Apparently it is Lent. And people give shit up for Lent.
Isn’t that the whole point of Pancake Tuesday? You know using up the good stuff so you can lose a few kilos before gorging on chocolate that the bunny brings you can like, suffer. Like a good Catholic or somesuch.
Hang on I am not Catholic. Um. I don’t actually know what I am. Shit, I hope I am not a Scientologist, cause I don’t want no seven degrees of separation from the freaky alien that calls himself Tom.
But apparently he is handy around a traffic accident. Or a splinter.
Hang on. I will ring my mother and find out what the fuck I am.
Talk amongst yourselves. As long as it is about me. GOOD stuff about me…..
OK, I am back. My ear is bleeding from the ranting and raving and ‘you only call when you want something, I could be dead on the floor and you wouldn’t know’ shit. Yes I would know. First, you wouldn’t answer the phone. And second, my dad would turn up with a hooker on his arm.
Apparently I am Church Of England. Hope there are no rules on being a whatever-they-are-called cause I am up shit creek, cause I ain’t done nuffin’. But at least I am not part of the Tom brigade. Phew. Cause I suck when it comes to blood. And I drove past a traffic accident the other day. There were a heap of police cars and ambulances so I am sure I couldn’t have been of assistance.
Even if I was the only one that could do anything.
OK. So I will give up the following for Lent and hopefully the Easter Bunny will fill my bathtub with Clinkers.
1. Noogies. No grabbing my kids or random strangers and rubbing my fist in their hair. Even if they are asking for it.
2. Same goes for sneaking up on my kids and pinching their arses. Even if it is MY arse, cause I made it and therefore I can pinch it all I want. Even in the middle of Safeway or school assembly. I will give them a reprieve while it is Lenting.
3. Watching Neighbours. I don’t actually watch Neighbours anyway, but I have to have something that is a shoe in.
4. Punching MPS in the janglies when he is snoring in my ear. I will purchase ear plugs. Or bite him. But no punching.
5. I will refrain from calling out ‘slippers!!!’ or freaking out when I see someone wearing Ugg Boots. Even if they are freaking slippers and you shouldn’t wear the things out of the house. Or in my ideal world, at all.
6. I will give up making effigies of my neighbour and his freaking step son that spend the whole fucking day riding up and down, up and freaking down, their back yard on a motorbike. Every. Single. Day. Cause it ain’t working anyway. They have not burst into flames. And my arm is getting sore from holding the video camera in the hopes of winning something on Funniest Home Videos.
7. I will endeavour to abstain from wishing basketball sized, weeping pus, whiskered haemorrhoid’s on people that piss me off. At least until I buy shares in the haemorrhoid cream company. I mean, until the Lent thang is over.
And finally I will resist flipping the bird to every fucker on the road that doesn’t obey the road rules. Or is driving one of those stupid hotted up Kia’s. Freaking idiots. Souping up a girly car makes your penis smaller. It is a fact, dickhead. But I won’t flip you the bird during Lent. But afterwards all bets are off.
Man. This is gunna be hard. That is some serious shit I am giving up all in the name of some dude wandering around in the desert. Betcha he wasn’t so freaking hard on himself.
But then again he didn’t have PMS to deal with. Three weeks a month.
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, thats some list. I hope that you can manage all that. How long is Lent for???? Can you not do it all for that long. And LMAO at pinching your kids arses – I do the same thing with the same excuse. Then the kids tell me their father made them so I tell them I cooked them, to perfection of course.
ROFLMFAO
Give the neighbours an egg or 3 for Easter…a special gazillion year old egg
I’m giving up the 4 letter word for Lent – iron.
It’s been quietly rusting in the back of the cupboard for years why should I disturb its slow death now?
Makes it a win-win situation!:P
Phew lucky it’s summer… haven’t worn my uggys for weeks…
That’s some list Kelley! 40 days – that’s how long lent goes for…….. and being the good little catholic girl that I am (shuddup Anja!:P) I was only giving up one thing (meat on friday’s), so I’m mighty impressed by your list lmao……….. you do know that it’s meant to be a time of reflection and spiritual renewal not just giving up shit for the sake of giving up shit?
hehehehehe I was tortured umm errr educated by the Nuns… That is a great list for Lent , much better than the stuff we had to make up.. umm ooops give up..
Poor little sacrificial Lambs that we were. We would all promise to give up lollies or chocolate or oops watching division 4. or even gasp.. number 96… bawhahahahaha
Whatta list…. being the anticatholic of my married into familiy, I give up nothing. Hee. Those boots are weird I think.
Nip on over and collect your award dearie!
So glad i dont do lent!!
Please just tell me you won’t give up pinching my arse. Then I’m good.
Oh, and fuck it all. I knew we were sisters. We have the exact same mother. But my dad, showing up with a hooker? I’m guessing you’d get the Pope to wear a condom in public first.
Magneto,
I am ex~ Roman Catholic, now Church of England. Listen, bugger the list, we don’t do them. If anyone says otherwise, tell them you have it on good authority from a green knee capping lephrechaun, and if they wanna take it further, let’s hope they enjoy pain.
Eat that Chocolate girlfriend !!!!! Everyday is Easter here.
Wow, you are such a giver! I’m inspired…I should give up something too. I think I’ll give up Lent. Waiter, I’ll have the steak please….
