Cause it so is a land. Shuddup. It is too. We have our own currency and everything…. shoes, coffee and chocoate. Just like the Inca, but with clothes and bedding and shit.
Boo: Get me a blanket I need to do a poo. – paper or blanket….. we know the answer.
Me: Harden the fuck up – to the mayonaisse that was a tad runny.
Workmate: I think of you whenever I put on my shoes. and they were white! *shudder*
Workmate: What the fuck is that in your hair? A chocolate box ribbon? Nice shoes! – work Christmas party. I tend to get a little dressed up.
Too: Number 3 freaky neighbours!!!!!! – as I was driving out the driveway on my third trip of the morning (total today = 8 )
Me: Aren’t they new feet? – in reference to person hiding in the bushes across the street.
Conversation between me and my boss at the work Christmas lunch:
S: Oh look a Yummy Mummy!
Me: Nah, she is so hard faced.
S: Aren’t all Mummies?
Me: What about your wife?
S: Yeah. Hard faced.
Me: What about me?
S: I am going to get hurt now aren’t I?
Moo: Oh pretty! Can I have one? – about the packaging of my packet of tampons
My dad: What is that smell?
Boo: It was ME!!!!!! – 5 minutes before the blanket request.
Boo: Gawd Daymn! That’s Uranus!!! – while I was wiping his arse
My daughters in the bathroom:
Too: So I said ‘That tastes like arse’ and she is all ‘How do you know what arse tastes like?’ and I said ‘It’s like shit and sperm and Nanna’s cooking’
Moo: What! How do you know what sperm tastes like?
*thump* that was me falling on the floor…..
Moo: Men are so stupid. Don’t they know that ‘fine’ means no and if you take it you better protect your testicles….. – in reference to McDonalds ad where a guy asks for the last chicken nugget.
Workmate: I’m so tired!
Another workmate: Have you a death wish? Don’t say that near Kelley, she is wearing some lethal heels today.
Phone conversation between Too and I. Me at work and girls home. 9.30am
Me: Good, you are up. Wake up your sister and have something to eat and I will call back with what I need you to do today.
Too: OK, call around 10.30. I am planning on ignoring the phone around then.
Picking up MPS at train station. Notice a cut on his head.
Me: What happened to you?
MPS: I got hit in the head with a broom head.
Me: You what?
MPS: I was trying to close the roller door with a broom and the head fell off and hit me in the head.
Me: Too many heads. You are making me think dirty thoughts.
Me: Too can you put the bins out?
Too: Which ones?
Me: The red one and the green one.
Too: Which one is the red one?
Got a nice cheque in the mail.
Me: Mumma’s gettin’ her some new shoes!
Moo: ‘You are not African American mum.’ turns to Too ‘she is so white bread’
Coming out of Safeway and notice the car tyres.
Me: Looks like Mumma aint getting new shoes. Looks like the car is gettin’ new shoes…
And for your viewing pleasure I present you with todays shoes. These are my Christmas shoes. They sparkle!
I had the office enthralled with my toe less stockings. They honestly couldn’t get their heads around the fact I was wearing stockings…. and they were toe less. And that my nailpolish matched the shoes.
This is what I have to work with people! I didn’t bother showing them the matching handbag, lest their heads explode.