not too hard, it is sitting on my lap.
Well not quite, but it is only a matter of time if I keep this shit up.
A few days, weeks, whatever ago I was whining about not being hungry. I am too lazy to look up when it was.
And that is the problem.
I just couldn’t be bothered.
Today I inhaled half a bag of chips and half a block of chocolate. And latte. A shit load of ‘skinny latte’ that add up to a shit load of calories no matter how skinny the milk is. It was still like a freaking litre.
I have a fridge full of healthy foods. A table with TWO fruit baskets brimming with summers bounty.
I could eat gourmet healthy shit till it is coming out my arse. In a nice S shape that would keep Oprah’s buddy Dr Oz in squeals of delight.
But no. I reach for the shite. Cause it is easier. Cause I deserve a treat.
Cause it is freaking TASTY!!
It is not my fault, of course. Nothing is ever my fault, my lovelies. I blame MPS.
He brings the shit into the house. He comes home with chocolate and chips and lollies and Oh.My.God. CLINKERS.
He presents it to me with ‘Look what I got you honey!’ Bouncing like a little kid presenting his mummy with a collection of rocks and dog turds. So proud of himself. He hunted and collected for his little cave woman.
Me, Tarzan. You fat arsed Jane.
Does he do it to make me happy?
Or fatten me up?
I had a friend in high school who was HUGE. I mean fuck me dead, she was big. I went to her house one day after school and while we were chatting about who was hotter, Boy George or Prince, (pre teens here people) her older sister came in.
We were like 11 or 12, she was 18. She was gorgeous! Slim, pretty, the whole shebang.
After talking to her sister it was revealed that she was once as big as J. Her parents fattened them up as kids and then slimmed them down as late teens in order to find a husband. With their virginity in tact.
What the fuck?
That has stayed with me all these years. Insanity.
But is that what MPS is doing in a round about way? Fatten the old girl up so when she realises that there is a huge fucking difference between 35 and 45, and that he is less than 5 years away from FIFTY, no bastard is gunna want to play hide the secret sausage with his wife with the four foot wide butt,
and can contemplate her navel sitting on her lap.
Does he really not notice the cellulite starting to dimple my thighs? My arms that will start flapping in the breeze when I lift ‘em to reach for the potato chips or chocolate coated anything hiding in the top of the pantry?
Does he really believe that a woman with more meat on her gives him extra to cuddle? *snigger*
Now don’t get me wrong. I am not out looking for some extra activity. I am too freaking tired to even contemplate my own husband, let alone some other hot Indian waiter guy.
I just wonder if he means it when he says ‘I love you just the way you are’ and ‘man your one fine woman’ etc etc and then has a not-so-secret lusting for Kylie Minogue. *vomit*
Would he bring Kylie Clinkers?
Now, I need to get off this computer. I have a hot date with my other half….
…..block of chocolate.
{ 34 comments }
LMFAO
MPS knows to keep the house/family/life running smoothly he MUST keep the fridge/pantry stocked with scrumptious goodies
Hubbie and I have started pinching each other’s love-handles in jest….
…but I have a feeling it won’t be very funny for very long.
LMAO. I think that treating you and making you happy is his way of compensating for all the times he is less than “perfect”.
He is keeping the other guys away and staying safe – haven’t you seen the rules -
RULES OF CHOCOLATE
If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?
If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate… what’s wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can’t let that happen, can you?
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/8797/JOKES/jokes-8.html
I can’t find the other one give me time
I hear ya! I have been SO bad with my eating habits lately. Today was cool and I went to put on a pair of jeans and they would. not. do. up!!!! Waaaahhhhhh. It’s enough to make a girl run out and buy a pink handbag with matching shoes. Oh, and some more chocolate cos my stash is all gone!!!!
Currently available foods:-apples,bananas,tomatoes,lettuce,nectarines,grapes,strawberries.
What am I eating right now? Cappucino fudge.Heh.
My jeans don’t fit either and I’ve had to put one of those extension hooks on my bra.
