Before I was a blogger Moo and Too introduced me to Rule 34 of the internet.
Rule 34 states that ‘If it exists there is p0rn of it’
Rule 35 is ‘If no p0rn is found of it, it will be created’
And fuck me dead, they are right.
Going through my freakazoid searches, 90% of them are p0rn related.
Super Mario Brothers, cubbies, just the mention of Mummy, Daddy, son or any family member, the name of my freaking BLOG, and my beloved Clinkers brings out the freaky in the internet.
And Mario Porn Star (MPS). Shit, THAT has got the dirty little bastards in a lather.
Come to think of it ‘lather’ is going to bring more of ‘em I expect.
So poor little innocent me went and Googled these searches. Thinking that surely there cannot be anything sexual about the innocent Clinker…… except perhaps the rapture I feel while delicately sucking the chocolate off to reveal my one true love. The green clinker…… *swoon*
Ahem. Sorry ’bout that.
According to the Urban Dictionary a Clinker is, amongst other things, a piece of shit stuck to your arse hairs and solidified. Somewhat like a dag on a sheep. Tasty.
I can deal with that.
But this?
‘ a chocolate coated candy treat for inserting in one’s anus so that they may derive sexual pleasure’
What the fuck?
No. No no no no no!
That is just wrong people! WRONG! I mean, yes, it is a chocolate coated candy treat. But the rest just makes me want to vomit back up the half bag of those orgasmic little morsels. You don’t need to shove them up your arse to reach orgasm! Shit, just putting a packet in my TROLLEY (it is a trolley, not a CART, Fab) sends my knees a quivering.
‘Clean up in aisle 3!’
So in order to educate the internets and Fab, Diesel, Iceel, Beth, Jen, Ree, Maddy and all the other lovelies that have not been given the pleasure of sampling the wonders of the clinker (perhaps I should have a blog comp! *snort*) I went out and bought some.
All in the name of education people.
Three packets just don’t seem enough for a task this important.
Um. Yeah. Your not supposed to eat them like that. All the heavy breathing makes them melt. Oh and notice the hair! The freaking CURLY rat-fuck-son-of-a-bitch hair! It is like 47000% humidity here and my hair has turned into a frizzball that not amount of straightening can contain. And this lazy biatch hasn’t painted her nails in like, weeks!
Letting the Blogging Goddess halo slip there….. but I assure you that I have some faaaaaaaabulous shoes on.
Now back to the Clinkers….. *swoon*
I love the green ones. Go Green!! W00T for the green!!! But you never know what you are gunna get. Like Forrest and his chocolates. Green, Forest, Green!!!!
So you have to check.
It was freaking YEARS before MPS realised that they came in green. And that they didn’t have little chunks out of the tip. And when I first succumbed to the awesomeness of the Clinker crack habit, MPS didn’t realise that they had chocolate on them….. *snigger*
But of course, say it after me, all together now…..
That is not my fault. Bastard just needs to be faster.
Now I better go and hide whats left before my hormonal devil spawn get home. Those biatches can sniff out chocolate from the fucking driveway.
No fear of them finding them there……
*************************************
Now don’t forget to keep pushin’ on that humour blogs button people. Every freaking day. Make it part of your morning routine. Shit, shave, shower me with your lovin’. Apparently the more you click the higher up I get in the rankings and then I get to have my blog ripped to shreds by rabid humour bloggers reviewed by my peers.
And if you are so inclined please vote for me in the Bloggers Choice awards. And I will show you my boobs will be forever grateful.
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The thought of sticking a clinker up one’s clacker is just so wrong. In fact, its sacrilege and heresy, the whole idea of doing anything but eating them, preferably large numbers at a time.
Actually I think rule 34 of the internet is just a variation of what happens in the real world. I’ve long thought that you name it, any thing, substance, object you can think of in the world, there’ll be someone somwhere who eats it, drinks it or gets off on it.
Mmm Clinkers and green ones too, the universal colour of horny! Did I just say that? Why I do believe I did!
Ok, I have never seen a clinker in my life, but I have to say they look like little turds, or individual anal beads. Sorry, I think you can now ban me from your blog.
I have dug clinkers, mars bars, and assorted confectionary from the southern end of men – both alive and dead.
They don’t call it a chocolate starfish for nuffin
And I dare you to Google that. *giggles*
I can’t believe they haven’t experienced Clinkers! My favourite, of course, are the pink ones, closely followed by green. The yellow ones are gross. Nobody likes the yellow ones.
I suck all the chocolate off then eat the inside. Mmmmmm.
