Public toilets.
Just before Christmas we went to the girls presentation night (yeah they are smart, rool smart like, comes from the postman, no not the postman he is like 90… that really hot guy at the video store…. wait he is like, 20, so he would have been 3 or 4 when Moo was conceived….. eww, eww, eww…. move on Kelley, move on…. Must have skipped 6 or so generations, yeah that’ll work) and as it was eleventy billion miles away, by the time I got there I was in serious need of a bit of micturition* action.
So I waddle to the loos. Oh yeah, I was in dire need baby.
Open the door, place looks relatively clean (it is at an Arts Centre so hard to tell what is rubbish and what is art) so I go in, thighs quivering, cause I have to be desperate to use a public loo.
The place is empty. I pick a stall and, well, you know….. I am not going to spell it out to you, I am sure there are plenty of sites on the net you can find if you want more intimate details. Pick someone wearing a black knee length skirt and fab shoes to make the experience more real.
OK, now we have got rid of the freaks, where was I?
Oh yeah, thighs a-quiver, find stall…..
Someone walks in. And picks the fucking stall RIGHT NEXT TO ME! Eight hundred empty stalls and she plonks her fat arse next to mine.
And starts farting.
Oh yeah. Long melodic stinky bastards from the hounds of hell. Something crawled up her arse, or was inserted, and was decomposing.
The door opens. Someone else walks in….
and you guessed it. Right. Next. To. Me.
And she starts sighing as she is urinating. Real happy kinda sigh, ifyouknowwhatImean.
I guess she really likes to urinate. A lot. Cause she went for ever.
Tinkle, sigh, tinkle, sigh.
Her friend on the other side of me playing the trombone with her arse.
Me in the middle with stage fright. And thinking, I am so blogging this. While holding my nose.
Why, oh, why do people DO that? When you go to the doctors people do anything to ensure that there is a chair in between them and a stranger (and a whole fucking row if I am there with Boo, cause apparently flapping your arms and singing are communicable diseases) but when it comes to a public loo, the more intimate the better.
Especially if you need to move your bowels. Come sit next to me and share.
Now I do know that sometimes there is only one available, or even a line (guys are so lucky, they rarely have to line up to urinate) and that is fine. But when the room is empty, give the chick next to you some space OK?
I have considered making a sign. ‘Out Of Order’ for the stalls next to me if there are plenty vacant. Or getting me some bouncers to stand either side of the stall. While I am at it one to wipe the seat for me too, maybe warm it as well….
Or, seeing Boo is about to graduate to adult nappies (diapers) perhaps I should just swipe a few of them should the need arise?
* I googled the spelling (cause I wasn’t sure, but I was right. Cause I am awesome) and got this. OMG I am peegasming all over the place.
‘Post-micturition convulsion syndrome, also known as piss shivers, pee shivers, peegasm or whiz willies, is a phenomenon in which one feels a shiver running down the spine following urination.[1] The shiver can produce a brief twitch, which is a form of myoclonus.’
from Wikepedia. Click here to read the whole ‘article’.
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Those of you looking for the foul spewing of venom I promised on Aussie Bloggers yesterday, you will be disappointed. I have decided not to post it. It was too nasty and if MPS the person it was directed to read it I would be divorced in trouble….. I was really really pissed. I am glad I decided to wait till I had calmed down before posting it. Thanks Wendy from FIA. You made me think twice…..
{ 18 comments }
I hate when people do that! I always always pick a cubicle as far away from other people as possible. I hate public toilets. Ick!
Maybe it was a good thing that you thought before posting. I posted one that was spewing venom at Nat, then I printed it and gave it to him to read. Once I wasn’t pissed off, I deleted it.
Oh my goodness I can relate! I don’t know why people do that, but it drives me mad! Don’t they KNOW that someone is in there, listening to their farts and pushing?!
Something else I hate which is similar is when people come and sit right next to you on the train, when there’s a whole carriage load of free seats! Why?! Why do you have to sit next to me, and elbow me as you read the paper?
I like the idea of “Out of Order” signs – maybe that would also work on the empty train seat next to me. I should put a “reserved” sign down or something!
I have trained long and hard to be the successful camel that I am today just to avoid public fart boxes.
Peegasm ! You’re an ed-ja-ma-kay-shun-al-ist blogger too lol.
Eldest Feral Fruit of My Loins read your 10 commandments… you owe her a nappy too
I love it – peegasm. Next time Mr. Hot moans after taking a piss, I’m so gonna trot that term out. He’ll fall over!
I can’t help but giggle and wonder why people need to pee next to someone. I hate “going” in public.
That is just not right. As the hottest Aussie on the planet, you should not be subjected to such crass behavior!
years ago there used to be an online Macromedia/Flash “game” where you had to pick the correct bathroom stall based on stalls that were occupied. I think created by someone who had a similar incident to you. I was pretty good at it.
Sounds like these ladies need to find the game and ‘practice’ !
Wow – this post is better than a diet: both result in loss of appetite but here there’s a giggle as well.
I always put a stall in between me and the other gal…always. Once I started to have to take Matt in with me I was glad I did cuz he likes to look under the stall and give loud details as to what is going on over there. He is near impossible to pull up once he gets his eyes peekin under a stall.
Magneto boldly goes… Ew!
If it helps to hear about a fellow sufferer you reminded me about an experience I had…
http://babychaos.wordpress.com/2008/01/02/a-funny-thing-happened/
Cheers
BC
Could have been worse. The floor could have been waxed really, really shiny like the one at our work. That makes it very mirror like. Imagine the fun of suddenly realizing you have a direct reflection of that farting person next to you…and looking up! Like I said…could have been worse.
I have never heard of this syndrome and now will never forget it.
Peegasm…teehee…
Veronica: Good thing I decided against it. MPS registered my domain name last night! BooYah! I am on my way to a pretty new blog!
Katie: We have a loo that has been ‘out of order’ at work for like, 3 years. Everyone fights to use the one next to it!
Jayne: Oh you cracked me up!
Hotfessional: He he he. Make sure you have the camera ready!
phatsheep: It is insane isnt it? And people that just fart whenever….
Fab: I KNOW!!! Don’t they know who they are sitting next to. I think I need to have a talk to our Prime Minister about making some laws or somesuch.
Ange: That sounds awesome! Oh I would love to play that!
Bossy: I could be the next Jenny Craig….
FXSMom: *gaffaw* don’t even get me started about when I have to take Boo to the toilets….. no blanket to wipe his arse on.
Babychaos: As I said on your blog….. you win. EWWWWWWWW!
VE: I would pee in the office pot plant, sounds like more privacy.
laughingatchaos: Me too, my friend, me too.
I usually flush if I have to pass gas. sometimes I use up gallons and gallons of water flushing because I have to let out a lot of gas. LOL
I am so sorry this happened to you. Just so you know. If I knew you were in there I would gladly take a potty many doors down as not to give you the poop-shy’s.
Isn’t that’s what’s supposed to happen in the ladies’? I’ve never been in, but that’s what I’ve always imagined!
What on earth does one say to your situation – you should never & I mean NEVER have been put in that position………….
Don’t they know who you are! Don’t they realise how hard you find it to go in public! These experiences only add to your phobia and give you even greater stage fright! We need to put out a media release to rectify this immediately!
Gawd, do I hate that!
And I get so uncomfortable when someone takes the stall right next to me that I freeze. I STOP PEEING.
And that? Is painful.
You need to work on a wider stance.
Does that joke translate across the Pacific?
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