*puts her feet up and examines this situation*
I did bugger all psych. so please feel free to say “this chick is whack”
You may be onto something. MPS, going by my hazy calculations, is in the ‘freaky forties’
Dead sexeh wife is coming into her sexual peak.
And dead sexeh wife looks even sexier in a hot pair of shoes.
MPS has one of those ‘penis shrinking’ moments and thinks… “Why does she wear shit hot shoes? Is it *really* because she has the world’s biggest shoe obsession this side of Imelda Marcos or is it because my dead sexeh wife likes men looking at her hot little ankles”
Subconsciously, MPS thinks…
“If I fatten her up to look like Lurlene from the Ozarks, maybe I won’t have to pay the Indian waiter a lazy $20 to take the night off. And if I make I her think that I buy her goodies because I want to make her happy, she will give me humpy happies.”
It’s a win/win for MPS.
Or maybe, the dude just likes making you happy.
Think thin, buy more shoes.
Can’t think of anything to say .. sorry.. so I will just remind you ferrerro rocher and toblerone, both equal zero calories.. and clinkers well they aren’t really chocolate or lollies so they just don’t count at all..
cheers kim
SO many things I could say….
but being divorced for 11 years…. what the f**k would I know?
(Edited in a subtle way in case I offended your delicate sensibilities…)
Haha, I totally know what you mean! This is like reading my very own thoughts… sort of.
Especially the clinker bit though… but not so much the bounty of fruit… but totally the laziness…. but maybe not so much the flabby arm bit….
Always come to you for a good read and good laugh. Cheers.
MPS has a lot to answer for!
yes……… provider of bad food hunter husbands are a problem……. BUT! I just proves that it really is all his fault not yours!! See? lol
Chocolate does wonders for me but a good dose of your blog does me the world of good too. A new blog description could be: Magnetoboldtoo – much better for you than chocolate.
I had to do a double-take. Clinkers? And then I thought “Riiigghhttt. These guys are Australian. They don’t KNOW what clinkers are here in the States, DO they?” Heh, heh, heh. Does somebody out there want to tell them? Because I can’t — how the heck do you describe clinkers?
I don’t think men can really think that far in advance. At least my husband thinks “Chocolate make wife happy. Happy wife good.” And that’s where he stops. He sees my initial squeal of joy, but doesn’t see the spiral downward later. Well, he does see it but doesn’t get it, and since he sees me unhappy, he knows what will make me squeal again. Such a bad cycle. You have the power though! Next time he gives you chocolate, if you have willpower (I don’t), just tell him, “Hey motherfucka, stop bringing me chocolate or I’ll kick your ass!” Problem solved.
I’ve seen you mention clinkers on your blog before and my curiosity is piqued! Please solve the mystery for us Americans!
On fattening up the kids to ensure their virginity — I would think doing that deliberately would count as child abuse, not only damaging to the kids’ physical health, but also to their psychological well being. Wow…just…wow.
And “In a nice S shape…” OMG, don’t make me picture it! Something tells me there’s a poo alphabet site out there somewhere. Can’t bring myself to Google it, though. ;^)
Subtitles, please! Clinkers?
And if I ever find a poo alphabet…I’m submitting some of A’s. I swear, that kid saves up to write his full, God-given name in the toilet…
Men just don’t think that complex. lol
Jayne: Or to keep his wife from going postal I expect…
Karen: Yes, one day when you least expect it, during a hormonal surge, you will bitch slap him. Better warn him now.
Meg: Good point. But what about flowers? I like flowers…….
Trish: *snort* I think there is just one. If I have ovaries/uterus chocolate is an essential vitamin.
Lightening: That hasn’t happened to me YET. And who needs an excuse to buy handbags and shoes? They are necessary. Like air….
River: OMG cappuchino FUDGE!!! I’ve gone all Homer Simpson…
Anja: bwwwwwww haaaaaaa haaaaaaa!!! I love the way your mind works!
Kim: Oooooh! Thanks for that. And the calories burnt actually walking to the fridge and opening the bastard means that it is equal to a jog around the block! W00T!