Well personally I’d rather get my calories through something with a little more chocolate than the pathetic amount clinkers offer.
As for the rest of it….sometimes it’s better to stay ignorant of these things. LOL. Or is that just me?
OMG>>> I TOTALLY ONLY LOVE THE GREEN ONES TOO!!!!
(And I check them too – grin)
Ok, we are Truly Perfectly Matched.
I loathe GREEN clinkers, and bite the ends off each one in order to reject the green ones. My old housemate wanted to know why there were only slightly chewed green ones left in the bag (didn’t stop him eating them, though)
only orange clinkers for me.. or yellow.. then the pink ones… but never ever ever the green ones…
Actually I prefer snakes and Jelly babies and oooh raspberries but then only the red ones then yellow and then purple… never ever the green ones…
oh and sherbies and redskins and wonka raspberry twists oh and……….
hehehehehehe cheers kim
Why is my comment awaiting Moderation???? Hmmmph
Ian: AMEN Sista!! I mean brotha. Yeah whatever…. Right on!!
Tiff: Green is hawt. Like us
Ange: Biatch.
Anja: Ewwww. Yeah, I know what a Chocolate Starfish is…. it’s that band that did a cover of Your So Vain…. LMCSAO
Katie: I used to do the same, but MPS caught me out…. so now I just bite off the ends.
Lightening: Yes, I am totally scarred now. Humans are weird. Just look at Tom Cruise… no wait, I think he is an alien. Or an Ambulance Driver.
Deeleea: Lovin’ your Gravatar babe!
Jodi: As long as I am doin’ the checking. We will get along just fiiiiiiine.
Kim: You usually come in as Kim, and today you are frogpondsrock. And I have only ever had ONE pkt with orange ones in. And they rocked. And now I am sad.
Your posts are always so educational!
LMAO at your hidey-hole, providing the packets remain shut until removed. Clinkers have never rung my bell. But I refuse to buy “pods” (especially the mars ones) because I just can’t stop…
Oh there’s some weird people out there, makes me happy I’ve led a sheltered life!
I’ve never had an orange clinker. Didn’t know they existed. Do I have to go all the way to Tassie to get some? Our mainland packets only have the yellow, green and pink ones. Mmmm pink, yum. I nibble the chocolate off the end to see what the colour is, then nibble the chocolate off the other end, then hold the ends between thumb and forefinger and eat the chocolate off around the middle. Then I put the coloured bit in my mouth and suck on it. After a whole packet my tongue gets a bit raw which adds a whole new dimension to the cup of coffee I have to “dilute” the chocolate/sugar intake.
not a clinker girl myself………. which ever way you have them!
I do lurvs peanut M&M’s! I eats the green ones then the yellow ones, then the blue ones, then the orange ones then the brown ones. I know they don’t taste different, but that’s just the way I do’s it.
OMG – this is the funniest post I have read in ages.
ROFL -
eeewww on the clinker porn though !I am with lightening ignorance is bliss -especially if you have 13 yr old who uses your computer to Google -nuff said.
I love that hiding place – that is my new hidey hole to stash the chocolate.
I am off to buy me some Clinkers tomorrow. I might even buy Dh some for the anniversary.
i clicked !
chocolate starfish?
Well, that said, I think I actually prefer your clinkers to ours. I just thought about what I said and I REALLY mean just what I said on the surface, not the deeper, underlying, OMG-does-he-mean-THAT-or-does-he-mean-THAT stuff that’s running through everybody’s head right now.
Clinkers I LOVE!!! Even got them as a wedding present from hubby’s thoughtful aunty and uncle!
But GREEN clinkers??? HELL NO!! Pink ALL the way!
And I can totally tell you what colour a clinker is before you bite into it… magic I say.
Well thank you so much for taking the time to translate! Could almost be a Pistachio filling!
I also hide candy, it drives everyone wild around here as I promptly forget where I’ve hidden it.
Just yesterday I found a whole stash of goodies that I squirreled away…..a couple of years ago. The chocolate has that lovely white bloom on it.
Cheers
Ha! Clinkers! Thank you! Now I know! And by that, I mean I know much more than I bargained for. ;^) First, though, my immediate thought upon seeing your pic was “What great hair she has!” So there. And my Golden Retriever had a clinker once — when I had two moms and their dainty girls over for a playdate with my crazy baby boy some years ago. Naturally we were all sitting on the floor and the moms got a great view of my dog’s poop stuck in his butt fur as he wandered around the room. I think I made a good impression that day. And my dog didn’t like it when I had to get out the scissors later and remove the offending object. ;^) As for chocolate, my son is into the procurement of such, but often forgets about it afterward, so I eat it when he goes to his dad’s. Once in a while, I get found out, though!
