It’s official. I am old.
I am an old person. Need to start shopping in the old ladies underwear section. Big, brown, neck to knee babies.
* The other day I paid for the pain of a zygote ripping the hair out of my eyebrows. I inquired whether I need to have my lady mo done. She LIFTED UP MY FUCKING CHEEK and said no.
Oh the humiliation. Now I just walk around with a strong fan blowing directly on my face like a dog out the passenger side window…..
* I made that ‘ooff’ sound while getting out of my chair.
* Last night while out to dinner the lovely waitress looked at me.
‘I know you!’ she squealed
‘Really? Where from?’ I replied, I don’t recognise this woman.
‘I used to play at your house when I was little!’ she squealed again.
What The Fuck?
‘Excuse me?’ I picked my jaw up out of my second glass of wine and tried to find the best possible lighting to ensure maximum youthfulness.
‘I was friends with M’s daughter and we used to come over all the time. Your girls were only little, I pretty sure Too was a baby’ I think she added the last part because of the look of horror and devastation on my face. (M was a woman that MPS worked with.)
‘Oh, right.’ I mumbled ‘Um, how old are you?’
‘Twenty four’
Fuck me dead I am old. I had two kids at her age.
* My daughter is 16. This year she will be 17. The age I was when I met her father.
* I contemplated plunging my face into ice water a la Joan Crawford. And getting rid of those freaking wire hangers.
* On the radio was one of the songs my girlfriends and I loved when we used to go clubbing. Pump Up the Jam. Then the announcer said ‘Wow, that is an old song’ and I stopped dancing. And apparently the fucking Crazy Frog has done a version. I have died a little inside.
and finally, the last nail in the coffin of my youth?
A chick I went to school with is a grandmother. A fucking GRANDMOTHER! True, she was a year ahead of me and had a kid in high school.
But her kid had a kid and that makes me old.
Thankfully, as of yesterday (Happy Birthday E!) I am the youngest of all my friends.
At least for another 23 days. Thank Christ it is a leap year.
{ 44 comments }
35’s a bitch!
One of my besties is a granny, too. She was a granny before she turned 40! She’s only six months older than me… So she got to be a granny before I had two kids.
There’s more than 18 years between her oldest and my oldest, too.
A friend of ours was a grandmother at 36 – WTF???? I can’t imagine what that would be like……. And you are just a baby, I am old, well, oldish, next year I will be old. But very liberated bwaaaaaa haaaaaaa haaaaa
Does it make me old too if Pump Up The Jam is now going around and around in my head?
I only had one kid when I was 24 though
Oh no… that’s so old-feeling-making. Especially the granny bit. I’ve gotten everything except that. Not far off though.
But think about the great things about being older:
- more shoes
- better fashion sense
- biting sarcasm (no under-30 can do it properly)
- a huge arsenal of ways to make people cry
No under 30 can do biting sarcasm properly?
*weeps*
Does this mean I have to wait six more years to be a serious biatch?
*weeps again*
My fashion sense will always suck. I can’t do high heels unless I want to date basketball players.
*drags her sorry ass out of the room and has a tantrum*
You’re only 36? You’ve got a little while yet kiddo… I’m facing 39 on my next birthday.
Each time my hair is due for a coloring I seem to find more and more gray hairs have sprouted, but until my nether regions go gray I’m going to stick firmly to my alternate view of reality. What? You don’t believe that I’m a natural redhead? At least this week anyway?
Oh, and for the record, I was 31 when I had my first.
I had a similar set of thoughts for a while, but they didn’t last long and I was soon comfortable again just being me. I don’t mind at all that I’m growing old(er), I’ve even stopped dying my hair and hey! those granny underpants are comfortable!.
I had 3 when I was 24……….the eldest was a few months short of being 4.
Isn’t it amazing though how young all these new workers seem to be. We have a few checkout assistants working through school holidays that I’d swear are only 12.
If it’s any consolation, I was watching my wife get undressed the other night and noticed a grey hair on her Davy Crocket. I said, “I know you’re not getting much but I didn’t think it was worrying you”.
Bettina: Sing it old lady!!!!
Jodi: And Granny makes it sound sooooooo much worse!!!! I have already told Moo and Too that they need to be thirty. Will take me 14 years to work out how to knit.
Gemisht: You are only as old as the man you feel they say. I am fucking ANCIENT!!!!