Frogdancer: Ummm ‘delicate sensibilites’? Um, which blog do you think you are on?????
Talia: It is only a matter of time for both of us babe. Flappin’ in the wind Oprah arms….
Casdok: Should I just put his testicles in a vice grip now????
Bettina: Just like I always say. The bastard needs to take a good long hard look at himself and bow to my fabulousness.
Sueblimely: Or ‘enter at your own risk’
Iceel: I have just vomited a little. I just looked it up. Fuck me dead IS NOTHING SACRED!!!!!!!!!!
Ange: Good idea in theory. However he finds it hard to understand me between the squeals, moans and mouth full of chocolate. And I guess the chocolate dripping down my face is rather distracting.
Beth: Will have to do a post all about Clinkers. With pictures……. The nice S shape comes from an Oprah show where Dr Oz explains what your shit SHOULD look like if you eat well.
Jen: see comment to Iceel and Beth. Apparently they are related….. *vomit*
Diva: You hit the nail on the proverbial head.
Um, can you explain clinkers please? I think everyone else has said what I was going to
Great Uncle Rupert has the perfect cocktail for you and Anita today LMFAO.
Mmmm Clinkers…. *drool*
Ree: They are chocolate!!! From the cocoa bean. NOTHING to do with shit! OMG!!! I am so traumatized by the google searches I have done.
Jayne: Great Uncle Rupert? Hmmmmm
Katie: I know. Green all the way baby!
Pink clinkers for me – now you made me want to go buy some. Thanks
I just looked it up too.
/
I only just discovered our Clinkers after reading of your love for them – mmmmmm yummo!
DH buys me chocolate too – especially when I’m trying to be good. But just how do you say no when they’re trying to do the right thing? Or are they, I suppose?
Seems like you’ve told me what clinkers were before, but I’ve forgotten. And if you tell me again, I’ll forget again.
Psychobabble isn’t one of my strengths [I just typed a long comment and then accidentally hit the wrong button! Must be tired]
Anyway, I also don’t know what a clinker is, which doesn’t help, but imagine it must be something yummy.
My grandpa used to eat a square or two of chocolate every night [after his whiskey] and he was a GP.
I figure a little of what you fancy does you good [and you're a long time dead, for that matter]
Wish I had something more helpful and supportive to add.
I’m 47 now so I know about the age thingummy, I’m just looking forward to being invisible in my purple hat.
Best wishes
Posted this in my blog but incase you don’t stop by
Wearing High Heels is Good For Your Sex Life:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7225828.stm
So tuck into those chocolates and think of all the wonders your lovely shoes are doing for the sex life
If you don’t tell me what Clinkers are, I am going to hold my breath…
HAH!
I often think that too, then I bring him a bag of doritos and a full calorie bottle of coke and I feel better!
Except the stupid jerk has been losing weight at work because he’s now doing more physical lifting of cases, etc. JACKASS!
lol I thought I was the only one!! I’m CONVINCED he’s trying to fatten me up. He brings me nice things to eat every single day. “I have a surprise for you, the most calorific food every created in the history of the world, enjoy!”
Trish: Bwaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaa!! Wish I bought shares in Pascall’s now…
Angel: see above. he he he
Diesel: That is because you are a man and can only keep one thing in your head at a time.
Maddy: So three bags of chocolate covered candy is a little???? Just asking.
Look forward to seeing that hat!
Marita: went to your blog but couldn’t find it. So checked out the link. Yay for heels!!! Means I won’t piss myself when I am an old crippled woman!
Mr Fabulous: Are you blue yet????
Alison: Just sneak a kilo of bacon fat in his morning coffee then.
Clairec23: Yeah, these men are all bastards for looking after us so well. Sweet Gravatar!
Ok, just, like HOW is it possible I’ve never come across your blog before. Because HELLO you speak my language. You rock, lady!
OMG this is funny. And it makes me want chocolate. Yum.
Comments on this entry are closed.