self doubt, self hatred of feeling like nothing. The excitement of a new baby, the complete devastation of loss. The wonderful times and the not so good times.

As I read through these letters I see myself evolving. From doormat to diva. From broken teen to confident woman.

Fake it till you make it baby. And I am nearly there.

Sure, I still feel unsure, scared even, in new situations. I still seek approval. I still find it so hard to ask for help or stand up for myself.

But this life has forced me to gain strength as I gain years. Those hurdles have built my emotional muscles to ensure that I have the stamina to go on. Some years I was ready to give up, I tried to give up, but some force prevented me from succeeding.

We have plans for you.

I am meant to be here.

So today as I contemplate my past, I will try and see past the advancing years – the wrinkles appearing, the young fresh faces of women in their 20’s, my expanding arse – and celebrate what it is to be me.

An older, wiser me. A me that would be different and emptier if it wasn’t for those track and field events of my life. And M. Oh, M. Instead of breaking me, destroying me, you have helped me grow and become the woman that I am. ~~Still, I hope it is fucking hot down there. And your arse is sore you piece of shit.~~ Thankyou.

So here is a toast on my birthday, charge your glasses and join me in celebrating all of us. A sum of our life experiences, growing and evolving.

And so God damn fabulous it fucking hurts.

************

Edited to add: I will do a post this evening after my hot Indian ~~waiter~~ food to thank all the lovelies that have been having birthday celebrations for me on their blogs! Some of the effort gone into celebrating the birth of the uber diva that is me has been astounding! If I haven’t been around to thank you shoot me an email so I can include you in my thankyou post.

Tagged as: aging, birthday, confidence, contemplating the past, life events, past

{ 3 trackbacks }

Pressies for Kelley « Dances to the beet of her own drum: March 12, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Things I’m Grateful For » Blog Archive » Things I’m Grateful For on Wednesday 12 March: March 12, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Pay it Forward Winners | Dipping into the Blogpond: March 12, 2008 at 9:19 pm

{ 32 comments }

1 Sonia March 12, 2008 at 1:42 pm: Happy Birthday to my twin sister, you know I totally love you.
2 tiff March 12, 2008 at 1:48 pm: Happy Happy birthday Kelley!

Hope you have the most fabulous day. I raise a glass to you, my friend. You are bloody amazing!!
3 Meg March 12, 2008 at 1:56 pm: Good for you Kelley – celebrating who you have become. Cheers and here’s to you!
4 Frogdancer March 12, 2008 at 2:10 pm: I’ll raise a glass to you once I get home from work.

(The admin frown upon the teaching staff guzzling merlot in front of the kids. Even though it’s the kids that make us need to guzzle the merlot in the first place. But I digress….)

Happy birthday. Have a great day.
5 Gemisht March 12, 2008 at 2:12 pm: Happy Birthday. Hope it gets better and look forward to an update after the Indian waiter,oh um food. I meant to say food, honest
6 Lightening March 12, 2008 at 2:37 pm: Happy Birthday Kell. You deserve a fabulous day and then some!!!! Mwah!
7 Guera March 12, 2008 at 2:44 pm: Happy Birthday Kelley. Hope the day (and the waiter) are fantabulous, just like you.
8 Bettina March 12, 2008 at 3:01 pm: Cheers big ears!

No you don’t have big ears….. it’s just a saying…

Happy birthday oh fabulous one.

Have a pressie for you on my blog.
9 Missy March 12, 2008 at 3:05 pm: Happy Birthday Kelley! Enjoy.
10 Joyce March 12, 2008 at 3:34 pm: Hey kelly

Hope you had a wonderful birthday

Toasting the bottle of Muscato to you hun…all of you fabulous womanly you!

MWAH
11 Caroline March 12, 2008 at 3:54 pm: Happy birthday hun. *hugs*

couldn’t find any shoe pics to send u but found this instead

http://tinyurl.com/2g6e4d
12 Karen (miscmum) March 12, 2008 at 4:14 pm: Happy Birthday lovie. What a great post.