Angel: I was dancing to it. Boo and the bunny were quite frightened….
Naomi: Yes, Yes, Yes!!! (Oh and better thems too
) But this ‘a huge arsenal of ways to make people cry’ pure genius!
Anja: You are an exception to ALL rules.
Robin: I AM 35!!!! *bursts into tears* well at least for the next 22 days… Public hair goes grey?????????? LMAO
River: I was just having a bad day. I will back to the old ‘I am freaking fabulous’ me soon, *snort*
John: *gaffaw* Shit, I giggled and woke the kid.
Just wait till you get to may grand old age!!
hahahahahahaha welcome to the “old ladies club”
I hear the alcohol is really cheaP AT THE LOCAL BOWLS CLUB… THOUGHT I HAD BETTER START WRITING BIGGER INCASE YOU HAD TROUBLE READING THE SMALLER LETTERS……
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH
CHEERS FROM THE ANCIENT ONE… (42)
Well, shit, if that’s the case I am ancient too. Mine’s 5 years older and has lots of grey hairs. I dont have any grey hairs yet, its amazing. But my hair does seem to be going blonder, not sure why…………
I’m not old yet…… well not for another 20 days………. I’m merely anticipating………
lol
Oh man, I can relate. LMAO!!
And I’m 35 as well! I got the fright of my life when I got an email from someone yesterday trying to organise our 20 year school reunion.
I’m nearly 46. Shut up LOL
Dont Worry Anja, One of my sisters was born with the Biatch Sarcasm dripping from her tongue, to the point that the other four of us described her as Sarcaustic! She turns 29 this year lol, so trust me, there are definitely under 30’s that got it.
And old, lol wait for it, I might be only 30 (and a quarter lol) but I had two kids and a total hysto before my 23rd birthday. Trust me when I say I have felt ancient lately, even more so studying Hysto’s at uni this week and the text books dont mention women under 45 needing them! On the bright side, I had it done before the inside bits decided on their own to hang on the outside like the 45+ crowd have to endure.
Oh and considering my oldest is now ten and starting puberty, it is entirely possible (although i might kill him if he tries it) that I could be a grandmother in 4-5 years time, making me 34-35ish. He better bloody well wait until I am at least 40 and he is 20! Then I want several grandchildren lol.
Oh and Kel hun, Pump up the Volume was one of my favourites too, it was on the very first cd i ever owned. Bloody sad inditement that there is a crazy frog version.
SOOOO GLAD the frog isnt on tv at anytime Mr Moo is watching it now, god how I hated hearing the frog add being repeateded every few minutes via my sons internal advertising channel.
And bastard ex bought Miss Moo a bloody plush crazyfrog that makes loud noises whenever it was bumped. I bumped it back to his house, he can put up with the horrid thing falling off the bed twenty times a night when they stay with him.
Erin!
people i went to college with are grandmothers. and i have a four year old.
I started to type this and my hand slipped and I knocked over my bottle of Geritol. And then I bent over to pick it up and fell out of my wheelchair. And as I hit the floor my teeth flew out of my mouth and slid across the floor. Couldn’t find ‘em because I had lost my glasses as I fell – and I couldn’t find them either. And then, to top it off, I had to lay there for hours because the battery had died in my Life Alert button. Man!! If we hadn’t had sex this morning I’d be in a seriously bad mood!
Bah yer a whippersnapper. I’ll be 47 in 5 days. Shoot me now.
Don’t worry…imagine how old you are in dog years?
baaahaaahaaaa don’t you times by 7 for dog years……… oh yes, Kelley, you really are ancient!!
Casdok: And I will be as fabulous as you….
The Ancient one (KIM): Shuddup. I just started having to wear fucking READING GLASSES! I hear the bowls club ladies do a mean scone….
Gemisht: Blonder…. mmmm yes, that is it. I am going blonde too.
Bettina: Hey! Looks like our birthdays are around the same time! Perhaps we should have a blog party!
Jenty: Bwaaaa haaaa haaaaaa! Like I would ever go to a school reunion! Bletch.
Mr Fabulous: Yeah, but you are a guy and you are Fabulous, so it doesn’t count.
Erin!: I would have rectally inserted the bloody thing. Boo got one of those MP3 knockoffs in a Happy Meal once that had that fucking song on it. And I was woken in the middle of the night Too. Many. Times with it screaming in my ear. Better than the ‘kill kill kill’ chanting Teletubbies I guess. But only slightly.