Can someone educate me on chocolate starfish?
yeah me too ?
Casdok: Educational? I live to serve….
Meg: Snickers Pods….. mmmmmm.
River: That is EXACTLY how I do it. It’s like a law or something.
Bettina: Yeah, I eat M&M’s in colour order too. As a teen we made a pact to keep the green ones for getting ready on Saturday night. Cause the green ones make you horny.
Trish: I am eating Clinkers now. At 11.30am. And go to Encyclopedia Dramatica and look up Rule 34, and look at the pictures. MY CHILDREN showed me that! *Rocking corner rocking corner*
Dawn: sigh….. they were a band and also a name for where the poo comes out. When closed it looks like a starfish. LMAO
Iceel: No you don’t……
Talia: What thoughtful relatives. Send all the green ones to me!
Maddy: and then you tell the kids that it is supposed to look like that. And when they offer you some you are all ‘no thanks I am full’ bwwwww haaaaaaa haaaaaaa.
Beth: Hormonal teenage girls always know where the chocolate is and how much is there. So no chance stealing theirs. Just gotta hide my own!
Tiff: See reply to Dawn
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chocolate+starfish
for the arse one
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chocolate_Starfish
for the band.
smootches!
ROFL… I so needed a good laugh, taa muchly! Mind you I don’t at all get the clinker thing… but waft a packet of sour gummy worms under my nose and I am anyones!
Ooooh, look how beautiful you are! Even with your nose in a bag of chocolate! And thank you for the tutorial on Clinkers. I’ve been wondering.
But darlin’ – what are the green ones? Do they taste minty? Do the pink ones taste strawberry-y? How about orange? Are there orange ones? And (dare I say it?) do they taste orangy?
By the way, the hair is gorgeous! Now I must go click on the humor blogs button. ‘Cuse me.
Kate: Sour gummy worms? Never got that. I would rather suck on a lemon.
Stimey: Your welcome. And you make me blush….
Ree: No the green ones aren’t minty, they are… um….green. I have only eaten an orange one once and it was such a shock to actually get an orange one I didn’t take note.
The hair sucks. I hate curl. And that wasn’t even curl it was freakin’ frizz….
Clacker clinkers are just.so.WRONG.
Now I’ll forever be watching who buys clinkers and wondering which orifice they’re gonna stick them in!
I’ve never heard of clinkers!
They sound good. Of course, ANYTHING chocolate is good… as long as it hasn’t been up someone’s ass.
Bossy isn’t sure about the Clunkers – er, Clinkers – but you call that frizzy hair? That is a beautifully silky coif. Bossy’s frizzy hair LEVITATES.
I don’t know these Clinkers. Oh, dear. Now I’m craving them, and I’m not even sure that I’d like them!
Jayne: Clacker Clinkers? Stop it. I am almost afraid to eat them now. Almost….
Janna: But how do you know? Now I am seriously freaking out cause they could like, put them in the freezer to solidify again afterwards and then seal the pack….and OMG….. go to your happy place Kelley, go to your happy place.
Bossy: Kelley thinks Bossy is just being nice. Kelley knows the hair is a candidate for the Hair Bear Bunch. Bossy needs to be truthful.
Slouching Mom: They are little tiny packages of heaven, with a surprise!
That I must say is just soooo wrong on soooo many levels *hehehe*.
But a good read none the less
Stu
I want some!!! And I adore where you stashed them. hehe.
OMG,I can’t stop laughing!
Hilarous. I’ll never be able to look at a packet of clinkers again without being reminded of this.
If you havn’t seen it already, XKCD’s take on Rule 34 is worth a quick gander. http://www.xkcd.com/305/
(Oh, and if you care to check, yeah, the URL mentioned in the comic *does* exist, c/- the comic author and fans)
Up to 18th on the humour blogs I see… top twenty spot… good going!
Cheers
BC
Oh you are so purty! Look at those eyes!
Lucky for you, I’m straight.
ROFLMAO!
I love green clinkers too – but the others are acceptable stepping stones to the altar of bliss that is a green one – much exclaiming in delight! And I think nose in the bag is a perfectly sensible way to eat clinkers!
But I must agree that Clinkers look a bit like rabbit droppings….. or a small dog poop.
I’m gonna link to you, I always get a huge laugh from your blog!
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