We’re having Indian for tea tonight too! I’ll have a papadum (or 5!) in your honour
13 Widdle Shamrock March 12, 2008 at 5:10 pm: OOO, I can’t be left out.

I will have a Pav Bhaji in your honour.

Mwah sweetie.
14 Katie March 12, 2008 at 6:44 pm: Happy Birthday!
15 MrsFancypants March 12, 2008 at 7:03 pm: Happy Birthday fuck-chops.

Hope you have a wonderful day and get lots of alcohol and shoes

Cheers *clink* (that was the sound of my morning Baileys latte toasting you)
16 frogpondsrock March 12, 2008 at 7:36 pm: Happy Happy birthday to you….

Yay!!!!
17 Marylin March 12, 2008 at 7:53 pm: Happy Birthday! Hope it’s a good one What a great idea to write yourself a letter… I might nick that idea
18 Casdok March 12, 2008 at 8:15 pm: A very happy birthday to you! Hope you get spoilt rotton!
19 frogpondsrock March 12, 2008 at 8:26 pm: hehehehehehe there is a little birthday pressie for you at my place..

cheers kim
20 Anja March 12, 2008 at 9:01 pm: “happy birthday fuck-chops”

Now that’s a birthday greeting and a half. I shall remember that, Mrs. Fancypants. Nice one.

Hope you have a wonderful night and the waiter *cough* food is tasty.

For someone who is scared and unsure, you do a fanfuckintastic job of kicking ass. Don’t let some lumbago face from your past come creeping into the present. The rancid piece of spider bile is history – you are forging a path into the future – with hot damn hooker heels.

Keep looking forward. You’re amazing, and there’s a whole shitload of people who will agree with me on that. *hugs*
21 Kath March 12, 2008 at 10:15 pm: Happy Birthday! Your blog is amazing, and you are a comedy genius!
22 Babyamore (Trish) March 12, 2008 at 11:06 pm: Cheers – GO YOU !

Hope the year ahead is better than you imagine and more than you can ever dream.
23 Babyamore (Trish) March 12, 2008 at 11:07 pm: Happy birthday again my glass slipped * hic

thanks for visiting me
My Little Drummer boys
24 lceel March 13, 2008 at 1:48 am: Happy Birthday, Kelley. And many happy returns of the day. I’ll break out the good rum tonight and I’ll toast you one. You are, my lovely, truly one of a kind. Saluda!
25 Candy March 13, 2008 at 2:01 am: Hippo Birdie Two Ewes!
26 Xbox4NappyRash March 13, 2008 at 5:36 am: Happy Birthday Gran
27 ange March 13, 2008 at 9:47 am: *clink!!!!*
28 kate March 13, 2008 at 10:21 am: Happy Birthday!

Hope your day is filled with awesome shoes and a whole lot of love!
29 Stimey March 13, 2008 at 1:09 pm: Happy Birthday! Keep on keepin’ on!
30 Jayne March 13, 2008 at 3:46 pm: Belated happy Birthday you ~~old fart~~ wonderful woman
31 GoaldeeBug March 14, 2008 at 12:40 pm: Happy belated birthday gorgeous!
32 Jodie March 16, 2008 at 4:39 am: Aw, shoot shoot! See what I get for bein’ a slacker??

I know I’ve not been around long at all, but I have to say that the way you describe yourself in the past, all doormat-ish and fragile… I would never have imagined that those words / meanings would ever be used to describe you. That was one of the big reasons I subscribed initially… the confidence and contentment you radiate just amazed me (well, that, and you are just so f&!*$ng funny :p). I thought, “hey, I could learn a thing or two from her… maybe even put on a pair of heels!?!?!?!”

Anyway, again, Happy belated to you!!! Hope it was simply awesome, cuz, you, my dear, deserve it!!!!

-j