Magpie: Most of my friends are either just starting their families or have under tens. And asking my children to babysit.
Iceel: Now get your geriatric arse over here and clean all the coffee that I spurted all over the keyboard reading that.
Candy: Happy Birthday. I know a chick who is 47 and she says she is ‘40 and some months’
VE: Piss off VE. God, you know how to make a woman feel good don’t you.
Bettina: And you can get stuffed too
I loved that song! Guess that makes me old, too. Phooey. ;^)
I do a mean scone too. Those suckers really hurt when they’re thrown at a person’s head…
hey magneto bold,
Well, she WAS a year ahead of you.
rock on,
aitch
i have reached the age where doctors are younger than me, and it really does feel weird. i did a dance routine in highschool to pump up the jam. i think i would pass out during the 1st 8 count now.
Old is when you have to explain that when we were kids there was only Sunday Worship or Reg Lindsay’s Country Hour on TV on Sunday mornings to the offspring who then consider their parents were deprived as children
The Crazy Frog should be classed as a noxious pest and shot on sight!
My daughter plucks the stray grey (head) hair for me. But I have 3 feet of hair, and I don’t want to be the hippie with the crazy grey hair
What about stray chin hairs that insist on growing longer and thicker than all the rest? Then you know you’re getting old… eeew tweezers on permanent standby.
you are but a babe in the bloggy woods Kelley – I thought it was Moo holding those clinkers last week btw.
Anyway older is better *snigger* – I am not far off that seniors discount card or the FAB (fifty and beyond) club *sigh*
I got an invite to join “30 something bloggers”. I had to turn it down because I haven’t seen 30 in 15 years.
I just shave my lady mo. Otherwise, I’d be there every day. (kidding, but I tell you, I’ve thought about it!)
Beth: It was awesome wasn’t it. Still makes me want to dance, and drink shots and Black Russians!
Naomi: I think I have that same recipe. Even funner when covered with cream.
Harris: OMG, that has got my head going places I don’t wanna go, re Moo and being 17 this year and…. shit, now I have to clean the brain explosion of my keyboard and I only just cleaned up the coffee….
Ange: I did a dance routine to ‘Venus’ by those chicks that I can’t remember now…. oooh I was the sexiest pre teen in town. Bletch.
Jayne: When we moved to the country when I was 16 there was only one channel. And it went off air at 11pm. The girls wondered if that was because the dinosaurs running on the wheel got tired then.
Meg: I haven’t had the chin hairs. Yet. Great. Something new to obsess about. At least the zygote wont have to lift my cheek to see them.
Trish: Older is definitely better in one respect *snigger back atcha* I will tell Moo what you said, she will have her voodoo doll at the ready, LOL.
Ree: Don’t shave it babe, you will start looking like the bearded lady…. Why turn down the 30 something bloggers? You ARE 30 something…..
You’re not old! But you ARE one talented and entertaining blogger!
Good lord, I know how you feel. It is 11:30 and I am dragging my ass to bed like an OLD WOMAN. Where is the chickie who used to par-tay until al hours of the night? Gone, along with my nice skin.
*Sobs* am I the only one here who is over 50?
Gina, if you’re an Aussie you should be ashamed of yourself, “ass” is American, “arse” is Australian. Now, go and write that 100 times!
Katie: and bad tempered and consistently in a bad mood…. makes entertaining reading, my head explosions apparently.
Gina: LMAO babe. I hear ya. Now I am looking at the clock and thinking hmmmmm, I could catch a few more minutes sleep…
River: Surely not.
John: My lovely Gina is from the good ol’ US of A, so she is forgiven for her lack of spelling ability.
That’s not a bad excuse.
Oi Woman, get your ARSE (see am Aussie lol) over to my blog and collect your bling. Its PINK!!
Ooh and shall be putting up a recipe shortly that might be Boo friendly.
Hugs!!!
John: *gaffaw* but soon we will take over the world and have everyone spelling properly and chucking a snag on the barbie and not a freaking shrimp!
Erin!: Cool, on my way over. I loves me some bling.
Yanks are okay but there’s too many pseudo-Americans using their bloody lingo. Geeeeeez, I hate that!
Can I take great joy in pointing out that you are always the youngest of your friends?
Its not as if you’re gonna pass one of em out…
I feel as we are now really close having showered together I can point this out without fear of recrimination.
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