Oh Bettina *sniggers* Would I dare say anything about you being a good Catholic girl? Now drop the axe. Move away from the axe. There’s a good girl.
All those years ago when I was a card carrying ‘rosary twirler’ Father O’Buggery from St. Sodomy Parish asks all us girls:
“What will you be giving up for Lent?”
One girl says “I’ll be giving up chocolate”
Another says “I’ll be giving up television”
K and myself snigger about the aforementioned girl and say in hushed voices,
“She should be keeping her mouth shut for Lent and stop giving blowjobs at the Blue Light Discos”
Father O’Buggery hears us sniggering and says,
“So Anja, what will YOU be giving up for Lent”
Without any hesitation, I say,
“Mass”
I was a crap Catholic. *sniggers*
Well, I was a *good Catholic girl* until I met a *good Catholic boy* lol, and it took loving my neighbour to a whole new level…. lol
#2? If I made it, it is mine and I have to right to pinch it.
You are brave for trying to give that one up.
but some of those good catholic boys are very very good…………… *snigger*
Gemisht: Yeah, well I broke number 8 at 7am this morning. Asshats that drive slow….
Jayne: Day-mn that is a good one! Shoulda thought of that one myself.
Cellobella: La la la la I’m not listening…..
Bettina: Well seeing I am a Godless little soul I thought I would redeem myself.
Frogpondsrock: Divison 4? What is that you speak of? Maths? I would have happily given that the flick as a kid.
Girl: Well I am the anti, well nothing. So I can do whatever the hell I want! Whooo hoooo!!!
Maddy: Smootches my lovely.
Casdok: Well there is a first time for everything. Join me and we can be Lent virgins together!
Ree: Well I saw the Pope walking with a hooker AND wearing a condom at Mardi Gras!
Widdle Shamrock: I didn’t give up chocolate! Shit I was EATING chocolate while writing the list. I am mad, not homicidal.
VE: Shit. Shoulda thought of that. The way I am going, um 12 hours after writing that, I think the watching *vomit* Neighbours is going to be the only thing that is going to be safe.
Anja: bwaaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaa! I never had the pleasure of a Catholic school education. Seems I missed out on a lot.
Veronica: Well they are taller than me now, and one is a black belt…..
Bettina: MPS was a good little Catholic WOG boy! *snort*
I always thought it was a food that had to be given up, shows how much I know, huh?
Bettina:- giving up meat on Fridays?? Don’t all good catholics only eat fish on Fridays? I’m not religious so I’m not giving up anything, but I probably should given the tightness of the waistband on my jeans.
Kelley,
you and I agree on so much… the ugg boots, the rice cars, I pinch my kids’ bums and say I can because I grew them! Hahahahahaha! And I do it anywhere I want to, even though I have three pre pubescent kids who ‘die from embarrassment’ when I do ‘wierd things like that’.
For lent, I’m going to give up…doctors.
also, about the snoring, you can’t give up punching in the janglies if that is the only thing that works but if you have to, I hear wax ear plugs are the best… not that I’ve tried them or anything…much.
Oh and that post was very very funny. My husband calls you, ‘that funny, rude lady whose husband made the mistake of buying her chocolate chip biscuits’. He is going to fall of his seat when he reads this post.
Kelley you never fail to amuse us … but what an impressive list .Why is there no picture of the bird .. and I knew you wouldn’t give up shoes for Lent!
I’m giving up the giving up of things for Lent. Well, actually, I did that a long time ago. ;^)
See, I knew I should have offered to do that for you. Then maybe you would have managed to get through. OK, start again tomorrow and I will assume Bird duties for you – does that help?????
Yes River, we eat fish because we aren’t eating red meat on Fridays. It’s like a catholic rule or sumthin. Then because I’ve give up red meat on Fridays I don’t have to give up flipping slow drivers the bird,pinching my kids arses, giving random strangers noogies or punching people in the janglies. See? It’s all much simpler to do it my way :p lmfao
I have decided to give up having naughty thoughts of you. It won’t be easy, and I have no idea what I am going to masturbate to now, but I am resolved to try my best!
Why do you think Jesus never married??
Why do you think Jesus never married? ‘Cause he was a good Jewish boy and have you ever encountered a Jewish mummy?
Oy Vey!
Mary to Jesus:
I don’t care if you turn water into wine, heal the sick and feed the mob with loaves and fishes – why can’t you get yourself a proper job like your cousin Ishmael? Thirty shekels a week he earns. And do I get a shemozzle of child support from your father? Oh the shame!
Those “noogies” of which you speak…. They are known as “sconnies” at my house. I am sure my kids would all be delighted if the Mother gave up the Sconny.
However, as a firmly lapsed Anglican, I think I shall take up drinkin’ for Lent!
Finally!! At last I’ve finished reading my way through your archives and what a ride it’s been. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve spurted coffee onto the keyboard and enjoyed every minute.
I am done giving stuff up for Lent – or any other reason, for that matter. At my age, I’m closer to the end than the beginning and anything I give up is just that much less I get to do/have/eat/drink/screw/etc. before it’s all over and does that sound fair to you?
No Lent giving-up-ness here.
Where the hell can I find Clinkers, woman? LOL! (nevermind, through the miracle of google, I’m good. )
Just don’t give up wine and shoes. And if you keep posting awesome shoes, I’m going to end up buying shoes. And I don’t wear heels. I live in Crocs (please don’t hurt me). LOL